I have been duped in my life, no doubt. No small amount of promises made to me have been broken. No small amount of lies have been revealed after their issuing, with heartbreaking results. No small amount of times have I been forgotten or misused, intentionally or unintentionally. This world has treated me harshly!! This girl has seen her share of suffering, from a plethora of people... And all of these dupes have taken a toll on me. I mean, it is wrong the things that have happened to me! Hurt and pain incomparable to physical beatings have ravished my soul and spirit over and over. And with each new time I realized that I have to "get wise". I must guard myself even more! I have to do what it takes not to get hurt like that again! I have to figure out how I can see it coming and then stop it! How can I avoid this pain?
Hold up! Why have you not let me take these things?
I tell You about everything, God! You have shown me that these things were wrong. They should never have happened, but that You can take my pain, You can comfort me. You heal me.
But there is more!
Tonight, when I took this week's word before God, and asked Him what He wanted to show me about forgiveness, He showed me I don't trust Him. Ok. I do struggle with trusting Him that is true. I look back at the blogs over the week and think about my hesitations this week and the anxieties I have had about His provision, though He showed up and provided time and time again... even though it didn't look like I thought it should every time.
And then it struck me that maybe I don't trust God because people have broken my trust so many times. Everyone experiences this to some degree, I have always acknowledged, but my life has seen a significant share of severe breaches of trust... from my upbringing, to my friendships, to my marriage.
But then I started to reflect on Jesus' life... and then, more specifically... His death. Jesus was totally betrayed. In fact, over and over again. And here is the significant part, He knew it was coming! My brain took a little bit of time really wrapping itself around that one. Because it didn't keep Him from taking every single step of obedience asked of Him by His Father. All the way to death! And what was the reason for His death? What would He suffer such a death for? The same people that betrayed Him or would... from friends like Peter who denied Him 3 times, to enemies like Saul, before he was Paul... from intentional betrayers like Judas, to unintentional betrayers like Thomas who should have trusted Him. To me.
How could he possibly have done it? Obedience? Yes. His Father said do it, so He did. But also, I think because Jesus was a man of forgiveness... in His life, in His death, and after He rose to live forever with God. He didn't allow a single betrayal to cause Him fear of the next. Betrayal or fear of, had no hold on Jesus. He didn't try to outsmart pain or suffering or keep from being misused or abused. He chose, rather, to forgive.
How many times I have let painful things and betrayal dictate my life. And here am I, at the foot of the cross, with the weight of the realization that I, in my protective, fearful and vengeful heart, have caused not only so many people in my life the same pain or hurt or betrayal that has been laid on me... but I have failed to trust my God!
Yet Proverbs 3:5 tells me to do exactly the opposite. It says: "TRUST in the Lord, with all your heart, and lean NOT on your own understanding." [Bold and caps added for emphasis.]
This isn't just good advice... this is the Word of God. Straight from the inspired writings of the wisest King to ever live. That is how to "get wise"!
I have forgotten that He is the only one that can Love me with an unfailing, unfathomable love... and that even if it doesn't look how I think would be best, He always provides for me exactly as I should be provided for.
I have not given Him full access to my wounds because I did not trust Him with them, or I thought I would not be justified in thinking my betrayers wrong! But how can I stop fearing pain, or avoiding it, trusting in God, if I don't forgive what has pained me? Even if it was wrong!? How can I stop fearing hurt, or avoiding it, trusting in the Lord, if I don't forgive those that have hurt me? Even if they were wrong?! How can I avoid paining and hurting others, if I don't relinquish the hold of pain and hurt in my life!?
I not only needed to ask for God's forgiveness tonight... but ask Him for the strength in grace, to forgive... fully. The full circle of Jesus' sacrifice.
And it strikes me, also, why an intimate relationship with my Savior, daily spending time with God, in His word and in prayer and in worship, is SO important... because I will likely be betrayed again. I will likely feel pain or hurt again. Maybe every single day. So again, I will have to give it to God... over and over and over and over and over and over... times infinity. And if I let it get a hold of me, even briefly, and cause me to stumble, or lose trust, I will have to ask forgiveness again! Over and over and over and over and over... times infinity.
I need to wear this Truth like a chain around my neck... or a giant billboard strung over my shoulders...
Like this dude! For all the world to see!
1 comment:
Hi Ash... I was reading some Spurgeon from Morning and Evening and thought of you....
“I am with you alway.”
— Matthew 28:20
It is well there is One who is ever the same, and who is ever with us. It is well there is one stable rock amidst the billows of the sea of life. O my soul, set not thine affections upon rusting, moth-eaten, decaying treasures, but set thine heart upon him who abides for ever faithful to thee. Build not thine house upon the moving quicksands of a deceitful world, but found thy hopes upon this rock, which, amid descending rain and roaring floods, shall stand immovably secure. My soul, I charge thee, lay up thy treasure in the only secure cabinet; store thy jewels where thou canst never lose them. Put thine all in Christ; set all thine affections on his person, all thy hope in his merit, all thy trust in his efficacious blood, all thy joy in his presence, and so thou mayest laugh at loss, and defy destruction. Remember that all the flowers in the world’s garden fade by turns, and the day cometh when nothing will be left but the black, cold earth. Death’s black extinguisher must soon put out thy candle. Oh! how sweet to have sunlight when the candle is gone! The dark flood must soon roll between thee and all thou hast; then wed thine heart to him who will never leave thee; trust thyself with him who will go with thee through the black and surging current of death’s stream, and who will land thee safely on the celestial shore, and make thee sit with him in heavenly places for ever. Go, sorrowing son of affliction, tell thy secrets to the Friend who sticketh closer than a brother. Trust all thy concerns with him who never can be taken from thee, who will never leave thee, and who will never let thee leave him, even “Jesus Christ, the same yesterday, and to-day, and for ever.” “Lo, I am with you alway,” is enough for my soul to live upon, let who will forsake me.
Spurgeon, C. H. (2006). Morning and evening : Daily readings (Complete and unabridged; New modern edition.). Peabody, MA: Hendrickson Publishers.
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