My broken marriage was something I had given to God, again and again, and had cried a lot of bitter tears over as I gave God all of my loss and pain and regret and broken dreams... but God challenged me further today. I am reading a book from a wonderful friend called Sacred Singleness. A book that discusses the potential in single life for doing the work and the ministry of God. As I read it, and it spoke time and again to girls and woman about surrendering that urge to force a love story and settle for somebody less than God's best, I thought, "No problem! Been there, done that. I don't have that urge at all! Single is where it's at!"
But God asked me if I would surrender my singleness if He sent me His best for me. And honestly, I would not have. I wrote marriage and earthly love stories off after my own ended. I somewhat understood others desire for it, somewhat, but as for me, I was done. One time was enough.
I have been very blessed to experience a life focused and centered on Christ the last few years. A life which I had surrendered for a worldly love at 18. I had chosen a life of fear, control, anger, manipulation, lies, sin... instead of my King. But God saved me still! When the world abandoned me and left me beaten and filthy He was there. He redeemed me when I was way beyond redeemable in my own book of rules for life.
And so today, with much sadness, I realized I didn't trust God to rewrite that part of my life. Even after all He did. I still clung to fear and bitterness...
So, if no person comes along and I get to focus the rest of my life on Christ alone, a right thing as Paul says in 1 Corinthians 7, that will be wonderful. But if He does send someone... if His will for my life is different than my own idea of best... I want to trust Him completely either way!
But I can't do that without His grace and forgiveness. So today I discovered forgiveness unexpected.
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