Day 9: Paul

We left late today, as I wanted to finish all the blogs that I had started and not finished. We had to be at Atonement Lutheran Church for Randy's Feed and Read at 5 o'clock and it was 2:30pm. Heather still had to get her driver's licence renewed and I wanted to pick up some post cards, so we were kind of rushing, and I confess I wasn't thinking much about my Lenten blessing for the day.

However, as we got into Depoe Bay we saw a man on a bike with a little weathered terrier and a cart that read "Need Food". Seeing his cart flew me so instantly into flash backs of the vanishing man from the 2nd day of Lent that I suddenly remembered the food that still sat on the floor, in the back from that day, forgotten until this moment. WOAH!

I checked to see if it was the same man, but it wasn't. How amazing! So many parallels!

I threw up my hands, "Sis! That's it! God has already supplied the food!" And I parked.

We grabbed the food and the dog food and jumped out of the car. The man was talking to somebody in a vehicle that had pulled up and we waited to hand him the food. He turned to us, extremely energetic, annoyed that his dog was barking, and said, "Oh she won't eat that stuff, but I'll take the food."

We both stepped back. Then I stepped forward again and handed him the bags of food. He took them and tucked them into the wagon and turned to talk with us. And then he never did stop after that. I think even when we left he was still talking to us. He was funny! Angry, but he had a lot of funny stories to tell. I asked him how he ended up on a bike in the cold and he told me his whole recent history. He was on his way down from Alaska in a lawn mower and got hit by a car. After that he got another bike which also was destroyed when he was hit by a second car. Finally he had purchased this bike somewhere in Northern Oregon.

He laughed but with extreme bitterness. He was angry. Extremely. He asked us, "So, are you real religious people then."

"We are Christians, if that's what you mean."

"Well I ain't savable! Sorry! God's done too many **** things to me, excuse my French."

I wish I had told him that we weren't there to save him, only to feed him, and that the saving was up to God, but I couldn't think of anything to say. I was dead in the middle of an extremely unexpected turn of events.

When I did finally catch my balance I just asked him questions and we talked for probably 30 minutes with him. We found out that his name was Paul. I thought, "What a great name." Finally we made our exit and he said, "Sorry you couldn't save me. But I'm just not savable."

What do you say to that? Argue with him? I don't know!

I finally just turned to him and said what came to my mind. "Paul... are you lovable?"

"Oh boy, you shoulda met this girl..."

"Not like that, Paul. That isn't what I'm asking. Are you a lovable person. Can you be loved?"

"Well yeah! Everybody loves me. I'm a lovable guy."

"Well, then, you are savable!"

Just then somebody came and handed Paul a twenty dollar bill and we left. God was diligently after this man! Blessings were coming from every side.

As we were driving off and I was thinking, "perhaps we were only supposed to hand him the food and bless him anonymously," the realization of his link to Paul of the Bible struck me. We prayed for him. We prayed that, just as Saul, a stubborn, angry man against God had met Jesus on the road, that Paul would encounter his Savior in such an astounding way that he would be turned and claimed for the Kingdom.

Thank you for providing yet again... make me better at that. Teach me to walk more in your guidance and will, God, through your Holy Spirit, and not just my own zealousness. For then I can't be knocked off balance. Thanks for being God, and saving me again and again and again.

Day 8: Ninja for Jesus

My parents live on this little road that doesn't go very far in any direction. There are about 7 or 8 houses in the entire little area and it is one of those rare cases where almost everyone knows each other. Some of them we simply know names and wave a greeting on the way to the mail box, but a few actually stop by or interact with each other on a somewhat regular basis.

When our Nan was dying the neighbors directly across from us, a sweet older couple, would come by every day or two and asked us if they could do anything. The husband, Jim, will come over and feed Charlie for my parents at times when my parents can't make it. And when Nan was still alive, they would come and check on her when my parents were away more than a few hours.

Today, as we were leaving the house, Jim was outside and we decided to return a bread plate that he and his wife, Suzanne had brought us some treats on. We got to talking about everything... he told us old war stories, about what he did with his retirement, how he and his wife met, his hobbies. He took us to see his glass shop where he has a ton of broken glass that he melts down in a kiln and makes pendants and other neat things with. He also crafts beautiful wind chimes out of glass, wood and bits of sea shore treasures that he picks up on frequent excursions to the beach.

He agreed to let us to come over and work in his shop and use some of his clay and the kiln if we agree to let him sell our creations if they turn out to be anything so genius! We are excited to play, and excited to get the chance to talk with Jim more. Jim is an old Vietnam veteran that has lost a wife and seen quite a bit of heart ache, and Suzanne has cared for the sick and dying for years. Both carry their share of pain and hurt, with a need for a place to put it.

God laid it on my heart to bless them... they were to be my Lenten blessing offering. But How? I don't have anything to give them. Especially after all they have done for us.

Take them flowers.

We didn't have the money to buy flowers so we decided we would have to pick them. I forgot that this is Oregon, and its winter... few flowers have what it takes to bloom this time of year! So, we drove around for an hour and a half looking for flowers that weren't on somebody's property. We didn't want to break the Ten Commandments whilst blessing someone. Personal rule.

Finally we found four yellow flowers on the side of a back road and had to climb a few puddles to pick them. Then we decided to try an old swimming spot that we remembered being full of blooming flowers whenever we went. When we got there we couldn't see any and almost left, but I felt compelled to get out of the car and look. I walked past the path into a small grass plot and rounded a few trees. Hidden behind the trees was a bush as tall as me, filled with the most beautiful and obviously resilient white flowers. I picked three of them and put them with the others.

By the end of the journey we had a beautiful bouquet of flowers to give them that we tied with a yellow string and topped with a small paragraph about God's beautiful garden of life, written in pink on a 5x7 blank white index card. We also gave them a little picture of the ocean with, "You are a blessing!" written on the back.

Everything we gave was supplied by God's provision. Every flower was a divine creation placed in just the right soil to grow no matter the environmental obstacles... beautiful representations of His intricate and elaborate artistry. And He designated each one of them for those that He loved!

The flowers were not from us... we were simply the messengers sent at such a time as this... so we wanted to leave them to be found the next morning. They are late nighters, however and so we had to go just before our bedtime, in the cover of the night, like ninjas! We stealthily made our way across the street, avoiding any automatic lights that would give away our presence, and put them on the trunk of Suzanne's car under the car port. They would be in plain view when they came out the side door, which they used most often.

We weren't so ninja on the return however, as we were laughing hysterically as we ran, full sprint, across the gravel street and back into our own house.

Fun! Thank you for letting me be a part of it!

The next day I was looking at pictures that Heather had taken of their backyard while Jim and I talked and realized that they loved gardens and flowers. There was even a plaque that read, "The kiss of the sun for pardon, the song of the birds for mirth, one is nearer God's heart in a garden, than anywhere else on earth." How fitting that He would then speak to them through such an offering!

WEEK TWO'S WORD: BLESSING

The fast has changed slightly... this week I am to bless someone unexpectedly that God chooses in the way that He chooses. At first I thought, "Yes!! Got this"... then I remembered, I have nothing to bless from. I do not have an abundance of resources, money or anything else at this time in my life. What will I give? And I am in a community of mostly strangers. Who will I bless?

So... whatever I am to offer to another, has to first come from God so that I may give it! Whoever I am to bless through the provision and love of God, He must first put in my path.

How does redemption bring blessing, Father? Show me fully!! Teach me. Help me to trust you completely this week!

I love you... I'm ready.

Week 2, REDEMPTION brings BLESSING, begins!

REDEMPTION brings CONNECTION

My fast started off with a word... CONNECTION. When Jesus died on the cross for our sins He did a lot of things... I wanted to know more about these things. And so He has been teaching me.

As I embarked on this 40 day pilgrimage into the full understanding of just what Jesus wrote into my life when He blotted out my transgressions, I agreed that I would allow God to take me wherever He chose... and guide me in any way.

So why was connection the word for my first week? What did it have to do with me? (the rock)

The word connection, for starters, has many implications. It implies things that are joined... in life many things have connections... and the further I go through it, I struggle to find anything that doesn't have some kind of connection. Thoughts, ideas, lives, people, nature, God. All connected somehow.

So what was the connection that I had through the cross?

God showed me all week that I was connected to Him! I was part of His Kingdom... His family!! I am a part of Christ because of His sacrifice. It is because I am connected to Him that I can do anything!

"I am the vine; you are the branches (connected). If a man remains in me and I in him, he will bear much fruit; apart (disconnected) from me you can do nothing. (Check this out!) If anyone does NOT remain in me, he is like a branch that is thrown away and withers; such branches are picked up, thrown into the fire and burned. If you remain in me and my words remain in you, ask whatever you wish, and it will be given you. This is to my Father's glory, that you bear much fruit, showing yourselves to be my disciples." John 15:5-8 [My additions for emphasis in parentheses or caps.]

Can I just say "!!!!!!!!!!!!!".

Ok so... connected is not just a gift but a REQUIREMENT! He binds us so closely to Himself in His sacrifice that would bring us redemption, that we actually must remain connected to Him. And if we do... "[you] will bear much fruit," and you may, "ask whatever you wish, and it will be given you."

We have all known those unanswered prayers in our lives. Why does Christ say this then? Because when we are that connected, so in tune with our Savior and our Maker, the Holy Spirit will direct us what to ask! When we are completely connected with Jesus, we want what He wants for our lives... we desire His desires. This week I felt most connected to my God and Savior when I was trusting Him and asking and believing in Him to supply the Sun and the Water and the Miracle Grow that would make my branch able to bear the fruit I would offer Him up that day.

Then Jesus reveals something else that will come of His death and through the power of His resurrection in His prayer on the Gethsemane. "My prayer is not for them alone. I pray also for those who will believe in me through their message, that all of them may be one, Father, just as you are in me and I am in you. May they also be in us so that the world may believe that you have sent me. I have given them the glory that you gave me, that they may be one as we are one; I in them and You in Me. May they be brought to complete unity to let the world know that you sent me and have loved them even as you have loved me." John17:20-23 [Italics added for emphasis.]

So not only are we a part of God and a branch from the vine of Jesus, but Christ also unites us all to each other! That we would all be ONE! With Him and the Father! And for what purpose? Why does He connect us all to each other, to Himself, to the Father? "...to let the world know that you sent me and have LOVED them, even as you have LOVED ME!"

"The body is a unit, though it is made up of many parts; and though all its parts are many, they form one body. So it is with Christ." 1 Corinthians 12:12

"...God has combined the members of the body and has given greater honor to the parts that lacked it, so that there should be no division in the body, but that its parts should have equal concern for each other. If one part suffers, every part suffers with it; if one part is honored, every part rejoices with it." 1 Corinthians 12:24-26 [Italics added for emphasis.]

All believers are connected in one body! And totally undivided! No break in the connection. All parts of that body are equally as valuable and necessary to the whole.

I had a recurring thought this week that brought me much peace and thankfulness. When I am walking through something, because God has made us all one body that cares for each other and feels what each other feels, God has given us the ability to reach out to one another and pray for one another. So many times this week, and throughout the last month of my life, and the last couple years of my life for that matter, I have been blessed with the realization that the connected body of Christ rejoices with me when I rejoice and hurts with me when I hurt and lifts me up to the Great Healer, Jesus Christ. And I too am blessed with the same connection to their lives. Through Christ I am blessed with a whole new family... brothers, sisters, mothers, fathers that show me the fullness of those relationships through Jesus Himself.

But there is a connection beyond just believers. The connection described when Jesus says that He wants the whole world to know that they are loved by the Father!

As I was processing connection with Julie one night. I was trying desperately to describe this feeling I kept getting when I was walking fully in the confidence that comes from trusting God. "It's like everybody is instant family. There are no formalities. You see people differently... not so scary. You see yourself differently with them. I can't explain it." She thought of something from a TV show about a group of people on a plane that hardly interact with each other or talk or care about one another. Then, the unthinkable occurs, a disaster of some sort, and suddenly this group of people is banding together, worrying for strangers, caring for one another. It took some sort of crisis to get these people to come together.

And it hit me! That is the feeling that comes over me. The realization that there is something more important than possible rejection or hurt from a wounded world of people... we are all in the midst of the same crisis! We are self destructive! And we are ALL in need of a Savior! Without Christ we are doomed. Like the vine that isn't connected will be cast aside and burned! That suddenly becomes clear to me when I am trusting in God. His heart is more important than mine. Mine worries about me. His worries about being separated from His children.

We are all connected by God's heart, that beats wildly with unexplainable LOVE and COMPASSION for every single person.

Day 7 - Tracy & Ramona

Tracy, bless his heart, caught me extremely off guard this morning when he showed up at our parents home at 8:30. I am not much of a morning person, so even though I was able to be civil, I was hardly coherent. When I first saw this man's silhouette in the door it almost terrified me. He is an extremely tall man with a full beard and mustache. I didn't know anybody by that description!

When I opened the door I was surprised to recognize him though and felt more at ease. Tracy had come 2 weeks before, wanting to test the air ducts and vents in our house for leaks and reduce our monthly electric bill. My parents had scheduled this inspection with his company weeks before. We had to send him away however, as it was nearing the end of our beloved Nan's journey to Heaven. He was very sweet and left us a card to call and set up a new appointment. I learned today just how far he had to drive to be turned away from that appointment and it was very merciful of him not to charge us for the gas anyway.

My mom rescheduled the inspection for 8:30 on this very 7th day of Lent, without whispering a word of it to me, so Tracy and I were both surprised this morning; me to see him at all, and him to be yet again unanticipated. I let him in to meet my giant dog who allowed Tracy to pet him but only if he could growl at every motion... even protecting can't get in the way of a good pat. While he set up all his crazy looking equipment, I went back in the bedroom to explain to Heather about our guest and put on a real outfit instead of my very frantically puzzled together collection of different clothing articles littered between the bed and the front door.

For about an hour I fought the dizziness of my antibiotics and the nausea that comes on strong in the morning and fades a little as I wake up. I tried to lay back down at one point but the pounding sound of Tracy walking through the house and the clanking of the vents as he worked were not allowing me to drift off. We sparked up some small conversation with Tracy between rooms and learned that he was a grad student planning to go into the peace corps soon with his wife. His job doesn't keep him in one place long so I gave up trying to talk to him on the run and sat down at my computer in the living room. Is he my fast? I asked for the first time.

I had no idea. I couldn't seem to break through formalities with him and he was in and out so much I couldn't see when I would get a chance to talk with him, if I did at all. If so God, make a way... open a door.

I decided to wait for him to finish with his work. He said he would be under the house until about 12:30... it was 11:00. I checked my e-mail, my facebook, my twitter... I was bored. Then God just kind of nudged me... Have you thought about the person under your house? You have a lot of time and nothing really to do.

I had not really. I thought wow, there is a person here and what I knew of him was that he, and his wife, had big hearts, wanted to change the world and would soon go into a difficult assignment helping the people of a third world country. I didn't know if they were saved. My conclusion from the things he had told me so far was, probably not. And it struck me that I had an hour and a half to just pour prayers over him while he worked. To pray for his family, his life, his heart, his wife, his job, his education, his time in the peace corps... anything and everything God laid on my heart to pray. I had never done that before. I had never thought to do that before. Not to that extent.

So I prayed. And when he came back upstairs I wanted to know more about him suddenly. I was more interested. Eager to know more and to share Jesus -in whatever capacity I could- with him. So I waited until he was getting ready to leave and started to ask him questions. Questions about his school, his life, his dreams... an avalanche of questions I'm sure it seemed. But he shared with me his heart for people and to be part of something he could change and make better. He expressed concerns about the Peace Corps but was glad for the opportunity to try to improve it from the inside out. Heather and I got to share our own heart for missions and ministry overseas.

He listened intently. Asked questions even! I got to share almost my entire testimony with him and how I had come to Christ and was doing Lent. Afterward he confessed, he wasn't a Christian and he actually had problems, even intense anger in some cases, toward religious ministries in other countries. He had heard of many abuses of power and resources and information in his studies and in his experiences. He told us a saying from an African tribe... "When the white men came they had their bibles and we had our land. They taught us to pray with our eyes closed. When we opened them we had their bibles and they had our land."

Though shall not steal, I thought. "Not all people who come in the name of Christianity remember that we are called to love above all."

We got to share with him a movement of Christ-centered ministries that were doing more than telling people how to live, but also meeting their needs. We got to share with him that not every religious based group was honoring Christ's call to love their neighbor but that there were ministries that were inside that were working with people and as advocates for those who were vulnerable to being taken advantage of. We got to share with him Christ who came to save the world, NOT a false representation of a prophet that came to condemn it... a Christ who's commission to us was to first Love God and then Love our neighbors.

I kept thinking, he is going to get up and walk out of here. But he didn't. He stayed and listened to us and spoke with us long after his work was done. That conversation made me realize the false representation of Christ and Christians not only in the world and overseas ministries, but in the education system! It made me realize that God can make Himself known anytime, anywhere... even in a somewhat repaired, semi drafty living room, in a conversation with a zealous girl, who is learning not to let her fears get in the way of all that Christ wants to do in her and through her, even if she feels less than adequate.

Its not me God! Its You!!! It is You!!! I get it! I got it! Thank You!

I gave him my e-mail at the end of our conversation and told him to please write if he needed

anything or was looking for support or had any prayer requests. "Thanks," he said with a grin, "and I will let you know if I see any openings for ministry opportunities around."

It was a seed.

One of the coolest realizations was that God was planning the fulfillment of my Lenten offering weeks before I even knew I was going to do it! While my nan was still on earth my mom, who would never make an appointment for earlier than noon, was making an 8:30am appointment for a time when she would not even be here. He knew, before I even had a stomach infection, that I would be on an antibiotic that would knock me out like this one has. He knew before I started taking the antibiotic, that I wouldn't be able to go out to do my fast, so He brought it right to my living room air vent! I could explode with the indwelling of love and provision and care and joy that Christ has brought into His home... my heart! That he has been cultivating there until it has begun to grow out of the cracks and windows and doors in an overflow of living, moving, breathing LIFE!

He has a the most AMAZING way of orchestrating the symphony of our lives!

Day 6 - The Woman With the Story

Apparently, one of the side effects of the antibiotics I am on is extreme dizziness and wooziness. I woke up today extremely tired and struggling to wake myself. When I stepped out of bed I side-stepped a little before I found my balance. Finally I roused myself, checked my e-mail, did my stuff, woke my sister and got Charlie the dog, ready to go into town and get bathed.

I drove, which is a horrible truth I care not reflect on except to thank God for His protection. Heather and I washed Charlie, poor guy, and got him a hamburger for putting up with our strange need to have a clean and good smelling dog. Something beyond his understanding. We had a few stops to make along the way but I suddenly didn't feel much like making them. As we got close to the house even Heather was concerned about how I looked. She said, "You ok? You look kind of sad."

I said, "Actually I just feel really awful."

So we went straight home and I sat down and thought... now how am I going to do my Lenten fast like this? I was almost drunk with dizziness. I sat for a while until the room stopped spinning as much. Then I checked my texts and saw that my mailbox was 98% full. As I was scanning over my messages, making room for future texts I came across one I had sent myself a few days ago. I had saved it until later because it was the email of a woman Heather and I had met last Thursday.

After a very awesome Thursday we had decided to drive up to the next town beyond Newport on Hwy 101. There was a beach there and when we got to town the sun was just setting and we stopped to take pictures and walk along the bay that the city is built on. While we were there a woman came down from a house with her giant, adorable dog. The dog, as if we were old friends, came barreling up to me, almost knocking me over in her excitement to greet me. The woman came with a slightly apologetic looking face behind but when she saw my giant smile she relaxed.

We talked for a while and watched the sun set together. She told Heather and I a little about her life and we shared a little about ours. Her and Heather talked for a while whilst her dog and dug in the sand and cuddled for a little while. Before the sun had completely set she had to go and I asked her for her email so that I could send the pictures we had taken of her puppy to her. I text it to myself.

So today as I ran across it again I thought, I should send those pictures. And tell her how many times she has crossed your mind in the last 3 days. God opened the door for me to share deeply of Himself with someone, even in the midst of my bad reaction to this medication. When I thought despairingly that I would have to ask God to forgive me for not being able to do the fast today, He opened a totally new and unexpected window of reaching out. I could rest when my head hurt and take as much time as I needed to write the e-mail. Something I could not have done in person.

I wrote to her and asked God to orchestrate my fingers as I typed. The Holy Spirit led me to share some of my testimony with her and tell her that I had been praying for her. He also prompted me to ask about her and to hear more about her life, which I had truly wanted to when she had to go a few nights before. Everyone has a story. A wonderful story that is their story... and God wired me with a love to hear them.

Later a friend asked me, was it easier to e-mail or would it have been easier to say everything in person? I thought for a minute. I had thought e-mail would have been easier. No rejection. No awkwardness. But I have learned in the last 5 days that rejection and awkwardness are almost never directed at right at me and almost never really get in the way of what God is trying to do. In person I could have seen her face. I could have prayed with her. She would have responded so I would know how much I could share and how much was too much. And something I realized later, that e-mail is written... so it had to be done just right. Words in conversation can be forgotten or heard by the listener just how they need to be... but words in an e-mail can be read and reviewed. I prayed much while I wrote it and after I sent it... that it would be received well and that it would have the right impact. Now I have to wait for a response.

But what was the same was that I had to put my fears and inhibitions aside and go as deep as God was asking. It still took all of Him and none of me... I would not have been able share that much were it not for God's strength and grace. It was the first e-mail of that depth and infiltrated with that much feeling that I have ever written to a complete stranger. It stretched me to say the least! Especially when I reread it and then had to ask God for the strength to actually click the "send" button!

So what I learned today is that even when I thought I was useless, and failed to trust my God again... He reassured me and made a way. God is NOT the God of second chances, as I have heard it told... He is the God of seemingly endless chances.

Will I ever not need them?? How I wish that could be my offering!

Thank you, Lord. Forgive me again for failing to trust in your provision and let tomorrow be a brand new day! I love you.

Day 5 - Heather

surprised me the most. At the end of every day of Lent so far I have said, I'm not sure He can top that! I have seen such incredible movements of God's heart and found Him waiting in the most unexpected of places... and never, once, have I expected what I would find. Today was no exception.

I woke with the feeling of the impending fast. That feeling I can't describe. I was in my parent's home, on a Sunday, nobody home but me, my twin sister Heather and Charlie the giant dog. Really?! Who? Like a lost traveler looking for directions? I wouldn't put it past Him! I was beginning to realize it would never be expected. So I already knew it wouldn't be a lost traveler and decided to stop thinking about it.

We had missed going back to the Lutheran Church this morning. We had wanted to go to 11 o'clock mass but both overslept and decided not to rush it. We were contemplating what to do today and which way to drive while we were very slowly getting ready. I decided to sit down and finish my blog for the day before, as I usually start it the night it happened and finish it the next day. I got one sentence into it when Heather, as she often does (I say that with much love), interrupted my processing with a story about a dream she had last night. I can't write and listen fully at the same time so I had to make a choice... stop and listen or ask her to hold the thought until I was done. Sometimes I do the latter but today, I felt like I needed to listen.

She told me her dream... nightmare really. She was trapped by people that were familiar but unfamiliar and by sin itself. She felt forced into sin and unable to talk her way out of it even though she knew Christ was real and He was telling her to just walk away... to tell her enslavers that she had found a New Life and go. But she knew they wouldn't listen so she tried to scheme a way to escape and be with Christ. Almost like a waiting lover and not an all powerful rescuer.

I asked her some question and had some ideas and we talked back and forth... as we talked you could visibly see realizations coming to her about some recent and some very past experiences... but what was different about today is that she was willing to pull them out and examine them. Heather can sometimes, like us all when something extremely painful comes to the surface, push things back and pretend they don't bother her. But today she began to cry and let things out. She wasn't just crying she was weeping. I had a brief moment of panic. I knew, eventually, she would have to do this in her life, and that it was something she desperately needed to do, but I didn't expect to be present or more especially the only human present.

What do I do?

I got up and gave her a big hug. Like a mama Di or Bonnie, or a big sister Julie hug. But I have hugged Heather a lot of times, and it wasn't enough. Pray for her.

I don't want to.

Why?

I don't want to mess this up. I'm good at that with her.

Pray for her anyway. Trust Me.

But the music. I don't want to pray super loud over it.

Turn it off then.

Awkward... Funny the silly excuses we try to use on God.

Not really. Pray for her.

Fine!

I reached over and turned the music off and just started to pray. God talked to her about forgiveness and healing and Love and so many things...

Afterward we had one of the most honest conversations her and I have ever had, and we cried and got to heal together! Grow together. We talked a lot about love. And how it looked to us and how it was really supposed to look according to the Word of God. Finally she got up and said, "I need to go forgive some people." And she went off in the other room with her journal and a pen.

I sat back in my chair. I knew it was my offering. Woah. Felt that... DEEP. I took a huge breath. Ok, Papa. Never saw that coming! Not in a million years!

I'm pretty sure He just smiled.

My good friend (well big sister really) Julie called right afterward... we had been talking before and my dad called so I had to go and then when I called her back a friend of hers had called... so this whole thing happened in between our conversation.

I told her about my Lenten offering for the day and she helped me process it, since Heather had been the one I was processing these experiences with directly after. The question of my own thoughts about love came up... I realized love looked different to me than the Word of God... it looked conditional in a way. Or twisted. Like it was something that came in doses depending on behavior and performance. It was always there, administered everyday, but it looked a whole lot different depending on how well I did or how pleasing I was. It was a lot to take in, and hard to admit I still had not realized these things fully.

This is what I did realize today... "God is the same, yesterday, today and forever!" Right?! Scripture says so. And "God is Love." Again, scripture says so! So... if God is love and He is the same yesterday, today and forever, then Love is the same, yesterday, today and forever. It does not come in doses. It is not given in accordance to performance. It is always there and always as big as God Himself. It isn't deserved it is given by grace... despite our failures, our transgressions, even our greatest sins!!

Now I need only to walk fully in that revelation from my Loving Father as it humbles me beyond words.

Day 4 - Tina

Warning: Today's is long!

Heather and I were late getting into town today... we didn't leave until almost 4 so I was thinking about my fast, a little anxious that I might not be able to find someone to reach out to today. I also started a really horrible antibiotic for a stomach infection I have so I wasn't feeling very good, and was hoping and praying that the condition of my belly wouldn't effect the condition of my heart... or my eyes!

We got to Depoe Bay, about 3 miles down the road and were surprised to see that the town was packed! Almost every parking spot was filled and there were people everywhere. We were just driving through, headed for Newport to go to Saturday mass, but we were having fun looking at all the busyness. Near the end of town there were 3 women standing on the seawall watching the waves and we both instantly recognized them. We had taken a picture of them at another beach in Lincoln City a few week before, and remembered their faces. We laughed at how memorable they were and at seeing them twice in the same month in two different places. Weird!

We got about a mile up the road and I had a fleeting thought that it would be fun to talk to them... and then a pang of anxiety at the prospect of actually doing it... "We should turn around, Heath."

Only seconds before we had seen them I was thinking and praying to God... I hope I can be a person that You can always count on to reach out to someone on Your heart! I want to be like Bonnie and Di. I want you to know that You can just use me if you need! So when I was afraid to walk up to them I thought, what if God wants me to! And I'm to afraid to do it! Heather said, "I was thinking we should talk to them too!" So we turned around and almost instantly got a parking spot, which was a miracle in itself. We got out of the car and walked to where they were sitting, but they weren't there.

It didn't throw me off this time though. I think I knew they wouldn't be there, but I wanted to show myself that I WOULD go and talk to them if God said to! I wanted to overcome that fear that hit me... that fear that I HATE! So, I have every assurance that going back and getting out of the car was the Holy Spirit, but as much assurance that it wasn't my Lenten offering missed, nor was it ever.

We decided to follow our noses to a little restaurant where we could smell the clam chowder and garlic bread from across town. In the end I realized that clam chowder and garlic bread are not good choices for stomach infections, but fortunately that didn't keep me from enjoying it at the time. And the extra 45 minutes we took there had some significance in where, and more specifically when we were at other places later.

We got back in the car and drove the remaining 15 miles to Newport to go to church, but it was only 4:30 when we got there, giving us an hour before mass started. We decided to get Starbucks while we waited and drive around. We ended up at this cute little grass park on a cliff overlooking the ocean. When we rolled up there were a few people in the grass but just us parked... but within five minute there were cars on every side of us and the spot was packed. I felt the nearing of my offering. A strange sense that God gives me that helps me to overcome whatever nervousness I might have when I am actually in the midst of his assignment for the day. What a dance this is I am realizing as I write this! I love God!

My drink wasn't feeling very good on my stomach so I decided to abandon it and get out of the car. Heather had her camera so she took the opportunity to get some ocean pictures while I walked around looking for whatever God's Eyes were on. Everyone that had been there a minute before had suddenly vanished. The street parking was filled but nobody was in the park. There was a little round building with a tall square dome top... silly looking thing. The door was open so I thought everyone might be checking something out in there. As I got closer I heard music playing and thought how nice that the park officials had set up speakers for anyone that wanted to find refuge in this little building.

But as I got to the door I thought, that is the prettiest voice I have ever heard. I had never heard this person. She had this high, melodious voice that just seemed to drift right up to Heaven. I wanted the CD.

I noticed that inside the roof was shaped to make an echo and looked all over to see where they had set the speakers up to make it sound so clean. I couldn't see anything so I stepped further in and noticed a little girl asleep on a bench right in the middle of the room, and a man sitting looking up at the ceiling on another bench perpendicular to the girl's. I smiled at them, thinking how adorable that they were just enjoying sitting there and listening to the music. I continued to look for the source of the music. I still couldn't see any speakers.

I stepped one more step into the room and stopped in utter, jaw-dropping-amazement when I noticed a little 80 year old woman in a red sweater and baggy faded jeans leaning against a column that had been hiding her tiny form until then... it can't be! I stepped in another step to see her eyes were fixed up but closed and her mouth was without a doubt issuing the amazing voice that sounded as if trained by choirs of angels themselves. The man caught my movement and looked over at me. He smiled. I could barely return the smile. I was overcome! I thought at first that it might be awkward for her if she realized I was listening but I couldn't leave. I sat against a column across from her and just leaned my head back to listen. She sang about a road that led to heaven. Marked with beautiful trees and flowers and grass... and in the distance Jesus waited for the singer.

A tear ran down my face before I realized it. I was thinking about the last 4 days, and the last month. I thought about my Nan who passed away on the 7th of this month. The song ended and I caught the tear, wiped my eyes and turned to see the woman's face. She was also crying. The man next to her, her youngest son I found out, said, "Echo made that neat." She smiled.

"You have a beautiful voice," I told her. She turned to me, not even slightly surprised to see a complete stranger sitting there. "Where did you learn that song?" I asked.

"I don't know I guess. On an album somewhere. There is another one. It was from a lover to his love but I always sing it to Jesus."

And she just started to sing it. "Whenever I see a rainbow in the sky, I think of you..."

Her voice was so beautiful. I just sat and stared. The little girl got up while she was singing and came to sit next to her. Her name was Calia. It was the woman's granddaughter I discovered. When the song was over the woman sat quiet for a minute and then opened her eyes real slowly. There was a sadness in them.

"Where did you learn to sing like that?"

She laughed. "I don't know I guess. Choir in church as a girl I guess. I used to sing all the time. Then one day my silly brother brought a phonograph and recorded me. I heard my high voice like that and I loathed it so I didn't sing for years! I would sing real low and quiet but not much. Then about seven years ago I sang real high for someone and he said I had a real nice voice and I started singing again. Have been since." Her face lit up. "Wanna hear another?"

"PLEASE!" Ask her what she needs you to pray for her. This was about when Heather had finished with her pictures and came in.

She sang two more, taking a few moments to talk with us in between each, before her family started to get very anxious to be moving on. "Can I hug you?" I asked her. She smiled, "Sure," she said. The family started to move toward the door. They were hungry and ready to get back on the road toward home, about 3 hours away. When they had all left the building and were in the grass outside and she was alone with me I stopped her. "I pray every night you know. Is there anything I can pray for you?"

She looked up at me a little surprised but very serious and said, "Well, ya know, to be honest, I have been real depressed lately."

"Oh!" I said... my heart actually hurt when she said it. Like an ache. "Can I pray for you right now?" I asked gently. I wanted to tell her she was wonderful and that she was a blessing and so loved by God and so many and that God wanted to minister to her and walk with her in the difficult world that she currently found herself, but I didn't have the words. I didn't want her to leave without knowing those things though and I knew the Holy Spirit would give me words in prayer.

"Ok." She said. I audibly sighed in relief I'm pretty sure. "What's your name?"

"Tina."

I wrapped Tina up in my arms and she melted into me. She needed a Jesus embrace, I could tell. She grasped my hand tightly and reached out for Heather's hand who was standing a little off to the side praying for me. I started to pray for her... and then Jesus just came and engulfed her! I can't describe this part. He swept her up and I just sort of watched. It was so surreal to be part of it but on the outside of it... somehow. When I had finished praying for her she hugged me really tight for almost a minute and then she said thank you, and we went our separate ways.

You love that woman a lot God. Wow.

Heather and I got back in the car and just cried for like five minutes. It was time for church. We were going to be late and almost didn't go but we both just felt like we needed to be there. In service I asked God to forgive me for doubting Him ever. For doubting His love ever. For doubting that He would help me find just the right person for my Lenten fast.

Trust me, Raindrop!

I prayed for all the people God had crossed my path with in the last 4 days... in awe and wonder I lifted them up to Jesus.

The last song reminded me of the word he has given me for this week: CONNECTION.

The song was a hymn. Hymn #594 in our hymnals:

Companions on the Journey

We are companions on the journey,

breaking bread and sharing life,

and in the love we bear is the hope we share,

for we believe in the love of our God.

For we believe in the love of our God.

No longer strangers to each other,

no longer strangers in God's house,

we are fed and we are nourished

by the strength of those who care.

By the strength of those who care.

We have been gifted with each other,

and we are called by the Word of the Lord,

to act with justice to love tenderly,

and to walk humbly with our God.

To walk humbly with our God.

We will seek and we shall find,

we will knock and the door will be opened,

we will ask and it shall be given,

for we believe in the love of our God.

We believe in the love of our God.

We are made for the glory of our God,

for service in the name of Jesus,

to walk side by side with hope in our hearts,

for we believe in the love of our God.

We believe in the love of our God.

I thought of Tina... Roxanne and Kate... the vanishing man... Timothy. And all the people that we break bread with on this journey...

I am humbled. And so blessed. Thank you Father who Loves me. Thank you Jesus who Saves me. Thank you Holy Spirit who Leads me. I love you.

WEEK ONE'S WORD: CONNECTION

A little late into the week I want to explain something that happened at Ash Wednesday Service. In fact I haven't blogged about that particular night in detail at all. And there is an important part of my fast that originated that very night.

Heather and I were very excited to get to Newport for mass, and knew that we would need to give ourselves about a half an hour to get there. Unfortunately we were running a little late and so we would be getting there right on time and not early. It was 6:57 as we were coming into town and we saw the big sign: Ash Wednesday Service 8:30am, 10:30 am & 7pm! Heather turned in and parked as quickly as legally possible and we ran inside.

But as we were coming in I felt like I had seen the Catholic church and it wasn't this soon in town. It should have been up a road a bit more I thought. I looked everywhere for something with the name of the church we standing in but couldn't find anything. People were still coming in and there was a man handing out bulletins while we came and little dusty looking, sparkley white stones. I grabbed one of each and while I waited for Heather to grab hers thumbed through the hand out to look for the church's name. I still couldn't find it. It wasn't until we were sitting, and the pastor had made his way to the front of the church and opened his notes for his sermon that I finally saw it: Atonement Lutheran Church.

I knew it! I showed Heather. We laughed... very quietly. She asked if I wanted to leave but I

didn't really think we needed to. I asked her the same and she shrugged. We were at an Ash Wednesday service, already late if we left to go to the other place... and I am a believer in divine intervention. Why did we miss looking at the name of the church coming in? Why were we late leaving the house and just right on time for the service to begin? God is with all of His people, Catholic, Baptist, Lutheran... Plus I what was this shiny white rock in my hand?!

God can be anywhere that He is welcome, and I felt His presence in the church when we came in. We both did. So we stayed.

The pastor began the service... I don't know if you have ever been to a Lutheran church and a Catholic church, but I can tell you they closely resemble each other in many ways. We sang a hymn and he read the readings. The main reading for the service was in Genesis when Moses goes up on the mountain to talk with God where He gives Moses the 10 Commandments and establishes His covenant with the Israelites. When Moses comes down he hears the people shouting and excited and finds them worshiping a golden calf. He throws down the stone tablets he is carrying and they shatter to pieces on the ground.

The pastor explained how the shattered stones of the tablets Moses was carrying, some pieces with visible writing of God Himself still visible on them, were a representation of the covenant God had established with the Israelites. And when Moses came down the mountain to find that they were already in the act of breaking the agreements of that covenant he threw them down. They shattered on the ground just as the covenant shattered. He invited us to imagine the Israelites holding those pieces of the covenant in their hand. What grief and loss for the things that could have been they must have felt.

He held up the little white sparkley stone he held in his hand. We are sinners. We too have

shattered that covenant with our actions. But God sent His only living son, Jesus Christ into the world to save it... to save us! He said, what will you do with your stone every Wednesday of this Lenten season? It was then that I got a Holy Spirit idea... before the pastor continued and I realized where he was headed with his sermon. I thought... what if I used that stone to write about redemption every week. There is a sea wall by the beach I used to play on as a kid. Across the street from my Nan's old apartment. Or I could write it in the streets. It didn't matter. One word about redemption. About what I was learning in this season of reflection.

The pastor went on to invite us to take our stone and lay it at the foot of the cross as we came up to receive our ashes. An invitation I couldn't refuse to take. But I intended to ask for another stone after the service and explain my reasoning. Which is just what I did.

It was a powerful service. And we sang a powerful hymn about growing out of the ashes, and God struck me with the realization of His sacrifice and His Love for me... for the world.

Heather and I spent an hour at least talking to people after the service and they are wonderful Spirit-filled people. And when we left we had new friends, new opportunities to serve in the community and a shiny, sparkling white rock!

In the parking lot I heard God. Connection. Connection was the word for week one. With redemption through Christ comes connection. I was excited to see what that fully meant! I still am!

Day 3 - Roxanne & Kate

I woke up today a tiny bit anxious about my Lenten offering. I wasn't feeling very flexible this morning. I don't always feel much like stretching first thing in the morning. And a thought struck me that made me a little nervous. What if I don't follow God's direction closely enough and DON'T find the person or situation that He has for me!?

As you might be able to gather, trust is sometimes more difficult for me than I let on. I suppose that could be translated into faith. So you can imagine how much I have learned about faith and trust in the last 3 days.

So yesterday I was feeling the anxiousness of uncertainty and unknowing while we were driving to Newport to get Heather's driver's license renewed. I am looking, Lord. Show me! What do you want today? 'Cause I have NO ideas! We got to the DMV and went in to find out we would have to come back another day with more information. So we decided to get some Starbucks while Heather looked, for the third day in a row, for a place that would wax her eyebrows.

While we were driving around looking God told me, I want you to ask a total stranger if they need anything. And I don't want them to look, by your standards, like someone in need. What?! I told Heather what He said to me. She looked over at me with big eyes and said, "um, that kind of intense. What does that mean?!"

"I don't know! I don't know if I'm supposed to jump out of the car and ask the next person I see. I don't know." We passed a woman on the phone. Nope. We passed a man crossing the street. Not it. Finally Heather asked, "can it be someone in an establishment. Like say, while I'm getting my eyebrows done."

"Awkward. No. Maybe. I don't know!"

She pulled the car into another salon parking lot. She had been to this one a few years back and thought that because they were a full beauty salon that they would do wax. I almost didn't go in. I was a tiny bit overwhelmed... but I decided to go in and sit with her while she was in there. The women seemed nice enough, and one had the credentials to do waxing... who knew you needed a certification for that!? Kind of glad about it actually!

I sat down and Heather was having small conversation with the Roxanne, the certified waxer... but I was checked out. I was in my own head, consumed by my Lenten fast at the moment. Blind. Totally blind. I finally looked up to watch the woman rip my sister's face and noticed this woman's gentleness. She had compassion for Heather's pain. She was gentle. She would ask her if she was okay, and put her hand on the skin after she pulled the cloth up to lighten the sting.

Finally Heather was done and we got up to leave. While we were paying both woman started asking us about where we were from and were interested to hear more about our time in Mississippi. We told them about some of the things we had done there. Roxanne, the owner I later discovered, told us that she thought that what we did in Mississippi was such an awesome thing that we got to be part of, and I responded, "Yeah. It was a God thing."

And her eyes twinkled. "I am here because of God."

I walked into the room a little further. "What do you mean?" I asked.

"I knew I had to leave Portland and doors kept closing. Finally I got a call from my brother who said there was a little hair shop in Newport. I told him no way. I don't like the coast. Well, of course the second I said that it was the one thing I kept coming back to. And finally God got me here."

I smiled really big. Yep. "Can I tell you guys a story?" I asked Roxanne and Kate.

I told them all about my journey to Catholicism, only to find out that they are both Catholic. I told them about my Lenten fast and what God was doing, and they nodded in the understanding that the season of reflection was upon us. I told them what He had told me on the way to the shop. "So, is there anything you need?"

They both looked at each other, maybe a little shocked that I had actually gone through with that whole story. They certainly didn't seem to think my story would end with that question. "Ummm. No. Nope. Don't think so." They both shrugged at each other, lips curled down in thought. It is funny the awkwardness that comes up at the thought of admitting to need. In fact, it's hard to think of a need at all, even though we admit in our minds our needs all day long. I told them, "It can be anything. It can be prayer."

Roxanne looked up at me sharply, not so awkward anymore, "Actually I have a really sick husband. And I could really use prayer. You can pray right now if you like!"

I was elated! "Yes!" I made the sign of the cross and started that request right away, absolutely in AWE at God and His provision not only for my offering, but more especially for this woman. What LOVE I got to witness. God's heart is beyond description... His nature, who He is, is just SO AMAZING. When I finished Roxanne was beaming and Kate was wiping tears from her eyes. You are awesome Father!

"I am so glad you came in here today," Roxanne told us as we were leaving, "just what I needed. Made my day."

"Mine too!!!" Heather and I said in stereo as we left.

What can I say in reflection except... WOW! After we had finished doing everything we had to do Heather and I went down to the ocean to watch as the last light of the day was falling off the end of the world and the sky was sparked with rich blues and oranges and purples. We were running in the waves thinking about the God of the universe that made such things... the same God that gives us the ability to find CONNECTION with others and with Him... the same God that washed away our sins and redeemed us, saving us from ourselves and this world. HE IS SO BIG!

"Trust in the LORD with all your heart [Raindrop] and lean not on your own understanding." Proverbs 3:5

Day 2 - The Vanishing Man

I left the house excited for what my Lenten offering might be today, but totally clueless which way to go or what to look for. After yesterday I knew that thinking I had any control over what it would be was useless... I might go through all the motions just to find out that God had something else in mind.

We didn't get far down the road. Heather was kind of anxious to get to the city to start on a photo birthday project for a friend and we both had that foremost on our mind as we were driving down Hwy 101 to get to Lincoln City. Traffic was moving a bit slowly, common near the construction about 5 miles from our house and so from fairly far off I noticed the silhouette of a human on the side of the road.

As we got closer I could see he wasn't just waiting to cross the road or check out the view... he had a big red wagon next to him filled with odds and ends... the supplies of survival I later realized... and at his side was an enormous white Alaskan husky dog. As we got closer and closer I could see more and more of him. He was heavily dressed for how nice the day was and had a full face of white hair. How much remained on his slightly older head was a mystery under a worn old knit beanie cap. It looked similar to the one fisherman where in the pictures I have seen. On his hands were gloves of a similar material and almost the same color that left the tips of his fingers bare to grip a cardboard sign that read only this: "NEED FOOD".

Something about his request struck me. He stood between two cities, far from any grocery stores or restaurants... nowhere for passer-byes to just run in and grab something if they felt so inclined. His request was so unimposing... so timid. And as we got close enough to see the expression on his face his demeanor matched his request. A quiet desperation. A subtle sadness. Feed him! I knew God was telling me to give this man food. "Thats it, sis!" I said. "I know you are excited to start the photo project, but can we take some time to go into town and grab some groceries to bring them back to that man."

She looked up to see who I was talking about. She saw him. Then she looked over at me to realize how incredibly serious I was and smiled, "Of course."

It took another 5 or 6 minutes to get to town and while we drove I thought about the man and his sign. NEED FOOD. I wondered how many people are brave enough to stand on the side of the road and broadcast their need, and I wondered if that subtle request was an inner cry for something more. A desire for a food that would fill him up forever and never leave his soul and spirit to hunger again. We are all in need of that kind of food. The Bread of Life that we receive directly from Christ. How many people hunger for that?! What if they bore signs across their chest: NEED FOOD? Jesus, what are the signs of a person's need for You? Show me.

And then I thought of myself... there was a time in my life when I stood still on the side of the road to the Kingdom and someone caught the sight of the sign across my heart: NEED FOOD. And Jesus showed me who He was. He fed me through the love and compassion of those He had sent and in our quiet times together, sweet and healing. He feeds me still!

We went to the first store that came up and got a few things... water, granola bars, dog food, a Kit-Kat... why not? I was rushing, ready to get back. The drive back was less congested and we seemed to get to the section of 101 where he was standing extremely quick. Heather saw my face was a little furrowed and I confessed I was a little nervous. "I have no idea what to say or do. I just know that I'm going to get out of the car and hand him this stuff. Not just pass it through the window. I want to talk with him."

She grabbed my hand and prayed. We got to the last bend and I inhaled. I'm all yours God! I will do whatever you ask! I strained to see his form in the distance. Nothing. We got right to the spot and still no man... no dog... no wagon. "We've only been gone like 15 minutes. There is nowhere to go around here! He has to be nearby." We searched all over. We drove up the road and turned around in a small business cove. No man. We looked up every little road, path or turn around we could see nearby. No man. I looked in the bushes even by the spot where he had been standing. No man. He was gone.

I started to cry. I was broken hearted at missing the chance to do what I was so sure God wanted me to do. But I felt Him say I will feed him. Just pray. So I grabbed Heather's hand and prayed for the vanishing man. I prayed for his stomach, that it would be fed and provided for... and I prayed for his heart, that it would be filled with a food that endures forever and never stops miraculously appearing in the desert... the food of LIFE- Jesus.

God told me my offering was done for the day. I had felt Him... felt Him moving, felt Him in this, even amidst the disappointment... DEEPLY felt Him.

Day 1 - Timothy

I woke up today knowing exactly what God wants for me for the next 40 days and excited to begin! I texted with a friend last night who also expressed his excitement and enthusiasm about the season of Lent and something about that realization that others were also entering this season of growth and reflection impacted me. What a powerful time this is in the world! What if EVERYONE participated in Lent? It would be like Christmas prolonged! Think of the outcome it might have! What changed might ensue?!

But as it is, there are thousands upon thousand, probably millions of people that ARE participating in Lent! Not only are all of these people significantly aware of their need for a Savior, but all are willing to reflect on that need and offer up something in return for the provision of that Savior in Jesus Christ.

I don't know! I was just so excited from the moment my eyes popped open. I looked up Ash Wednesday services in Newport at the Catholic Church there and found out they had an evening one that started at 7pm. So for the day Heather and I went to Lincoln City for some much missed time at the beach and some lunch and I thought about my Lenten offering and kept on the look out for a way to complete my first day.

Heather and I stopped at a little pizzeria that I've had my eye on every time we go through town. Pizza is my favorite food and I have been waiting for the perfect opportunity to try out this cute little place I had never tried. The woman smiled big at us from behind the counter and we struck up a conversation about all kinds of things. Mostly we just laughed and talked about our origins and shared little local tips we had discovered in our time here. It was fun! When we left I told her she was a blessing and said God bless and she stopped in her tracks and grinned really big and said, "well, thank you!"

And I was so excited to have finished day one of Lent! I had shared my light and joy with somebody... but God checked me. Not done! Not bad, but not deep enough. This offering for lent is about breaking through the padded walls of comfort I have built around me and sharing not only my smile and joy, but my DEEP.

My offering actually came in the most unexpected of ways. It came over text with a young friend of mine from California named Timothy. And it wasn't just that I touched his life with some profound words of comfort or an answer that the Holy Spirit interjected at an opportune time of need in his life... it was that he touched my life too. We talked about Lent, and about why it made a difference to me and why I was doing it.

I found myself DEEPLY encountering his questions. Was it just something I was doing out of obligation? Why was it important to give God the next forty days in the way I am? Was it an acceptable offering to a Savior that died on the cross for my sins... can we ever really offer anything? What is an offering? Shouldn't we give of ourselves to God daily? What can I give that I shouldn't give daily? These were hard questions to answer. Uncomfortable sometimes. Were there right answers?

Eventually my thoughts led me to this question: why wasn't every day a day of reflection and offering? I think, in my dream of who I could be if I were the very best version of myself, it would be. And everyday, at least in my life the last couple of years, is a day of reflection and offering! But my offerings are selective. My reflections are sometimes only encountered when my best side is facing the mirror and I am sucking in really hard.

I give God my heart and my struggles and my successes and my hopes and dreams and failures everyday... these are things I hand to Him to get by on the daily... But when it is my time or my pleasures at stake I put God a little further off. I don't want to do what He is asking just yet, it is taking from my time to grieve or escape or do what I want to do! And fear is a common dictator of whether I am obedient to His call to do something or talk to somebody too.

So this is a step forward, toward something more. This is a commitment to growth and an attempt to overcome life long fears and comforts and self indulgences, somehow justified by myself until now. It is an agreement to trust utterly and reflect on my life and myself with complete honesty... and to go DEEP everyday even if it stirs up waves in my life or makes me feel things that hurt or realize things that are hard or less than desirable. So, hopefully, at the end of forty days, I will discover what is missing from the other 325 days of my year!

So what started an inquiry of each others days turned into a DEEP journey into my own heart... I felt it! It was deep! And then, day one was complete.

And my last reflection of the night was this... after that conversation with Tim... after I went deep with God and with someone that He had put in my pathway that I wasn't accustomed to going deep with in such a way, it opened me up to do the same with everyone I encountered after. When the Ash Wednesday service had ended Heather and I met a handful of wonderful people that we had really cool and deep conversations with. It was such a delightfully unexpected repercussion of feeling God so deeply!

Ash Wednesday, 2010

Today is Ash Wednesday which ushers in the season of Lent... a 40 day period before Easter, used by Catholics and many Christians today, to draw near to God and reflect on His love and our Savior.

Knowing this time was coming I had been thinking, between the barrage of other things that came up when I first got to Oregon in December, of what God was looking for from me during this season. I have abstained from food in one way or another for the last two years, and wondered if this year should follow that pattern... but I didn't feel convinced that God was calling for further discipline or sacrifice in this area of my life this year.

Last year I was called to blog daily. To give up my frustration at sometimes having nothing to say and discipline myself to try. To sit down and write every day. And it was an awesome 40 days of continued revelation and unexpected overflow of the heart as I made my journey not only through Lent, but into Catholicism. I thought, should I just blog? It didn't feel like it was enough. But Ash Wednesday kept drawing nearer and nearer with no loud and clear direction on what this year would look like.

Late January my sick Nan took a turn for the worst. 10 days later, on February 7th she passed away... and Ash Wednesday passed out of my mind with her... along with many things. I found myself typically retreating from a lot of things to give myself the time i needed or wanted to mourn and grieve how I do... alone. (This time alone with God, unlike past loss... which is another blog entirely. But I checked out so to speak.)

It wasn't until Monday the 15th of February that I thought much about Lent again. I was driving home from a weekend trip to Eureka, California... thanking God for a refilling 3 days of getting to talk and process with a loving friend about so many of the things I had been trying to work through the last month... and I saw a hours posting on a Catholic Church sign for Ash Wednesday services. And without even a moment of question I knew that God wanted me to give up something I have been holding very closely the last month... a little too closely at this point: my retreat.

God is calling me to a season of service. Every day for the next 40, God wants me to get up, get out and reach out to one person or one situation; DEEPLY. I have been doing outreach for the last year so that may not seem like a challenge, but I will have no direction except from God and no pattern or process except God's divine plan. Also, reaching out is hard for me when I am grieved and want so much to be all alone where nobody can see me in my state of struggle.

So what is DEEPLY supposed to mean? I wondered too. I think God kind of answered me. Today I met a sweet woman at a local pizza shop and we talked about Lincoln City and memories of what it used to look like and all kinds of weather. We didn't talk about Jesus, but I shared a smile with her and blessed her when I left. When I was back in the car I thought... day one of lent done! But God stopped me. It wasn't. Day one was still ahead of me.

God told me, this isn't a call to bless along the way... that is for me to do all the time! During this season He wants me to drop everything else for someone... something... everyday. And He wants me WHOLLY involved. Mind, body, heart... I have to feel it. What He is doing: what He is doing through me, what He is doing around me in those moments. Comfortable, easy conversation is NOT an offering for me. I can do that pretty easily without much thought or stretch.

So I am giving God my time, my security of comfort, and my hiding this lent as an offering. Its actually kind of scary... OK! Not kind of, but totally scary. But GOD is bigger than my fear... and stronger than the grip I have on these things.

So I don't know totally what He wants exactly... or what it is supposed to look like specifically every day... but I have a feeling I will find out as I go! Like today.

BEAUTIFUL HANDS

My Nan has the most interesting and incredible hands... even in her old age, bent slightly with arthritis and wrinkled with age... nothing has kept them from being the most beautiful hands I have ever held.

They are the same hands that endlessly stirred the pea soup and pushed down the button for peanut butter toast when I came to visit as a girl... the same hands that wrote beautiful cards with incredible pictures and hysterical rhymes to everyone and for every event throughout her life... these are the same hands that danced with animation as she never grew impatient of my endless curiosities and prods for more stories... the same hands that waved through the air like a conductor when she sang to us... they are the same hands that rubbed my back for hours as a hard to put to sleep child.

They are also the same hands that worked and toiled through the depression... and the hands that held my grandfather's ring after they got married, his heart all through they're life together, and his hand all the way until he traded this place for heaven... those hands held her second love's through the last part of his journey too... those hands have fed hundreds over a life time, and wiped away thousands of tears- no matter their cause, she treated every one with utmost importance and care.

I have watched them closely all my life... with great curiosity, great admiration and great love. Even as she sleeps tonight, as close to death as one can get without passing through it, I cannot help but hold her hand and think how beautiful it is...