Day 4: I will write anyway...

I am at the END of this day... some nights come too fast and I find myself up into the night because I'm not ready to let it pass... some nights, I am ready for the day's close. I am ready to fall asleep and see what dreams and the new light of tomorrow morning will bring. Tonight I am ready for this day to end. I could lie and say every moment is bright and full of unabounding bubbles and sunshine! Or I could wash the cosmetics from my heart and realize that I have not yet overcome all that I long to overcome. I have not yet learned all that I dream of learning. I know, Jesus, that you are there. And that is progress! TRUE progress. Even in my gloomier moments I feel You beside me. It is my sustaining joy and comfort, though it doesn't always manifest itself in laughter and lightheartedness. Knowing You are there regardless of my present state. This was not always true of my past. In fact this was never true of my past! You were there and I failed to know it. I refused to see You.

I am sorry I didn't want to write tonight, Papa. I didn't feel like I could. I felt that block that has stopped me so many times. But I am here anyway. I write anyway... I give you all my heavy load Jesus... and pray for peace and renewal tonight as I sleep. I admit I cannot fix everything, every one, every problem around me... I acknowledge my inability... And I hand over all my "teeth-gritting strength", God, that You might transform it into an "inner strength that come from You"... that it might reveal Your grace...

Day 3: His Sacrifice

STATIONS OF THE CROSS

Today St. Rose did the first Stations of the Cross for this Lenten season. I remember going for the first time last year, and discovering the meaning behind the small Roman numeral marked bronze prints adorning the church walls. In all my "glimpes" of Christianity I had never even heard of The Stations of the Cross. The impact was deep and profound... and painful. Each station offers an incredibly honest and striking event in the crucifixion. If one is able, and more importantly willing, there is an opportunity to leave ones self and enter that dark and affecting and victorious moment in history. To walk among the crowd of witnesses, or maybe, beside Mary and John themselves. To feel the greif of those that knew Him and loved Him and the heat of the anger of those that hated Him. To see the tears, the fists, the faces. To hear the cross hit the ground when Jesus falls or the hammering of the nails into His hands. "Boom! Boom! Boom!"

The crucifixion has always brought me such tremendous heart ache. I think because I have always wondered what it must have been like for Christ to be beaten and cursed and rejected by His own people. The very people He was trying to help in fact. But the stations offer a much more dimensional visual of the crucifixion. A much more dimensional grasp of the sacrifice.

To know the pain of Mary and know I have walked in her shoes before. I have watched the persecution of someone I love. I've seen the suffering of the innocent and undeserving. I wept and grieved for them! Imagine Mary, who brought Christ up knowing He was God's, set apart and perfect. Imagine watching Him betrayed, accused, persecuted, hung on the cross to die. To see such love returned by such hate.

Then imagine how many swings of the hammer we ourselves have taken at the nails in His hands and feet. When His sacrifice did not outweigh our own hate or lust for worldly vices. When they hung Him on the cross I could hear the sound of the iron on iron as I did last year, and this time I could feel the vibration of the instrument in my hand. The impact of that contradiction. The realization of my own sin with the simultaneous enlightenment of the magnitude of His love and grace and sacrifice and the desire of my heart to weep and grieve for Christ like Mary.

This time, as I experienced the Stations of the Cross I didn't just witness it... I entered it. Oh, Christ, how much you have loved me and given for me. Even in your weakest moment you were carrying the weight of the entire world on your shoulders. You gave up your physical strength and in your weakness you administered grace to everyone!

Day 2: The Joy of Friends

Today is my 25th birthday! And though it has had its snags it was such a blessed and wonderful day. It started with a very loving and beautifully intended act. Morgan got up before the sun to go and buy Heather and I balloons to go with a plethora of gifts and silly string she already had to kick off a morning birthday bash. Then I was totally blessed to have over 15 messages from friends and loved ones on facebook and in my e-mail. The phone calls were steady all day from family and friends. Words of love and friendship and kindness. Di gave us both a wonderful gift. Elaine bought us a pineapple that served as a perfectly adequate and incredibly DELICIOUS birthday cake. The entire day was showered with wonderful words, gifts, blessing and prayers from all of the amazing people that God has BLESSED my life with. New and old. I just realized how many incredible people God has placed in my life. I was just washed with an overwhelming sense of gratitude and awe for all of the love and care and kindness and joy that God has gifted me. I remain utterly amazed.

THANK YOU, PAPA!

Another year... passed. Ash Wednesday is here again... a whole new Wind blowing in my life. When I look back my head spins with the revelations, the growth, the joys and the plain fun of this past year. I have made wonderful friends; I have found new depth in my old friendships; I have acquired incredible, unbelievably loving family; I have found Jesus in places, at depths and in ways I never IMAGINED! If all the blessed instruction and wisdom I have been passed and fed were really food, I'd weigh 900 pounds! Probably 9 thousand! Much of it I'm still chewing. Some of it has radically changed my life forever and ever. Some of it has brought me everlasting hope. Some of it has opened my eyes to pain and suffering I never knew I needed to pray for. Some of it has train wrecked me. Some of it has built me back up. All of it has taught me about the Most Important LIVING, MOVING PERSON IN MY LIFE: Jesus. His truth, His beauty, His LOVE. Jesus IS all of these things. And He has given me a purpose and an identity in Him of which we are only beginning to unlock the glorious surprises and mysteries.

My Lenten fast:
I will GIVE God my time in writing... EVERY DAY! I will spend as long in front of the computer, my diary, a notebook or whatever avenue He chooses for as long as He wants me to.

As Father Sebastian said in mass tonight: God, give us the GRACE (not strength... isn't that interesting?) it will take to stay faithful during this Lenten season.

AMEN