Day 17: Do you harbor anything...

Again I found myself in the need for forgiveness. There are times in my life, for one reason or another (one lame excuse or another really), that I judge the thoughts and actions of others. I interpret people's actions and then live by my interpretation, too afraid or insecure to ask the truth.

The problem is that it is impossible not to live in this if you never confront or search further, or just let go without interpretation! I found myself face to face with some of these poor choices and translations, and in need for some serious heart checking.

It was a tedious, but totally freeing day in the reality, the goodness and the unfathomable, undeserved blessing that is God's grace, mercy and FORGIVENESS.

Day 16: After All

I confess, I had no idea what this week would bring, but I knew that it would be a week of surrender and reflection. I thought I might first deal with those things I needed to forgive others for... to live out what Christ had shown us to do. But today was not about others. It was about me. It was about my stubbornness, and my inability to let God have every area of my life.

My broken marriage was something I had given to God, again and again, and had cried a lot of bitter tears over as I gave God all of my loss and pain and regret and broken dreams... but God challenged me further today. I am reading a book from a wonderful friend called Sacred Singleness. A book that discusses the potential in single life for doing the work and the ministry of God. As I read it, and it spoke time and again to girls and woman about surrendering that urge to force a love story and settle for somebody less than God's best, I thought, "No problem! Been there, done that. I don't have that urge at all! Single is where it's at!"

But God asked me if I would surrender my singleness if He sent me His best for me. And honestly, I would not have. I wrote marriage and earthly love stories off after my own ended. I somewhat understood others desire for it, somewhat, but as for me, I was done. One time was enough.

I have been very blessed to experience a life focused and centered on Christ the last few years. A life which I had surrendered for a worldly love at 18. I had chosen a life of fear, control, anger, manipulation, lies, sin... instead of my King. But God saved me still! When the world abandoned me and left me beaten and filthy He was there. He redeemed me when I was way beyond redeemable in my own book of rules for life.

And so today, with much sadness, I realized I didn't trust God to rewrite that part of my life. Even after all He did. I still clung to fear and bitterness...

So, if no person comes along and I get to focus the rest of my life on Christ alone, a right thing as Paul says in 1 Corinthians 7, that will be wonderful. But if He does send someone... if His will for my life is different than my own idea of best... I want to trust Him completely either way!

But I can't do that without His grace and forgiveness. So today I discovered forgiveness unexpected.

Day 15 - Trust God

I have been duped in my life, no doubt. No small amount of promises made to me have been broken. No small amount of lies have been revealed after their issuing, with heartbreaking results. No small amount of times have I been forgotten or misused, intentionally or unintentionally. This world has treated me harshly!! This girl has seen her share of suffering, from a plethora of people... And all of these dupes have taken a toll on me. I mean, it is wrong the things that have happened to me! Hurt and pain incomparable to physical beatings have ravished my soul and spirit over and over. And with each new time I realized that I have to "get wise". I must guard myself even more! I have to do what it takes not to get hurt like that again! I have to figure out how I can see it coming and then stop it! How can I avoid this pain?

Hold up! Why have you not let me take these things?

I tell You about everything, God! You have shown me that these things were wrong. They should never have happened, but that You can take my pain, You can comfort me. You heal me.

But there is more!

Tonight, when I took this week's word before God, and asked Him what He wanted to show me about forgiveness, He showed me I don't trust Him. Ok. I do struggle with trusting Him that is true. I look back at the blogs over the week and think about my hesitations this week and the anxieties I have had about His provision, though He showed up and provided time and time again... even though it didn't look like I thought it should every time.

And then it struck me that maybe I don't trust God because people have broken my trust so many times. Everyone experiences this to some degree, I have always acknowledged, but my life has seen a significant share of severe breaches of trust... from my upbringing, to my friendships, to my marriage.

But then I started to reflect on Jesus' life... and then, more specifically... His death. Jesus was totally betrayed. In fact, over and over again. And here is the significant part, He knew it was coming! My brain took a little bit of time really wrapping itself around that one. Because it didn't keep Him from taking every single step of obedience asked of Him by His Father. All the way to death! And what was the reason for His death? What would He suffer such a death for? The same people that betrayed Him or would... from friends like Peter who denied Him 3 times, to enemies like Saul, before he was Paul... from intentional betrayers like Judas, to unintentional betrayers like Thomas who should have trusted Him. To me.

How could he possibly have done it? Obedience? Yes. His Father said do it, so He did. But also, I think because Jesus was a man of forgiveness... in His life, in His death, and after He rose to live forever with God. He didn't allow a single betrayal to cause Him fear of the next. Betrayal or fear of, had no hold on Jesus. He didn't try to outsmart pain or suffering or keep from being misused or abused. He chose, rather, to forgive.

How many times I have let painful things and betrayal dictate my life. And here am I, at the foot of the cross, with the weight of the realization that I, in my protective, fearful and vengeful heart, have caused not only so many people in my life the same pain or hurt or betrayal that has been laid on me... but I have failed to trust my God!

Yet Proverbs 3:5 tells me to do exactly the opposite. It says: "TRUST in the Lord, with all your heart, and lean NOT on your own understanding." [Bold and caps added for emphasis.]

This isn't just good advice... this is the Word of God. Straight from the inspired writings of the wisest King to ever live. That is how to "get wise"!

I have forgotten that He is the only one that can Love me with an unfailing, unfathomable love... and that even if it doesn't look how I think would be best, He always provides for me exactly as I should be provided for.

I have not given Him full access to my wounds because I did not trust Him with them, or I thought I would not be justified in thinking my betrayers wrong! But how can I stop fearing pain, or avoiding it, trusting in God, if I don't forgive what has pained me? Even if it was wrong!? How can I stop fearing hurt, or avoiding it, trusting in the Lord, if I don't forgive those that have hurt me? Even if they were wrong?! How can I avoid paining and hurting others, if I don't relinquish the hold of pain and hurt in my life!?

I not only needed to ask for God's forgiveness tonight... but ask Him for the strength in grace, to forgive... fully. The full circle of Jesus' sacrifice.

And it strikes me, also, why an intimate relationship with my Savior, daily spending time with God, in His word and in prayer and in worship, is SO important... because I will likely be betrayed again. I will likely feel pain or hurt again. Maybe every single day. So again, I will have to give it to God... over and over and over and over and over and over... times infinity. And if I let it get a hold of me, even briefly, and cause me to stumble, or lose trust, I will have to ask forgiveness again! Over and over and over and over and over... times infinity.

I need to wear this Truth like a chain around my neck... or a giant billboard strung over my shoulders...

Like this dude! For all the world to see!

WEEK THREE'S WORD: FORGIVENESS

I can only imagine what things this week will bring... I have to admit, when God told me the word for this week, I was momentarily overwhelmed with what might lie ahead. But I enter it excited. It is funny... when I stop and think of what Redemption would have meant to me before this Lent, I would have said forgiveness first.

But connection and blessing came first when I inquired of God. Perhaps He wanted me to come to the understanding of our connection to everyone in the world, and the realization that we are called to be a blessing to each one of them, before He started me on this very unexpected path.

I was looking at the ceiling above my bed this evening, thinking about forgiveness when I noticed something about the very poor dry-wall and spackle job in that room. Out at the corners of the room the blemishes were such mysteries... were they gouges? Were they tears? Were they just little marks or huge misplaced globs of spackle? The dim lighting made it so hard to tell. It looked too unapproachable and overwhelming to even think of fixing it.

Right around the light, however, it wasn't so mysterious, though there were blemishes, none the less. The difference was, there were no shadows. In the light they could be seen for what they were and so taken care of accordingly if a willing and patient dry-waller were to come along...

And I realized that my sin is kind of like that. And much of my looming ideas about forgiveness. God is asking me to let my heart shine right under His light this week. And though He doesn't promise it to look blemish free, He will remove all the shadows and with much patience and care, help to fix my horrible attempt to fill the cracks and spackle over my marks in the dark.

And He has something to teach me, I'm sure, as we go.

REDEMPTION brings BLESSING

So what does it mean that through the redemption of our sins by the cross, that Christ also brought blessing?

This is what I learned.

Psalm 32:1-2, "Blessed are they whose transgressions are forgiven, whose sins are covered. Blessed is the man whose sin the Lord will never count against him."

It is such a powerful statement that Paul repeats it again in Romans 4:7-8. Paul then goes on to say, "[Jesus] was delivered over to death for our sins and was raised to life for our justification." Romans 4:25. Romans 5:1-2 reads, "Therefore, since we have been justified through faith, we have peace with God through our Lord, Jesus Christ, through whom we have gained access by faith into this grace in which we now stand..."

We are blessed with forgiveness, our sins covered over! Life!!! Because Paul a little later reminds us, "For the wages of sin is death, but the gift of God is eternal life in Christ Jesus our Lord." Romans 6:23.

And with life through Christ we are also blessed with peace, as the above scripture says, "we have peace with God through our Lord, Jesus Christ." Peace is an extravagant blessing! How often is it that peace is what we long for most in the midst of trouble or stress?

So that is a lot! More than enough, for certain... but it's not all! "Praise be to the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, who has blessed us in the heavenly realms with every spiritual blessing in Christ. For He chose us in Him before the creation of the world to be holy and blameless in His sight. In love He predestined us to be adopted as His sons through Jesus Christ, in accordance with His pleasure and will-- to the praise of His glorious grace, which He has freely given us in the One He loves. In Him we have redemption through His blood, the forgiveness of sins, in accordance with the riches of God's grace that He lavished on us with all wisdom and understanding." Ephesians 1:3-8 [Bold & Italics added by me for emphasis.]

We are blessed with every spiritual blessing! That goes beyond the scope of our imagination... He then says we received the blessing of "His glorious grace," and "all wisdom and understanding". The blessings are beyond measure, y'all.

Christ bestowed on us all of these blessings in His sacrifice... and He calls us to share these spiritual blessings with the world.

Paul says of this, "Be imitators of God, therefore, as dearly loved children, and live a life of love, just as Christ loved us and gave Himself up for us as a fragrant offering and sacrifice to God." Ephesian 5:1-2

Christ Himself says, "Therefore go and make disciples of all nations, baptizing them in the name of the Father and of the Son and of the Holy Spirit, and teaching them to obey everything I have commanded you. And surely I am with you always, to the very end of the age." Matthew 28:19-20

This week was about acknowledging Christ's blessings and gifts and not just taking them and moving on, but using them as He called us all to. There was a song this week, that seemed to continually replay in my head and on my iPod, at the most random times. It is a song by John Waller called The Blessing. And it says it so well:

John Waller - The Blessing

From the album The Blessing

Chorus:

Let it be said of us

While we walked among the living

Let it be said of us

By the ones we leave behind

Let it be said of us

That we lived to be a blessing for life.

Let it be said of us

That we gave to reach the dying

Let it be said of us

By the fruit we leave behind

Let it be said of us

That our legacy is blessing for life.

This day

You set life, You set death right before us,

This day

Every blessing and curse is a choice now

And we will choose to be a blessing for life.

Let it be said of us

That our hearts belonged to Jesus Let it be said of us

That we spoke the words of life

Let it be said of us

That our heritage is blessing for life.

For your Kingdom, for our Children

For the sake of every nation.

So in conclusion, in His unfathomable sacrifice for our redemption, when He took our sins forever, Jesus wrote blessing into our lives!

Day 14 - The Serenity Journal

So today was a bit up-hill. Some days, maybe it is just me, seem to be harder than others when it comes to putting yourself out there for the whole world to see. I was just feeling somewhat invisible. And that's the honest truth! I don't want to have to confess that in this blog, but it is the reality, so I have decided to be completely truthful... and there ya go!

My low self-esteem this morning coincided, quite curiously, with the prominent enlarging of a zit/cold sore/hideous red mark (whatever it is) on my lip. And it seems that, like me in the mirror, it is hard to avoid looking at it when talking or looking at me. It is no small mystery trying to understand how something so tiny can cause such a deep and catastrophic reaction in a woman's life... but it can!

So in town, as I was sitting in my car waiting for Heather to return from gift shopping at Harry & Davids, whining a little bit to God about not wanting to do anything too embarrassing or challenging for my Lenten blessing today, I got a text. It was a quote from a book that a friend is reading. It read, "The world needs your beauty. That is why you are here. Your heart and your beauty are something to be treasured and nourished."

God was reminding me, through the excitement and unknown obedience of this friend, and words He had spoken to another woman years ago to transform a whole world of woman through her book, that I was valuable and loved and cherished and that I had something to offer the world whether I was able to accept it at that moment or not. I mean, whether my face was bombarded with hideous facial blemishes or not.

Forgive me, Lord. Again. Ok. What do yo want me to do?

Get out of the car and go into that Bible book store.

So I relinquished the safety of my brother's black luxury vehicle with heavily tinted windows, and walked into the store. The woman behind the counter, who I had seen just yesterday, waved and gave me the most welcoming smile in the world. Sigh. I waved and said hi and looked around. I have to admit, I have never been an ambler in stores... I may shop and I will probably enjoy it, but I move quick! So I scanned the store from the door and spotted a huge rack of binded books that looked all kinds of interesting. They were diverse colors, and shapes and sizes with different pictures and designs and bling. My heart was happy just walking over to them. I spun the little rack they were in and stopped at one in perticular that just caught my eye. It was a variety of shades of green and white with beautiful, pearly, shining doves flying all over the shimmery front cover. The binding read, "Serenity Journal."

I opened it and saw that the first page was the Serenity prayer that has been popular and used by many for a never ending list of different purposes over a number of years:

God grant me the serenity

to accept the things I cannot change;

courage to change the things I can;

and wisdom to know the difference.

Living one day at a time;

Enjoying one moment at a time;

Accepting hardships as the pathway to peace;

Taking, as He did, this sinful world

as it is, not as I would have it;

Trusting that He will make all things right

if I surrender to His Will;

That I may be reasonably happy in this life

and supremely happy with Him

Forever in the next.

Amen.--Reinhold Niebuhr

Buy this one. And write in it: Love, Jesus.

That's it? What about... I held my hand to my head in thought.

Just: Love, Jesus.

Ok.

I took it to the counter and paid for it and the sweet woman allowed me to use her pen to write the inscription. Her eyes looked up from the page with a question mark in her brow and I looked back equally as confused and shrugged. "I don't really know."

She laughed and handed me my change and went back to marking down sale items in the shop.

When Heather finally came out of Harry and David we got ready to leave. She spotted the journal right away with big, excited eyes! "Wow! That's beautiful! Who's it for?"

"I don't know," I said. "A girl I think."

"Which girl?" She asked a little concerned. "You should ask their parents if its ok first before you give it to her."

I laughed. "I don't think she will be that young," I guessed, "and something tells me she will be all alone."

Heather nodded. She knows I know nothing more than He tells me, and asking questions is pretty much useless. We were turning out of the mall and back onto the street when I saw a young woman, carrying groceries from a nearby store, headed somewhere. "Her!"

I felt the prod. "You're crazy, Ashley! Its a highway, and she is a total stranger and you are just gonna hand her something weird. That's dangerous!" I could have said many of those same things quite possibly had it been her...

"I don't get to choose, Heather! I just obey, Ok! He wants her to have it!" So I turned and went up the Highway to a cross street that she was just coming to. She smiled at us as she rounded the corner. I thought she would cross so I could just talk to her while she passed. "Excuse me," I yelled. She double-looked and hesitated before walking over to us. "Hi."We said. And I handed Heather the journal to hand her, as she was now standing at the passenger side window. I leaned over so I could look in her eyes. "God told me this is for you."

She smiled timidly and through a thick Spanish accent said, "Thank you."

"God bless," we sighed. We had been received well and she had been willing to take it! She didn't have the words to respond further though it seemed she wished she had, so she just held it up and smiled and then continued on her way. At first I wondered if I was supposed to do more... I even confessed to Heather that I wasn't sure. She said, and I think there is truth in her response, "It was purely from Jesus this way. If she knows nothing about us, and we are just two strange messengers, then when she opens the book and reads, 'Love, Jesus', it may have a deeper impact."

I prayed for less awkwardness and more confidence in my obedience, but acknowledge that Christ gives me the strength to do anything that He asks of me, and it is a gesture of His love, so I won't diminish its beauty or His provision by worrying about if I failed or did something wrong. Rather, I am grateful! And I pray that He will entrust me with more next time.

Who knows what God was personally sharing with that woman today... the things beyond my scope? I was seeing only a tiny part of the story! Who knows where she was in her heart or her life, but Jesus? Who knows what she needs, but Jesus? Maybe she was starting something new... maybe she was in a hard place... maybe she didn't speak English well and the first English He wanted her to learn was this prayer... maybe she was questioning her value or her beauty like I had been that day. What unwritten stories, accounts, prayers, hopes dreams, heartaches, were meant to fill the pages of that journal? Would they?!

I don't know! But God does! and it is so cool to be part of His Kingdom and see and be used in the movements that come from the rapidly beating heart of the One that loves us more than we can ever understand!!

Day 13 - Drive by Blessing

Today was hysterical. Heather and I went into Lincoln City and decided to try Gallucci's Pizza. They had this lunch special on 8" personal pan pizzas so we both got one. Both of us had 2 pieces and were stuffed. When we put our pizza away we had an entire pizza and two left over pieces from the second one. We decided we would try to find someone to give our pizza to but went to Starbucks for some coffee first.

When we got to the order station we could already tell who was working by his thick Southern accent. He is an Oregon Coast transplant from Texas. A nice guy that has a never ending stream of niceties issuing from his mouth. Heather calls him an insatiable flirt. We don't know if that is true or if that kind of talk is just hard wired into him from his upbringing, but whichever it is we always have a good time talking to him.

When we rolled up to the window and got our drinks I heard God telling me to give him the pizza. Really? But... "Heather, ask him if he likes pizza."

She looked at me a little funny but finally leaned out the door (our brother's driver side window doesn't roll down so we have to use the door) and asked him if he liked Gallucci's pizza. "Yeah!" He said. "I've heard its a great place to eat."

"Well," Heather said, we have a pizza left over and were wondering if you would like it. If you can take stuff through the window, I mean."

I leaned across the car, "Do you have a break or something soon? You would have something to eat instead of having to go somewhere, or eating nothing!"

"Wow!" He said, "You know, I get off in just a couple of minutes and I can take this home and eat it. Thank you so much."

Heather handed him the pizza, and he said, "Well thanks, sweetheart."

I was in the middle of saying, "God bless," and leaning over to talk with him a little longer but Heather was obviously done. She said, "Bless you," slammed the door in the middle of his response and we were off!

"He was just about to lean out the window and tell us what he thought about God!" I was laughing hysterically.

"If he called me sweetheart one more time I don't know what I was gonna do!!!" And she started laughing.

"Well," I choked out, "I guess today really was a 'drive-by blessing'!"

I pray that the Texan Barista at the Lincoln City Starbucks feels blessed and knows just how much You love him, Father. Thanks for such fun with you!

Day 12 - My Godson

Today's blessing was so much my own!!! I at last got to talk with my wonderful friend Kelly, after over a year. Kelly has been my friend since she was 9 and I was 11. We were instant friends. We have called each other cousins for most of our lives. In fact, we rarely call each other friend at all.

When Kelly got unexpectedly pregnant at 17 we walked through it together. She struggled with the choices she would have to make and the changes and challenges that a child would bring. Heather and I agreed to be with her through every step and even had the most insanely beautiful privilege of being present for his birth. Kelly asked me and my ex-husband if we would be his God parents. Even after we split, Kelly was adamant about her choice of me as God mother, which made me extremely happy.

But it was a role I didn't fully understand until I understood it from the teaching of the Catholic Church. I will never forget when Father Sebastian explained in front of the entire church what it meant to be chosen as a child's God parent. Not only were you supposed to very present in that child's life, but if the mother should be unable or unwilling to lead that child spiritually and keep them in Godly guidance, it was that God parents responsibility to do so! The God parent was responsible for their spiritual guidance and Godly instruction.

I went home and cried afterward and wrote to my God son. I have kept him lifted up in prayer since, but I have only seen him once since then. Which was hard. It is challenging to gather up the courage to talk about these things with Kelly. So today, when his mother called and we got to reconnect after so long and on a deeper level than we had in years, I felt compelled to talk with her about this realization and apologize for not being more present. I gave God my silence and gave Kelly full view of my heart, and God's heart for her and Caleb. To my surprise she said, "And I need help with that. Caleb needs spiritual guidance, Ash. I mean, he isn't even baptized."

So my blessing was a very open, very deep, very loving conversation with this dear friend about God and offering to research and help do what it would take to have Caleb baptized and given a more intentional Christ directed environment.

My heart could explode with gratitude at this answered prayer! I pray for Caleb! That he might know his Savior!

Day 11 - Forgiveness

It was on our way home that Heather and I found ourselves facing a huge, hideous giant! Today's blessing is too personal to account in detail. We were faced with something very painful from our past.

But this is what I learned... Jesus died on the cross, and took our sins away. In doing this, God provided us with forgiveness! This was a gift. It was given to us in a never ending flow of abundance. And from that gift, we are called to bless others with this overflowing provision of forgiveness... even those in our lives that we may not think necessarily deserve it or haven't asked for it.

My Lenten blessing offering was not only forgiveness but an action made possible through grace... fruit from that decision to forgive. More than I thought I had... actually, more than I did have.

Sigh. I am all Your's Jesus. Be my All... take even the things that I don't know how to let go of... replace them with You.

Day 10 - A song for you

Today my Lenten blessing offering was really really late! It wasn't until well after dark, while Heather and I were still driving to Seattle that God told me what it was. I was praying while I sat looking out the passenger window... what do you wanna do today? Go find someone to give something down-town Seattle?? Is it Morgan?? What's on Your heart?

As we were coming into Seattle God told me He wanted to show somebody His intense love for them... somebody that I also know and love... and that He wanted me to give them something very personal and different from the other blessings.

He wanted something given out of what He had already provided in me. He wanted me to sing them a song. A song that the Holy Spirit had given me the words and the tune for a couple years ago...

He had provided the words... He gave me a voice to sing, no matter what it sounds like it can sing and so it should!! He used somebody very amazing to bless me with a guitar, that I just happened to remember to bring... with my tuner!!! Even though it took a while locating! And He even gave me a phone that records more than 30 seconds of sound... actually up to 10 minutes! Which I have never seen on a phone... ever!

I am realizing more and more, how much God provides us with that can be used by Him to bless His beloved. If we are willing to be used... we don't have to have abundance either... He will provide as we go! If we are willing to enjoy His incredible, unmatchable ability to be creative and use ALL things!