Day 37: Ok 2 Things...

OK! I come tonight with 2 things on my blogging heart...

1.) I have confession tomorrow at 9am... my first confession. That will sound like this: forgive me Father, for I have sinned, it has been my life since my last confession! Hahaha. And I confess... I'm not really ready for it!

Some people struggle with the confession thing, but I really have come to respect it. Confession does a couple of things. Mostly it makes you accountable. I can say it is between me and God, but not really take it to God. And plus, when I know I'm gonna see that Priest around, I'm gonna have extra incentive to really stick to my attempt to not have to take the same problem to confession next time. :D And another really neat thing... lets say I do take my sin to God and skip the confess your sins to one another thing, and God forgives me... but I can't forgive myself. Confession is an opportunity for us to really let it go. To just release the sin and wash it away forever. We realize that sin doesn't have such a grip on us when we are able to share that sin with someone else. Because then the secret is out... and when nobody says, "you're the worst sinner that ever was," or, "you did what?!" then we really allow ourselves to believe that we are free of that sin.

And I say all this in SUCH hope that I'm right! Haha and that I won't just go running out of that room! But be able to really let it all out and not hold back or get scared... I pray that! And that I God will cover up my bad planning and bring to mind all that He wants me to confess, and help me to have words and the confidence to use them!

Alright...

2.) I read 3 Chapters of a book I have really wanted to read for a while now but can't afford. I got to read part of it while chillin' out at Barnes and Nobles today for a couple hours. It is called "The Lambs Supper" by Scott Hahn, and Di always said it was a must read. Before Chapter 1 I knew she wasn't kidding. It may have been the most powerful 3 chapters of the beginning of ANY book I have yet read other than the Bible. I realized why I love Mass in the Catholic church so much, and why Church has been such an impacting place for me over the last two years! I realized that for me, Mass is Heaven! When I experience Mass, I am literally transported into the throne room of Heaven! And it reminded me of the moment that I decided I was going to become Catholic and I really had no other choice. I was kneeling in church during the Eucharistic procession, after I had been up for my blessing and while the remaining rows were going up for the Body and Blood... and something happened.

I call it the flash! And it has happened before. In the past what will happen is I will close my eyes and there will be this bright FLASH and this... vision I will call it... will manifest in my mind. It is always very white, but with dazzle too, and always SO REAL. Little glistening sparkles are everywhere and different wonders happen every time. One time an indescribably brilliant and sparkling vine appeared in midair, right in front of me, and started to grow around me, each new leaf lined and tinged with different brilliant colors. It was soooooooooo cool! But what happens is I get so excited that I open my eyes to see if I'm visibly there, and then it is just the same room I was in before I closed my eyes... and its kind of disappointing.

But this time, when I got the flash, I saw something I had never seen before. I saw row after row after row of people kneeling, facing toward something very bright and far off. It was walking toward us and I can only imagine that it was probably Jesus Himself. Everyone there was wearing white, and in the air and on people's clothes and in people's hair were little dazzling flecks of dust made from all different gemstones, glistening and sailing around the place. Everyone was worshiping, many people were crying, and there was this beautiful, indescribable humming that seemed to lift up from the entire congregation of people in perfect unison in melodious harmony. The entire seen absolutely stole my breath. It was the most beautiful thing I had ever seen. And I started to hum with everyone else, and then, the excitement came and I couldn't help it... my eyes opened. But there was no disappointment. I was still there. I saw St. Rose but everyone was still there and we were still in Heaven, and Jesus was still a brilliant light walking toward us.

And I knew. I began crying and I knew there would be no more wondering if I was supposed to become Catholic. I knew I was home. And Mass seemed to me like... Heaven! And I thought, until today, that it might be a silly comparison and I never really shared this feeling. But as I read Scott Hahn description of Mass as Heaven on Earth, I cried again and realized that Mass is Heaven on Earth to me, and God whispered, "you see, you're not silly," and that what Hahn was talking about was exactly why I couldn't deny the pull of the Catholic Church on my heart and God's call for me to follow Him into something deeper than I'd ever yet known.

And now, I have a quick third thought... I just had such a wonderful night with my family and we shared so many good laughs and thoughts and joys and new horizons that I have to quickly just thank God, again, for this day...

and I just gotta say that I HAD SUCH A JOYFUL, GLORIOUS TIME, in really big CAPS LOCK LETTERS, before I EXPLODE with happiness...Night Papa! YOU are my FAVORITE! THANK YOU, THANK YOU, THANK YOU, THANK YOU, THANK YOU...