Day 17: Do you harbor anything...

Again I found myself in the need for forgiveness. There are times in my life, for one reason or another (one lame excuse or another really), that I judge the thoughts and actions of others. I interpret people's actions and then live by my interpretation, too afraid or insecure to ask the truth.

The problem is that it is impossible not to live in this if you never confront or search further, or just let go without interpretation! I found myself face to face with some of these poor choices and translations, and in need for some serious heart checking.

It was a tedious, but totally freeing day in the reality, the goodness and the unfathomable, undeserved blessing that is God's grace, mercy and FORGIVENESS.

Day 16: After All

I confess, I had no idea what this week would bring, but I knew that it would be a week of surrender and reflection. I thought I might first deal with those things I needed to forgive others for... to live out what Christ had shown us to do. But today was not about others. It was about me. It was about my stubbornness, and my inability to let God have every area of my life.

My broken marriage was something I had given to God, again and again, and had cried a lot of bitter tears over as I gave God all of my loss and pain and regret and broken dreams... but God challenged me further today. I am reading a book from a wonderful friend called Sacred Singleness. A book that discusses the potential in single life for doing the work and the ministry of God. As I read it, and it spoke time and again to girls and woman about surrendering that urge to force a love story and settle for somebody less than God's best, I thought, "No problem! Been there, done that. I don't have that urge at all! Single is where it's at!"

But God asked me if I would surrender my singleness if He sent me His best for me. And honestly, I would not have. I wrote marriage and earthly love stories off after my own ended. I somewhat understood others desire for it, somewhat, but as for me, I was done. One time was enough.

I have been very blessed to experience a life focused and centered on Christ the last few years. A life which I had surrendered for a worldly love at 18. I had chosen a life of fear, control, anger, manipulation, lies, sin... instead of my King. But God saved me still! When the world abandoned me and left me beaten and filthy He was there. He redeemed me when I was way beyond redeemable in my own book of rules for life.

And so today, with much sadness, I realized I didn't trust God to rewrite that part of my life. Even after all He did. I still clung to fear and bitterness...

So, if no person comes along and I get to focus the rest of my life on Christ alone, a right thing as Paul says in 1 Corinthians 7, that will be wonderful. But if He does send someone... if His will for my life is different than my own idea of best... I want to trust Him completely either way!

But I can't do that without His grace and forgiveness. So today I discovered forgiveness unexpected.

Day 15 - Trust God

I have been duped in my life, no doubt. No small amount of promises made to me have been broken. No small amount of lies have been revealed after their issuing, with heartbreaking results. No small amount of times have I been forgotten or misused, intentionally or unintentionally. This world has treated me harshly!! This girl has seen her share of suffering, from a plethora of people... And all of these dupes have taken a toll on me. I mean, it is wrong the things that have happened to me! Hurt and pain incomparable to physical beatings have ravished my soul and spirit over and over. And with each new time I realized that I have to "get wise". I must guard myself even more! I have to do what it takes not to get hurt like that again! I have to figure out how I can see it coming and then stop it! How can I avoid this pain?

Hold up! Why have you not let me take these things?

I tell You about everything, God! You have shown me that these things were wrong. They should never have happened, but that You can take my pain, You can comfort me. You heal me.

But there is more!

Tonight, when I took this week's word before God, and asked Him what He wanted to show me about forgiveness, He showed me I don't trust Him. Ok. I do struggle with trusting Him that is true. I look back at the blogs over the week and think about my hesitations this week and the anxieties I have had about His provision, though He showed up and provided time and time again... even though it didn't look like I thought it should every time.

And then it struck me that maybe I don't trust God because people have broken my trust so many times. Everyone experiences this to some degree, I have always acknowledged, but my life has seen a significant share of severe breaches of trust... from my upbringing, to my friendships, to my marriage.

But then I started to reflect on Jesus' life... and then, more specifically... His death. Jesus was totally betrayed. In fact, over and over again. And here is the significant part, He knew it was coming! My brain took a little bit of time really wrapping itself around that one. Because it didn't keep Him from taking every single step of obedience asked of Him by His Father. All the way to death! And what was the reason for His death? What would He suffer such a death for? The same people that betrayed Him or would... from friends like Peter who denied Him 3 times, to enemies like Saul, before he was Paul... from intentional betrayers like Judas, to unintentional betrayers like Thomas who should have trusted Him. To me.

How could he possibly have done it? Obedience? Yes. His Father said do it, so He did. But also, I think because Jesus was a man of forgiveness... in His life, in His death, and after He rose to live forever with God. He didn't allow a single betrayal to cause Him fear of the next. Betrayal or fear of, had no hold on Jesus. He didn't try to outsmart pain or suffering or keep from being misused or abused. He chose, rather, to forgive.

How many times I have let painful things and betrayal dictate my life. And here am I, at the foot of the cross, with the weight of the realization that I, in my protective, fearful and vengeful heart, have caused not only so many people in my life the same pain or hurt or betrayal that has been laid on me... but I have failed to trust my God!

Yet Proverbs 3:5 tells me to do exactly the opposite. It says: "TRUST in the Lord, with all your heart, and lean NOT on your own understanding." [Bold and caps added for emphasis.]

This isn't just good advice... this is the Word of God. Straight from the inspired writings of the wisest King to ever live. That is how to "get wise"!

I have forgotten that He is the only one that can Love me with an unfailing, unfathomable love... and that even if it doesn't look how I think would be best, He always provides for me exactly as I should be provided for.

I have not given Him full access to my wounds because I did not trust Him with them, or I thought I would not be justified in thinking my betrayers wrong! But how can I stop fearing pain, or avoiding it, trusting in God, if I don't forgive what has pained me? Even if it was wrong!? How can I stop fearing hurt, or avoiding it, trusting in the Lord, if I don't forgive those that have hurt me? Even if they were wrong?! How can I avoid paining and hurting others, if I don't relinquish the hold of pain and hurt in my life!?

I not only needed to ask for God's forgiveness tonight... but ask Him for the strength in grace, to forgive... fully. The full circle of Jesus' sacrifice.

And it strikes me, also, why an intimate relationship with my Savior, daily spending time with God, in His word and in prayer and in worship, is SO important... because I will likely be betrayed again. I will likely feel pain or hurt again. Maybe every single day. So again, I will have to give it to God... over and over and over and over and over and over... times infinity. And if I let it get a hold of me, even briefly, and cause me to stumble, or lose trust, I will have to ask forgiveness again! Over and over and over and over and over... times infinity.

I need to wear this Truth like a chain around my neck... or a giant billboard strung over my shoulders...

Like this dude! For all the world to see!

WEEK THREE'S WORD: FORGIVENESS

I can only imagine what things this week will bring... I have to admit, when God told me the word for this week, I was momentarily overwhelmed with what might lie ahead. But I enter it excited. It is funny... when I stop and think of what Redemption would have meant to me before this Lent, I would have said forgiveness first.

But connection and blessing came first when I inquired of God. Perhaps He wanted me to come to the understanding of our connection to everyone in the world, and the realization that we are called to be a blessing to each one of them, before He started me on this very unexpected path.

I was looking at the ceiling above my bed this evening, thinking about forgiveness when I noticed something about the very poor dry-wall and spackle job in that room. Out at the corners of the room the blemishes were such mysteries... were they gouges? Were they tears? Were they just little marks or huge misplaced globs of spackle? The dim lighting made it so hard to tell. It looked too unapproachable and overwhelming to even think of fixing it.

Right around the light, however, it wasn't so mysterious, though there were blemishes, none the less. The difference was, there were no shadows. In the light they could be seen for what they were and so taken care of accordingly if a willing and patient dry-waller were to come along...

And I realized that my sin is kind of like that. And much of my looming ideas about forgiveness. God is asking me to let my heart shine right under His light this week. And though He doesn't promise it to look blemish free, He will remove all the shadows and with much patience and care, help to fix my horrible attempt to fill the cracks and spackle over my marks in the dark.

And He has something to teach me, I'm sure, as we go.

REDEMPTION brings BLESSING

So what does it mean that through the redemption of our sins by the cross, that Christ also brought blessing?

This is what I learned.

Psalm 32:1-2, "Blessed are they whose transgressions are forgiven, whose sins are covered. Blessed is the man whose sin the Lord will never count against him."

It is such a powerful statement that Paul repeats it again in Romans 4:7-8. Paul then goes on to say, "[Jesus] was delivered over to death for our sins and was raised to life for our justification." Romans 4:25. Romans 5:1-2 reads, "Therefore, since we have been justified through faith, we have peace with God through our Lord, Jesus Christ, through whom we have gained access by faith into this grace in which we now stand..."

We are blessed with forgiveness, our sins covered over! Life!!! Because Paul a little later reminds us, "For the wages of sin is death, but the gift of God is eternal life in Christ Jesus our Lord." Romans 6:23.

And with life through Christ we are also blessed with peace, as the above scripture says, "we have peace with God through our Lord, Jesus Christ." Peace is an extravagant blessing! How often is it that peace is what we long for most in the midst of trouble or stress?

So that is a lot! More than enough, for certain... but it's not all! "Praise be to the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, who has blessed us in the heavenly realms with every spiritual blessing in Christ. For He chose us in Him before the creation of the world to be holy and blameless in His sight. In love He predestined us to be adopted as His sons through Jesus Christ, in accordance with His pleasure and will-- to the praise of His glorious grace, which He has freely given us in the One He loves. In Him we have redemption through His blood, the forgiveness of sins, in accordance with the riches of God's grace that He lavished on us with all wisdom and understanding." Ephesians 1:3-8 [Bold & Italics added by me for emphasis.]

We are blessed with every spiritual blessing! That goes beyond the scope of our imagination... He then says we received the blessing of "His glorious grace," and "all wisdom and understanding". The blessings are beyond measure, y'all.

Christ bestowed on us all of these blessings in His sacrifice... and He calls us to share these spiritual blessings with the world.

Paul says of this, "Be imitators of God, therefore, as dearly loved children, and live a life of love, just as Christ loved us and gave Himself up for us as a fragrant offering and sacrifice to God." Ephesian 5:1-2

Christ Himself says, "Therefore go and make disciples of all nations, baptizing them in the name of the Father and of the Son and of the Holy Spirit, and teaching them to obey everything I have commanded you. And surely I am with you always, to the very end of the age." Matthew 28:19-20

This week was about acknowledging Christ's blessings and gifts and not just taking them and moving on, but using them as He called us all to. There was a song this week, that seemed to continually replay in my head and on my iPod, at the most random times. It is a song by John Waller called The Blessing. And it says it so well:

John Waller - The Blessing

From the album The Blessing

Chorus:

Let it be said of us

While we walked among the living

Let it be said of us

By the ones we leave behind

Let it be said of us

That we lived to be a blessing for life.

Let it be said of us

That we gave to reach the dying

Let it be said of us

By the fruit we leave behind

Let it be said of us

That our legacy is blessing for life.

This day

You set life, You set death right before us,

This day

Every blessing and curse is a choice now

And we will choose to be a blessing for life.

Let it be said of us

That our hearts belonged to Jesus Let it be said of us

That we spoke the words of life

Let it be said of us

That our heritage is blessing for life.

For your Kingdom, for our Children

For the sake of every nation.

So in conclusion, in His unfathomable sacrifice for our redemption, when He took our sins forever, Jesus wrote blessing into our lives!

Day 14 - The Serenity Journal

So today was a bit up-hill. Some days, maybe it is just me, seem to be harder than others when it comes to putting yourself out there for the whole world to see. I was just feeling somewhat invisible. And that's the honest truth! I don't want to have to confess that in this blog, but it is the reality, so I have decided to be completely truthful... and there ya go!

My low self-esteem this morning coincided, quite curiously, with the prominent enlarging of a zit/cold sore/hideous red mark (whatever it is) on my lip. And it seems that, like me in the mirror, it is hard to avoid looking at it when talking or looking at me. It is no small mystery trying to understand how something so tiny can cause such a deep and catastrophic reaction in a woman's life... but it can!

So in town, as I was sitting in my car waiting for Heather to return from gift shopping at Harry & Davids, whining a little bit to God about not wanting to do anything too embarrassing or challenging for my Lenten blessing today, I got a text. It was a quote from a book that a friend is reading. It read, "The world needs your beauty. That is why you are here. Your heart and your beauty are something to be treasured and nourished."

God was reminding me, through the excitement and unknown obedience of this friend, and words He had spoken to another woman years ago to transform a whole world of woman through her book, that I was valuable and loved and cherished and that I had something to offer the world whether I was able to accept it at that moment or not. I mean, whether my face was bombarded with hideous facial blemishes or not.

Forgive me, Lord. Again. Ok. What do yo want me to do?

Get out of the car and go into that Bible book store.

So I relinquished the safety of my brother's black luxury vehicle with heavily tinted windows, and walked into the store. The woman behind the counter, who I had seen just yesterday, waved and gave me the most welcoming smile in the world. Sigh. I waved and said hi and looked around. I have to admit, I have never been an ambler in stores... I may shop and I will probably enjoy it, but I move quick! So I scanned the store from the door and spotted a huge rack of binded books that looked all kinds of interesting. They were diverse colors, and shapes and sizes with different pictures and designs and bling. My heart was happy just walking over to them. I spun the little rack they were in and stopped at one in perticular that just caught my eye. It was a variety of shades of green and white with beautiful, pearly, shining doves flying all over the shimmery front cover. The binding read, "Serenity Journal."

I opened it and saw that the first page was the Serenity prayer that has been popular and used by many for a never ending list of different purposes over a number of years:

God grant me the serenity

to accept the things I cannot change;

courage to change the things I can;

and wisdom to know the difference.

Living one day at a time;

Enjoying one moment at a time;

Accepting hardships as the pathway to peace;

Taking, as He did, this sinful world

as it is, not as I would have it;

Trusting that He will make all things right

if I surrender to His Will;

That I may be reasonably happy in this life

and supremely happy with Him

Forever in the next.

Amen.--Reinhold Niebuhr

Buy this one. And write in it: Love, Jesus.

That's it? What about... I held my hand to my head in thought.

Just: Love, Jesus.

Ok.

I took it to the counter and paid for it and the sweet woman allowed me to use her pen to write the inscription. Her eyes looked up from the page with a question mark in her brow and I looked back equally as confused and shrugged. "I don't really know."

She laughed and handed me my change and went back to marking down sale items in the shop.

When Heather finally came out of Harry and David we got ready to leave. She spotted the journal right away with big, excited eyes! "Wow! That's beautiful! Who's it for?"

"I don't know," I said. "A girl I think."

"Which girl?" She asked a little concerned. "You should ask their parents if its ok first before you give it to her."

I laughed. "I don't think she will be that young," I guessed, "and something tells me she will be all alone."

Heather nodded. She knows I know nothing more than He tells me, and asking questions is pretty much useless. We were turning out of the mall and back onto the street when I saw a young woman, carrying groceries from a nearby store, headed somewhere. "Her!"

I felt the prod. "You're crazy, Ashley! Its a highway, and she is a total stranger and you are just gonna hand her something weird. That's dangerous!" I could have said many of those same things quite possibly had it been her...

"I don't get to choose, Heather! I just obey, Ok! He wants her to have it!" So I turned and went up the Highway to a cross street that she was just coming to. She smiled at us as she rounded the corner. I thought she would cross so I could just talk to her while she passed. "Excuse me," I yelled. She double-looked and hesitated before walking over to us. "Hi."We said. And I handed Heather the journal to hand her, as she was now standing at the passenger side window. I leaned over so I could look in her eyes. "God told me this is for you."

She smiled timidly and through a thick Spanish accent said, "Thank you."

"God bless," we sighed. We had been received well and she had been willing to take it! She didn't have the words to respond further though it seemed she wished she had, so she just held it up and smiled and then continued on her way. At first I wondered if I was supposed to do more... I even confessed to Heather that I wasn't sure. She said, and I think there is truth in her response, "It was purely from Jesus this way. If she knows nothing about us, and we are just two strange messengers, then when she opens the book and reads, 'Love, Jesus', it may have a deeper impact."

I prayed for less awkwardness and more confidence in my obedience, but acknowledge that Christ gives me the strength to do anything that He asks of me, and it is a gesture of His love, so I won't diminish its beauty or His provision by worrying about if I failed or did something wrong. Rather, I am grateful! And I pray that He will entrust me with more next time.

Who knows what God was personally sharing with that woman today... the things beyond my scope? I was seeing only a tiny part of the story! Who knows where she was in her heart or her life, but Jesus? Who knows what she needs, but Jesus? Maybe she was starting something new... maybe she was in a hard place... maybe she didn't speak English well and the first English He wanted her to learn was this prayer... maybe she was questioning her value or her beauty like I had been that day. What unwritten stories, accounts, prayers, hopes dreams, heartaches, were meant to fill the pages of that journal? Would they?!

I don't know! But God does! and it is so cool to be part of His Kingdom and see and be used in the movements that come from the rapidly beating heart of the One that loves us more than we can ever understand!!

Day 13 - Drive by Blessing

Today was hysterical. Heather and I went into Lincoln City and decided to try Gallucci's Pizza. They had this lunch special on 8" personal pan pizzas so we both got one. Both of us had 2 pieces and were stuffed. When we put our pizza away we had an entire pizza and two left over pieces from the second one. We decided we would try to find someone to give our pizza to but went to Starbucks for some coffee first.

When we got to the order station we could already tell who was working by his thick Southern accent. He is an Oregon Coast transplant from Texas. A nice guy that has a never ending stream of niceties issuing from his mouth. Heather calls him an insatiable flirt. We don't know if that is true or if that kind of talk is just hard wired into him from his upbringing, but whichever it is we always have a good time talking to him.

When we rolled up to the window and got our drinks I heard God telling me to give him the pizza. Really? But... "Heather, ask him if he likes pizza."

She looked at me a little funny but finally leaned out the door (our brother's driver side window doesn't roll down so we have to use the door) and asked him if he liked Gallucci's pizza. "Yeah!" He said. "I've heard its a great place to eat."

"Well," Heather said, we have a pizza left over and were wondering if you would like it. If you can take stuff through the window, I mean."

I leaned across the car, "Do you have a break or something soon? You would have something to eat instead of having to go somewhere, or eating nothing!"

"Wow!" He said, "You know, I get off in just a couple of minutes and I can take this home and eat it. Thank you so much."

Heather handed him the pizza, and he said, "Well thanks, sweetheart."

I was in the middle of saying, "God bless," and leaning over to talk with him a little longer but Heather was obviously done. She said, "Bless you," slammed the door in the middle of his response and we were off!

"He was just about to lean out the window and tell us what he thought about God!" I was laughing hysterically.

"If he called me sweetheart one more time I don't know what I was gonna do!!!" And she started laughing.

"Well," I choked out, "I guess today really was a 'drive-by blessing'!"

I pray that the Texan Barista at the Lincoln City Starbucks feels blessed and knows just how much You love him, Father. Thanks for such fun with you!

Day 12 - My Godson

Today's blessing was so much my own!!! I at last got to talk with my wonderful friend Kelly, after over a year. Kelly has been my friend since she was 9 and I was 11. We were instant friends. We have called each other cousins for most of our lives. In fact, we rarely call each other friend at all.

When Kelly got unexpectedly pregnant at 17 we walked through it together. She struggled with the choices she would have to make and the changes and challenges that a child would bring. Heather and I agreed to be with her through every step and even had the most insanely beautiful privilege of being present for his birth. Kelly asked me and my ex-husband if we would be his God parents. Even after we split, Kelly was adamant about her choice of me as God mother, which made me extremely happy.

But it was a role I didn't fully understand until I understood it from the teaching of the Catholic Church. I will never forget when Father Sebastian explained in front of the entire church what it meant to be chosen as a child's God parent. Not only were you supposed to very present in that child's life, but if the mother should be unable or unwilling to lead that child spiritually and keep them in Godly guidance, it was that God parents responsibility to do so! The God parent was responsible for their spiritual guidance and Godly instruction.

I went home and cried afterward and wrote to my God son. I have kept him lifted up in prayer since, but I have only seen him once since then. Which was hard. It is challenging to gather up the courage to talk about these things with Kelly. So today, when his mother called and we got to reconnect after so long and on a deeper level than we had in years, I felt compelled to talk with her about this realization and apologize for not being more present. I gave God my silence and gave Kelly full view of my heart, and God's heart for her and Caleb. To my surprise she said, "And I need help with that. Caleb needs spiritual guidance, Ash. I mean, he isn't even baptized."

So my blessing was a very open, very deep, very loving conversation with this dear friend about God and offering to research and help do what it would take to have Caleb baptized and given a more intentional Christ directed environment.

My heart could explode with gratitude at this answered prayer! I pray for Caleb! That he might know his Savior!

Day 11 - Forgiveness

It was on our way home that Heather and I found ourselves facing a huge, hideous giant! Today's blessing is too personal to account in detail. We were faced with something very painful from our past.

But this is what I learned... Jesus died on the cross, and took our sins away. In doing this, God provided us with forgiveness! This was a gift. It was given to us in a never ending flow of abundance. And from that gift, we are called to bless others with this overflowing provision of forgiveness... even those in our lives that we may not think necessarily deserve it or haven't asked for it.

My Lenten blessing offering was not only forgiveness but an action made possible through grace... fruit from that decision to forgive. More than I thought I had... actually, more than I did have.

Sigh. I am all Your's Jesus. Be my All... take even the things that I don't know how to let go of... replace them with You.

Day 10 - A song for you

Today my Lenten blessing offering was really really late! It wasn't until well after dark, while Heather and I were still driving to Seattle that God told me what it was. I was praying while I sat looking out the passenger window... what do you wanna do today? Go find someone to give something down-town Seattle?? Is it Morgan?? What's on Your heart?

As we were coming into Seattle God told me He wanted to show somebody His intense love for them... somebody that I also know and love... and that He wanted me to give them something very personal and different from the other blessings.

He wanted something given out of what He had already provided in me. He wanted me to sing them a song. A song that the Holy Spirit had given me the words and the tune for a couple years ago...

He had provided the words... He gave me a voice to sing, no matter what it sounds like it can sing and so it should!! He used somebody very amazing to bless me with a guitar, that I just happened to remember to bring... with my tuner!!! Even though it took a while locating! And He even gave me a phone that records more than 30 seconds of sound... actually up to 10 minutes! Which I have never seen on a phone... ever!

I am realizing more and more, how much God provides us with that can be used by Him to bless His beloved. If we are willing to be used... we don't have to have abundance either... He will provide as we go! If we are willing to enjoy His incredible, unmatchable ability to be creative and use ALL things!

Day 9: Paul

We left late today, as I wanted to finish all the blogs that I had started and not finished. We had to be at Atonement Lutheran Church for Randy's Feed and Read at 5 o'clock and it was 2:30pm. Heather still had to get her driver's licence renewed and I wanted to pick up some post cards, so we were kind of rushing, and I confess I wasn't thinking much about my Lenten blessing for the day.

However, as we got into Depoe Bay we saw a man on a bike with a little weathered terrier and a cart that read "Need Food". Seeing his cart flew me so instantly into flash backs of the vanishing man from the 2nd day of Lent that I suddenly remembered the food that still sat on the floor, in the back from that day, forgotten until this moment. WOAH!

I checked to see if it was the same man, but it wasn't. How amazing! So many parallels!

I threw up my hands, "Sis! That's it! God has already supplied the food!" And I parked.

We grabbed the food and the dog food and jumped out of the car. The man was talking to somebody in a vehicle that had pulled up and we waited to hand him the food. He turned to us, extremely energetic, annoyed that his dog was barking, and said, "Oh she won't eat that stuff, but I'll take the food."

We both stepped back. Then I stepped forward again and handed him the bags of food. He took them and tucked them into the wagon and turned to talk with us. And then he never did stop after that. I think even when we left he was still talking to us. He was funny! Angry, but he had a lot of funny stories to tell. I asked him how he ended up on a bike in the cold and he told me his whole recent history. He was on his way down from Alaska in a lawn mower and got hit by a car. After that he got another bike which also was destroyed when he was hit by a second car. Finally he had purchased this bike somewhere in Northern Oregon.

He laughed but with extreme bitterness. He was angry. Extremely. He asked us, "So, are you real religious people then."

"We are Christians, if that's what you mean."

"Well I ain't savable! Sorry! God's done too many **** things to me, excuse my French."

I wish I had told him that we weren't there to save him, only to feed him, and that the saving was up to God, but I couldn't think of anything to say. I was dead in the middle of an extremely unexpected turn of events.

When I did finally catch my balance I just asked him questions and we talked for probably 30 minutes with him. We found out that his name was Paul. I thought, "What a great name." Finally we made our exit and he said, "Sorry you couldn't save me. But I'm just not savable."

What do you say to that? Argue with him? I don't know!

I finally just turned to him and said what came to my mind. "Paul... are you lovable?"

"Oh boy, you shoulda met this girl..."

"Not like that, Paul. That isn't what I'm asking. Are you a lovable person. Can you be loved?"

"Well yeah! Everybody loves me. I'm a lovable guy."

"Well, then, you are savable!"

Just then somebody came and handed Paul a twenty dollar bill and we left. God was diligently after this man! Blessings were coming from every side.

As we were driving off and I was thinking, "perhaps we were only supposed to hand him the food and bless him anonymously," the realization of his link to Paul of the Bible struck me. We prayed for him. We prayed that, just as Saul, a stubborn, angry man against God had met Jesus on the road, that Paul would encounter his Savior in such an astounding way that he would be turned and claimed for the Kingdom.

Thank you for providing yet again... make me better at that. Teach me to walk more in your guidance and will, God, through your Holy Spirit, and not just my own zealousness. For then I can't be knocked off balance. Thanks for being God, and saving me again and again and again.

Day 8: Ninja for Jesus

My parents live on this little road that doesn't go very far in any direction. There are about 7 or 8 houses in the entire little area and it is one of those rare cases where almost everyone knows each other. Some of them we simply know names and wave a greeting on the way to the mail box, but a few actually stop by or interact with each other on a somewhat regular basis.

When our Nan was dying the neighbors directly across from us, a sweet older couple, would come by every day or two and asked us if they could do anything. The husband, Jim, will come over and feed Charlie for my parents at times when my parents can't make it. And when Nan was still alive, they would come and check on her when my parents were away more than a few hours.

Today, as we were leaving the house, Jim was outside and we decided to return a bread plate that he and his wife, Suzanne had brought us some treats on. We got to talking about everything... he told us old war stories, about what he did with his retirement, how he and his wife met, his hobbies. He took us to see his glass shop where he has a ton of broken glass that he melts down in a kiln and makes pendants and other neat things with. He also crafts beautiful wind chimes out of glass, wood and bits of sea shore treasures that he picks up on frequent excursions to the beach.

He agreed to let us to come over and work in his shop and use some of his clay and the kiln if we agree to let him sell our creations if they turn out to be anything so genius! We are excited to play, and excited to get the chance to talk with Jim more. Jim is an old Vietnam veteran that has lost a wife and seen quite a bit of heart ache, and Suzanne has cared for the sick and dying for years. Both carry their share of pain and hurt, with a need for a place to put it.

God laid it on my heart to bless them... they were to be my Lenten blessing offering. But How? I don't have anything to give them. Especially after all they have done for us.

Take them flowers.

We didn't have the money to buy flowers so we decided we would have to pick them. I forgot that this is Oregon, and its winter... few flowers have what it takes to bloom this time of year! So, we drove around for an hour and a half looking for flowers that weren't on somebody's property. We didn't want to break the Ten Commandments whilst blessing someone. Personal rule.

Finally we found four yellow flowers on the side of a back road and had to climb a few puddles to pick them. Then we decided to try an old swimming spot that we remembered being full of blooming flowers whenever we went. When we got there we couldn't see any and almost left, but I felt compelled to get out of the car and look. I walked past the path into a small grass plot and rounded a few trees. Hidden behind the trees was a bush as tall as me, filled with the most beautiful and obviously resilient white flowers. I picked three of them and put them with the others.

By the end of the journey we had a beautiful bouquet of flowers to give them that we tied with a yellow string and topped with a small paragraph about God's beautiful garden of life, written in pink on a 5x7 blank white index card. We also gave them a little picture of the ocean with, "You are a blessing!" written on the back.

Everything we gave was supplied by God's provision. Every flower was a divine creation placed in just the right soil to grow no matter the environmental obstacles... beautiful representations of His intricate and elaborate artistry. And He designated each one of them for those that He loved!

The flowers were not from us... we were simply the messengers sent at such a time as this... so we wanted to leave them to be found the next morning. They are late nighters, however and so we had to go just before our bedtime, in the cover of the night, like ninjas! We stealthily made our way across the street, avoiding any automatic lights that would give away our presence, and put them on the trunk of Suzanne's car under the car port. They would be in plain view when they came out the side door, which they used most often.

We weren't so ninja on the return however, as we were laughing hysterically as we ran, full sprint, across the gravel street and back into our own house.

Fun! Thank you for letting me be a part of it!

The next day I was looking at pictures that Heather had taken of their backyard while Jim and I talked and realized that they loved gardens and flowers. There was even a plaque that read, "The kiss of the sun for pardon, the song of the birds for mirth, one is nearer God's heart in a garden, than anywhere else on earth." How fitting that He would then speak to them through such an offering!

WEEK TWO'S WORD: BLESSING

The fast has changed slightly... this week I am to bless someone unexpectedly that God chooses in the way that He chooses. At first I thought, "Yes!! Got this"... then I remembered, I have nothing to bless from. I do not have an abundance of resources, money or anything else at this time in my life. What will I give? And I am in a community of mostly strangers. Who will I bless?

So... whatever I am to offer to another, has to first come from God so that I may give it! Whoever I am to bless through the provision and love of God, He must first put in my path.

How does redemption bring blessing, Father? Show me fully!! Teach me. Help me to trust you completely this week!

I love you... I'm ready.

Week 2, REDEMPTION brings BLESSING, begins!

REDEMPTION brings CONNECTION

My fast started off with a word... CONNECTION. When Jesus died on the cross for our sins He did a lot of things... I wanted to know more about these things. And so He has been teaching me.

As I embarked on this 40 day pilgrimage into the full understanding of just what Jesus wrote into my life when He blotted out my transgressions, I agreed that I would allow God to take me wherever He chose... and guide me in any way.

So why was connection the word for my first week? What did it have to do with me? (the rock)

The word connection, for starters, has many implications. It implies things that are joined... in life many things have connections... and the further I go through it, I struggle to find anything that doesn't have some kind of connection. Thoughts, ideas, lives, people, nature, God. All connected somehow.

So what was the connection that I had through the cross?

God showed me all week that I was connected to Him! I was part of His Kingdom... His family!! I am a part of Christ because of His sacrifice. It is because I am connected to Him that I can do anything!

"I am the vine; you are the branches (connected). If a man remains in me and I in him, he will bear much fruit; apart (disconnected) from me you can do nothing. (Check this out!) If anyone does NOT remain in me, he is like a branch that is thrown away and withers; such branches are picked up, thrown into the fire and burned. If you remain in me and my words remain in you, ask whatever you wish, and it will be given you. This is to my Father's glory, that you bear much fruit, showing yourselves to be my disciples." John 15:5-8 [My additions for emphasis in parentheses or caps.]

Can I just say "!!!!!!!!!!!!!".

Ok so... connected is not just a gift but a REQUIREMENT! He binds us so closely to Himself in His sacrifice that would bring us redemption, that we actually must remain connected to Him. And if we do... "[you] will bear much fruit," and you may, "ask whatever you wish, and it will be given you."

We have all known those unanswered prayers in our lives. Why does Christ say this then? Because when we are that connected, so in tune with our Savior and our Maker, the Holy Spirit will direct us what to ask! When we are completely connected with Jesus, we want what He wants for our lives... we desire His desires. This week I felt most connected to my God and Savior when I was trusting Him and asking and believing in Him to supply the Sun and the Water and the Miracle Grow that would make my branch able to bear the fruit I would offer Him up that day.

Then Jesus reveals something else that will come of His death and through the power of His resurrection in His prayer on the Gethsemane. "My prayer is not for them alone. I pray also for those who will believe in me through their message, that all of them may be one, Father, just as you are in me and I am in you. May they also be in us so that the world may believe that you have sent me. I have given them the glory that you gave me, that they may be one as we are one; I in them and You in Me. May they be brought to complete unity to let the world know that you sent me and have loved them even as you have loved me." John17:20-23 [Italics added for emphasis.]

So not only are we a part of God and a branch from the vine of Jesus, but Christ also unites us all to each other! That we would all be ONE! With Him and the Father! And for what purpose? Why does He connect us all to each other, to Himself, to the Father? "...to let the world know that you sent me and have LOVED them, even as you have LOVED ME!"

"The body is a unit, though it is made up of many parts; and though all its parts are many, they form one body. So it is with Christ." 1 Corinthians 12:12

"...God has combined the members of the body and has given greater honor to the parts that lacked it, so that there should be no division in the body, but that its parts should have equal concern for each other. If one part suffers, every part suffers with it; if one part is honored, every part rejoices with it." 1 Corinthians 12:24-26 [Italics added for emphasis.]

All believers are connected in one body! And totally undivided! No break in the connection. All parts of that body are equally as valuable and necessary to the whole.

I had a recurring thought this week that brought me much peace and thankfulness. When I am walking through something, because God has made us all one body that cares for each other and feels what each other feels, God has given us the ability to reach out to one another and pray for one another. So many times this week, and throughout the last month of my life, and the last couple years of my life for that matter, I have been blessed with the realization that the connected body of Christ rejoices with me when I rejoice and hurts with me when I hurt and lifts me up to the Great Healer, Jesus Christ. And I too am blessed with the same connection to their lives. Through Christ I am blessed with a whole new family... brothers, sisters, mothers, fathers that show me the fullness of those relationships through Jesus Himself.

But there is a connection beyond just believers. The connection described when Jesus says that He wants the whole world to know that they are loved by the Father!

As I was processing connection with Julie one night. I was trying desperately to describe this feeling I kept getting when I was walking fully in the confidence that comes from trusting God. "It's like everybody is instant family. There are no formalities. You see people differently... not so scary. You see yourself differently with them. I can't explain it." She thought of something from a TV show about a group of people on a plane that hardly interact with each other or talk or care about one another. Then, the unthinkable occurs, a disaster of some sort, and suddenly this group of people is banding together, worrying for strangers, caring for one another. It took some sort of crisis to get these people to come together.

And it hit me! That is the feeling that comes over me. The realization that there is something more important than possible rejection or hurt from a wounded world of people... we are all in the midst of the same crisis! We are self destructive! And we are ALL in need of a Savior! Without Christ we are doomed. Like the vine that isn't connected will be cast aside and burned! That suddenly becomes clear to me when I am trusting in God. His heart is more important than mine. Mine worries about me. His worries about being separated from His children.

We are all connected by God's heart, that beats wildly with unexplainable LOVE and COMPASSION for every single person.

Day 7 - Tracy & Ramona

Tracy, bless his heart, caught me extremely off guard this morning when he showed up at our parents home at 8:30. I am not much of a morning person, so even though I was able to be civil, I was hardly coherent. When I first saw this man's silhouette in the door it almost terrified me. He is an extremely tall man with a full beard and mustache. I didn't know anybody by that description!

When I opened the door I was surprised to recognize him though and felt more at ease. Tracy had come 2 weeks before, wanting to test the air ducts and vents in our house for leaks and reduce our monthly electric bill. My parents had scheduled this inspection with his company weeks before. We had to send him away however, as it was nearing the end of our beloved Nan's journey to Heaven. He was very sweet and left us a card to call and set up a new appointment. I learned today just how far he had to drive to be turned away from that appointment and it was very merciful of him not to charge us for the gas anyway.

My mom rescheduled the inspection for 8:30 on this very 7th day of Lent, without whispering a word of it to me, so Tracy and I were both surprised this morning; me to see him at all, and him to be yet again unanticipated. I let him in to meet my giant dog who allowed Tracy to pet him but only if he could growl at every motion... even protecting can't get in the way of a good pat. While he set up all his crazy looking equipment, I went back in the bedroom to explain to Heather about our guest and put on a real outfit instead of my very frantically puzzled together collection of different clothing articles littered between the bed and the front door.

For about an hour I fought the dizziness of my antibiotics and the nausea that comes on strong in the morning and fades a little as I wake up. I tried to lay back down at one point but the pounding sound of Tracy walking through the house and the clanking of the vents as he worked were not allowing me to drift off. We sparked up some small conversation with Tracy between rooms and learned that he was a grad student planning to go into the peace corps soon with his wife. His job doesn't keep him in one place long so I gave up trying to talk to him on the run and sat down at my computer in the living room. Is he my fast? I asked for the first time.

I had no idea. I couldn't seem to break through formalities with him and he was in and out so much I couldn't see when I would get a chance to talk with him, if I did at all. If so God, make a way... open a door.

I decided to wait for him to finish with his work. He said he would be under the house until about 12:30... it was 11:00. I checked my e-mail, my facebook, my twitter... I was bored. Then God just kind of nudged me... Have you thought about the person under your house? You have a lot of time and nothing really to do.

I had not really. I thought wow, there is a person here and what I knew of him was that he, and his wife, had big hearts, wanted to change the world and would soon go into a difficult assignment helping the people of a third world country. I didn't know if they were saved. My conclusion from the things he had told me so far was, probably not. And it struck me that I had an hour and a half to just pour prayers over him while he worked. To pray for his family, his life, his heart, his wife, his job, his education, his time in the peace corps... anything and everything God laid on my heart to pray. I had never done that before. I had never thought to do that before. Not to that extent.

So I prayed. And when he came back upstairs I wanted to know more about him suddenly. I was more interested. Eager to know more and to share Jesus -in whatever capacity I could- with him. So I waited until he was getting ready to leave and started to ask him questions. Questions about his school, his life, his dreams... an avalanche of questions I'm sure it seemed. But he shared with me his heart for people and to be part of something he could change and make better. He expressed concerns about the Peace Corps but was glad for the opportunity to try to improve it from the inside out. Heather and I got to share our own heart for missions and ministry overseas.

He listened intently. Asked questions even! I got to share almost my entire testimony with him and how I had come to Christ and was doing Lent. Afterward he confessed, he wasn't a Christian and he actually had problems, even intense anger in some cases, toward religious ministries in other countries. He had heard of many abuses of power and resources and information in his studies and in his experiences. He told us a saying from an African tribe... "When the white men came they had their bibles and we had our land. They taught us to pray with our eyes closed. When we opened them we had their bibles and they had our land."

Though shall not steal, I thought. "Not all people who come in the name of Christianity remember that we are called to love above all."

We got to share with him a movement of Christ-centered ministries that were doing more than telling people how to live, but also meeting their needs. We got to share with him that not every religious based group was honoring Christ's call to love their neighbor but that there were ministries that were inside that were working with people and as advocates for those who were vulnerable to being taken advantage of. We got to share with him Christ who came to save the world, NOT a false representation of a prophet that came to condemn it... a Christ who's commission to us was to first Love God and then Love our neighbors.

I kept thinking, he is going to get up and walk out of here. But he didn't. He stayed and listened to us and spoke with us long after his work was done. That conversation made me realize the false representation of Christ and Christians not only in the world and overseas ministries, but in the education system! It made me realize that God can make Himself known anytime, anywhere... even in a somewhat repaired, semi drafty living room, in a conversation with a zealous girl, who is learning not to let her fears get in the way of all that Christ wants to do in her and through her, even if she feels less than adequate.

Its not me God! Its You!!! It is You!!! I get it! I got it! Thank You!

I gave him my e-mail at the end of our conversation and told him to please write if he needed

anything or was looking for support or had any prayer requests. "Thanks," he said with a grin, "and I will let you know if I see any openings for ministry opportunities around."

It was a seed.

One of the coolest realizations was that God was planning the fulfillment of my Lenten offering weeks before I even knew I was going to do it! While my nan was still on earth my mom, who would never make an appointment for earlier than noon, was making an 8:30am appointment for a time when she would not even be here. He knew, before I even had a stomach infection, that I would be on an antibiotic that would knock me out like this one has. He knew before I started taking the antibiotic, that I wouldn't be able to go out to do my fast, so He brought it right to my living room air vent! I could explode with the indwelling of love and provision and care and joy that Christ has brought into His home... my heart! That he has been cultivating there until it has begun to grow out of the cracks and windows and doors in an overflow of living, moving, breathing LIFE!

He has a the most AMAZING way of orchestrating the symphony of our lives!

Day 6 - The Woman With the Story

Apparently, one of the side effects of the antibiotics I am on is extreme dizziness and wooziness. I woke up today extremely tired and struggling to wake myself. When I stepped out of bed I side-stepped a little before I found my balance. Finally I roused myself, checked my e-mail, did my stuff, woke my sister and got Charlie the dog, ready to go into town and get bathed.

I drove, which is a horrible truth I care not reflect on except to thank God for His protection. Heather and I washed Charlie, poor guy, and got him a hamburger for putting up with our strange need to have a clean and good smelling dog. Something beyond his understanding. We had a few stops to make along the way but I suddenly didn't feel much like making them. As we got close to the house even Heather was concerned about how I looked. She said, "You ok? You look kind of sad."

I said, "Actually I just feel really awful."

So we went straight home and I sat down and thought... now how am I going to do my Lenten fast like this? I was almost drunk with dizziness. I sat for a while until the room stopped spinning as much. Then I checked my texts and saw that my mailbox was 98% full. As I was scanning over my messages, making room for future texts I came across one I had sent myself a few days ago. I had saved it until later because it was the email of a woman Heather and I had met last Thursday.

After a very awesome Thursday we had decided to drive up to the next town beyond Newport on Hwy 101. There was a beach there and when we got to town the sun was just setting and we stopped to take pictures and walk along the bay that the city is built on. While we were there a woman came down from a house with her giant, adorable dog. The dog, as if we were old friends, came barreling up to me, almost knocking me over in her excitement to greet me. The woman came with a slightly apologetic looking face behind but when she saw my giant smile she relaxed.

We talked for a while and watched the sun set together. She told Heather and I a little about her life and we shared a little about ours. Her and Heather talked for a while whilst her dog and dug in the sand and cuddled for a little while. Before the sun had completely set she had to go and I asked her for her email so that I could send the pictures we had taken of her puppy to her. I text it to myself.

So today as I ran across it again I thought, I should send those pictures. And tell her how many times she has crossed your mind in the last 3 days. God opened the door for me to share deeply of Himself with someone, even in the midst of my bad reaction to this medication. When I thought despairingly that I would have to ask God to forgive me for not being able to do the fast today, He opened a totally new and unexpected window of reaching out. I could rest when my head hurt and take as much time as I needed to write the e-mail. Something I could not have done in person.

I wrote to her and asked God to orchestrate my fingers as I typed. The Holy Spirit led me to share some of my testimony with her and tell her that I had been praying for her. He also prompted me to ask about her and to hear more about her life, which I had truly wanted to when she had to go a few nights before. Everyone has a story. A wonderful story that is their story... and God wired me with a love to hear them.

Later a friend asked me, was it easier to e-mail or would it have been easier to say everything in person? I thought for a minute. I had thought e-mail would have been easier. No rejection. No awkwardness. But I have learned in the last 5 days that rejection and awkwardness are almost never directed at right at me and almost never really get in the way of what God is trying to do. In person I could have seen her face. I could have prayed with her. She would have responded so I would know how much I could share and how much was too much. And something I realized later, that e-mail is written... so it had to be done just right. Words in conversation can be forgotten or heard by the listener just how they need to be... but words in an e-mail can be read and reviewed. I prayed much while I wrote it and after I sent it... that it would be received well and that it would have the right impact. Now I have to wait for a response.

But what was the same was that I had to put my fears and inhibitions aside and go as deep as God was asking. It still took all of Him and none of me... I would not have been able share that much were it not for God's strength and grace. It was the first e-mail of that depth and infiltrated with that much feeling that I have ever written to a complete stranger. It stretched me to say the least! Especially when I reread it and then had to ask God for the strength to actually click the "send" button!

So what I learned today is that even when I thought I was useless, and failed to trust my God again... He reassured me and made a way. God is NOT the God of second chances, as I have heard it told... He is the God of seemingly endless chances.

Will I ever not need them?? How I wish that could be my offering!

Thank you, Lord. Forgive me again for failing to trust in your provision and let tomorrow be a brand new day! I love you.

Day 5 - Heather

surprised me the most. At the end of every day of Lent so far I have said, I'm not sure He can top that! I have seen such incredible movements of God's heart and found Him waiting in the most unexpected of places... and never, once, have I expected what I would find. Today was no exception.

I woke with the feeling of the impending fast. That feeling I can't describe. I was in my parent's home, on a Sunday, nobody home but me, my twin sister Heather and Charlie the giant dog. Really?! Who? Like a lost traveler looking for directions? I wouldn't put it past Him! I was beginning to realize it would never be expected. So I already knew it wouldn't be a lost traveler and decided to stop thinking about it.

We had missed going back to the Lutheran Church this morning. We had wanted to go to 11 o'clock mass but both overslept and decided not to rush it. We were contemplating what to do today and which way to drive while we were very slowly getting ready. I decided to sit down and finish my blog for the day before, as I usually start it the night it happened and finish it the next day. I got one sentence into it when Heather, as she often does (I say that with much love), interrupted my processing with a story about a dream she had last night. I can't write and listen fully at the same time so I had to make a choice... stop and listen or ask her to hold the thought until I was done. Sometimes I do the latter but today, I felt like I needed to listen.

She told me her dream... nightmare really. She was trapped by people that were familiar but unfamiliar and by sin itself. She felt forced into sin and unable to talk her way out of it even though she knew Christ was real and He was telling her to just walk away... to tell her enslavers that she had found a New Life and go. But she knew they wouldn't listen so she tried to scheme a way to escape and be with Christ. Almost like a waiting lover and not an all powerful rescuer.

I asked her some question and had some ideas and we talked back and forth... as we talked you could visibly see realizations coming to her about some recent and some very past experiences... but what was different about today is that she was willing to pull them out and examine them. Heather can sometimes, like us all when something extremely painful comes to the surface, push things back and pretend they don't bother her. But today she began to cry and let things out. She wasn't just crying she was weeping. I had a brief moment of panic. I knew, eventually, she would have to do this in her life, and that it was something she desperately needed to do, but I didn't expect to be present or more especially the only human present.

What do I do?

I got up and gave her a big hug. Like a mama Di or Bonnie, or a big sister Julie hug. But I have hugged Heather a lot of times, and it wasn't enough. Pray for her.

I don't want to.

Why?

I don't want to mess this up. I'm good at that with her.

Pray for her anyway. Trust Me.

But the music. I don't want to pray super loud over it.

Turn it off then.

Awkward... Funny the silly excuses we try to use on God.

Not really. Pray for her.

Fine!

I reached over and turned the music off and just started to pray. God talked to her about forgiveness and healing and Love and so many things...

Afterward we had one of the most honest conversations her and I have ever had, and we cried and got to heal together! Grow together. We talked a lot about love. And how it looked to us and how it was really supposed to look according to the Word of God. Finally she got up and said, "I need to go forgive some people." And she went off in the other room with her journal and a pen.

I sat back in my chair. I knew it was my offering. Woah. Felt that... DEEP. I took a huge breath. Ok, Papa. Never saw that coming! Not in a million years!

I'm pretty sure He just smiled.

My good friend (well big sister really) Julie called right afterward... we had been talking before and my dad called so I had to go and then when I called her back a friend of hers had called... so this whole thing happened in between our conversation.

I told her about my Lenten offering for the day and she helped me process it, since Heather had been the one I was processing these experiences with directly after. The question of my own thoughts about love came up... I realized love looked different to me than the Word of God... it looked conditional in a way. Or twisted. Like it was something that came in doses depending on behavior and performance. It was always there, administered everyday, but it looked a whole lot different depending on how well I did or how pleasing I was. It was a lot to take in, and hard to admit I still had not realized these things fully.

This is what I did realize today... "God is the same, yesterday, today and forever!" Right?! Scripture says so. And "God is Love." Again, scripture says so! So... if God is love and He is the same yesterday, today and forever, then Love is the same, yesterday, today and forever. It does not come in doses. It is not given in accordance to performance. It is always there and always as big as God Himself. It isn't deserved it is given by grace... despite our failures, our transgressions, even our greatest sins!!

Now I need only to walk fully in that revelation from my Loving Father as it humbles me beyond words.

Day 4 - Tina

Warning: Today's is long!

Heather and I were late getting into town today... we didn't leave until almost 4 so I was thinking about my fast, a little anxious that I might not be able to find someone to reach out to today. I also started a really horrible antibiotic for a stomach infection I have so I wasn't feeling very good, and was hoping and praying that the condition of my belly wouldn't effect the condition of my heart... or my eyes!

We got to Depoe Bay, about 3 miles down the road and were surprised to see that the town was packed! Almost every parking spot was filled and there were people everywhere. We were just driving through, headed for Newport to go to Saturday mass, but we were having fun looking at all the busyness. Near the end of town there were 3 women standing on the seawall watching the waves and we both instantly recognized them. We had taken a picture of them at another beach in Lincoln City a few week before, and remembered their faces. We laughed at how memorable they were and at seeing them twice in the same month in two different places. Weird!

We got about a mile up the road and I had a fleeting thought that it would be fun to talk to them... and then a pang of anxiety at the prospect of actually doing it... "We should turn around, Heath."

Only seconds before we had seen them I was thinking and praying to God... I hope I can be a person that You can always count on to reach out to someone on Your heart! I want to be like Bonnie and Di. I want you to know that You can just use me if you need! So when I was afraid to walk up to them I thought, what if God wants me to! And I'm to afraid to do it! Heather said, "I was thinking we should talk to them too!" So we turned around and almost instantly got a parking spot, which was a miracle in itself. We got out of the car and walked to where they were sitting, but they weren't there.

It didn't throw me off this time though. I think I knew they wouldn't be there, but I wanted to show myself that I WOULD go and talk to them if God said to! I wanted to overcome that fear that hit me... that fear that I HATE! So, I have every assurance that going back and getting out of the car was the Holy Spirit, but as much assurance that it wasn't my Lenten offering missed, nor was it ever.

We decided to follow our noses to a little restaurant where we could smell the clam chowder and garlic bread from across town. In the end I realized that clam chowder and garlic bread are not good choices for stomach infections, but fortunately that didn't keep me from enjoying it at the time. And the extra 45 minutes we took there had some significance in where, and more specifically when we were at other places later.

We got back in the car and drove the remaining 15 miles to Newport to go to church, but it was only 4:30 when we got there, giving us an hour before mass started. We decided to get Starbucks while we waited and drive around. We ended up at this cute little grass park on a cliff overlooking the ocean. When we rolled up there were a few people in the grass but just us parked... but within five minute there were cars on every side of us and the spot was packed. I felt the nearing of my offering. A strange sense that God gives me that helps me to overcome whatever nervousness I might have when I am actually in the midst of his assignment for the day. What a dance this is I am realizing as I write this! I love God!

My drink wasn't feeling very good on my stomach so I decided to abandon it and get out of the car. Heather had her camera so she took the opportunity to get some ocean pictures while I walked around looking for whatever God's Eyes were on. Everyone that had been there a minute before had suddenly vanished. The street parking was filled but nobody was in the park. There was a little round building with a tall square dome top... silly looking thing. The door was open so I thought everyone might be checking something out in there. As I got closer I heard music playing and thought how nice that the park officials had set up speakers for anyone that wanted to find refuge in this little building.

But as I got to the door I thought, that is the prettiest voice I have ever heard. I had never heard this person. She had this high, melodious voice that just seemed to drift right up to Heaven. I wanted the CD.

I noticed that inside the roof was shaped to make an echo and looked all over to see where they had set the speakers up to make it sound so clean. I couldn't see anything so I stepped further in and noticed a little girl asleep on a bench right in the middle of the room, and a man sitting looking up at the ceiling on another bench perpendicular to the girl's. I smiled at them, thinking how adorable that they were just enjoying sitting there and listening to the music. I continued to look for the source of the music. I still couldn't see any speakers.

I stepped one more step into the room and stopped in utter, jaw-dropping-amazement when I noticed a little 80 year old woman in a red sweater and baggy faded jeans leaning against a column that had been hiding her tiny form until then... it can't be! I stepped in another step to see her eyes were fixed up but closed and her mouth was without a doubt issuing the amazing voice that sounded as if trained by choirs of angels themselves. The man caught my movement and looked over at me. He smiled. I could barely return the smile. I was overcome! I thought at first that it might be awkward for her if she realized I was listening but I couldn't leave. I sat against a column across from her and just leaned my head back to listen. She sang about a road that led to heaven. Marked with beautiful trees and flowers and grass... and in the distance Jesus waited for the singer.

A tear ran down my face before I realized it. I was thinking about the last 4 days, and the last month. I thought about my Nan who passed away on the 7th of this month. The song ended and I caught the tear, wiped my eyes and turned to see the woman's face. She was also crying. The man next to her, her youngest son I found out, said, "Echo made that neat." She smiled.

"You have a beautiful voice," I told her. She turned to me, not even slightly surprised to see a complete stranger sitting there. "Where did you learn that song?" I asked.

"I don't know I guess. On an album somewhere. There is another one. It was from a lover to his love but I always sing it to Jesus."

And she just started to sing it. "Whenever I see a rainbow in the sky, I think of you..."

Her voice was so beautiful. I just sat and stared. The little girl got up while she was singing and came to sit next to her. Her name was Calia. It was the woman's granddaughter I discovered. When the song was over the woman sat quiet for a minute and then opened her eyes real slowly. There was a sadness in them.

"Where did you learn to sing like that?"

She laughed. "I don't know I guess. Choir in church as a girl I guess. I used to sing all the time. Then one day my silly brother brought a phonograph and recorded me. I heard my high voice like that and I loathed it so I didn't sing for years! I would sing real low and quiet but not much. Then about seven years ago I sang real high for someone and he said I had a real nice voice and I started singing again. Have been since." Her face lit up. "Wanna hear another?"

"PLEASE!" Ask her what she needs you to pray for her. This was about when Heather had finished with her pictures and came in.

She sang two more, taking a few moments to talk with us in between each, before her family started to get very anxious to be moving on. "Can I hug you?" I asked her. She smiled, "Sure," she said. The family started to move toward the door. They were hungry and ready to get back on the road toward home, about 3 hours away. When they had all left the building and were in the grass outside and she was alone with me I stopped her. "I pray every night you know. Is there anything I can pray for you?"

She looked up at me a little surprised but very serious and said, "Well, ya know, to be honest, I have been real depressed lately."

"Oh!" I said... my heart actually hurt when she said it. Like an ache. "Can I pray for you right now?" I asked gently. I wanted to tell her she was wonderful and that she was a blessing and so loved by God and so many and that God wanted to minister to her and walk with her in the difficult world that she currently found herself, but I didn't have the words. I didn't want her to leave without knowing those things though and I knew the Holy Spirit would give me words in prayer.

"Ok." She said. I audibly sighed in relief I'm pretty sure. "What's your name?"

"Tina."

I wrapped Tina up in my arms and she melted into me. She needed a Jesus embrace, I could tell. She grasped my hand tightly and reached out for Heather's hand who was standing a little off to the side praying for me. I started to pray for her... and then Jesus just came and engulfed her! I can't describe this part. He swept her up and I just sort of watched. It was so surreal to be part of it but on the outside of it... somehow. When I had finished praying for her she hugged me really tight for almost a minute and then she said thank you, and we went our separate ways.

You love that woman a lot God. Wow.

Heather and I got back in the car and just cried for like five minutes. It was time for church. We were going to be late and almost didn't go but we both just felt like we needed to be there. In service I asked God to forgive me for doubting Him ever. For doubting His love ever. For doubting that He would help me find just the right person for my Lenten fast.

Trust me, Raindrop!

I prayed for all the people God had crossed my path with in the last 4 days... in awe and wonder I lifted them up to Jesus.

The last song reminded me of the word he has given me for this week: CONNECTION.

The song was a hymn. Hymn #594 in our hymnals:

Companions on the Journey

We are companions on the journey,

breaking bread and sharing life,

and in the love we bear is the hope we share,

for we believe in the love of our God.

For we believe in the love of our God.

No longer strangers to each other,

no longer strangers in God's house,

we are fed and we are nourished

by the strength of those who care.

By the strength of those who care.

We have been gifted with each other,

and we are called by the Word of the Lord,

to act with justice to love tenderly,

and to walk humbly with our God.

To walk humbly with our God.

We will seek and we shall find,

we will knock and the door will be opened,

we will ask and it shall be given,

for we believe in the love of our God.

We believe in the love of our God.

We are made for the glory of our God,

for service in the name of Jesus,

to walk side by side with hope in our hearts,

for we believe in the love of our God.

We believe in the love of our God.

I thought of Tina... Roxanne and Kate... the vanishing man... Timothy. And all the people that we break bread with on this journey...

I am humbled. And so blessed. Thank you Father who Loves me. Thank you Jesus who Saves me. Thank you Holy Spirit who Leads me. I love you.