Rest

I've never been very good at resting... I tend to go until my body quits or my mind just reaches total arrest. I can't stop when there is so much to do! And there are so many people that I don't want to let down. Including myself and all the expectations I make for myself. And there so many people that rely on me and expect things from me and I can get caught up in performance. I pour out and empty everything I have. Work and disaster relief is morning to evening. Evening to late night, often middle of the night, is family and friends and more ministry. There are people, I'm sure of it, that are better at time management... people with the ability to stretch themselves out evenly over a day without over obligation... people with the ability to stop and fill and rest despite the things yet undone... I am not one of them. Yet. 

It was during a facebook conversation with a good friend named Jo that I realized it might be time to step back and rest and allow myself the time to process everything I had learned and everything I had seen. I didn't have the thought, of course. I was in tears and I told Jo I was just overwhelmed and I didn't know why. I felt like I couldn't sleep a whole night. I felt exhausted. Jo said, "When's the last time you really rested? Like, took time away from everything and everyone and stopped?" My answer... "ummmmmmmm". My internal dialog was like, click... "You did it again!" I was reminded of the last time I got sick. I was too sick to go see anyone and I was just annoyed about it to be honest. I felt like I was missing out and I didn't feel too sick to talk and sit with people, but I knew they didn't need my germs. So, I stayed in my trailer, thinking about all the fun everyone else was having.  I finally got bored with that and started cleaning. To perpetuate motivation I put a cd in that had been there since before me, a forgotten one from Di's collection I'm sure, and started jammin' out. By the third song I wasn't cleaning, I was worshiping, and I felt God's presence show up right there, dancing with me... and it struck me... "How long has He wanted me to dance with Him? How long has he wanted to be with me alone? How long have I not allowed it, and why do I have to get sick to slow down enough to really be with him?" Brother Lawrence says when you fail, not to be discouraged with the failure or overwhelmed by it, but to thank God you have seen it and get right up and move on. I confess, that is really hard in the midst of this realization. Why do I forget to stop and be with my God? Why do I forget to dance with Him? I'm so sorry, Papa... 

I decided to go home and see my friends and family and take some time to just rest and fill. God was so faithful in allowing it because in the midst of Gustav and Ike I was reluctant in my heart to go. Gustav came with little effect to Bay St. Louis, thanks to God's mercy, and it went. But it came with great physical, emotional and spiritual outpouring. Then, before the exhale, Ike started looking like a Katrina out in the Atlantic... Ike took the same path, and it was well organized and parts of it were a Cat 5. If we had to evacuate I wasn't going home! I was evacuating with the rest! Then it turned dramatically, and as my trip neared it seemed like I'd get to go. Friday came. On the way to New Orleans, waters rising in the gulf, we had to cross a feeder band to get to the airport. It was unbelievable. Mist fogged everything in sight. Rain came down like it was falling from a bucket kicked over in the sky. The dismal clouds blocked all the sunlight. I asked Bonnie, "How is a plane gonna leave in this?" She said it might just get delayed some. I'd be fine. We got to our exit and we were driving down airport road when, like a veil pulled back... WHOOSH... Sunlight! Birds! The clouds parted! Mmmmmm k. I was goin'! I called Mel from the plane when it landed, early, in Colorado, and she told me that the bridges in New Orleans had closed after Bonnie and Morgan got over them! About all I got is thank you Papa. 

...to be continued...