Day 45: Good Friday

Today was not a mass. There is never a mass on Good Friday because the Host is not in the church... but it is one of the most intense and powerful services I have ever been to.

When we first came in, and the host was gone and the church was cold and hollow and filled with solemn absence, there was a moment of realization. Christ did die for us. Christ did leave this Earth, His body went into the ground, and He endured the ultimate sacrifice. And there are some whose "temples" (the Word says our bodies are our temples) are still without the Host. How long did my own temple lay cold and bare like that.

And I sat, for the first time tonight, at the foot of the crucified Christ, while He suffered and died in utter agony of love for us... and I thought, "what have I done? What have I done to my Lord?" I wept at the feet of the One I had condemned. He died for me, because I would sin, and seperate myself from my Father, and from Him. Over and over I must rely on the grace and mercy of His sacrifice.

And Christ knew me! He knew I would sin against God. He knew I would condemn Him. And He still died. And I realized how many times with my anger, my pride, my indifference, my arrogance, my fear... that I have stood in the crowd and yelled, "crucify Him!"

And here I am tonight, in the mud of my own contradiction, under His dying outstreched form, weeping for His suffering... wishing there were some way I could undo it. Wishing I could bring something that would ease the weight of the "cup" He had to bear. And realizing that, as Di said tonight, there is nothing I can bring Him but my sin... and my grieved, repentent heart.

Tonight was the LAST night that I won't be able to take communion and celebrate the Eucharist with everyone... and tomorrow I will eat of the bread, Christ's body, and drink of the cup, the blood He poured out for me.

I am speechless. I am humbled. I am so unworthy of such a love as Your's, oh Christ... and You still have let me follow You. You have drawn me near! I love You... I love You... I love You...