Day 9: Paul

We left late today, as I wanted to finish all the blogs that I had started and not finished. We had to be at Atonement Lutheran Church for Randy's Feed and Read at 5 o'clock and it was 2:30pm. Heather still had to get her driver's licence renewed and I wanted to pick up some post cards, so we were kind of rushing, and I confess I wasn't thinking much about my Lenten blessing for the day.

However, as we got into Depoe Bay we saw a man on a bike with a little weathered terrier and a cart that read "Need Food". Seeing his cart flew me so instantly into flash backs of the vanishing man from the 2nd day of Lent that I suddenly remembered the food that still sat on the floor, in the back from that day, forgotten until this moment. WOAH!

I checked to see if it was the same man, but it wasn't. How amazing! So many parallels!

I threw up my hands, "Sis! That's it! God has already supplied the food!" And I parked.

We grabbed the food and the dog food and jumped out of the car. The man was talking to somebody in a vehicle that had pulled up and we waited to hand him the food. He turned to us, extremely energetic, annoyed that his dog was barking, and said, "Oh she won't eat that stuff, but I'll take the food."

We both stepped back. Then I stepped forward again and handed him the bags of food. He took them and tucked them into the wagon and turned to talk with us. And then he never did stop after that. I think even when we left he was still talking to us. He was funny! Angry, but he had a lot of funny stories to tell. I asked him how he ended up on a bike in the cold and he told me his whole recent history. He was on his way down from Alaska in a lawn mower and got hit by a car. After that he got another bike which also was destroyed when he was hit by a second car. Finally he had purchased this bike somewhere in Northern Oregon.

He laughed but with extreme bitterness. He was angry. Extremely. He asked us, "So, are you real religious people then."

"We are Christians, if that's what you mean."

"Well I ain't savable! Sorry! God's done too many **** things to me, excuse my French."

I wish I had told him that we weren't there to save him, only to feed him, and that the saving was up to God, but I couldn't think of anything to say. I was dead in the middle of an extremely unexpected turn of events.

When I did finally catch my balance I just asked him questions and we talked for probably 30 minutes with him. We found out that his name was Paul. I thought, "What a great name." Finally we made our exit and he said, "Sorry you couldn't save me. But I'm just not savable."

What do you say to that? Argue with him? I don't know!

I finally just turned to him and said what came to my mind. "Paul... are you lovable?"

"Oh boy, you shoulda met this girl..."

"Not like that, Paul. That isn't what I'm asking. Are you a lovable person. Can you be loved?"

"Well yeah! Everybody loves me. I'm a lovable guy."

"Well, then, you are savable!"

Just then somebody came and handed Paul a twenty dollar bill and we left. God was diligently after this man! Blessings were coming from every side.

As we were driving off and I was thinking, "perhaps we were only supposed to hand him the food and bless him anonymously," the realization of his link to Paul of the Bible struck me. We prayed for him. We prayed that, just as Saul, a stubborn, angry man against God had met Jesus on the road, that Paul would encounter his Savior in such an astounding way that he would be turned and claimed for the Kingdom.

Thank you for providing yet again... make me better at that. Teach me to walk more in your guidance and will, God, through your Holy Spirit, and not just my own zealousness. For then I can't be knocked off balance. Thanks for being God, and saving me again and again and again.

Day 8: Ninja for Jesus

My parents live on this little road that doesn't go very far in any direction. There are about 7 or 8 houses in the entire little area and it is one of those rare cases where almost everyone knows each other. Some of them we simply know names and wave a greeting on the way to the mail box, but a few actually stop by or interact with each other on a somewhat regular basis.

When our Nan was dying the neighbors directly across from us, a sweet older couple, would come by every day or two and asked us if they could do anything. The husband, Jim, will come over and feed Charlie for my parents at times when my parents can't make it. And when Nan was still alive, they would come and check on her when my parents were away more than a few hours.

Today, as we were leaving the house, Jim was outside and we decided to return a bread plate that he and his wife, Suzanne had brought us some treats on. We got to talking about everything... he told us old war stories, about what he did with his retirement, how he and his wife met, his hobbies. He took us to see his glass shop where he has a ton of broken glass that he melts down in a kiln and makes pendants and other neat things with. He also crafts beautiful wind chimes out of glass, wood and bits of sea shore treasures that he picks up on frequent excursions to the beach.

He agreed to let us to come over and work in his shop and use some of his clay and the kiln if we agree to let him sell our creations if they turn out to be anything so genius! We are excited to play, and excited to get the chance to talk with Jim more. Jim is an old Vietnam veteran that has lost a wife and seen quite a bit of heart ache, and Suzanne has cared for the sick and dying for years. Both carry their share of pain and hurt, with a need for a place to put it.

God laid it on my heart to bless them... they were to be my Lenten blessing offering. But How? I don't have anything to give them. Especially after all they have done for us.

Take them flowers.

We didn't have the money to buy flowers so we decided we would have to pick them. I forgot that this is Oregon, and its winter... few flowers have what it takes to bloom this time of year! So, we drove around for an hour and a half looking for flowers that weren't on somebody's property. We didn't want to break the Ten Commandments whilst blessing someone. Personal rule.

Finally we found four yellow flowers on the side of a back road and had to climb a few puddles to pick them. Then we decided to try an old swimming spot that we remembered being full of blooming flowers whenever we went. When we got there we couldn't see any and almost left, but I felt compelled to get out of the car and look. I walked past the path into a small grass plot and rounded a few trees. Hidden behind the trees was a bush as tall as me, filled with the most beautiful and obviously resilient white flowers. I picked three of them and put them with the others.

By the end of the journey we had a beautiful bouquet of flowers to give them that we tied with a yellow string and topped with a small paragraph about God's beautiful garden of life, written in pink on a 5x7 blank white index card. We also gave them a little picture of the ocean with, "You are a blessing!" written on the back.

Everything we gave was supplied by God's provision. Every flower was a divine creation placed in just the right soil to grow no matter the environmental obstacles... beautiful representations of His intricate and elaborate artistry. And He designated each one of them for those that He loved!

The flowers were not from us... we were simply the messengers sent at such a time as this... so we wanted to leave them to be found the next morning. They are late nighters, however and so we had to go just before our bedtime, in the cover of the night, like ninjas! We stealthily made our way across the street, avoiding any automatic lights that would give away our presence, and put them on the trunk of Suzanne's car under the car port. They would be in plain view when they came out the side door, which they used most often.

We weren't so ninja on the return however, as we were laughing hysterically as we ran, full sprint, across the gravel street and back into our own house.

Fun! Thank you for letting me be a part of it!

The next day I was looking at pictures that Heather had taken of their backyard while Jim and I talked and realized that they loved gardens and flowers. There was even a plaque that read, "The kiss of the sun for pardon, the song of the birds for mirth, one is nearer God's heart in a garden, than anywhere else on earth." How fitting that He would then speak to them through such an offering!

WEEK TWO'S WORD: BLESSING

The fast has changed slightly... this week I am to bless someone unexpectedly that God chooses in the way that He chooses. At first I thought, "Yes!! Got this"... then I remembered, I have nothing to bless from. I do not have an abundance of resources, money or anything else at this time in my life. What will I give? And I am in a community of mostly strangers. Who will I bless?

So... whatever I am to offer to another, has to first come from God so that I may give it! Whoever I am to bless through the provision and love of God, He must first put in my path.

How does redemption bring blessing, Father? Show me fully!! Teach me. Help me to trust you completely this week!

I love you... I'm ready.

Week 2, REDEMPTION brings BLESSING, begins!

REDEMPTION brings CONNECTION

My fast started off with a word... CONNECTION. When Jesus died on the cross for our sins He did a lot of things... I wanted to know more about these things. And so He has been teaching me.

As I embarked on this 40 day pilgrimage into the full understanding of just what Jesus wrote into my life when He blotted out my transgressions, I agreed that I would allow God to take me wherever He chose... and guide me in any way.

So why was connection the word for my first week? What did it have to do with me? (the rock)

The word connection, for starters, has many implications. It implies things that are joined... in life many things have connections... and the further I go through it, I struggle to find anything that doesn't have some kind of connection. Thoughts, ideas, lives, people, nature, God. All connected somehow.

So what was the connection that I had through the cross?

God showed me all week that I was connected to Him! I was part of His Kingdom... His family!! I am a part of Christ because of His sacrifice. It is because I am connected to Him that I can do anything!

"I am the vine; you are the branches (connected). If a man remains in me and I in him, he will bear much fruit; apart (disconnected) from me you can do nothing. (Check this out!) If anyone does NOT remain in me, he is like a branch that is thrown away and withers; such branches are picked up, thrown into the fire and burned. If you remain in me and my words remain in you, ask whatever you wish, and it will be given you. This is to my Father's glory, that you bear much fruit, showing yourselves to be my disciples." John 15:5-8 [My additions for emphasis in parentheses or caps.]

Can I just say "!!!!!!!!!!!!!".

Ok so... connected is not just a gift but a REQUIREMENT! He binds us so closely to Himself in His sacrifice that would bring us redemption, that we actually must remain connected to Him. And if we do... "[you] will bear much fruit," and you may, "ask whatever you wish, and it will be given you."

We have all known those unanswered prayers in our lives. Why does Christ say this then? Because when we are that connected, so in tune with our Savior and our Maker, the Holy Spirit will direct us what to ask! When we are completely connected with Jesus, we want what He wants for our lives... we desire His desires. This week I felt most connected to my God and Savior when I was trusting Him and asking and believing in Him to supply the Sun and the Water and the Miracle Grow that would make my branch able to bear the fruit I would offer Him up that day.

Then Jesus reveals something else that will come of His death and through the power of His resurrection in His prayer on the Gethsemane. "My prayer is not for them alone. I pray also for those who will believe in me through their message, that all of them may be one, Father, just as you are in me and I am in you. May they also be in us so that the world may believe that you have sent me. I have given them the glory that you gave me, that they may be one as we are one; I in them and You in Me. May they be brought to complete unity to let the world know that you sent me and have loved them even as you have loved me." John17:20-23 [Italics added for emphasis.]

So not only are we a part of God and a branch from the vine of Jesus, but Christ also unites us all to each other! That we would all be ONE! With Him and the Father! And for what purpose? Why does He connect us all to each other, to Himself, to the Father? "...to let the world know that you sent me and have LOVED them, even as you have LOVED ME!"

"The body is a unit, though it is made up of many parts; and though all its parts are many, they form one body. So it is with Christ." 1 Corinthians 12:12

"...God has combined the members of the body and has given greater honor to the parts that lacked it, so that there should be no division in the body, but that its parts should have equal concern for each other. If one part suffers, every part suffers with it; if one part is honored, every part rejoices with it." 1 Corinthians 12:24-26 [Italics added for emphasis.]

All believers are connected in one body! And totally undivided! No break in the connection. All parts of that body are equally as valuable and necessary to the whole.

I had a recurring thought this week that brought me much peace and thankfulness. When I am walking through something, because God has made us all one body that cares for each other and feels what each other feels, God has given us the ability to reach out to one another and pray for one another. So many times this week, and throughout the last month of my life, and the last couple years of my life for that matter, I have been blessed with the realization that the connected body of Christ rejoices with me when I rejoice and hurts with me when I hurt and lifts me up to the Great Healer, Jesus Christ. And I too am blessed with the same connection to their lives. Through Christ I am blessed with a whole new family... brothers, sisters, mothers, fathers that show me the fullness of those relationships through Jesus Himself.

But there is a connection beyond just believers. The connection described when Jesus says that He wants the whole world to know that they are loved by the Father!

As I was processing connection with Julie one night. I was trying desperately to describe this feeling I kept getting when I was walking fully in the confidence that comes from trusting God. "It's like everybody is instant family. There are no formalities. You see people differently... not so scary. You see yourself differently with them. I can't explain it." She thought of something from a TV show about a group of people on a plane that hardly interact with each other or talk or care about one another. Then, the unthinkable occurs, a disaster of some sort, and suddenly this group of people is banding together, worrying for strangers, caring for one another. It took some sort of crisis to get these people to come together.

And it hit me! That is the feeling that comes over me. The realization that there is something more important than possible rejection or hurt from a wounded world of people... we are all in the midst of the same crisis! We are self destructive! And we are ALL in need of a Savior! Without Christ we are doomed. Like the vine that isn't connected will be cast aside and burned! That suddenly becomes clear to me when I am trusting in God. His heart is more important than mine. Mine worries about me. His worries about being separated from His children.

We are all connected by God's heart, that beats wildly with unexplainable LOVE and COMPASSION for every single person.

Day 7 - Tracy & Ramona

Tracy, bless his heart, caught me extremely off guard this morning when he showed up at our parents home at 8:30. I am not much of a morning person, so even though I was able to be civil, I was hardly coherent. When I first saw this man's silhouette in the door it almost terrified me. He is an extremely tall man with a full beard and mustache. I didn't know anybody by that description!

When I opened the door I was surprised to recognize him though and felt more at ease. Tracy had come 2 weeks before, wanting to test the air ducts and vents in our house for leaks and reduce our monthly electric bill. My parents had scheduled this inspection with his company weeks before. We had to send him away however, as it was nearing the end of our beloved Nan's journey to Heaven. He was very sweet and left us a card to call and set up a new appointment. I learned today just how far he had to drive to be turned away from that appointment and it was very merciful of him not to charge us for the gas anyway.

My mom rescheduled the inspection for 8:30 on this very 7th day of Lent, without whispering a word of it to me, so Tracy and I were both surprised this morning; me to see him at all, and him to be yet again unanticipated. I let him in to meet my giant dog who allowed Tracy to pet him but only if he could growl at every motion... even protecting can't get in the way of a good pat. While he set up all his crazy looking equipment, I went back in the bedroom to explain to Heather about our guest and put on a real outfit instead of my very frantically puzzled together collection of different clothing articles littered between the bed and the front door.

For about an hour I fought the dizziness of my antibiotics and the nausea that comes on strong in the morning and fades a little as I wake up. I tried to lay back down at one point but the pounding sound of Tracy walking through the house and the clanking of the vents as he worked were not allowing me to drift off. We sparked up some small conversation with Tracy between rooms and learned that he was a grad student planning to go into the peace corps soon with his wife. His job doesn't keep him in one place long so I gave up trying to talk to him on the run and sat down at my computer in the living room. Is he my fast? I asked for the first time.

I had no idea. I couldn't seem to break through formalities with him and he was in and out so much I couldn't see when I would get a chance to talk with him, if I did at all. If so God, make a way... open a door.

I decided to wait for him to finish with his work. He said he would be under the house until about 12:30... it was 11:00. I checked my e-mail, my facebook, my twitter... I was bored. Then God just kind of nudged me... Have you thought about the person under your house? You have a lot of time and nothing really to do.

I had not really. I thought wow, there is a person here and what I knew of him was that he, and his wife, had big hearts, wanted to change the world and would soon go into a difficult assignment helping the people of a third world country. I didn't know if they were saved. My conclusion from the things he had told me so far was, probably not. And it struck me that I had an hour and a half to just pour prayers over him while he worked. To pray for his family, his life, his heart, his wife, his job, his education, his time in the peace corps... anything and everything God laid on my heart to pray. I had never done that before. I had never thought to do that before. Not to that extent.

So I prayed. And when he came back upstairs I wanted to know more about him suddenly. I was more interested. Eager to know more and to share Jesus -in whatever capacity I could- with him. So I waited until he was getting ready to leave and started to ask him questions. Questions about his school, his life, his dreams... an avalanche of questions I'm sure it seemed. But he shared with me his heart for people and to be part of something he could change and make better. He expressed concerns about the Peace Corps but was glad for the opportunity to try to improve it from the inside out. Heather and I got to share our own heart for missions and ministry overseas.

He listened intently. Asked questions even! I got to share almost my entire testimony with him and how I had come to Christ and was doing Lent. Afterward he confessed, he wasn't a Christian and he actually had problems, even intense anger in some cases, toward religious ministries in other countries. He had heard of many abuses of power and resources and information in his studies and in his experiences. He told us a saying from an African tribe... "When the white men came they had their bibles and we had our land. They taught us to pray with our eyes closed. When we opened them we had their bibles and they had our land."

Though shall not steal, I thought. "Not all people who come in the name of Christianity remember that we are called to love above all."

We got to share with him a movement of Christ-centered ministries that were doing more than telling people how to live, but also meeting their needs. We got to share with him that not every religious based group was honoring Christ's call to love their neighbor but that there were ministries that were inside that were working with people and as advocates for those who were vulnerable to being taken advantage of. We got to share with him Christ who came to save the world, NOT a false representation of a prophet that came to condemn it... a Christ who's commission to us was to first Love God and then Love our neighbors.

I kept thinking, he is going to get up and walk out of here. But he didn't. He stayed and listened to us and spoke with us long after his work was done. That conversation made me realize the false representation of Christ and Christians not only in the world and overseas ministries, but in the education system! It made me realize that God can make Himself known anytime, anywhere... even in a somewhat repaired, semi drafty living room, in a conversation with a zealous girl, who is learning not to let her fears get in the way of all that Christ wants to do in her and through her, even if she feels less than adequate.

Its not me God! Its You!!! It is You!!! I get it! I got it! Thank You!

I gave him my e-mail at the end of our conversation and told him to please write if he needed

anything or was looking for support or had any prayer requests. "Thanks," he said with a grin, "and I will let you know if I see any openings for ministry opportunities around."

It was a seed.

One of the coolest realizations was that God was planning the fulfillment of my Lenten offering weeks before I even knew I was going to do it! While my nan was still on earth my mom, who would never make an appointment for earlier than noon, was making an 8:30am appointment for a time when she would not even be here. He knew, before I even had a stomach infection, that I would be on an antibiotic that would knock me out like this one has. He knew before I started taking the antibiotic, that I wouldn't be able to go out to do my fast, so He brought it right to my living room air vent! I could explode with the indwelling of love and provision and care and joy that Christ has brought into His home... my heart! That he has been cultivating there until it has begun to grow out of the cracks and windows and doors in an overflow of living, moving, breathing LIFE!

He has a the most AMAZING way of orchestrating the symphony of our lives!

Day 6 - The Woman With the Story

Apparently, one of the side effects of the antibiotics I am on is extreme dizziness and wooziness. I woke up today extremely tired and struggling to wake myself. When I stepped out of bed I side-stepped a little before I found my balance. Finally I roused myself, checked my e-mail, did my stuff, woke my sister and got Charlie the dog, ready to go into town and get bathed.

I drove, which is a horrible truth I care not reflect on except to thank God for His protection. Heather and I washed Charlie, poor guy, and got him a hamburger for putting up with our strange need to have a clean and good smelling dog. Something beyond his understanding. We had a few stops to make along the way but I suddenly didn't feel much like making them. As we got close to the house even Heather was concerned about how I looked. She said, "You ok? You look kind of sad."

I said, "Actually I just feel really awful."

So we went straight home and I sat down and thought... now how am I going to do my Lenten fast like this? I was almost drunk with dizziness. I sat for a while until the room stopped spinning as much. Then I checked my texts and saw that my mailbox was 98% full. As I was scanning over my messages, making room for future texts I came across one I had sent myself a few days ago. I had saved it until later because it was the email of a woman Heather and I had met last Thursday.

After a very awesome Thursday we had decided to drive up to the next town beyond Newport on Hwy 101. There was a beach there and when we got to town the sun was just setting and we stopped to take pictures and walk along the bay that the city is built on. While we were there a woman came down from a house with her giant, adorable dog. The dog, as if we were old friends, came barreling up to me, almost knocking me over in her excitement to greet me. The woman came with a slightly apologetic looking face behind but when she saw my giant smile she relaxed.

We talked for a while and watched the sun set together. She told Heather and I a little about her life and we shared a little about ours. Her and Heather talked for a while whilst her dog and dug in the sand and cuddled for a little while. Before the sun had completely set she had to go and I asked her for her email so that I could send the pictures we had taken of her puppy to her. I text it to myself.

So today as I ran across it again I thought, I should send those pictures. And tell her how many times she has crossed your mind in the last 3 days. God opened the door for me to share deeply of Himself with someone, even in the midst of my bad reaction to this medication. When I thought despairingly that I would have to ask God to forgive me for not being able to do the fast today, He opened a totally new and unexpected window of reaching out. I could rest when my head hurt and take as much time as I needed to write the e-mail. Something I could not have done in person.

I wrote to her and asked God to orchestrate my fingers as I typed. The Holy Spirit led me to share some of my testimony with her and tell her that I had been praying for her. He also prompted me to ask about her and to hear more about her life, which I had truly wanted to when she had to go a few nights before. Everyone has a story. A wonderful story that is their story... and God wired me with a love to hear them.

Later a friend asked me, was it easier to e-mail or would it have been easier to say everything in person? I thought for a minute. I had thought e-mail would have been easier. No rejection. No awkwardness. But I have learned in the last 5 days that rejection and awkwardness are almost never directed at right at me and almost never really get in the way of what God is trying to do. In person I could have seen her face. I could have prayed with her. She would have responded so I would know how much I could share and how much was too much. And something I realized later, that e-mail is written... so it had to be done just right. Words in conversation can be forgotten or heard by the listener just how they need to be... but words in an e-mail can be read and reviewed. I prayed much while I wrote it and after I sent it... that it would be received well and that it would have the right impact. Now I have to wait for a response.

But what was the same was that I had to put my fears and inhibitions aside and go as deep as God was asking. It still took all of Him and none of me... I would not have been able share that much were it not for God's strength and grace. It was the first e-mail of that depth and infiltrated with that much feeling that I have ever written to a complete stranger. It stretched me to say the least! Especially when I reread it and then had to ask God for the strength to actually click the "send" button!

So what I learned today is that even when I thought I was useless, and failed to trust my God again... He reassured me and made a way. God is NOT the God of second chances, as I have heard it told... He is the God of seemingly endless chances.

Will I ever not need them?? How I wish that could be my offering!

Thank you, Lord. Forgive me again for failing to trust in your provision and let tomorrow be a brand new day! I love you.

Day 5 - Heather

surprised me the most. At the end of every day of Lent so far I have said, I'm not sure He can top that! I have seen such incredible movements of God's heart and found Him waiting in the most unexpected of places... and never, once, have I expected what I would find. Today was no exception.

I woke with the feeling of the impending fast. That feeling I can't describe. I was in my parent's home, on a Sunday, nobody home but me, my twin sister Heather and Charlie the giant dog. Really?! Who? Like a lost traveler looking for directions? I wouldn't put it past Him! I was beginning to realize it would never be expected. So I already knew it wouldn't be a lost traveler and decided to stop thinking about it.

We had missed going back to the Lutheran Church this morning. We had wanted to go to 11 o'clock mass but both overslept and decided not to rush it. We were contemplating what to do today and which way to drive while we were very slowly getting ready. I decided to sit down and finish my blog for the day before, as I usually start it the night it happened and finish it the next day. I got one sentence into it when Heather, as she often does (I say that with much love), interrupted my processing with a story about a dream she had last night. I can't write and listen fully at the same time so I had to make a choice... stop and listen or ask her to hold the thought until I was done. Sometimes I do the latter but today, I felt like I needed to listen.

She told me her dream... nightmare really. She was trapped by people that were familiar but unfamiliar and by sin itself. She felt forced into sin and unable to talk her way out of it even though she knew Christ was real and He was telling her to just walk away... to tell her enslavers that she had found a New Life and go. But she knew they wouldn't listen so she tried to scheme a way to escape and be with Christ. Almost like a waiting lover and not an all powerful rescuer.

I asked her some question and had some ideas and we talked back and forth... as we talked you could visibly see realizations coming to her about some recent and some very past experiences... but what was different about today is that she was willing to pull them out and examine them. Heather can sometimes, like us all when something extremely painful comes to the surface, push things back and pretend they don't bother her. But today she began to cry and let things out. She wasn't just crying she was weeping. I had a brief moment of panic. I knew, eventually, she would have to do this in her life, and that it was something she desperately needed to do, but I didn't expect to be present or more especially the only human present.

What do I do?

I got up and gave her a big hug. Like a mama Di or Bonnie, or a big sister Julie hug. But I have hugged Heather a lot of times, and it wasn't enough. Pray for her.

I don't want to.

Why?

I don't want to mess this up. I'm good at that with her.

Pray for her anyway. Trust Me.

But the music. I don't want to pray super loud over it.

Turn it off then.

Awkward... Funny the silly excuses we try to use on God.

Not really. Pray for her.

Fine!

I reached over and turned the music off and just started to pray. God talked to her about forgiveness and healing and Love and so many things...

Afterward we had one of the most honest conversations her and I have ever had, and we cried and got to heal together! Grow together. We talked a lot about love. And how it looked to us and how it was really supposed to look according to the Word of God. Finally she got up and said, "I need to go forgive some people." And she went off in the other room with her journal and a pen.

I sat back in my chair. I knew it was my offering. Woah. Felt that... DEEP. I took a huge breath. Ok, Papa. Never saw that coming! Not in a million years!

I'm pretty sure He just smiled.

My good friend (well big sister really) Julie called right afterward... we had been talking before and my dad called so I had to go and then when I called her back a friend of hers had called... so this whole thing happened in between our conversation.

I told her about my Lenten offering for the day and she helped me process it, since Heather had been the one I was processing these experiences with directly after. The question of my own thoughts about love came up... I realized love looked different to me than the Word of God... it looked conditional in a way. Or twisted. Like it was something that came in doses depending on behavior and performance. It was always there, administered everyday, but it looked a whole lot different depending on how well I did or how pleasing I was. It was a lot to take in, and hard to admit I still had not realized these things fully.

This is what I did realize today... "God is the same, yesterday, today and forever!" Right?! Scripture says so. And "God is Love." Again, scripture says so! So... if God is love and He is the same yesterday, today and forever, then Love is the same, yesterday, today and forever. It does not come in doses. It is not given in accordance to performance. It is always there and always as big as God Himself. It isn't deserved it is given by grace... despite our failures, our transgressions, even our greatest sins!!

Now I need only to walk fully in that revelation from my Loving Father as it humbles me beyond words.