Today, has been weary and long and full of the magnamity of my own inadequacies and helplessness... not because I have done any great wrong, but because I walk in things I do not understand, that I cannot explain or stay strong through. My heart is laden with things heavier than I have ever carried, my mind is lost in the selection or the ability to find the right things to say... what do I feel? What do I say? How do I pray?
On my knees or with my head in my hands I have sat in the desire to know so much more about God, about His Word, about how to pray, about how to stay in God's strength... this is how I have spent so much of today. I have prayed for healing and comfort and peace and understanding. I have poured out everything I know... everything I know how to give...
I wish I could fly on wings with blinding speed to Alabama and just wrap my arms around brother Jaron and Papa Manyama. But I can't. And not knowing why is part of the struggle. Not knowing what exactly they need or want is part of my confusion. So I will keep reading and praying. I will keep asking and hoping.
The last scripture on my mind tonight, we heard in Church yesterday... "And the victory that conquers the world is faith." (1John 5)
So I will go off to bed with all the faith in God I can muster... His ways are not my ways, I must remember. As far as Heaven is above Earth, that is how high His ways are above mine...
Thy will be done, oh God, on Earth, as it is in Heaven... Holy, Holy, Holy is the Lord, God Almighty! I put my trust in You, my Jesus, Almighty Healer, All-knowing Savior, All-powerful God! Give us all peace... comfort... understanding. I pray for Dee. I pray for Jaron. I pray for Pastor and Malima and Elijah. Let us listen in, that all might be revealed to us.
Good night Love. Thank you for being God. Help me to embrace that more... and show me how to walk in Your ways and Your will.
Monday, April 20, 2009
Sunday, April 12, 2009
Day 46: New Life: Easter Vigil Saturday
I woke early! I was due at church for Confirmation practice at 10 am so I had set my alarm for 9:30. But when I woke, it wasn't to my alarm. Something else had woken me, and my mind was already running when I went from asleep to full conciousness. I thought, "oh God, let me just sleep a few more minutes. Just until my alarm goes off."And He said, "oh, Ashley, get up and look at the time!"
I sighed and sat up to locate my phone which was buried somewhere in my covers. I found it, flipped it over and hit a button to make the light come on. 7:20.
"WHAT?!" I shot up out of bed. "Well, what is it? You must have me up for a reason if it's this early!"
My sleepiness had me too hazy to realize that God wanted me up... and now! So I jumped up, grabbed my Bible and "Disciplines of the Inner Life" and went into Di's peaceful, unoccupied office. I knelt on the floor facing the window and asked God what He wanted to talk about. I didn't hear anything for a minute, so I looked out the window... looking for Him. What I saw was a beautiful blooming bush with tiny white flowers. Hundreds of flowers adorned each branch in a bunch at the end. Like a bride's boquet. "Oh, there You are," I said, "I can see you in your beautiful creation. I will always think of Confirmation when I see those flowers now, Papa."
I started talking and praying about Confirmation, getting excited and just going through all my hopes for the day, and I could feel the Holy Spirit just dancing and laughing around the room. Eventually the presence of God was so powerful that I finally just laid down, flat on my face and praised God! His glory was that strong! Finally I heard Him say, "Get up."
So I sat up on my knees again and looked out at His beauty. And He said, "this is not only your Confirmation, my beloved. This is your Coronation. Around your neck you will wear a garland of peace. Atop your head a crown of love. And a robe of light will trail behind you." It was so AWESOME! It felt like I was being Knighted or something... I didn't know what a Coronation was, but it was the most special thing in the world to me! I had heard the word before, but had no clue what it meant. It was THE best morning of my entire life! Ever... ever... wait... EVER!Later I asked Di what a Coronation was, because I hoped to gain some understanding about what God was really doing. "Its when somebody is crowned."
I cried.
She went on. "We used to do Coronation services at camp. We would crown the girls! And you couldn't convince them that those were not real crowns. It comes from Psalm 45."
Tears.
"We had a Coronation service once. At a women's retreat. Beauty for Ashes we called it. The women brought their ashes to God and exchanged them for beauty. It was powerful!"
And I realized, in place of the sins and burdens I brought to Christ at the Cross on Good Friday, God was crowning me with Love. I was exchanging my ashes for beauty. Princess Ashley Elizabeth.
Confirmation was everything I hoped it would be... and more... and even more than I can fathom. And I knew it. I could feel it was beyond my scope. I cannot fully describe the magnitude of this night. Most of it lies beyond the realm of explaination. But I can say that I am full! That my heart, my soul, my life... all are full! Full of the Spirit of God and the gift of the body and blood of Christ.
I thought of the woman at the well. I thought of what Jesus told her about "living water"... and I thought, I shall neither hunger nor thirst again! I thought of new life... God fills us with LIFE. Life's purpose is to live for Christ! The inevitable outcome of life is... LIFE! I thought of God's love... and how blessed I am, because He loves me so much. He has drawn me to Him. He has allowed me to walk with Him on the road of LIFE! He is GOOD! All the time! And all the time! He is Good!
OOOOOOOOOOOHHHHHHHHHHHH THANK YOU, THANK YOU, THANK YOU, LORD!!!
Saturday, April 11, 2009
Day 45: Good Friday
Today was not a mass. There is never a mass on Good Friday because the Host is not in the church... but it is one of the most intense and powerful services I have ever been to.
When we first came in, and the host was gone and the church was cold and hollow and filled with solemn absence, there was a moment of realization. Christ did die for us. Christ did leave this Earth, His body went into the ground, and He endured the ultimate sacrifice. And there are some whose "temples" (the Word says our bodies are our temples) are still without the Host. How long did my own temple lay cold and bare like that.
And I sat, for the first time tonight, at the foot of the crucified Christ, while He suffered and died in utter agony of love for us... and I thought, "what have I done? What have I done to my Lord?" I wept at the feet of the One I had condemned. He died for me, because I would sin, and seperate myself from my Father, and from Him. Over and over I must rely on the grace and mercy of His sacrifice.
And Christ knew me! He knew I would sin against God. He knew I would condemn Him. And He still died. And I realized how many times with my anger, my pride, my indifference, my arrogance, my fear... that I have stood in the crowd and yelled, "crucify Him!"
And here I am tonight, in the mud of my own contradiction, under His dying outstreched form, weeping for His suffering... wishing there were some way I could undo it. Wishing I could bring something that would ease the weight of the "cup" He had to bear. And realizing that, as Di said tonight, there is nothing I can bring Him but my sin... and my grieved, repentent heart.
Tonight was the LAST night that I won't be able to take communion and celebrate the Eucharist with everyone... and tomorrow I will eat of the bread, Christ's body, and drink of the cup, the blood He poured out for me.
I am speechless. I am humbled. I am so unworthy of such a love as Your's, oh Christ... and You still have let me follow You. You have drawn me near! I love You... I love You... I love You...
When we first came in, and the host was gone and the church was cold and hollow and filled with solemn absence, there was a moment of realization. Christ did die for us. Christ did leave this Earth, His body went into the ground, and He endured the ultimate sacrifice. And there are some whose "temples" (the Word says our bodies are our temples) are still without the Host. How long did my own temple lay cold and bare like that.
And I sat, for the first time tonight, at the foot of the crucified Christ, while He suffered and died in utter agony of love for us... and I thought, "what have I done? What have I done to my Lord?" I wept at the feet of the One I had condemned. He died for me, because I would sin, and seperate myself from my Father, and from Him. Over and over I must rely on the grace and mercy of His sacrifice.
And Christ knew me! He knew I would sin against God. He knew I would condemn Him. And He still died. And I realized how many times with my anger, my pride, my indifference, my arrogance, my fear... that I have stood in the crowd and yelled, "crucify Him!"
And here I am tonight, in the mud of my own contradiction, under His dying outstreched form, weeping for His suffering... wishing there were some way I could undo it. Wishing I could bring something that would ease the weight of the "cup" He had to bear. And realizing that, as Di said tonight, there is nothing I can bring Him but my sin... and my grieved, repentent heart.
Tonight was the LAST night that I won't be able to take communion and celebrate the Eucharist with everyone... and tomorrow I will eat of the bread, Christ's body, and drink of the cup, the blood He poured out for me.
I am speechless. I am humbled. I am so unworthy of such a love as Your's, oh Christ... and You still have let me follow You. You have drawn me near! I love You... I love You... I love You...
Friday, April 10, 2009
Day 44: Holy Thursday & Washing Feet
Tonight, I am writing this blog from within the St. Rose walls. For creative and cognitive inspiration I have the four most intensely filled and lovely walls in the whole world! I sit in the throne room itself tonight and get to fathom the WONDERS and the mystries of my FAVORITE person: my KING, my GOD, my LORD, my SAVIOR - JESUS CHRIST!
An immeasurable amount of experiences and memories of the day run joyfully and exuberantly through my silent, reverent mind. I am EXACTLY where I am supposed to be tonight! For the first time in my life, there is absoluetely NO DOUBT that I am walking the path that is intended for me and its new, and its strange and its unmapped, but I am not alone and I am NOT AFRAID! I am... grateful... I am full of awe... and I cannot help but exclaim in my heart and on this paper... THANK YOU, OH MY JESUS! ALL GLORY AND HONOR AND POWER TO YOU, OH GOD, FOREVER AND EVER AND EVER!
I have cursed You, I have denied Your power and care, I have doubted You, I have withheld my love and my prayers, I have been angry at You... I have drivin the nails in deeper so many times... and still you wash my feet. Still You stop to clean my heart and catch my tears, still You allow me to sit with You and still You love me... Still You broke Your body for me and poured out Your blood, spread Your sinless, clean hands wide over the cross and DIED for me. For everyone!
Oh, my Jesus... can I just sit at Your feet forever? Can I just dwell in Your love and presence forever? Can I wash your feet tonight with the tears of my broken heart... may my words be like sweet, expensive perfume... and my worship and desire dry your feet?
You have called me here... I will obey! With ALL of me! I withold nothing, my Jesus! I want to follow you everywhere, and live only to love You. Like John. Let me simply serve You Jesus, so that I may always be humbly near and follow You wherever You go!
An immeasurable amount of experiences and memories of the day run joyfully and exuberantly through my silent, reverent mind. I am EXACTLY where I am supposed to be tonight! For the first time in my life, there is absoluetely NO DOUBT that I am walking the path that is intended for me and its new, and its strange and its unmapped, but I am not alone and I am NOT AFRAID! I am... grateful... I am full of awe... and I cannot help but exclaim in my heart and on this paper... THANK YOU, OH MY JESUS! ALL GLORY AND HONOR AND POWER TO YOU, OH GOD, FOREVER AND EVER AND EVER!
I have cursed You, I have denied Your power and care, I have doubted You, I have withheld my love and my prayers, I have been angry at You... I have drivin the nails in deeper so many times... and still you wash my feet. Still You stop to clean my heart and catch my tears, still You allow me to sit with You and still You love me... Still You broke Your body for me and poured out Your blood, spread Your sinless, clean hands wide over the cross and DIED for me. For everyone!
Oh, my Jesus... can I just sit at Your feet forever? Can I just dwell in Your love and presence forever? Can I wash your feet tonight with the tears of my broken heart... may my words be like sweet, expensive perfume... and my worship and desire dry your feet?
You have called me here... I will obey! With ALL of me! I withold nothing, my Jesus! I want to follow you everywhere, and live only to love You. Like John. Let me simply serve You Jesus, so that I may always be humbly near and follow You wherever You go!
Day 43: My CPU
I learned about the mind even MORE today! I love when the Lord keeps blossoming one concept over time for me! He has such devotion for my growth, and a patience beyond any I've ever experienced!
Today, while eating a dinner out with Heather and Brother Dominic, the topic of the mind came up during conversation and Brother said something so great. He said that the modern day computer is a sort of mirror of the human mind. It is our mind that worked as the blueprint and format for how our personal computers work today. The cache memory is the here and now; it is what we are currently working on and what we are presently processing. Then there is the desktop. The desktop is our priorities, or most used files and programs. Its the plate that we are working off of... our work and life load. Then, there is the hard drive. Here we have our memories. SO MANY memories. Each file is in there, some harder to locate than others, our files as organized and manageable as we choose to keep them.
And I know, if pondered long enough, there would be sooooo many more great comparisons...
But what struck me was that our minds have so many parts, and folders and files and programs and software, and... and we have to seek every part of this elaborate system and systematically give it to God. We have ot be willing to wipe our hard drives clean if He asks and only allow God's data and programs to be stored there. There are parts of our thoughts and memories and past that are permanent... that even a wiped hard drive won't clear away. This is usually because these things are necessary to life. If we clear them, the computer dies.
But we can take Jesus there! I read a powerful book last year that changed my life and the way I deal with my inerasable files. It was called "Captivating", and one thing that it led me to do was take Jesus to those immovable memories that will always be there and allow Him to transform them! To allow Christ to heal those moments with His love and His presence and change them from hindering to useful and powerful testimonies in my life! Our minds are absolutely and completely penetrable!
I continue to love You with ALL my mind, Lord my God!
Sleep sweet! Well, since you neither "slumber nor sleep", may I sleep sweet and may You find a place to rest in me! Night Daddy!
Today, while eating a dinner out with Heather and Brother Dominic, the topic of the mind came up during conversation and Brother said something so great. He said that the modern day computer is a sort of mirror of the human mind. It is our mind that worked as the blueprint and format for how our personal computers work today. The cache memory is the here and now; it is what we are currently working on and what we are presently processing. Then there is the desktop. The desktop is our priorities, or most used files and programs. Its the plate that we are working off of... our work and life load. Then, there is the hard drive. Here we have our memories. SO MANY memories. Each file is in there, some harder to locate than others, our files as organized and manageable as we choose to keep them.
And I know, if pondered long enough, there would be sooooo many more great comparisons...
But what struck me was that our minds have so many parts, and folders and files and programs and software, and... and we have to seek every part of this elaborate system and systematically give it to God. We have ot be willing to wipe our hard drives clean if He asks and only allow God's data and programs to be stored there. There are parts of our thoughts and memories and past that are permanent... that even a wiped hard drive won't clear away. This is usually because these things are necessary to life. If we clear them, the computer dies.
But we can take Jesus there! I read a powerful book last year that changed my life and the way I deal with my inerasable files. It was called "Captivating", and one thing that it led me to do was take Jesus to those immovable memories that will always be there and allow Him to transform them! To allow Christ to heal those moments with His love and His presence and change them from hindering to useful and powerful testimonies in my life! Our minds are absolutely and completely penetrable!
I continue to love You with ALL my mind, Lord my God!
Sleep sweet! Well, since you neither "slumber nor sleep", may I sleep sweet and may You find a place to rest in me! Night Daddy!
Tuesday, April 7, 2009
Day 42: Addressing God?
When we address God, how should this look? What do we say? How do we introduce ourselves?
I wonder how Jesus addressed God. He often took time to just step away and be with God. He took time, amidst all the things He had to do to just be with His Father. He also found rest in it, and would go to the Father for peace!
Phillipians 2 said that Jesus, though He was made of the same stuff as God, His Father, still humbled Himself before God and would not look for equality or acknowledge His equality with God.
That's powerful for so many reasons.
One, because He WAS equal with God, but choose to put Himself below Him, so great was His love and devotion to His Father. The Message Bible says, "He had equal status with God but didn't think so much of Himself that He had to cling to the advantages of that status no matter what. Not at all. "
Two, He knew He would eventually have to die if He continued on His humble path, and could have avoided it if He would have accepted and completely lived in His true power. In the Words of the Message Bible: "When the time came, He set aside the privileges of deity and took on the status of a slave, became human! Having become human, He stayed human. It was an incredibly humbling process. He didn't claim special privileges. Instead He lived a selfless, obedient life and then died a selfless, obedient death - the worst kind of death at that - a crucifixion." WOW.
Three, He was to become the model! His life would be the ultimate standard and the ultimate teaching plan of what God wanted from us! His experiences, His actions and the way He addressed God would set the bar... The Message again, "Think of yourselfs the way Christ Jesus thought of himself."
Wow... So, two things come to mind. I have a lllooonnnggg way to go, and one AWESOME SAVIOR! So, my journey into the mind of the Word continues. If I want to know How to address God I need only to look to Jesus!
I'm lookin'!
I wonder how Jesus addressed God. He often took time to just step away and be with God. He took time, amidst all the things He had to do to just be with His Father. He also found rest in it, and would go to the Father for peace!
Phillipians 2 said that Jesus, though He was made of the same stuff as God, His Father, still humbled Himself before God and would not look for equality or acknowledge His equality with God.
That's powerful for so many reasons.
One, because He WAS equal with God, but choose to put Himself below Him, so great was His love and devotion to His Father. The Message Bible says, "He had equal status with God but didn't think so much of Himself that He had to cling to the advantages of that status no matter what. Not at all. "
Two, He knew He would eventually have to die if He continued on His humble path, and could have avoided it if He would have accepted and completely lived in His true power. In the Words of the Message Bible: "When the time came, He set aside the privileges of deity and took on the status of a slave, became human! Having become human, He stayed human. It was an incredibly humbling process. He didn't claim special privileges. Instead He lived a selfless, obedient life and then died a selfless, obedient death - the worst kind of death at that - a crucifixion." WOW.
Three, He was to become the model! His life would be the ultimate standard and the ultimate teaching plan of what God wanted from us! His experiences, His actions and the way He addressed God would set the bar... The Message again, "Think of yourselfs the way Christ Jesus thought of himself."
Wow... So, two things come to mind. I have a lllooonnnggg way to go, and one AWESOME SAVIOR! So, my journey into the mind of the Word continues. If I want to know How to address God I need only to look to Jesus!
I'm lookin'!
Monday, April 6, 2009
Day 41: So... about this mind thing!
A couple days ago I learned the importance of loving God with all my mind! To love Him with every part of my thought life and every part of my internal, hidden processes. My heart... that is a work in progress, but it's His! My mind... my mind is a slightly out of control, cluttery mess. My thoughts so often creep up on me. When life isn't happening in 4th gear, and there is an opportunity for scenery, my mind wanders off, lookin' for trouble. And its so natural and easy to just let it run. Kind of like auto pilot. But when I stop and focus on all of those "careless" thoughts... its amazing how many of them aren't careless. Its horrifying how many of them are judgements, or anxieties, maybe fears, doubts, complaints! And this is not intentional! Sometimes, I see it coming and I give it permission; maybe because I'm lazy or because I'm angry and I want to think about all the ways somebody is making me mad... many different reasons. But many times I snap out of bad thoughts. Kind of like bad dreams!
So what do I do about those?!
Hahaha... hopeless frustrated questions always have great answers! Check out Philippians 2! I found out today... there is more to this mind battle. We are not just called to love the Lord our God with all our mind... we are also called to have a mind LIKE Christ's! A mind like Christ's doesn't run off! A mind like Christ's has ONE thing at its center... one focus... GOD! What does this mean? This means that we are not only willing to love God with our minds and direct praise from within our thoughts OUT toward Him... but we are also to commit our minds to be as Jesus' mind is! To entertain the same thoughts as His. To think and reason and process as Jesus Himself does! A mind that allows Christ to infiltrate and penetrate INTO our thoughts and find perminant residence!
Whew... this is a WHOLE other level!! Well... I'll take one last breath... LETS GO JESUS! I'm ready! :D I just LOVE the way your mind works, Jesus!!! Can I have it?!
So what do I do about those?!
Hahaha... hopeless frustrated questions always have great answers! Check out Philippians 2! I found out today... there is more to this mind battle. We are not just called to love the Lord our God with all our mind... we are also called to have a mind LIKE Christ's! A mind like Christ's doesn't run off! A mind like Christ's has ONE thing at its center... one focus... GOD! What does this mean? This means that we are not only willing to love God with our minds and direct praise from within our thoughts OUT toward Him... but we are also to commit our minds to be as Jesus' mind is! To entertain the same thoughts as His. To think and reason and process as Jesus Himself does! A mind that allows Christ to infiltrate and penetrate INTO our thoughts and find perminant residence!
Whew... this is a WHOLE other level!! Well... I'll take one last breath... LETS GO JESUS! I'm ready! :D I just LOVE the way your mind works, Jesus!!! Can I have it?!
Sunday, April 5, 2009
Day 40: Wonder
I am very tired tonight. It is late. Almost 1 am, haha. And tomorrow shall begin early. 7am. 6 hours of sleep. AND ITS GONNA BE GREAT!
6 whole hours! That's good! I could have gone to bed an hour ago... but this time I've spent with God and in the Word, and in thought and prayer... no sleep can top that! Wouldn't trade a second of it for any amount of sleep.
May I never lose my wonder for God. When I read the word, or pray with Him and think of how He makes Himself known in everything, I am filled with joy. I am so full of awe and gratefulness that God has let me in on the secret... given me eyes to see even a sliver His mystery!
I long for even more WONDER! I long to know Him more and more! To understand Him more and more. When I am lost in the depths of God, and He is revealing things to my heart, whether they are great or small, it is always all-consuming! Everything is profound and full of amazement... and I wonder, how I ever turn from that place. If I were always the "craziest" person in the room, so what?! If others didn't wanna come to "crazy" with me, who cares. We typically only see enthusiasm and awe and unshakable joy as traits of "crazy" when we don't want to look outside of our struggles or our darkness. When surface and coolness are all we want to share.
I don't really want to live there... ever... again.
There it is. Short and sweet tonight! I love you WONDERFUL God!
6 whole hours! That's good! I could have gone to bed an hour ago... but this time I've spent with God and in the Word, and in thought and prayer... no sleep can top that! Wouldn't trade a second of it for any amount of sleep.
May I never lose my wonder for God. When I read the word, or pray with Him and think of how He makes Himself known in everything, I am filled with joy. I am so full of awe and gratefulness that God has let me in on the secret... given me eyes to see even a sliver His mystery!
I long for even more WONDER! I long to know Him more and more! To understand Him more and more. When I am lost in the depths of God, and He is revealing things to my heart, whether they are great or small, it is always all-consuming! Everything is profound and full of amazement... and I wonder, how I ever turn from that place. If I were always the "craziest" person in the room, so what?! If others didn't wanna come to "crazy" with me, who cares. We typically only see enthusiasm and awe and unshakable joy as traits of "crazy" when we don't want to look outside of our struggles or our darkness. When surface and coolness are all we want to share.
I don't really want to live there... ever... again.
There it is. Short and sweet tonight! I love you WONDERFUL God!
Day 39: ALL!
What will become of this heart? I lay and ponder tonight if I will ever overcome all that holds me back, all my "struggles". The mind is a beautiful place, but also very frightening. Such power exists in its fears and its misunderstandings. Such trepidation springs into my heart when I think of what is still to come. So as I pray and read with God... I am given this to ponder... In Luke 10 25-28 Jesus asks a man what the most important thing is? And the man responds, "LOVE the Lord you God with ALL your HEART (this is the most perceivable because love seems to spring from the heart), ALL your SOUL (all our emotion and will), ALL your STRENGTH (our ability to accept His grace) and ALL YOUR MIND (that means every thought and idea, every fear, every misunderstanding)!!"
This is THE MOST IMPORTANT thing we have to do on this Earth. God wants it all! He gave His all for us... He gave us all the ability to choose what we wanted, do what we wanted, love Him if we wanted... He gave us all the opportunity to share eternal joy with Him in Heaven! In return, He wants our all. So that He can transform us! If we give Him ALL the burdens of our hearts, He can carry them and transform them to victories in His love for us... If we give Him ALL the questions and the doubts of our minds, He can transform them into faith... If we give Him ALL the transgressions of our souls, He can cover them with His mercy... If we give Him ALL our strength, He can administer His grace! He replaces fear with hope, sorrow with joy, the death of sin with eternal life!!!
Here I am, Lord... ALL OF ME! I LOVE YOU!
This is THE MOST IMPORTANT thing we have to do on this Earth. God wants it all! He gave His all for us... He gave us all the ability to choose what we wanted, do what we wanted, love Him if we wanted... He gave us all the opportunity to share eternal joy with Him in Heaven! In return, He wants our all. So that He can transform us! If we give Him ALL the burdens of our hearts, He can carry them and transform them to victories in His love for us... If we give Him ALL the questions and the doubts of our minds, He can transform them into faith... If we give Him ALL the transgressions of our souls, He can cover them with His mercy... If we give Him ALL our strength, He can administer His grace! He replaces fear with hope, sorrow with joy, the death of sin with eternal life!!!
Here I am, Lord... ALL OF ME! I LOVE YOU!
Friday, April 3, 2009
Day 38: Do you know or do you believe
I made a really cool realization today: there is a divine difference between knowing something is true, and believing it is true. You can know all about something, understand its concepts, grasp its potential and see its importance, but you can't walk in its truth until you believe in it. It is one of the ways that often separates Christians from the rest of the world.
"I would like to learn just one thing from you: Did you receive the Spirit by observing the law, or by believing what you heard? Are you so foolish? After beginning with the Spirit, are you now trying to attain your goal by human effort?" (Galatians 3: 2-3)
I was in the midst of a conversation today about God's love, going on between two wonderful people. One said to the other, "If you never overcame your struggle, God would still love you. You don't have to do anything, God won't care, He will still love you!"
And the other replied, "yeah that's true. I know, I know."
And the response was, "you know but you don't believe!"
And then the conversation went on to some unknown place that I didn't hear because it was such a profound and simple realization for me that my being couldn't let pass without chewing! The key to depth with God is faith. Faith in His love. Faith in His provision. Faith in Him! We can know stuff about Him, and read the Bible and know more stuff, and listen to a great son
g and know more, but until we have the faith to believe in all that we think we know it remains floating above the ocean waves, and we remain on the surface of His unending depths, treading water. It is the belief that allows us to dive into His presence and truth and... HIS LOVE!
As Galatians says, it is not by our knowledge of the law that God works and gives us His Spirit, but it is by believing in Him! We can know He is there. Our hearts and souls know it. We know it when we look in the face of creation and have no idea where to begin the questioning, or find the words for our awe... but until we believe, we don't experience the grace and depths of God. We cannot embrace His love. Rather we only witness His power.
Powerfully Lovely!
Also, today was my first confession. And it was absolutely amazing. The Holy Spirit was all over that room... and every ounce of fear and nervousness turned to complete humility and repentance as I stared into the depths of Jesus and He cleansed me of my sins. I am so grateful for the God lead tradition of confession in the Catholic church. And for Father Sebastian, who takes delight in allowing the Holy Spirit to live and move through the lives of God's children. Today was POWERFUL! All around!
And I got a slammin' fab dress from my sponsor, which we shopped for today and she got me for my confirmation... and the coolest part is that she got me to go and try on dresses, which was such a God thing, because I was so afraid I would see ugliness and undesirable things in the mirror today so I was struggling with going... but I didn't! Instead it was totally a blast to realize and walk in the healing and the blessing of my restored beauty! And FUN shopping experiences, are a wonderful new bonus to my life!!
Thanks for this day, my King. Thank you for Your unconditional love! I BELIEVE YOU AND IN YOU, PAPA! Good night!!! See You in my dreams!
"I would like to learn just one thing from you: Did you receive the Spirit by observing the law, or by believing what you heard? Are you so foolish? After beginning with the Spirit, are you now trying to attain your goal by human effort?" (Galatians 3: 2-3)
I was in the midst of a conversation today about God's love, going on between two wonderful people. One said to the other, "If you never overcame your struggle, God would still love you. You don't have to do anything, God won't care, He will still love you!"
And the other replied, "yeah that's true. I know, I know."
And the response was, "you know but you don't believe!"
And then the conversation went on to some unknown place that I didn't hear because it was such a profound and simple realization for me that my being couldn't let pass without chewing! The key to depth with God is faith. Faith in His love. Faith in His provision. Faith in Him! We can know stuff about Him, and read the Bible and know more stuff, and listen to a great son
g and know more, but until we have the faith to believe in all that we think we know it remains floating above the ocean waves, and we remain on the surface of His unending depths, treading water. It is the belief that allows us to dive into His presence and truth and... HIS LOVE!As Galatians says, it is not by our knowledge of the law that God works and gives us His Spirit, but it is by believing in Him! We can know He is there. Our hearts and souls know it. We know it when we look in the face of creation and have no idea where to begin the questioning, or find the words for our awe... but until we believe, we don't experience the grace and depths of God. We cannot embrace His love. Rather we only witness His power.
Powerfully Lovely!
Also, today was my first confession. And it was absolutely amazing. The Holy Spirit was all over that room... and every ounce of fear and nervousness turned to complete humility and repentance as I stared into the depths of Jesus and He cleansed me of my sins. I am so grateful for the God lead tradition of confession in the Catholic church. And for Father Sebastian, who takes delight in allowing the Holy Spirit to live and move through the lives of God's children. Today was POWERFUL! All around!
And I got a slammin' fab dress from my sponsor, which we shopped for today and she got me for my confirmation... and the coolest part is that she got me to go and try on dresses, which was such a God thing, because I was so afraid I would see ugliness and undesirable things in the mirror today so I was struggling with going... but I didn't! Instead it was totally a blast to realize and walk in the healing and the blessing of my restored beauty! And FUN shopping experiences, are a wonderful new bonus to my life!!
Thanks for this day, my King. Thank you for Your unconditional love! I BELIEVE YOU AND IN YOU, PAPA! Good night!!! See You in my dreams!
Thursday, April 2, 2009
Day 37: Ok 2 Things...
OK! I come tonight with 2 things on my blogging heart...
1.) I have confession tomorrow at 9am... my first confession. That will sound like this: forgive me Father, for I have sinned, it has been my life since my last confession! Hahaha. And I confess... I'm not really ready for it!
Some people struggle with the confession thing, but I really have come to respect it. Confession does a couple of things. Mostly it makes you accountable. I can say it is between me and God, but not really take it to God. And plus, when I know I'm gonna see that Priest around, I'm gonna have extra incentive to really stick to my attempt to not have to take the same problem to confession next time. :D And another really neat thing... lets say I do take my sin to God and skip the confess your sins to one another thing, and God forgives me... but I can't forgive myself. Confession is an opportunity for us to really let it go. To just release the sin and wash it away forever. We realize that sin doesn't have such a grip on us when we are able to share that sin with someone else. Because then the secret is out... and when nobody says, "you're the worst sinner that ever was," or, "you did what?!" then we really allow ourselves to believe that we are free of that sin.
And I say all this in SUCH hope that I'm right! Haha and that I won't just go running out of that room! But be able to really let it all out and not hold back or get scared... I pray that! And that I God will cover up my bad planning and bring to mind all that He wants me to confess, and help me to have words and the confidence to use them!
Alright...
2.) I read 3 Chapters of a book I have really wanted to read for a while now but can't afford. I got to read part of it while chillin' out at Barnes and Nobles today for a couple hours. It is called "The Lambs Supper" by Scott Hahn, and Di always said it was a must read. Before Chapter 1 I knew she wasn't kidding. It may have been the most powerful 3 chapters of the beginning of ANY book I have yet read other than the Bible. I realized why I love Mass in the Catholic church so much, and why Church has been such an impacting place for me over the last two years! I realized that for me, Mass is Heaven! When I experience Mass, I am literally transported into the throne room of Heaven! And it reminded me of the moment that I decided I was going to become Catholic and I really had no other choice. I was kneeling in church during the Eucharistic procession, after I had been up for my blessing and while the remaining rows were going up for the Body and Blood... and something happened.
I call it the flash! And it has happened before. In the past what will happen is I will close my eyes and there will be this bright FLASH and this... vision I will call it... will manifest in my mind. It is always very white, but with dazzle too, and always SO REAL. Little glistening sparkles are everywhere and different wonders happen every time. One time an indescribably brilliant and sparkling vine appeared in midair, right in front of me, and started to grow around me, each new leaf lined and tinged with different brilliant colors. It was soooooooooo cool! But what happens is I get so excited that I open my eyes to see if I'm visibly there, and then it is just the same room I was in before I closed my eyes... and its kind of disappointing.
But this time, when I got the flash, I saw something I had never seen before. I saw row after row after row of people kneeling, facing toward something very bright and far off. It was walking toward us and I can only imagine that it was probably Jesus Himself. Everyone there was wearing white, and in the air and on people's clothes and in people's hair were little dazzling flecks of dust made from all different gemstones, glistening and sailing around the place. Everyone was worshiping, many people were crying, and there was this beautiful, indescribable humming that seemed to lift up from the entire congregation of people in perfect unison in melodious harmony. The entire seen absolutely stole my breath. It was the most beautiful thing I had ever seen. And I started to hum with everyone else, and then, the excitement came and I couldn't help it... my eyes opened. But there was no disappointment. I was still there. I saw St. Rose but everyone was still there and we were still in Heaven, and Jesus was still a brilliant light walking toward us.
And I knew. I began crying and I knew there would be no more wondering if I was supposed to become Catholic. I knew I was home. And Mass seemed to me like... Heaven! And I thought, until today, that it might be a silly comparison and I never really shared this feeling. But as I read Scott Hahn description of Mass as Heaven on Earth, I cried again and realized that Mass is Heaven on Earth to me, and God whispered, "you see, you're not silly," and that what Hahn was talking about was exactly why I couldn't deny the pull of the Catholic Church on my heart and God's call for me to follow Him into something deeper than I'd ever yet known.
And now, I have a quick third thought... I just had such a wonderful night with my family and we shared so many good laughs and thoughts and joys and new horizons that I have to quickly just thank God, again, for this day...
and I just gotta say that I HAD SUCH A JOYFUL, GLORIOUS TIME, in really big CAPS LOCK LETTERS, before I EXPLODE with happiness...
Night Papa! YOU are my FAVORITE! THANK YOU, THANK YOU, THANK YOU, THANK YOU, THANK YOU...
1.) I have confession tomorrow at 9am... my first confession. That will sound like this: forgive me Father, for I have sinned, it has been my life since my last confession! Hahaha. And I confess... I'm not really ready for it!
Some people struggle with the confession thing, but I really have come to respect it. Confession does a couple of things. Mostly it makes you accountable. I can say it is between me and God, but not really take it to God. And plus, when I know I'm gonna see that Priest around, I'm gonna have extra incentive to really stick to my attempt to not have to take the same problem to confession next time. :D And another really neat thing... lets say I do take my sin to God and skip the confess your sins to one another thing, and God forgives me... but I can't forgive myself. Confession is an opportunity for us to really let it go. To just release the sin and wash it away forever. We realize that sin doesn't have such a grip on us when we are able to share that sin with someone else. Because then the secret is out... and when nobody says, "you're the worst sinner that ever was," or, "you did what?!" then we really allow ourselves to believe that we are free of that sin.And I say all this in SUCH hope that I'm right! Haha and that I won't just go running out of that room! But be able to really let it all out and not hold back or get scared... I pray that! And that I God will cover up my bad planning and bring to mind all that He wants me to confess, and help me to have words and the confidence to use them!
Alright...
2.) I read 3 Chapters of a book I have really wanted to read for a while now but can't afford. I got to read part of it while chillin' out at Barnes and Nobles today for a couple hours. It is called "The Lambs Supper" by Scott Hahn, and Di always said it was a must read. Before Chapter 1 I knew she wasn't kidding. It may have been the most powerful 3 chapters of the beginning of ANY book I have yet read other than the Bible. I realized why I love Mass in the Catholic church so much, and why Church has been such an impacting place for me over the last two years! I realized that for me, Mass is Heaven! When I experience Mass, I am literally transported into the throne room of Heaven! And it reminded me of the moment that I decided I was going to become Catholic and I really had no other choice. I was kneeling in church during the Eucharistic procession, after I had been up for my blessing and while the remaining rows were going up for the Body and Blood... and something happened.
I call it the flash! And it has happened before. In the past what will happen is I will close my eyes and there will be this bright FLASH and this... vision I will call it... will manifest in my mind. It is always very white, but with dazzle too, and always SO REAL. Little glistening sparkles are everywhere and different wonders happen every time. One time an indescribably brilliant and sparkling vine appeared in midair, right in front of me, and started to grow around me, each new leaf lined and tinged with different brilliant colors. It was soooooooooo cool! But what happens is I get so excited that I open my eyes to see if I'm visibly there, and then it is just the same room I was in before I closed my eyes... and its kind of disappointing.
But this time, when I got the flash, I saw something I had never seen before. I saw row after row after row of people kneeling, facing toward something very bright and far off. It was walking toward us and I can only imagine that it was probably Jesus Himself. Everyone there was wearing white, and in the air and on people's clothes and in people's hair were little dazzling flecks of dust made from all different gemstones, glistening and sailing around the place. Everyone was worshiping, many people were crying, and there was this beautiful, indescribable humming that seemed to lift up from the entire congregation of people in perfect unison in melodious harmony. The entire seen absolutely stole my breath. It was the most beautiful thing I had ever seen. And I started to hum with everyone else, and then, the excitement came and I couldn't help it... my eyes opened. But there was no disappointment. I was still there. I saw St. Rose but everyone was still there and we were still in Heaven, and Jesus was still a brilliant light walking toward us.
And I knew. I began crying and I knew there would be no more wondering if I was supposed to become Catholic. I knew I was home. And Mass seemed to me like... Heaven! And I thought, until today, that it might be a silly comparison and I never really shared this feeling. But as I read Scott Hahn description of Mass as Heaven on Earth, I cried again and realized that Mass is Heaven on Earth to me, and God whispered, "you see, you're not silly," and that what Hahn was talking about was exactly why I couldn't deny the pull of the Catholic Church on my heart and God's call for me to follow Him into something deeper than I'd ever yet known.And now, I have a quick third thought... I just had such a wonderful night with my family and we shared so many good laughs and thoughts and joys and new horizons that I have to quickly just thank God, again, for this day...
and I just gotta say that I HAD SUCH A JOYFUL, GLORIOUS TIME, in really big CAPS LOCK LETTERS, before I EXPLODE with happiness...
Night Papa! YOU are my FAVORITE! THANK YOU, THANK YOU, THANK YOU, THANK YOU, THANK YOU...
Day 36: The life is in the pit!
This is not an original thought, I heard it from Di tonight, but it was something really wonderful that impacted my night that I wanted to write down and share. I learned a lot of incredibly profound things after a wonderful talk with my sponsor/mentor/mama... a lot! But one of the things that she shared with me that really grabbed me was the idea that the life of the fruit is in the pit!
Yeah... the seed is what carries the potential for new life and more good fruit! And yet... it is the part that we throw away! I had never thought of it. I just have to say real quick that I really think that God is so cool because He isn't as mysterious and ambiguous as we often think... really He has something to show us and grow us in just about everything!
So we have a peach market. We pick the ripest (but not too ripe!) specimen. We check it for bruises, worms, all the necessaries; we pluck off it leaves, and we munch! The fleshy part, the part we like to partake of, is sweet and yummy and pleasing and we eat it up vigorously, chomping it down to the pit, and then, while still licking the juice off our fingers, we chuck the life! The inner, harder, not as pleasing to the eye, inedible lump of brown part... is the life. If we plant that we can enjoy 100 more peaches much like it!
But it isn't pleasing. And it takes work. It takes planting, nurturing, growing, pruning, plucking, watering, down in the dirt work! And that is not something us humans are always so excited about or willing to do.
COOL!
What a WONDERFUL NIGHT... thank you so much Papa! SO MUCH! For everything... and for seeds to work on and grow! I am willing... and I love You!
Yeah... the seed is what carries the potential for new life and more good fruit! And yet... it is the part that we throw away! I had never thought of it. I just have to say real quick that I really think that God is so cool because He isn't as mysterious and ambiguous as we often think... really He has something to show us and grow us in just about everything!
So we have a peach market. We pick the ripest (but not too ripe!) specimen. We check it for bruises, worms, all the necessaries; we pluck off it leaves, and we munch! The fleshy part, the part we like to partake of, is sweet and yummy and pleasing and we eat it up vigorously, chomping it down to the pit, and then, while still licking the juice off our fingers, we chuck the life! The inner, harder, not as pleasing to the eye, inedible lump of brown part... is the life. If we plant that we can enjoy 100 more peaches much like it!
But it isn't pleasing. And it takes work. It takes planting, nurturing, growing, pruning, plucking, watering, down in the dirt work! And that is not something us humans are always so excited about or willing to do.
COOL!
What a WONDERFUL NIGHT... thank you so much Papa! SO MUCH! For everything... and for seeds to work on and grow! I am willing... and I love You!
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