surprised me the most. At the end of every day of Lent so far I have said, I'm not sure He can top that! I have seen such incredible movements of God's heart and found Him waiting in the most unexpected of places... and never, once, have I expected what I would find. Today was no exception.
I woke with the feeling of the impending fast. That feeling I can't describe. I was in my parent's home, on a Sunday, nobody home but me, my twin sister Heather and Charlie the giant dog. Really?! Who? Like a lost traveler looking for directions? I wouldn't put it past Him! I was beginning to realize it would never be expected. So I already knew it wouldn't be a lost traveler and decided to stop thinking about it.
We had missed going back to the Lutheran Church this morning. We had wanted to go to 11 o'clock mass but both overslept and decided not to rush it. We were contemplating what to do today and which way to drive while we were very slowly getting ready. I decided to sit down and finish my blog for the day before, as I usually start it the night it happened and finish it the next day. I got one sentence into it when Heather, as she often does (I say that with much love), interrupted my processing with a story about a dream she had last night. I can't write and listen fully at the same time so I had to make a choice... stop and listen or ask her to hold the thought until I was done. Sometimes I do the latter but today, I felt like I needed to listen.
She told me her dream... nightmare really. She was trapped by people that were familiar but unfamiliar and by sin itself. She felt forced into sin and unable to talk her way out of it even though she knew Christ was real and He was telling her to just walk away... to tell her enslavers that she had found a New Life and go. But she knew they wouldn't listen so she tried to scheme a way to escape and be with Christ. Almost like a waiting lover and not an all powerful rescuer.
I asked her some question and had some ideas and we talked back and forth... as we talked you could visibly see realizations coming to her about some recent and some very past experiences... but what was different about today is that she was willing to pull them out and examine them. Heather can sometimes, like us all when something extremely painful comes to the surface, push things back and pretend they don't bother her. But today she began to cry and let things out. She wasn't just crying she was weeping. I had a brief moment of panic. I knew, eventually, she would have to do this in her life, and that it was something she desperately needed to do, but I didn't expect to be present or more especially the only human present.
What do I do?
I got up and gave her a big hug. Like a mama Di or Bonnie, or a big sister Julie hug. But I have hugged Heather a lot of times, and it wasn't enough. Pray for her.
I don't want to.
Why?
I don't want to mess this up. I'm good at that with her.
Pray for her anyway. Trust Me.
But the music. I don't want to pray super loud over it.
Turn it off then.
Awkward... Funny the silly excuses we try to use on God.
Not really. Pray for her.
Fine!
I reached over and turned the music off and just started to pray. God talked to her about forgiveness and healing and Love and so many things...
Afterward we had one of the most honest conversations her and I have ever had, and we cried and got to heal together! Grow together. We talked a lot about love. And how it looked to us and how it was really supposed to look according to the Word of God. Finally she got up and said, "I need to go forgive some people." And she went off in the other room with her journal and a pen.
I sat back in my chair. I knew it was my offering. Woah. Felt that... DEEP. I took a huge breath. Ok, Papa. Never saw that coming! Not in a million years!
I'm pretty sure He just smiled.
My good friend (well big sister really) Julie called right afterward... we had been talking before and my dad called so I had to go and then when I called her back a friend of hers had called... so this whole thing happened in between our conversation.
I told her about my Lenten offering for the day and she helped me process it, since Heather had been the one I was processing these experiences with directly after. The question of my own thoughts about love came up... I realized love looked different to me than the Word of God... it looked conditional in a way. Or twisted. Like it was something that came in doses depending on behavior and performance. It was always there, administered everyday, but it looked a whole lot different depending on how well I did or how pleasing I was. It was a lot to take in, and hard to admit I still had not realized these things fully.
This is what I did realize today... "God is the same, yesterday, today and forever!" Right?! Scripture says so. And "God is Love." Again, scripture says so! So... if God is love and He is the same yesterday, today and forever, then Love is the same, yesterday, today and forever. It does not come in doses. It is not given in accordance to performance. It is always there and always as big as God Himself. It isn't deserved it is given by grace... despite our failures, our transgressions, even our greatest sins!!
Now I need only to walk fully in that revelation from my Loving Father as it humbles me beyond words.
No comments:
Post a Comment