Day 4: I will write anyway...

I am at the END of this day... some nights come too fast and I find myself up into the night because I'm not ready to let it pass... some nights, I am ready for the day's close. I am ready to fall asleep and see what dreams and the new light of tomorrow morning will bring. Tonight I am ready for this day to end. I could lie and say every moment is bright and full of unabounding bubbles and sunshine! Or I could wash the cosmetics from my heart and realize that I have not yet overcome all that I long to overcome. I have not yet learned all that I dream of learning. I know, Jesus, that you are there. And that is progress! TRUE progress. Even in my gloomier moments I feel You beside me. It is my sustaining joy and comfort, though it doesn't always manifest itself in laughter and lightheartedness. Knowing You are there regardless of my present state. This was not always true of my past. In fact this was never true of my past! You were there and I failed to know it. I refused to see You.

I am sorry I didn't want to write tonight, Papa. I didn't feel like I could. I felt that block that has stopped me so many times. But I am here anyway. I write anyway... I give you all my heavy load Jesus... and pray for peace and renewal tonight as I sleep. I admit I cannot fix everything, every one, every problem around me... I acknowledge my inability... And I hand over all my "teeth-gritting strength", God, that You might transform it into an "inner strength that come from You"... that it might reveal Your grace...

Day 3: His Sacrifice

STATIONS OF THE CROSS

Today St. Rose did the first Stations of the Cross for this Lenten season. I remember going for the first time last year, and discovering the meaning behind the small Roman numeral marked bronze prints adorning the church walls. In all my "glimpes" of Christianity I had never even heard of The Stations of the Cross. The impact was deep and profound... and painful. Each station offers an incredibly honest and striking event in the crucifixion. If one is able, and more importantly willing, there is an opportunity to leave ones self and enter that dark and affecting and victorious moment in history. To walk among the crowd of witnesses, or maybe, beside Mary and John themselves. To feel the greif of those that knew Him and loved Him and the heat of the anger of those that hated Him. To see the tears, the fists, the faces. To hear the cross hit the ground when Jesus falls or the hammering of the nails into His hands. "Boom! Boom! Boom!"

The crucifixion has always brought me such tremendous heart ache. I think because I have always wondered what it must have been like for Christ to be beaten and cursed and rejected by His own people. The very people He was trying to help in fact. But the stations offer a much more dimensional visual of the crucifixion. A much more dimensional grasp of the sacrifice.

To know the pain of Mary and know I have walked in her shoes before. I have watched the persecution of someone I love. I've seen the suffering of the innocent and undeserving. I wept and grieved for them! Imagine Mary, who brought Christ up knowing He was God's, set apart and perfect. Imagine watching Him betrayed, accused, persecuted, hung on the cross to die. To see such love returned by such hate.

Then imagine how many swings of the hammer we ourselves have taken at the nails in His hands and feet. When His sacrifice did not outweigh our own hate or lust for worldly vices. When they hung Him on the cross I could hear the sound of the iron on iron as I did last year, and this time I could feel the vibration of the instrument in my hand. The impact of that contradiction. The realization of my own sin with the simultaneous enlightenment of the magnitude of His love and grace and sacrifice and the desire of my heart to weep and grieve for Christ like Mary.

This time, as I experienced the Stations of the Cross I didn't just witness it... I entered it. Oh, Christ, how much you have loved me and given for me. Even in your weakest moment you were carrying the weight of the entire world on your shoulders. You gave up your physical strength and in your weakness you administered grace to everyone!

Day 2: The Joy of Friends

Today is my 25th birthday! And though it has had its snags it was such a blessed and wonderful day. It started with a very loving and beautifully intended act. Morgan got up before the sun to go and buy Heather and I balloons to go with a plethora of gifts and silly string she already had to kick off a morning birthday bash. Then I was totally blessed to have over 15 messages from friends and loved ones on facebook and in my e-mail. The phone calls were steady all day from family and friends. Words of love and friendship and kindness. Di gave us both a wonderful gift. Elaine bought us a pineapple that served as a perfectly adequate and incredibly DELICIOUS birthday cake. The entire day was showered with wonderful words, gifts, blessing and prayers from all of the amazing people that God has BLESSED my life with. New and old. I just realized how many incredible people God has placed in my life. I was just washed with an overwhelming sense of gratitude and awe for all of the love and care and kindness and joy that God has gifted me. I remain utterly amazed.

THANK YOU, PAPA!

Another year... passed. Ash Wednesday is here again... a whole new Wind blowing in my life. When I look back my head spins with the revelations, the growth, the joys and the plain fun of this past year. I have made wonderful friends; I have found new depth in my old friendships; I have acquired incredible, unbelievably loving family; I have found Jesus in places, at depths and in ways I never IMAGINED! If all the blessed instruction and wisdom I have been passed and fed were really food, I'd weigh 900 pounds! Probably 9 thousand! Much of it I'm still chewing. Some of it has radically changed my life forever and ever. Some of it has brought me everlasting hope. Some of it has opened my eyes to pain and suffering I never knew I needed to pray for. Some of it has train wrecked me. Some of it has built me back up. All of it has taught me about the Most Important LIVING, MOVING PERSON IN MY LIFE: Jesus. His truth, His beauty, His LOVE. Jesus IS all of these things. And He has given me a purpose and an identity in Him of which we are only beginning to unlock the glorious surprises and mysteries.

My Lenten fast:
I will GIVE God my time in writing... EVERY DAY! I will spend as long in front of the computer, my diary, a notebook or whatever avenue He chooses for as long as He wants me to.

As Father Sebastian said in mass tonight: God, give us the GRACE (not strength... isn't that interesting?) it will take to stay faithful during this Lenten season.

AMEN

Rest Comes in the Morning

Reading through my morning prayer in The Divine Office, I took part in something really cool! One of the antiphons (the opening of a psalm or sometimes repeated scripture in the breaks of a psalm) was: "Let us listen to the voice of God, let us enter into His rest!" This request didn't come at the end of the day, but at the very beginning. For me this was the first thing I did! I woke and asked for rest before another thought! What an awesome idea! Through the trials and the stresses of the day I can find rest with Jesus! Thats when I need the rest! Not at the end of the day when I can't even enjoy it before I hit my pillow and fall almost instantly asleep! Thanks, Papa, for all you REVEAL TO ME! 

GOOD MORNING!!!!!!!!!!! *Rise and shine and give GOD the GLORY, GLORY!!!!!!!!!!!

Breaking it Down

Sister Catherine Mary, aka Mother Superior of the AARPS (Adoring, Adventurous, Radically Passionate Servants of Christ) Convent, began with us a wonderful thing. It is called The Office. It is a daily dedication to prayer that many nuns and priests and other Catholic believers take part in each day. If used to its fullest potential a prayer can be said in the morning, at noon, in the evening and at night. It is one of the most powerful things I have yet been a part of in my new found Catholic faith! Besides the connection and unity that the practice brings because it is being said by so many all over the world at all times of the day, it also has had a powerful impact on my relationship with God. The prayers are mostly psalms with readings and prayers intertwined. It has so many reminders of God's love, daily insights into His will and purpose, and is deeply focused on His ways. I not only learn from it daily but it opens my heart and mind and centers me so that I can focus more directly and devotedly on God. I have only been doing it for three days and already I know I would miss it if I couldn't do it, or feel the effect of its absence if I forgot to do it. I have heard so many say that Catholicism is just a boring compilation of traditional sayings and rituals, and there is probably nothing I disagree with more. Catholic literature, reading, and practices have given me such a deep insight into God! There is a devotion and a depth that lives there because it is a church that, when understood and truly lived out, is far more passionate and abandoned to God than anything I have ever known! It is not about recitation, but about daily remembrance. How many times I have prayed the Lord's Prayer and it has meant something different to me each new time. How many times I have knelt in church while Father blesses communion and it has had a deep, penetrating impact on different parts of my heart and my life. I can go to any church or stand in any place on earth and feel the Holy Spirit... He is with me and it is me that allows Him to effect me or penetrate me in anything or any place... but He meets me at St. Rose. He is ALWAYS present there! I can't explain it. I can't justify it. I can't logically deduce any kind of reason. It is just truth for me. And when I knelt on the floor in Fort Collins, Colorado at Jo's church, I felt Him the same way. Like "coming home" Father Sebastian says. When I walked around the Vatican, long before I knew all that God had for me and long before I understood His full magnificence, I could feel Him there! Walking into Father Seelos' shrine in New Orleans, Louisiana, and feeling my breath instantly heavy in my lungs from the powerful presence of God in that place... I cannot explain it. But I know that I love, and exceedingly appreciate everything that God is showing me and allowing me to realize! I feel like I know Him and love Him more and more each day. When it seems like there really can be nothing better than today He gives me tomorrow!!!! That is RADICAL love! 

Todays most impacting reading: Canticle of Zechariah: Through the tender compassion of our God the dawn from on high shall break upon us.

THROUGH the TENDER COMPASSION of our GOD the DAWN from on high shall BREAK upon us!!!!!

God doesn't just sit and watch from afar, exerting His authority and power when we are getting out of hand. Some people tend to see God as a judgmental and disciplinary God. But God is SO MUCH MORE! We are so caught up in our OWN understandings. But this verse is such a beautiful example of our God, a God of Love. "God IS love!" "Through his tender compassion!"... God is tender? God is tender! He sees our plights. Through our utter disobedience and overwhelming selfishness he can muster up tenderness! Compassion! And what does His compassion bring? Not just comfort and peace but the DAWN!!! "Dawn from on high!" What does that mean? When the dawn comes it comes when? After the dark! And what does dawn mean? Dawn is the START of a NEW day! A dawn from on high! A holy, glorious newness from God! And how does it come? It BREAKS upon us! What an interesting word He chose... break.  Like when you are hurt and wounded and someone BREAKS your heart. Or have you ever seen those glow sticks that are just plain plastic boringness until you BREAK them. Snap! And all this light suddenly BREAKS out of it! Or have you ever been so stubbornly unable to repent that when it comes it does not come softly or subtly, but you must BREAK to let it come. And how about when you see another's suffering and your heart BREAKS for them? You cry with them. You long to do something for them. You pray for them. You try to help them. Have you ever been uncontrollably full of joy and suddenly you start dancing or singing or whistling and you have no explanation or awareness of it... you just BREAK into song! 

I kind of see a "dawn from on high" BREAKIN' down like that! A pain, a wound, the beginning of the night... a light snaps in the darkness... a repentance, a realization, a drawing near to God... He sees, He bestows His tender compassion and then... uncontrollable joy! "Joy comes in the morning!" DAYBREAK! 

Haha! What fun! I love being with you Papa! 

"May the all-powerful Lord grant us a restful night (tonight) and a peaceful death! (... one day! hahaha)" AMEN

To Answer Your Question...

My sister is reading Captivating... a book that I recommend to EVERY woman, if you have not read it! She is also blogging her experience, which I think is so cool! Wish I'da done that! But in one of her blogs she asks, "Does God pursue me?" Well, to answer your question...

God pursues you!!! He pursues you in a romantic way even! Ever walk out the door and see the sun setting, wrapped in pink, blanketing the whole city where you live and just know its for you? :D Thats God! Ever get a book and flip through its pages and your eyes stop on a beautiful passage that penetrates right to your soul? GOD! Ever get a whoosh of peace, unlike anything you've ever felt, that comes in like a breeze, unexpected and unexplainable...? ummmmm... GOD! He has really personal things for us too. I remember being in Jo's trailer once... she wasn't there and I was just standing there and I had read captivating that morning and I was praying that God would just show me His love. "Just SPEAK TO ME!" (I was a little emotional) BOOOOOOOOOOOM! The LOUDEST bang of thunder I have EVER heard and a ridiculously bright flash followed by the power going out... I laughed so hard I cried. The lighting had struck the breaker box on the pole tucked between two trailers (what are the odds?) and left me on my knees in the dark, laughing with Jesus. NOW THATS ROMANTIC BABY! I went outside and just stood. God, after speaking so loudly, had begun to orchestrate one of the most beautiful rainstorms I had seen since He named me Raindrop. Then I was so happy I danced with Him in all the puddles and got COMPLETELY soaked! Oh, wow. It was one of the greatest days of my life! I act like a woman being constantly pursued too... i mean... i fall more in love with Jesus every day. And He always has some new and amazing way to tell me how much He loves me and show me how much He cares for me. HE'S SO AWESOME!