Ash Wednesday, 2010

Today is Ash Wednesday which ushers in the season of Lent... a 40 day period before Easter, used by Catholics and many Christians today, to draw near to God and reflect on His love and our Savior.

Knowing this time was coming I had been thinking, between the barrage of other things that came up when I first got to Oregon in December, of what God was looking for from me during this season. I have abstained from food in one way or another for the last two years, and wondered if this year should follow that pattern... but I didn't feel convinced that God was calling for further discipline or sacrifice in this area of my life this year.

Last year I was called to blog daily. To give up my frustration at sometimes having nothing to say and discipline myself to try. To sit down and write every day. And it was an awesome 40 days of continued revelation and unexpected overflow of the heart as I made my journey not only through Lent, but into Catholicism. I thought, should I just blog? It didn't feel like it was enough. But Ash Wednesday kept drawing nearer and nearer with no loud and clear direction on what this year would look like.

Late January my sick Nan took a turn for the worst. 10 days later, on February 7th she passed away... and Ash Wednesday passed out of my mind with her... along with many things. I found myself typically retreating from a lot of things to give myself the time i needed or wanted to mourn and grieve how I do... alone. (This time alone with God, unlike past loss... which is another blog entirely. But I checked out so to speak.)

It wasn't until Monday the 15th of February that I thought much about Lent again. I was driving home from a weekend trip to Eureka, California... thanking God for a refilling 3 days of getting to talk and process with a loving friend about so many of the things I had been trying to work through the last month... and I saw a hours posting on a Catholic Church sign for Ash Wednesday services. And without even a moment of question I knew that God wanted me to give up something I have been holding very closely the last month... a little too closely at this point: my retreat.

God is calling me to a season of service. Every day for the next 40, God wants me to get up, get out and reach out to one person or one situation; DEEPLY. I have been doing outreach for the last year so that may not seem like a challenge, but I will have no direction except from God and no pattern or process except God's divine plan. Also, reaching out is hard for me when I am grieved and want so much to be all alone where nobody can see me in my state of struggle.

So what is DEEPLY supposed to mean? I wondered too. I think God kind of answered me. Today I met a sweet woman at a local pizza shop and we talked about Lincoln City and memories of what it used to look like and all kinds of weather. We didn't talk about Jesus, but I shared a smile with her and blessed her when I left. When I was back in the car I thought... day one of lent done! But God stopped me. It wasn't. Day one was still ahead of me.

God told me, this isn't a call to bless along the way... that is for me to do all the time! During this season He wants me to drop everything else for someone... something... everyday. And He wants me WHOLLY involved. Mind, body, heart... I have to feel it. What He is doing: what He is doing through me, what He is doing around me in those moments. Comfortable, easy conversation is NOT an offering for me. I can do that pretty easily without much thought or stretch.

So I am giving God my time, my security of comfort, and my hiding this lent as an offering. Its actually kind of scary... OK! Not kind of, but totally scary. But GOD is bigger than my fear... and stronger than the grip I have on these things.

So I don't know totally what He wants exactly... or what it is supposed to look like specifically every day... but I have a feeling I will find out as I go! Like today.