Day 4 - Tina

Warning: Today's is long!

Heather and I were late getting into town today... we didn't leave until almost 4 so I was thinking about my fast, a little anxious that I might not be able to find someone to reach out to today. I also started a really horrible antibiotic for a stomach infection I have so I wasn't feeling very good, and was hoping and praying that the condition of my belly wouldn't effect the condition of my heart... or my eyes!

We got to Depoe Bay, about 3 miles down the road and were surprised to see that the town was packed! Almost every parking spot was filled and there were people everywhere. We were just driving through, headed for Newport to go to Saturday mass, but we were having fun looking at all the busyness. Near the end of town there were 3 women standing on the seawall watching the waves and we both instantly recognized them. We had taken a picture of them at another beach in Lincoln City a few week before, and remembered their faces. We laughed at how memorable they were and at seeing them twice in the same month in two different places. Weird!

We got about a mile up the road and I had a fleeting thought that it would be fun to talk to them... and then a pang of anxiety at the prospect of actually doing it... "We should turn around, Heath."

Only seconds before we had seen them I was thinking and praying to God... I hope I can be a person that You can always count on to reach out to someone on Your heart! I want to be like Bonnie and Di. I want you to know that You can just use me if you need! So when I was afraid to walk up to them I thought, what if God wants me to! And I'm to afraid to do it! Heather said, "I was thinking we should talk to them too!" So we turned around and almost instantly got a parking spot, which was a miracle in itself. We got out of the car and walked to where they were sitting, but they weren't there.

It didn't throw me off this time though. I think I knew they wouldn't be there, but I wanted to show myself that I WOULD go and talk to them if God said to! I wanted to overcome that fear that hit me... that fear that I HATE! So, I have every assurance that going back and getting out of the car was the Holy Spirit, but as much assurance that it wasn't my Lenten offering missed, nor was it ever.

We decided to follow our noses to a little restaurant where we could smell the clam chowder and garlic bread from across town. In the end I realized that clam chowder and garlic bread are not good choices for stomach infections, but fortunately that didn't keep me from enjoying it at the time. And the extra 45 minutes we took there had some significance in where, and more specifically when we were at other places later.

We got back in the car and drove the remaining 15 miles to Newport to go to church, but it was only 4:30 when we got there, giving us an hour before mass started. We decided to get Starbucks while we waited and drive around. We ended up at this cute little grass park on a cliff overlooking the ocean. When we rolled up there were a few people in the grass but just us parked... but within five minute there were cars on every side of us and the spot was packed. I felt the nearing of my offering. A strange sense that God gives me that helps me to overcome whatever nervousness I might have when I am actually in the midst of his assignment for the day. What a dance this is I am realizing as I write this! I love God!

My drink wasn't feeling very good on my stomach so I decided to abandon it and get out of the car. Heather had her camera so she took the opportunity to get some ocean pictures while I walked around looking for whatever God's Eyes were on. Everyone that had been there a minute before had suddenly vanished. The street parking was filled but nobody was in the park. There was a little round building with a tall square dome top... silly looking thing. The door was open so I thought everyone might be checking something out in there. As I got closer I heard music playing and thought how nice that the park officials had set up speakers for anyone that wanted to find refuge in this little building.

But as I got to the door I thought, that is the prettiest voice I have ever heard. I had never heard this person. She had this high, melodious voice that just seemed to drift right up to Heaven. I wanted the CD.

I noticed that inside the roof was shaped to make an echo and looked all over to see where they had set the speakers up to make it sound so clean. I couldn't see anything so I stepped further in and noticed a little girl asleep on a bench right in the middle of the room, and a man sitting looking up at the ceiling on another bench perpendicular to the girl's. I smiled at them, thinking how adorable that they were just enjoying sitting there and listening to the music. I continued to look for the source of the music. I still couldn't see any speakers.

I stepped one more step into the room and stopped in utter, jaw-dropping-amazement when I noticed a little 80 year old woman in a red sweater and baggy faded jeans leaning against a column that had been hiding her tiny form until then... it can't be! I stepped in another step to see her eyes were fixed up but closed and her mouth was without a doubt issuing the amazing voice that sounded as if trained by choirs of angels themselves. The man caught my movement and looked over at me. He smiled. I could barely return the smile. I was overcome! I thought at first that it might be awkward for her if she realized I was listening but I couldn't leave. I sat against a column across from her and just leaned my head back to listen. She sang about a road that led to heaven. Marked with beautiful trees and flowers and grass... and in the distance Jesus waited for the singer.

A tear ran down my face before I realized it. I was thinking about the last 4 days, and the last month. I thought about my Nan who passed away on the 7th of this month. The song ended and I caught the tear, wiped my eyes and turned to see the woman's face. She was also crying. The man next to her, her youngest son I found out, said, "Echo made that neat." She smiled.

"You have a beautiful voice," I told her. She turned to me, not even slightly surprised to see a complete stranger sitting there. "Where did you learn that song?" I asked.

"I don't know I guess. On an album somewhere. There is another one. It was from a lover to his love but I always sing it to Jesus."

And she just started to sing it. "Whenever I see a rainbow in the sky, I think of you..."

Her voice was so beautiful. I just sat and stared. The little girl got up while she was singing and came to sit next to her. Her name was Calia. It was the woman's granddaughter I discovered. When the song was over the woman sat quiet for a minute and then opened her eyes real slowly. There was a sadness in them.

"Where did you learn to sing like that?"

She laughed. "I don't know I guess. Choir in church as a girl I guess. I used to sing all the time. Then one day my silly brother brought a phonograph and recorded me. I heard my high voice like that and I loathed it so I didn't sing for years! I would sing real low and quiet but not much. Then about seven years ago I sang real high for someone and he said I had a real nice voice and I started singing again. Have been since." Her face lit up. "Wanna hear another?"

"PLEASE!" Ask her what she needs you to pray for her. This was about when Heather had finished with her pictures and came in.

She sang two more, taking a few moments to talk with us in between each, before her family started to get very anxious to be moving on. "Can I hug you?" I asked her. She smiled, "Sure," she said. The family started to move toward the door. They were hungry and ready to get back on the road toward home, about 3 hours away. When they had all left the building and were in the grass outside and she was alone with me I stopped her. "I pray every night you know. Is there anything I can pray for you?"

She looked up at me a little surprised but very serious and said, "Well, ya know, to be honest, I have been real depressed lately."

"Oh!" I said... my heart actually hurt when she said it. Like an ache. "Can I pray for you right now?" I asked gently. I wanted to tell her she was wonderful and that she was a blessing and so loved by God and so many and that God wanted to minister to her and walk with her in the difficult world that she currently found herself, but I didn't have the words. I didn't want her to leave without knowing those things though and I knew the Holy Spirit would give me words in prayer.

"Ok." She said. I audibly sighed in relief I'm pretty sure. "What's your name?"

"Tina."

I wrapped Tina up in my arms and she melted into me. She needed a Jesus embrace, I could tell. She grasped my hand tightly and reached out for Heather's hand who was standing a little off to the side praying for me. I started to pray for her... and then Jesus just came and engulfed her! I can't describe this part. He swept her up and I just sort of watched. It was so surreal to be part of it but on the outside of it... somehow. When I had finished praying for her she hugged me really tight for almost a minute and then she said thank you, and we went our separate ways.

You love that woman a lot God. Wow.

Heather and I got back in the car and just cried for like five minutes. It was time for church. We were going to be late and almost didn't go but we both just felt like we needed to be there. In service I asked God to forgive me for doubting Him ever. For doubting His love ever. For doubting that He would help me find just the right person for my Lenten fast.

Trust me, Raindrop!

I prayed for all the people God had crossed my path with in the last 4 days... in awe and wonder I lifted them up to Jesus.

The last song reminded me of the word he has given me for this week: CONNECTION.

The song was a hymn. Hymn #594 in our hymnals:

Companions on the Journey

We are companions on the journey,

breaking bread and sharing life,

and in the love we bear is the hope we share,

for we believe in the love of our God.

For we believe in the love of our God.

No longer strangers to each other,

no longer strangers in God's house,

we are fed and we are nourished

by the strength of those who care.

By the strength of those who care.

We have been gifted with each other,

and we are called by the Word of the Lord,

to act with justice to love tenderly,

and to walk humbly with our God.

To walk humbly with our God.

We will seek and we shall find,

we will knock and the door will be opened,

we will ask and it shall be given,

for we believe in the love of our God.

We believe in the love of our God.

We are made for the glory of our God,

for service in the name of Jesus,

to walk side by side with hope in our hearts,

for we believe in the love of our God.

We believe in the love of our God.

I thought of Tina... Roxanne and Kate... the vanishing man... Timothy. And all the people that we break bread with on this journey...

I am humbled. And so blessed. Thank you Father who Loves me. Thank you Jesus who Saves me. Thank you Holy Spirit who Leads me. I love you.

WEEK ONE'S WORD: CONNECTION

A little late into the week I want to explain something that happened at Ash Wednesday Service. In fact I haven't blogged about that particular night in detail at all. And there is an important part of my fast that originated that very night.

Heather and I were very excited to get to Newport for mass, and knew that we would need to give ourselves about a half an hour to get there. Unfortunately we were running a little late and so we would be getting there right on time and not early. It was 6:57 as we were coming into town and we saw the big sign: Ash Wednesday Service 8:30am, 10:30 am & 7pm! Heather turned in and parked as quickly as legally possible and we ran inside.

But as we were coming in I felt like I had seen the Catholic church and it wasn't this soon in town. It should have been up a road a bit more I thought. I looked everywhere for something with the name of the church we standing in but couldn't find anything. People were still coming in and there was a man handing out bulletins while we came and little dusty looking, sparkley white stones. I grabbed one of each and while I waited for Heather to grab hers thumbed through the hand out to look for the church's name. I still couldn't find it. It wasn't until we were sitting, and the pastor had made his way to the front of the church and opened his notes for his sermon that I finally saw it: Atonement Lutheran Church.

I knew it! I showed Heather. We laughed... very quietly. She asked if I wanted to leave but I

didn't really think we needed to. I asked her the same and she shrugged. We were at an Ash Wednesday service, already late if we left to go to the other place... and I am a believer in divine intervention. Why did we miss looking at the name of the church coming in? Why were we late leaving the house and just right on time for the service to begin? God is with all of His people, Catholic, Baptist, Lutheran... Plus I what was this shiny white rock in my hand?!

God can be anywhere that He is welcome, and I felt His presence in the church when we came in. We both did. So we stayed.

The pastor began the service... I don't know if you have ever been to a Lutheran church and a Catholic church, but I can tell you they closely resemble each other in many ways. We sang a hymn and he read the readings. The main reading for the service was in Genesis when Moses goes up on the mountain to talk with God where He gives Moses the 10 Commandments and establishes His covenant with the Israelites. When Moses comes down he hears the people shouting and excited and finds them worshiping a golden calf. He throws down the stone tablets he is carrying and they shatter to pieces on the ground.

The pastor explained how the shattered stones of the tablets Moses was carrying, some pieces with visible writing of God Himself still visible on them, were a representation of the covenant God had established with the Israelites. And when Moses came down the mountain to find that they were already in the act of breaking the agreements of that covenant he threw them down. They shattered on the ground just as the covenant shattered. He invited us to imagine the Israelites holding those pieces of the covenant in their hand. What grief and loss for the things that could have been they must have felt.

He held up the little white sparkley stone he held in his hand. We are sinners. We too have

shattered that covenant with our actions. But God sent His only living son, Jesus Christ into the world to save it... to save us! He said, what will you do with your stone every Wednesday of this Lenten season? It was then that I got a Holy Spirit idea... before the pastor continued and I realized where he was headed with his sermon. I thought... what if I used that stone to write about redemption every week. There is a sea wall by the beach I used to play on as a kid. Across the street from my Nan's old apartment. Or I could write it in the streets. It didn't matter. One word about redemption. About what I was learning in this season of reflection.

The pastor went on to invite us to take our stone and lay it at the foot of the cross as we came up to receive our ashes. An invitation I couldn't refuse to take. But I intended to ask for another stone after the service and explain my reasoning. Which is just what I did.

It was a powerful service. And we sang a powerful hymn about growing out of the ashes, and God struck me with the realization of His sacrifice and His Love for me... for the world.

Heather and I spent an hour at least talking to people after the service and they are wonderful Spirit-filled people. And when we left we had new friends, new opportunities to serve in the community and a shiny, sparkling white rock!

In the parking lot I heard God. Connection. Connection was the word for week one. With redemption through Christ comes connection. I was excited to see what that fully meant! I still am!

Day 3 - Roxanne & Kate

I woke up today a tiny bit anxious about my Lenten offering. I wasn't feeling very flexible this morning. I don't always feel much like stretching first thing in the morning. And a thought struck me that made me a little nervous. What if I don't follow God's direction closely enough and DON'T find the person or situation that He has for me!?

As you might be able to gather, trust is sometimes more difficult for me than I let on. I suppose that could be translated into faith. So you can imagine how much I have learned about faith and trust in the last 3 days.

So yesterday I was feeling the anxiousness of uncertainty and unknowing while we were driving to Newport to get Heather's driver's license renewed. I am looking, Lord. Show me! What do you want today? 'Cause I have NO ideas! We got to the DMV and went in to find out we would have to come back another day with more information. So we decided to get some Starbucks while Heather looked, for the third day in a row, for a place that would wax her eyebrows.

While we were driving around looking God told me, I want you to ask a total stranger if they need anything. And I don't want them to look, by your standards, like someone in need. What?! I told Heather what He said to me. She looked over at me with big eyes and said, "um, that kind of intense. What does that mean?!"

"I don't know! I don't know if I'm supposed to jump out of the car and ask the next person I see. I don't know." We passed a woman on the phone. Nope. We passed a man crossing the street. Not it. Finally Heather asked, "can it be someone in an establishment. Like say, while I'm getting my eyebrows done."

"Awkward. No. Maybe. I don't know!"

She pulled the car into another salon parking lot. She had been to this one a few years back and thought that because they were a full beauty salon that they would do wax. I almost didn't go in. I was a tiny bit overwhelmed... but I decided to go in and sit with her while she was in there. The women seemed nice enough, and one had the credentials to do waxing... who knew you needed a certification for that!? Kind of glad about it actually!

I sat down and Heather was having small conversation with the Roxanne, the certified waxer... but I was checked out. I was in my own head, consumed by my Lenten fast at the moment. Blind. Totally blind. I finally looked up to watch the woman rip my sister's face and noticed this woman's gentleness. She had compassion for Heather's pain. She was gentle. She would ask her if she was okay, and put her hand on the skin after she pulled the cloth up to lighten the sting.

Finally Heather was done and we got up to leave. While we were paying both woman started asking us about where we were from and were interested to hear more about our time in Mississippi. We told them about some of the things we had done there. Roxanne, the owner I later discovered, told us that she thought that what we did in Mississippi was such an awesome thing that we got to be part of, and I responded, "Yeah. It was a God thing."

And her eyes twinkled. "I am here because of God."

I walked into the room a little further. "What do you mean?" I asked.

"I knew I had to leave Portland and doors kept closing. Finally I got a call from my brother who said there was a little hair shop in Newport. I told him no way. I don't like the coast. Well, of course the second I said that it was the one thing I kept coming back to. And finally God got me here."

I smiled really big. Yep. "Can I tell you guys a story?" I asked Roxanne and Kate.

I told them all about my journey to Catholicism, only to find out that they are both Catholic. I told them about my Lenten fast and what God was doing, and they nodded in the understanding that the season of reflection was upon us. I told them what He had told me on the way to the shop. "So, is there anything you need?"

They both looked at each other, maybe a little shocked that I had actually gone through with that whole story. They certainly didn't seem to think my story would end with that question. "Ummm. No. Nope. Don't think so." They both shrugged at each other, lips curled down in thought. It is funny the awkwardness that comes up at the thought of admitting to need. In fact, it's hard to think of a need at all, even though we admit in our minds our needs all day long. I told them, "It can be anything. It can be prayer."

Roxanne looked up at me sharply, not so awkward anymore, "Actually I have a really sick husband. And I could really use prayer. You can pray right now if you like!"

I was elated! "Yes!" I made the sign of the cross and started that request right away, absolutely in AWE at God and His provision not only for my offering, but more especially for this woman. What LOVE I got to witness. God's heart is beyond description... His nature, who He is, is just SO AMAZING. When I finished Roxanne was beaming and Kate was wiping tears from her eyes. You are awesome Father!

"I am so glad you came in here today," Roxanne told us as we were leaving, "just what I needed. Made my day."

"Mine too!!!" Heather and I said in stereo as we left.

What can I say in reflection except... WOW! After we had finished doing everything we had to do Heather and I went down to the ocean to watch as the last light of the day was falling off the end of the world and the sky was sparked with rich blues and oranges and purples. We were running in the waves thinking about the God of the universe that made such things... the same God that gives us the ability to find CONNECTION with others and with Him... the same God that washed away our sins and redeemed us, saving us from ourselves and this world. HE IS SO BIG!

"Trust in the LORD with all your heart [Raindrop] and lean not on your own understanding." Proverbs 3:5

Day 2 - The Vanishing Man

I left the house excited for what my Lenten offering might be today, but totally clueless which way to go or what to look for. After yesterday I knew that thinking I had any control over what it would be was useless... I might go through all the motions just to find out that God had something else in mind.

We didn't get far down the road. Heather was kind of anxious to get to the city to start on a photo birthday project for a friend and we both had that foremost on our mind as we were driving down Hwy 101 to get to Lincoln City. Traffic was moving a bit slowly, common near the construction about 5 miles from our house and so from fairly far off I noticed the silhouette of a human on the side of the road.

As we got closer I could see he wasn't just waiting to cross the road or check out the view... he had a big red wagon next to him filled with odds and ends... the supplies of survival I later realized... and at his side was an enormous white Alaskan husky dog. As we got closer and closer I could see more and more of him. He was heavily dressed for how nice the day was and had a full face of white hair. How much remained on his slightly older head was a mystery under a worn old knit beanie cap. It looked similar to the one fisherman where in the pictures I have seen. On his hands were gloves of a similar material and almost the same color that left the tips of his fingers bare to grip a cardboard sign that read only this: "NEED FOOD".

Something about his request struck me. He stood between two cities, far from any grocery stores or restaurants... nowhere for passer-byes to just run in and grab something if they felt so inclined. His request was so unimposing... so timid. And as we got close enough to see the expression on his face his demeanor matched his request. A quiet desperation. A subtle sadness. Feed him! I knew God was telling me to give this man food. "Thats it, sis!" I said. "I know you are excited to start the photo project, but can we take some time to go into town and grab some groceries to bring them back to that man."

She looked up to see who I was talking about. She saw him. Then she looked over at me to realize how incredibly serious I was and smiled, "Of course."

It took another 5 or 6 minutes to get to town and while we drove I thought about the man and his sign. NEED FOOD. I wondered how many people are brave enough to stand on the side of the road and broadcast their need, and I wondered if that subtle request was an inner cry for something more. A desire for a food that would fill him up forever and never leave his soul and spirit to hunger again. We are all in need of that kind of food. The Bread of Life that we receive directly from Christ. How many people hunger for that?! What if they bore signs across their chest: NEED FOOD? Jesus, what are the signs of a person's need for You? Show me.

And then I thought of myself... there was a time in my life when I stood still on the side of the road to the Kingdom and someone caught the sight of the sign across my heart: NEED FOOD. And Jesus showed me who He was. He fed me through the love and compassion of those He had sent and in our quiet times together, sweet and healing. He feeds me still!

We went to the first store that came up and got a few things... water, granola bars, dog food, a Kit-Kat... why not? I was rushing, ready to get back. The drive back was less congested and we seemed to get to the section of 101 where he was standing extremely quick. Heather saw my face was a little furrowed and I confessed I was a little nervous. "I have no idea what to say or do. I just know that I'm going to get out of the car and hand him this stuff. Not just pass it through the window. I want to talk with him."

She grabbed my hand and prayed. We got to the last bend and I inhaled. I'm all yours God! I will do whatever you ask! I strained to see his form in the distance. Nothing. We got right to the spot and still no man... no dog... no wagon. "We've only been gone like 15 minutes. There is nowhere to go around here! He has to be nearby." We searched all over. We drove up the road and turned around in a small business cove. No man. We looked up every little road, path or turn around we could see nearby. No man. I looked in the bushes even by the spot where he had been standing. No man. He was gone.

I started to cry. I was broken hearted at missing the chance to do what I was so sure God wanted me to do. But I felt Him say I will feed him. Just pray. So I grabbed Heather's hand and prayed for the vanishing man. I prayed for his stomach, that it would be fed and provided for... and I prayed for his heart, that it would be filled with a food that endures forever and never stops miraculously appearing in the desert... the food of LIFE- Jesus.

God told me my offering was done for the day. I had felt Him... felt Him moving, felt Him in this, even amidst the disappointment... DEEPLY felt Him.

Day 1 - Timothy

I woke up today knowing exactly what God wants for me for the next 40 days and excited to begin! I texted with a friend last night who also expressed his excitement and enthusiasm about the season of Lent and something about that realization that others were also entering this season of growth and reflection impacted me. What a powerful time this is in the world! What if EVERYONE participated in Lent? It would be like Christmas prolonged! Think of the outcome it might have! What changed might ensue?!

But as it is, there are thousands upon thousand, probably millions of people that ARE participating in Lent! Not only are all of these people significantly aware of their need for a Savior, but all are willing to reflect on that need and offer up something in return for the provision of that Savior in Jesus Christ.

I don't know! I was just so excited from the moment my eyes popped open. I looked up Ash Wednesday services in Newport at the Catholic Church there and found out they had an evening one that started at 7pm. So for the day Heather and I went to Lincoln City for some much missed time at the beach and some lunch and I thought about my Lenten offering and kept on the look out for a way to complete my first day.

Heather and I stopped at a little pizzeria that I've had my eye on every time we go through town. Pizza is my favorite food and I have been waiting for the perfect opportunity to try out this cute little place I had never tried. The woman smiled big at us from behind the counter and we struck up a conversation about all kinds of things. Mostly we just laughed and talked about our origins and shared little local tips we had discovered in our time here. It was fun! When we left I told her she was a blessing and said God bless and she stopped in her tracks and grinned really big and said, "well, thank you!"

And I was so excited to have finished day one of Lent! I had shared my light and joy with somebody... but God checked me. Not done! Not bad, but not deep enough. This offering for lent is about breaking through the padded walls of comfort I have built around me and sharing not only my smile and joy, but my DEEP.

My offering actually came in the most unexpected of ways. It came over text with a young friend of mine from California named Timothy. And it wasn't just that I touched his life with some profound words of comfort or an answer that the Holy Spirit interjected at an opportune time of need in his life... it was that he touched my life too. We talked about Lent, and about why it made a difference to me and why I was doing it.

I found myself DEEPLY encountering his questions. Was it just something I was doing out of obligation? Why was it important to give God the next forty days in the way I am? Was it an acceptable offering to a Savior that died on the cross for my sins... can we ever really offer anything? What is an offering? Shouldn't we give of ourselves to God daily? What can I give that I shouldn't give daily? These were hard questions to answer. Uncomfortable sometimes. Were there right answers?

Eventually my thoughts led me to this question: why wasn't every day a day of reflection and offering? I think, in my dream of who I could be if I were the very best version of myself, it would be. And everyday, at least in my life the last couple of years, is a day of reflection and offering! But my offerings are selective. My reflections are sometimes only encountered when my best side is facing the mirror and I am sucking in really hard.

I give God my heart and my struggles and my successes and my hopes and dreams and failures everyday... these are things I hand to Him to get by on the daily... But when it is my time or my pleasures at stake I put God a little further off. I don't want to do what He is asking just yet, it is taking from my time to grieve or escape or do what I want to do! And fear is a common dictator of whether I am obedient to His call to do something or talk to somebody too.

So this is a step forward, toward something more. This is a commitment to growth and an attempt to overcome life long fears and comforts and self indulgences, somehow justified by myself until now. It is an agreement to trust utterly and reflect on my life and myself with complete honesty... and to go DEEP everyday even if it stirs up waves in my life or makes me feel things that hurt or realize things that are hard or less than desirable. So, hopefully, at the end of forty days, I will discover what is missing from the other 325 days of my year!

So what started an inquiry of each others days turned into a DEEP journey into my own heart... I felt it! It was deep! And then, day one was complete.

And my last reflection of the night was this... after that conversation with Tim... after I went deep with God and with someone that He had put in my pathway that I wasn't accustomed to going deep with in such a way, it opened me up to do the same with everyone I encountered after. When the Ash Wednesday service had ended Heather and I met a handful of wonderful people that we had really cool and deep conversations with. It was such a delightfully unexpected repercussion of feeling God so deeply!

Ash Wednesday, 2010

Today is Ash Wednesday which ushers in the season of Lent... a 40 day period before Easter, used by Catholics and many Christians today, to draw near to God and reflect on His love and our Savior.

Knowing this time was coming I had been thinking, between the barrage of other things that came up when I first got to Oregon in December, of what God was looking for from me during this season. I have abstained from food in one way or another for the last two years, and wondered if this year should follow that pattern... but I didn't feel convinced that God was calling for further discipline or sacrifice in this area of my life this year.

Last year I was called to blog daily. To give up my frustration at sometimes having nothing to say and discipline myself to try. To sit down and write every day. And it was an awesome 40 days of continued revelation and unexpected overflow of the heart as I made my journey not only through Lent, but into Catholicism. I thought, should I just blog? It didn't feel like it was enough. But Ash Wednesday kept drawing nearer and nearer with no loud and clear direction on what this year would look like.

Late January my sick Nan took a turn for the worst. 10 days later, on February 7th she passed away... and Ash Wednesday passed out of my mind with her... along with many things. I found myself typically retreating from a lot of things to give myself the time i needed or wanted to mourn and grieve how I do... alone. (This time alone with God, unlike past loss... which is another blog entirely. But I checked out so to speak.)

It wasn't until Monday the 15th of February that I thought much about Lent again. I was driving home from a weekend trip to Eureka, California... thanking God for a refilling 3 days of getting to talk and process with a loving friend about so many of the things I had been trying to work through the last month... and I saw a hours posting on a Catholic Church sign for Ash Wednesday services. And without even a moment of question I knew that God wanted me to give up something I have been holding very closely the last month... a little too closely at this point: my retreat.

God is calling me to a season of service. Every day for the next 40, God wants me to get up, get out and reach out to one person or one situation; DEEPLY. I have been doing outreach for the last year so that may not seem like a challenge, but I will have no direction except from God and no pattern or process except God's divine plan. Also, reaching out is hard for me when I am grieved and want so much to be all alone where nobody can see me in my state of struggle.

So what is DEEPLY supposed to mean? I wondered too. I think God kind of answered me. Today I met a sweet woman at a local pizza shop and we talked about Lincoln City and memories of what it used to look like and all kinds of weather. We didn't talk about Jesus, but I shared a smile with her and blessed her when I left. When I was back in the car I thought... day one of lent done! But God stopped me. It wasn't. Day one was still ahead of me.

God told me, this isn't a call to bless along the way... that is for me to do all the time! During this season He wants me to drop everything else for someone... something... everyday. And He wants me WHOLLY involved. Mind, body, heart... I have to feel it. What He is doing: what He is doing through me, what He is doing around me in those moments. Comfortable, easy conversation is NOT an offering for me. I can do that pretty easily without much thought or stretch.

So I am giving God my time, my security of comfort, and my hiding this lent as an offering. Its actually kind of scary... OK! Not kind of, but totally scary. But GOD is bigger than my fear... and stronger than the grip I have on these things.

So I don't know totally what He wants exactly... or what it is supposed to look like specifically every day... but I have a feeling I will find out as I go! Like today.

BEAUTIFUL HANDS

My Nan has the most interesting and incredible hands... even in her old age, bent slightly with arthritis and wrinkled with age... nothing has kept them from being the most beautiful hands I have ever held.

They are the same hands that endlessly stirred the pea soup and pushed down the button for peanut butter toast when I came to visit as a girl... the same hands that wrote beautiful cards with incredible pictures and hysterical rhymes to everyone and for every event throughout her life... these are the same hands that danced with animation as she never grew impatient of my endless curiosities and prods for more stories... the same hands that waved through the air like a conductor when she sang to us... they are the same hands that rubbed my back for hours as a hard to put to sleep child.

They are also the same hands that worked and toiled through the depression... and the hands that held my grandfather's ring after they got married, his heart all through they're life together, and his hand all the way until he traded this place for heaven... those hands held her second love's through the last part of his journey too... those hands have fed hundreds over a life time, and wiped away thousands of tears- no matter their cause, she treated every one with utmost importance and care.

I have watched them closely all my life... with great curiosity, great admiration and great love. Even as she sleeps tonight, as close to death as one can get without passing through it, I cannot help but hold her hand and think how beautiful it is...