Day 14 - The Serenity Journal

So today was a bit up-hill. Some days, maybe it is just me, seem to be harder than others when it comes to putting yourself out there for the whole world to see. I was just feeling somewhat invisible. And that's the honest truth! I don't want to have to confess that in this blog, but it is the reality, so I have decided to be completely truthful... and there ya go!

My low self-esteem this morning coincided, quite curiously, with the prominent enlarging of a zit/cold sore/hideous red mark (whatever it is) on my lip. And it seems that, like me in the mirror, it is hard to avoid looking at it when talking or looking at me. It is no small mystery trying to understand how something so tiny can cause such a deep and catastrophic reaction in a woman's life... but it can!

So in town, as I was sitting in my car waiting for Heather to return from gift shopping at Harry & Davids, whining a little bit to God about not wanting to do anything too embarrassing or challenging for my Lenten blessing today, I got a text. It was a quote from a book that a friend is reading. It read, "The world needs your beauty. That is why you are here. Your heart and your beauty are something to be treasured and nourished."

God was reminding me, through the excitement and unknown obedience of this friend, and words He had spoken to another woman years ago to transform a whole world of woman through her book, that I was valuable and loved and cherished and that I had something to offer the world whether I was able to accept it at that moment or not. I mean, whether my face was bombarded with hideous facial blemishes or not.

Forgive me, Lord. Again. Ok. What do yo want me to do?

Get out of the car and go into that Bible book store.

So I relinquished the safety of my brother's black luxury vehicle with heavily tinted windows, and walked into the store. The woman behind the counter, who I had seen just yesterday, waved and gave me the most welcoming smile in the world. Sigh. I waved and said hi and looked around. I have to admit, I have never been an ambler in stores... I may shop and I will probably enjoy it, but I move quick! So I scanned the store from the door and spotted a huge rack of binded books that looked all kinds of interesting. They were diverse colors, and shapes and sizes with different pictures and designs and bling. My heart was happy just walking over to them. I spun the little rack they were in and stopped at one in perticular that just caught my eye. It was a variety of shades of green and white with beautiful, pearly, shining doves flying all over the shimmery front cover. The binding read, "Serenity Journal."

I opened it and saw that the first page was the Serenity prayer that has been popular and used by many for a never ending list of different purposes over a number of years:

God grant me the serenity

to accept the things I cannot change;

courage to change the things I can;

and wisdom to know the difference.

Living one day at a time;

Enjoying one moment at a time;

Accepting hardships as the pathway to peace;

Taking, as He did, this sinful world

as it is, not as I would have it;

Trusting that He will make all things right

if I surrender to His Will;

That I may be reasonably happy in this life

and supremely happy with Him

Forever in the next.

Amen.--Reinhold Niebuhr

Buy this one. And write in it: Love, Jesus.

That's it? What about... I held my hand to my head in thought.

Just: Love, Jesus.

Ok.

I took it to the counter and paid for it and the sweet woman allowed me to use her pen to write the inscription. Her eyes looked up from the page with a question mark in her brow and I looked back equally as confused and shrugged. "I don't really know."

She laughed and handed me my change and went back to marking down sale items in the shop.

When Heather finally came out of Harry and David we got ready to leave. She spotted the journal right away with big, excited eyes! "Wow! That's beautiful! Who's it for?"

"I don't know," I said. "A girl I think."

"Which girl?" She asked a little concerned. "You should ask their parents if its ok first before you give it to her."

I laughed. "I don't think she will be that young," I guessed, "and something tells me she will be all alone."

Heather nodded. She knows I know nothing more than He tells me, and asking questions is pretty much useless. We were turning out of the mall and back onto the street when I saw a young woman, carrying groceries from a nearby store, headed somewhere. "Her!"

I felt the prod. "You're crazy, Ashley! Its a highway, and she is a total stranger and you are just gonna hand her something weird. That's dangerous!" I could have said many of those same things quite possibly had it been her...

"I don't get to choose, Heather! I just obey, Ok! He wants her to have it!" So I turned and went up the Highway to a cross street that she was just coming to. She smiled at us as she rounded the corner. I thought she would cross so I could just talk to her while she passed. "Excuse me," I yelled. She double-looked and hesitated before walking over to us. "Hi."We said. And I handed Heather the journal to hand her, as she was now standing at the passenger side window. I leaned over so I could look in her eyes. "God told me this is for you."

She smiled timidly and through a thick Spanish accent said, "Thank you."

"God bless," we sighed. We had been received well and she had been willing to take it! She didn't have the words to respond further though it seemed she wished she had, so she just held it up and smiled and then continued on her way. At first I wondered if I was supposed to do more... I even confessed to Heather that I wasn't sure. She said, and I think there is truth in her response, "It was purely from Jesus this way. If she knows nothing about us, and we are just two strange messengers, then when she opens the book and reads, 'Love, Jesus', it may have a deeper impact."

I prayed for less awkwardness and more confidence in my obedience, but acknowledge that Christ gives me the strength to do anything that He asks of me, and it is a gesture of His love, so I won't diminish its beauty or His provision by worrying about if I failed or did something wrong. Rather, I am grateful! And I pray that He will entrust me with more next time.

Who knows what God was personally sharing with that woman today... the things beyond my scope? I was seeing only a tiny part of the story! Who knows where she was in her heart or her life, but Jesus? Who knows what she needs, but Jesus? Maybe she was starting something new... maybe she was in a hard place... maybe she didn't speak English well and the first English He wanted her to learn was this prayer... maybe she was questioning her value or her beauty like I had been that day. What unwritten stories, accounts, prayers, hopes dreams, heartaches, were meant to fill the pages of that journal? Would they?!

I don't know! But God does! and it is so cool to be part of His Kingdom and see and be used in the movements that come from the rapidly beating heart of the One that loves us more than we can ever understand!!