It is AMAZZZZZING how easily negativity crawls right into our lives, unnoticed, unchecked, and slowly starts to warp our outlook. In this day and age it literally takes zero seconds to find it. Talking to people we have to dodge dart after dart of complaints, problems, gossip. Turn on the TV or radio, flip open the newspaper or a magazine, switch on the internet and woooooosh, a world of bad news awaits your perusal. It is a difficult world, in the midst of a careless, desensitized generation, and these are scary, dangerous times.
But we have a choice what we feed ourselves. When we have to deal with difficult people at work, we can try to select positive filling friends and family to spend off time with. When we have to deal with hard, frustrating circumstances during the day then the last thing we need to see after work is some heart breaking 11 o'clock news or a suspenseful murder mystery.
I once heard this great concept about dealing with people in tricky situations. If you need to talk to someone about something, or confront them with difficult issues, then make sure that you say 8 positive things before the 1 difficult thing. The hard to hear will not fall on such hard, cold stone if we put a nice soft landing down first! And I thought tonight... this should be applied to everything! It doesn't have to be 8 to 1. Lets say 3 to 1. That would be adequate enough to test out my idea. If someone brings us bad news, or a stressful topic enters our day or our mind, we can find 3 good things to break its fall before we "chew" it. Or if we are about to read an article on Yahoo News, and it looks like it might have some negative subject matter, we can stop and read 3 great success stories first... or think of 3 great things that Jesus did today!
And, we can do others the favor too. If we have some bad news we heard and we want or need to share, we can give them 3 positive things first. If we have something critical or difficult to say about somebody, then we can try to have 3 positive things to say about them first. It might keep us off that fine line of gossip too!
I don't know. I just realized today, how many times my mind is infiltrated with heavy topics or burdens or thoughts... and not typically because I sought it, but because it somehow entered my day. And often we can push past it without too much effort... but what about those other times? What about those times when we are in a darker season of our walk, and our load is a little heavier than usual?
Its just something I thought was kind of cool for me to do. I'm gonna try it tomorrow!
Off to sleep! Thanks Papa for an amazing day! You are so incredible!!! And I POSITIVELY, absolutely ADORE You, God!
Tuesday, March 31, 2009
Monday, March 30, 2009
Day 34: Late night reflections
I have waited until almost midnight to start this blog... which makes me... tired! Haha. But this is my discipline, my devotion and my fast! And, I had some pretty cool experiences that I've decided to just journal... like in old past diaries! Where you just talk about the day and do a play by play of what happened. It will be in that fashion... maybe!
Well today started with week 2 of Mommy and Me, a program we are doing at SOAR in BSL, designed to assist children developmentally and give parents the tools necessary to not only be good at interacting and helping their children, but also in being good advocates for their children in school! Very cool. And it was just really amazing to realize that there were two giants in the child education and development feild sitting in the same room, talking around the same table, discussing issues that have been circulating the education system for years and having real, solid, graspable solutions and intelligent assessments about these challenges! I was once again reminded of an amazing opportunity that I am standing in the midst of, and I have to say, my arms are outstreched wide ready to pull in anything they are willing to offer and teach me. Plus I got to watch baby Hunter interact with the world and that is always a fascinating, miracle of an experience!
Then, later today, Brother Dominic stopped by to ask Morgan about a question she had asked him earlier on his voicemail. He had his hand on the door and was wrapping up his "hello-goodbye" as he asked us how our day went. Suddenly it was three hours later and we had touched on an uncountable number of intriguing discussions and philosophies and topics. We talked about SOAR and all of our programs. We talked about the city and how city government works, which trickled into state goverment and kept going past federal government all the way into the current economic status of our nation. Brother shared an incredibly intelligent and very well articulated philosophy on American life and the current state of the average American physically, emotionally and spiritually, and he gave me some interesting ideas on things to write about in the future.
But the most profoundly impacting part of our discussion was listening to his testimony about being in the Vietnam refugee camps and the poverty and oppression and hopelessness he had come out of because there was no freedom or opportunity there. He said, "When I first came to America I was so sad." It took me back a little. I would have thought he would be absolutely exstatic to be away from there, and sad was not how I had heard the "promise land" spoken of before; but what he said will stick with me forever. He said that when he was in the refugee camps and there was nothing there and all you wanted was to have the resources, the money and the influence to get out, to help your friends and family and to make a difference, America had always been such a dream of all of those things. But when he got here and he saw all of the freedom that we wasted, and saw what we chose to do with our lives, and how we squandered our time and our money and our purpose, he said he was just so sad.
In Vietnam, when a child is smart and blessed enough to make it into one of the few colleges in the country, the entire family goes to work to support that student. And that student becomes a doctor or an engineer or something amazing so that they can be successful, make it out and help their family. In America, we can all go to school if we want. And when the going gets rough we drop out or change our major or only take one course a term. We take such advantage of our opportunites! I felt a little pull on my own heart when I thought about the choices I have made with my opportunities... and the ones that still sit out there... unused.
Then tonight, we went and sat with Di and talked and conversed, and she shared her own experiences of healing and realization over the last couple of weeks. And I realized after a few interesting stories and discussions tonight, that I have some healing of my own that I need to deal with. UGH. And that there are things that I thought were gone that aren't. We talked about "pink eyes", which are better than "rose-colored glasses", because we can take glasses off, but our eyes are in there! Pink eyes is an expression to describe a steady optimism and bright sided view on the hardships of life and the misgivings of the world. And I have prayed for pink eyes since I realized that I am still only wearing the glasses, taking my "pink" off in some of those more painful areas of my life. So I kind of came face to face with some of my own "issues". And that was... kinda frustrating, kinda relieving.
So overall it was just a "kick ya in the butt" kinda day, that was really intense sometimes, but really really cool!
So there. That was my day! Now GOODNIGHT! :D haha
Well today started with week 2 of Mommy and Me, a program we are doing at SOAR in BSL, designed to assist children developmentally and give parents the tools necessary to not only be good at interacting and helping their children, but also in being good advocates for their children in school! Very cool. And it was just really amazing to realize that there were two giants in the child education and development feild sitting in the same room, talking around the same table, discussing issues that have been circulating the education system for years and having real, solid, graspable solutions and intelligent assessments about these challenges! I was once again reminded of an amazing opportunity that I am standing in the midst of, and I have to say, my arms are outstreched wide ready to pull in anything they are willing to offer and teach me. Plus I got to watch baby Hunter interact with the world and that is always a fascinating, miracle of an experience!
Then, later today, Brother Dominic stopped by to ask Morgan about a question she had asked him earlier on his voicemail. He had his hand on the door and was wrapping up his "hello-goodbye" as he asked us how our day went. Suddenly it was three hours later and we had touched on an uncountable number of intriguing discussions and philosophies and topics. We talked about SOAR and all of our programs. We talked about the city and how city government works, which trickled into state goverment and kept going past federal government all the way into the current economic status of our nation. Brother shared an incredibly intelligent and very well articulated philosophy on American life and the current state of the average American physically, emotionally and spiritually, and he gave me some interesting ideas on things to write about in the future.
But the most profoundly impacting part of our discussion was listening to his testimony about being in the Vietnam refugee camps and the poverty and oppression and hopelessness he had come out of because there was no freedom or opportunity there. He said, "When I first came to America I was so sad." It took me back a little. I would have thought he would be absolutely exstatic to be away from there, and sad was not how I had heard the "promise land" spoken of before; but what he said will stick with me forever. He said that when he was in the refugee camps and there was nothing there and all you wanted was to have the resources, the money and the influence to get out, to help your friends and family and to make a difference, America had always been such a dream of all of those things. But when he got here and he saw all of the freedom that we wasted, and saw what we chose to do with our lives, and how we squandered our time and our money and our purpose, he said he was just so sad.
In Vietnam, when a child is smart and blessed enough to make it into one of the few colleges in the country, the entire family goes to work to support that student. And that student becomes a doctor or an engineer or something amazing so that they can be successful, make it out and help their family. In America, we can all go to school if we want. And when the going gets rough we drop out or change our major or only take one course a term. We take such advantage of our opportunites! I felt a little pull on my own heart when I thought about the choices I have made with my opportunities... and the ones that still sit out there... unused.
Then tonight, we went and sat with Di and talked and conversed, and she shared her own experiences of healing and realization over the last couple of weeks. And I realized after a few interesting stories and discussions tonight, that I have some healing of my own that I need to deal with. UGH. And that there are things that I thought were gone that aren't. We talked about "pink eyes", which are better than "rose-colored glasses", because we can take glasses off, but our eyes are in there! Pink eyes is an expression to describe a steady optimism and bright sided view on the hardships of life and the misgivings of the world. And I have prayed for pink eyes since I realized that I am still only wearing the glasses, taking my "pink" off in some of those more painful areas of my life. So I kind of came face to face with some of my own "issues". And that was... kinda frustrating, kinda relieving.
So overall it was just a "kick ya in the butt" kinda day, that was really intense sometimes, but really really cool!
So there. That was my day! Now GOODNIGHT! :D haha
Sunday, March 29, 2009
Day 33: Conversation Conversion!
My sister and I had a wonderful talk tonight about everything... we always do. We are extremely good at conversation together. We talk, and listen and care about what each other is feeling and thinking and saying. We give each other time to think and breath and cry if need be. We are patient with each other, looking for ways to patch in lost words or finish sentences. We translate each other's movements and can feel each others moods. We laugh and cry and whisper and talk loud. She is the best conversationalist I have ever known. We are totally open and honest and deep and real with each other in a way we can't be with anyone else. When we talk it is as if we never stopped one conversation... it is simply that life carried us off and we are getting back to the already existing exchange.And I realized that I long to converse with Jesus this way. Even more deeply in fact. I want to be able to remain in constant conversation with Him. To never have to pick up where we left off because we never left off! Father Jason said today that one of the greatest facilitators in our growth and understanding is conversation... and Jesus is the best conversationalist we can possibly wish to have.
I think it is wonderful that God has given me someone that displays His love in this way. One of my greatest desires is to learn how to "pray unceasingly"! To learn how to direct my life toward God, however dramatic or subtly the moment allows, but toward Him always. If He is always in my thoughts and my heart is desiring to draw nearer to Him, to be more like Jesus, then everything I do and say and think will become prayer. A never ceasing conversation that is more deep than any I have had. Where I am open and listening and translating His movements. Where we laugh and cry and whisper and talk loud. Where He knows me better than myself and shows me how to be better and better. Where I can tell Him anything and He can tell me anything! Where we finish each others sentences... if my sister and I can talk this way, it must be even more possible with Jesus!
And imagine what all of my conversations would look like if the one conversation that really mattered and made a difference in my life were always in progress! Every person I met along the way would simply be entering into an already existing conversation, that never loses interest and promises to bring life!
Cool night! Teach me how to converse with You like this, Jesus!
Saturday, March 28, 2009
Day 32: Show me...
So many times a day I get into an unfixable, untalkable, unmaneuverable moment. There are no perfect words... in fact, there is no perfect silence. There are no semi-good words or silences! I am stuck. I am at a loss. Some people seem never to enter these moments... or they seem to always know exactly what to do when they come... so I think they are either as wise as Solomon, or the best actors I have ever know. I am not one of these people. I seem always in the midst of some unexpected perplexing predicament.
Some days I know such unbelievable hope, that I feel as though these things will never bother me again! But... some times, like tonight, the only thing that I wonder is, how could I have done today better? It's not a question sprung from anger... not even frustration or despair... I just long to know how and when some of these... more perplexing predicaments of life will be easier, let a lone avoidable or possible to approach at all.
Show me, God. If I am standing in my own way, which I know I am in more ways that I can see or fathom right now, and keeping myself from growth, search my heart oh, God... and show me Your ways. Show me what I need to see and understand, to overcome the confusion and the loss of the "unfixable" moments.
To change you really have to want to change... and it is a bigger prayer than people think it is... but I, again, with DEEPER sincerity and understanding of what I am asking, and with a more completely willing heart, pray, God, that You show me what You want from me... what do You want me to see? learn? give up? practice? do? change? whatever?! ALL of me, is Yours to do with whatever You want, Jesus! show me...
Some days I know such unbelievable hope, that I feel as though these things will never bother me again! But... some times, like tonight, the only thing that I wonder is, how could I have done today better? It's not a question sprung from anger... not even frustration or despair... I just long to know how and when some of these... more perplexing predicaments of life will be easier, let a lone avoidable or possible to approach at all.
Show me, God. If I am standing in my own way, which I know I am in more ways that I can see or fathom right now, and keeping myself from growth, search my heart oh, God... and show me Your ways. Show me what I need to see and understand, to overcome the confusion and the loss of the "unfixable" moments.
To change you really have to want to change... and it is a bigger prayer than people think it is... but I, again, with DEEPER sincerity and understanding of what I am asking, and with a more completely willing heart, pray, God, that You show me what You want from me... what do You want me to see? learn? give up? practice? do? change? whatever?! ALL of me, is Yours to do with whatever You want, Jesus! show me...
Friday, March 27, 2009
Day 31: This crazy fast
I remember tonight why God gave me this fast... because it is so hard some nights! And if it weren't for this discipline there are many nights that I wouldn't even attempt to push past my writer's block and write anyway. Some of the most revealing nights of my fast have been a result of pushing past myself and finding God there. I have always had this OBNOXIOUS habit of getting between God and me...
The biggest challenge has been writing even at the end of a long day when I'm tired and my brain seems to have checked out. But even there I have noticed a purpose... so many of these daily entries, as I look back, are full of heart... perhaps because my brain has been at the end of its working rope. My thoughts have not been overpowering, but rather, the things that surface are matters of the heart.
Other lessons of the fast:
I need meat. I long for it. I need protein packed sustenance. There are just so many vegetables and carbs a person can consume before they realize they need more. Veggies are the vitamins and fibers. Carbs are the sweets. And meat gives us nourishment and minerals. A balance of all are important. Just like... OUR SPIRITUAL LIFE... are you surprised?
I need to take more from my spiritual life than just the fillers or the sweets or the easy to digest. There are also those things that build spiritual muscle. The spiritual "meats", full of life building "proteins" that my spirit longs for more of. This fast has been about my need for more.
My need to go deeper.
The biggest challenge has been writing even at the end of a long day when I'm tired and my brain seems to have checked out. But even there I have noticed a purpose... so many of these daily entries, as I look back, are full of heart... perhaps because my brain has been at the end of its working rope. My thoughts have not been overpowering, but rather, the things that surface are matters of the heart.
Other lessons of the fast:
I need meat. I long for it. I need protein packed sustenance. There are just so many vegetables and carbs a person can consume before they realize they need more. Veggies are the vitamins and fibers. Carbs are the sweets. And meat gives us nourishment and minerals. A balance of all are important. Just like... OUR SPIRITUAL LIFE... are you surprised?
I need to take more from my spiritual life than just the fillers or the sweets or the easy to digest. There are also those things that build spiritual muscle. The spiritual "meats", full of life building "proteins" that my spirit longs for more of. This fast has been about my need for more.
My need to go deeper.
Thursday, March 26, 2009
Day 30: Little drummer girl
I love Christmas music... always have. It is probably one of my favorite parts of the Christmas season. My favorite Christmas song, like even as a really young girl, has always been Little Drummer Boy. Ever heard that one?
Ba rumpa bump bummm...
It's about a little boy with nothing to give to the new born baby Jesus. No silver or gold or jewels or expensive spices or scents. No fine fabrics, no livestock, nothing of significant worldly value. Just a poor boy with a drum. In all his humility the boy still comes to Jesus... despite what the world might have to say about him. Despite what they might think. Though he had nothing to place at the feet of Jesus. He still came...
And he offered what he had. He offered his talent. He offered to play his best for Jesus. He offered to PLAY HIS HEART OUT FOR JESUS! And he did! And what was the reception? Jesus smiled...
:) What a cool song.
I remember I would run around the house as a kid with a pot in one hand, a spoon in the other, singing Little Drummer Boy at the top of my lungs; driving my mother crazy I'm sure. And sometimes when I close my eyes I can still see me, pot in hand, marching around the house. And sitting here tonight I imagine that I am often still just a poor girl, with no gift fit for a King, with a pot for a drum and wooden spoon for a drum stick, playing my heart out for Jesus. I just hope that when I'm done... He smiles.
Good night my King... ba rumpa bump bum... :)
Ba rumpa bump bummm...
It's about a little boy with nothing to give to the new born baby Jesus. No silver or gold or jewels or expensive spices or scents. No fine fabrics, no livestock, nothing of significant worldly value. Just a poor boy with a drum. In all his humility the boy still comes to Jesus... despite what the world might have to say about him. Despite what they might think. Though he had nothing to place at the feet of Jesus. He still came...
And he offered what he had. He offered his talent. He offered to play his best for Jesus. He offered to PLAY HIS HEART OUT FOR JESUS! And he did! And what was the reception? Jesus smiled...
:) What a cool song.
I remember I would run around the house as a kid with a pot in one hand, a spoon in the other, singing Little Drummer Boy at the top of my lungs; driving my mother crazy I'm sure. And sometimes when I close my eyes I can still see me, pot in hand, marching around the house. And sitting here tonight I imagine that I am often still just a poor girl, with no gift fit for a King, with a pot for a drum and wooden spoon for a drum stick, playing my heart out for Jesus. I just hope that when I'm done... He smiles.
Good night my King... ba rumpa bump bum... :)
Wednesday, March 25, 2009
Day 29: Confirmation is coming!
Today Chiquita, my RCIA teacher, gave me such a glimmer of excitement and joy for my impending confirmation that it is the only thing that comes to mind as I meet God tonight. We came in and sat down and she looked around the room, silently, with a big grin on her face and said, "we are nearing the end of this journey, class!" And I was so encouraged in the direction that God is leading me.
But it was when she described to us the experience of our first communion, and her typically even personality burst into a joyous pose and she cupped her hands in front of her and described the first receiving of bread and the feeling of utter closeness with God as you take part in the Eucharist for the first time, that I felt such a renewed comfort and peace in my journey. A happiness spread over the entire room and a shared anticipation to take the awe inspiring, mysterious Eucharist fell over everyone of the candidates. Rhonda said, "Oh I'm gonna be dancing up the aisles." And we practiced a little in our excitement and laughed, and I was so glad... glad to be where I am, surrounded by those that God has surrounded me with, surprised at where my willingness to obey God has brought me, ecstatic to be blessed to be part of the only church I have ever met God so completely, thoroughly and powerfully at, and at total peace despite my inner curiosities and inquiries of my future.
What a wonderful, unpredictable ride this life with Christ is turning out to be!
But it was when she described to us the experience of our first communion, and her typically even personality burst into a joyous pose and she cupped her hands in front of her and described the first receiving of bread and the feeling of utter closeness with God as you take part in the Eucharist for the first time, that I felt such a renewed comfort and peace in my journey. A happiness spread over the entire room and a shared anticipation to take the awe inspiring, mysterious Eucharist fell over everyone of the candidates. Rhonda said, "Oh I'm gonna be dancing up the aisles." And we practiced a little in our excitement and laughed, and I was so glad... glad to be where I am, surrounded by those that God has surrounded me with, surprised at where my willingness to obey God has brought me, ecstatic to be blessed to be part of the only church I have ever met God so completely, thoroughly and powerfully at, and at total peace despite my inner curiosities and inquiries of my future.
What a wonderful, unpredictable ride this life with Christ is turning out to be!
Tuesday, March 24, 2009
Day 28: Frosted or Flowing?
"He sends forth His Word and it melts them: at the breath of his mouth the waters flow." Psalm 147.
For so long our hearts lay frozen in our bodies. The pain stored within them. Our ideas of life and love. Our interpretation of what life has been, what it is and what it ought to be. It is water... life giving... but it is frozen and opaque, solidifying our hearts so that nothing can move or flow or bring life.
As we move Jesus into our hearts... He sends forth His word... He comes and melts the interior of our hearts... at the breath of His mouth the waters flow. All the potential of life within us has begun to run from room to room, trickling down every step and across every wall, cascading into the depths of our identities and hopes and dreams, transforming our lives and turning our heart from cold, stone, icebergs to tropical pools, teeming with life!
But sometimes, though our hearts are flowing with living water within, we allow our windows to remain frosted. The life inside stays coolly hidden behind the ice covered view points of our hearts so that all that can be seen might be the impression or glimmering prospect of what is going on within. From comfort sometimes, or from fear, we only let the warm waters lick the windows of our hearts when we are with those we are willing to reveal our transformations to. Perhaps we are afraid to reveal those still lingering messes. Or we are frighted we will overwhelm the world with our sudden change and we won't be taken seriously... but all the good and all the hope that is within us is hidden from view as well!
It is these truths, good and bad, clean and in the process of being cleaned, that bring the vision of LIFE to the world. If we FILL our inner rooms with the flowing waters of Christ then it will melt the frost on our windows so that nothing but our found truth and life can be seen! In fact when we let God fill our hearts to the brim with the living, flowing Love of Jesus they become so full that the water bursts through the windows and breaks open the doors and overflows into the streets and into the homes of those around us...
...let my heart know such a filling!!!!!!!!!!!!! AND LET IT NEVER STOP FILLING, FLOWING AND SPILLING INTO THE STREETS!!!!!!!!
For so long our hearts lay frozen in our bodies. The pain stored within them. Our ideas of life and love. Our interpretation of what life has been, what it is and what it ought to be. It is water... life giving... but it is frozen and opaque, solidifying our hearts so that nothing can move or flow or bring life.
As we move Jesus into our hearts... He sends forth His word... He comes and melts the interior of our hearts... at the breath of His mouth the waters flow. All the potential of life within us has begun to run from room to room, trickling down every step and across every wall, cascading into the depths of our identities and hopes and dreams, transforming our lives and turning our heart from cold, stone, icebergs to tropical pools, teeming with life!
But sometimes, though our hearts are flowing with living water within, we allow our windows to remain frosted. The life inside stays coolly hidden behind the ice covered view points of our hearts so that all that can be seen might be the impression or glimmering prospect of what is going on within. From comfort sometimes, or from fear, we only let the warm waters lick the windows of our hearts when we are with those we are willing to reveal our transformations to. Perhaps we are afraid to reveal those still lingering messes. Or we are frighted we will overwhelm the world with our sudden change and we won't be taken seriously... but all the good and all the hope that is within us is hidden from view as well!
It is these truths, good and bad, clean and in the process of being cleaned, that bring the vision of LIFE to the world. If we FILL our inner rooms with the flowing waters of Christ then it will melt the frost on our windows so that nothing but our found truth and life can be seen! In fact when we let God fill our hearts to the brim with the living, flowing Love of Jesus they become so full that the water bursts through the windows and breaks open the doors and overflows into the streets and into the homes of those around us...
...let my heart know such a filling!!!!!!!!!!!!! AND LET IT NEVER STOP FILLING, FLOWING AND SPILLING INTO THE STREETS!!!!!!!!
Monday, March 23, 2009
Day 27: Silent Night
I am not in the mood to talk... or blog even. I don't know why. I'm kind of frumpy. UGH. I hate when I'm frumpy! TAKE FRUMPINESS OUT OF MY LIFE JESUS, PLEASE!!! FOREVER AND EVER AND EVER. sigh.
Blocked. Oh, wait... nope. Still blocked...
Words? Anything......................
I guess, sometimes, my brain just hits overload. I call it the over-filled-brain-plate. I decided that just now. The problem isn't really that my head is so empty that I can't think of anything to say, it's that there is so much crammed in there that I can't think of where to start. Lots of thoughts. Lots of emotions. Lots of memories. Lots of hopes... wishes... prayers... questions. This has always been an issue with me I'm afraid. I have a hard time getting started. Once I'm rollin' I can't really be stopped... not easily... but getting me going can be like pulling teeth. Not because I'm intentionally trying to frustrate anyone, or because I love to be frustrated, but just because I legitimately have a hard time getting out of the gate.
Once I got up in front of a class and just stood there. Seriously. Lock jaw. Gaping. Nothing. So the assistant teacher asked me a question. Nothing complicated. I think he asked me what date what I was talking about started. BOOM. Its like I went from zero to sixty in 1.2 seconds. I just needed a starting point. I needed someone to tell me where to begin and my knowledge of the topic launched me from there. It really wasn't an awful speech.
Is this a blog or a diary entry? Is there a difference? A blogging requirement? I don't know. But its what I have tonight. A little self discovery. I do know this: I will go to bed with many requests and prayers for insight on my heart and on my lips. Its something!
Ha! :)
Night.
Blocked. Oh, wait... nope. Still blocked...
Words? Anything......................
I guess, sometimes, my brain just hits overload. I call it the over-filled-brain-plate. I decided that just now. The problem isn't really that my head is so empty that I can't think of anything to say, it's that there is so much crammed in there that I can't think of where to start. Lots of thoughts. Lots of emotions. Lots of memories. Lots of hopes... wishes... prayers... questions. This has always been an issue with me I'm afraid. I have a hard time getting started. Once I'm rollin' I can't really be stopped... not easily... but getting me going can be like pulling teeth. Not because I'm intentionally trying to frustrate anyone, or because I love to be frustrated, but just because I legitimately have a hard time getting out of the gate.
Once I got up in front of a class and just stood there. Seriously. Lock jaw. Gaping. Nothing. So the assistant teacher asked me a question. Nothing complicated. I think he asked me what date what I was talking about started. BOOM. Its like I went from zero to sixty in 1.2 seconds. I just needed a starting point. I needed someone to tell me where to begin and my knowledge of the topic launched me from there. It really wasn't an awful speech.
Is this a blog or a diary entry? Is there a difference? A blogging requirement? I don't know. But its what I have tonight. A little self discovery. I do know this: I will go to bed with many requests and prayers for insight on my heart and on my lips. Its something!
Ha! :)
Night.
Sunday, March 22, 2009
Day 26: 2nd Scrutiny at dawn
I woke early this morning... a rarely attempted endeavor. But this morning, it was worth it. This morning was 2nd scrutiny! My first observation was, "wow, look how many people are at church at 7am."
My second was, "isn't it amazing that we are introduced to each different sub community of the larger community that is the entire St. Rose parish."
We were asked again what our reason for entering the Catholic church was, and I was at total peace this morning when i answered. Maybe I wasn't completely awake yet, haha, but I prayed before I stood that God would give me words to speak... and really He did! He is calling me toward Himself into something completely new and different, and quite honestly a little bit strange, and I am simply following, because I cannot endure to be where He is not!
P.S.
I am grateful to my wonderful sponsor who was totally prepared to come and pull me out of bed by the feet if I slept through my alarm... thank God that she didn't have to! But really, I am blessed. In so many ways.
Now... I will go to bed early, because the early morning today, combined with a lot of late nights and early mornings this last week, has me slightly... exhausted! Haha. So I will go rest in the arms of Jesus and get a sweet and peaceful long night's sleep! :D
Night Jesus! You are the best!
My second was, "isn't it amazing that we are introduced to each different sub community of the larger community that is the entire St. Rose parish."
We were asked again what our reason for entering the Catholic church was, and I was at total peace this morning when i answered. Maybe I wasn't completely awake yet, haha, but I prayed before I stood that God would give me words to speak... and really He did! He is calling me toward Himself into something completely new and different, and quite honestly a little bit strange, and I am simply following, because I cannot endure to be where He is not!
P.S.
I am grateful to my wonderful sponsor who was totally prepared to come and pull me out of bed by the feet if I slept through my alarm... thank God that she didn't have to! But really, I am blessed. In so many ways.
Now... I will go to bed early, because the early morning today, combined with a lot of late nights and early mornings this last week, has me slightly... exhausted! Haha. So I will go rest in the arms of Jesus and get a sweet and peaceful long night's sleep! :D
Night Jesus! You are the best!
Saturday, March 21, 2009
Day 25: Power tripper
I have always wanted to protect my sister. I was first born. I was brave. I was quick witted and quick moving. I just knew it was my born duty: Don't let an ounce of harm come to my little sister. We were always the closest two people that anyone had ever met. Twins often have an indescribable closeness that can't be understood. It is the most natural thing in the world... if you are a twin. Otherwise, it is hard to fathom. While it is a bond that is unique and unbelievably intricate and close, it is a bond riddled with false roles and misunderstandings. Twins, in my experience, have HORRIBLE boundaries. I mean one can easily see why, the most natural relationship in the world to them is one that is almost without borders and restrictions. Even in the womb there is no personal space or experience.
And then, when you try to collide the twin world with the "real" world, it often results in unhealthy relationships. The world will often takes advantage of such boundaries... not because it means to do such harm, but because it consists of humans. We allow those who don't know relationships like ours to have the same boundaries with us. We try to love everyone like we love each other, not realizing that so many can't love us back that way... they simply do not know how.
Growing up... loving someone as dearly as I did at such a young age... my little girl heart wanted to protect that other more than anything else on earth. Even if it meant holding the other back... or withholding herself from the world in order to stay back and protect. And when I couldn't protect... when the world hurt her anyway, despite all my strength and effort... I hated myself. I hated the the harmfuls. And my job only became more important. It could not happen again! Oh, how long I have locked myself and my sister in that need. How many opportunities I have let slip by. How many joys I have sacrificed for us both.
But more importantly... what breaks my heart to realize... is how many times I have stood in the way between her and Christ, and kept her from living. I have been such a power tripper! I thought I could be strong enough to keep anything from hurting her ever. The hardest thing I have ever given up, in my life ever, was the job of protecting Heather. But I realize, despite how much it rips at my heart to let her go, that only Christ has the strength and the power to truly protect her. I can only do what He gives me. I can only pray that He protects her. I have wanted to be the closest thing to her so that I can always keep her safe and out of harm beneath my battered and inadequately sized wing... I have wanted her closer to me than to Christ...
Oh, forgive me Jesus...
Show me what life looks like after this. Show me how to really let her go. Be her everything, as You are mine. I am so sorry.
And then, when you try to collide the twin world with the "real" world, it often results in unhealthy relationships. The world will often takes advantage of such boundaries... not because it means to do such harm, but because it consists of humans. We allow those who don't know relationships like ours to have the same boundaries with us. We try to love everyone like we love each other, not realizing that so many can't love us back that way... they simply do not know how.
Growing up... loving someone as dearly as I did at such a young age... my little girl heart wanted to protect that other more than anything else on earth. Even if it meant holding the other back... or withholding herself from the world in order to stay back and protect. And when I couldn't protect... when the world hurt her anyway, despite all my strength and effort... I hated myself. I hated the the harmfuls. And my job only became more important. It could not happen again! Oh, how long I have locked myself and my sister in that need. How many opportunities I have let slip by. How many joys I have sacrificed for us both.
But more importantly... what breaks my heart to realize... is how many times I have stood in the way between her and Christ, and kept her from living. I have been such a power tripper! I thought I could be strong enough to keep anything from hurting her ever. The hardest thing I have ever given up, in my life ever, was the job of protecting Heather. But I realize, despite how much it rips at my heart to let her go, that only Christ has the strength and the power to truly protect her. I can only do what He gives me. I can only pray that He protects her. I have wanted to be the closest thing to her so that I can always keep her safe and out of harm beneath my battered and inadequately sized wing... I have wanted her closer to me than to Christ...
Oh, forgive me Jesus...
Show me what life looks like after this. Show me how to really let her go. Be her everything, as You are mine. I am so sorry.
Friday, March 20, 2009
Day 24: Healing and Mother Mary
I made a realization about Mother Mary tonight and her place in so many people's lives. I have struggled with understanding her role in Catholic life and faith. But, if we can get past the stereotypes and the apprehensions we have about Mother Mary, there is an amazing gift that her place in Christ's life and in our history has to offer. Christ manifest himself in His mother. God would not have put Christ's upbringing into the careless arms of an abusive or frustrated woman. He CHOSE Mary for her task because He chose someone that would not only nurture and embrace Him until He was grown as He wanted, but because she would be willing to see all that God had for Him and still be willing to accept His purpose, embrace His nature and support Him throughout His life. As she raised up Christ by God's provision and grace, she would learn, more than most, who He was and how He lived. She would have the greatest opportunity to reflect Him. And to be successful at raising God's only Son, she would need the help of God Himself to do it! And so, she became, in essence, "World's #1 Mom".
And I realized tonight, as God showed up huge, what His purpose for Mary was as Christ's mother, in the Word, and for our lives... sometimes it is not a father figure that we need to speak into our lives, especially when we are not yet ready or willing to receive direction in that way. Sometimes, in order to heal and feel safe enough to be vulnerable and exposed enough to heal, we need the loving arms of a mother... the gentle touch of a caring mom, who can accept Christ's purpose for our lives, embrace us without judgment or expectation and support us while God works us through some of the harder things in our lives. Christ, for us, is manifest in the tenderness and sincerity of a compassionate and loving mother... like Mama Mary. Like the mothers of my life... those that are willing and wanting to care and love for God's children when He needs to open up some of the places in our hearts that we won't allow a father to go. Those places that just can't seem to get to on our own... where we need Christ's help!
It has been a late night... but it seems so short! It's been a hard night... but I'm changed for life... again! WOW! I feel like I am constantly changing for life! Haha. I'm beginning to see a pattern here... hmmmmmmmm
Good night dear Jesus... mother, brother, friend, savior... thanks... again.
And I realized tonight, as God showed up huge, what His purpose for Mary was as Christ's mother, in the Word, and for our lives... sometimes it is not a father figure that we need to speak into our lives, especially when we are not yet ready or willing to receive direction in that way. Sometimes, in order to heal and feel safe enough to be vulnerable and exposed enough to heal, we need the loving arms of a mother... the gentle touch of a caring mom, who can accept Christ's purpose for our lives, embrace us without judgment or expectation and support us while God works us through some of the harder things in our lives. Christ, for us, is manifest in the tenderness and sincerity of a compassionate and loving mother... like Mama Mary. Like the mothers of my life... those that are willing and wanting to care and love for God's children when He needs to open up some of the places in our hearts that we won't allow a father to go. Those places that just can't seem to get to on our own... where we need Christ's help!
It has been a late night... but it seems so short! It's been a hard night... but I'm changed for life... again! WOW! I feel like I am constantly changing for life! Haha. I'm beginning to see a pattern here... hmmmmmmmm
Good night dear Jesus... mother, brother, friend, savior... thanks... again.
Thursday, March 19, 2009
Day 23: Heartbreaking
I am reading a series of books called the Zion Chronicles right now about a group of Zionists during Partition in Israel in the middle of the 20th Century. The first book, which I finished today, was incredible. Bodie and Brock Thoene are incredible writers, and God knows I love a good fiction, but these books are different. These are historical fictions. So while the characters and the adventures are usually fiction, the setting and the time line are set in real history. There is something about knowing that these events are real that effects me more deeply as I read.There is something about reading of the human suffering and pain, and maneuvering my imagination through real events and nightmares that stirs my heart differently. I have always been a soppy reader and movie watcher. I get easily invested into the characters and swept away in the story... but then it is over and I go on. But when I am reading about the characters in The Gates of Zion dealing with the emotions and hardships of the Ben Yehuda Street bombing of the 1940s, and I know that it is not a well thought out twist to the plot but a reality, I can't just remove it from me after the page turns. And my heart aches for those things that happened...
My eternal curiosity caused me to look up the bombing, to try and find photographs like the ones described in the book. What I found broke my heart. Not only were there plenty of pictures from the bombing, with men scrambling through the devastated ruins of their city searching for survivors, but there were pictures of bombings throughout the last fifty years. Two suicide bombers killed over a dozen innocent people in 2001. Pictures of the covered bodies of those that lost their lives to some angry cause and pictures of dazed, innocent survivors are scattered all over the internet. In articles, in blogs, on websites...
One article lead me to another to another, until I was reading personal accounts of the Gaza war from people on the front lines. Some of the accounts are so full of hope, some are not. Some are filled with God, some are just angry... Oh, it must break your heart Papa... It must... It breaks mine.
I pray for peace there... I pray that You are with Israel in their suffering... I pray You deliver them from the hands of their enemies... I pray for the love of Christ to infiltrate all sides... I pray for love, peace, grace, mercy... I pray...
Day 22: I searched for myself, and found joy
While we kayaked over the beautiful and peaceful waters of the Jordan River in Mississippi, Jo and I had the opportunity to talk about the changes in our lives since the last time we were together. When she was here last summer I noticed that she was so often sad and struggling. Life was very gray for her. But now, 10 months later, she seems much happier; brighter. She is laughing again. True, deep laughter... and she smiles so much more! And when I asked her why she said, "I don't know. I guess I'm just happier. And I've discovered my identity."
"Really? What did you find out about yourself?"
"That I'm not all the things that people told me I was. Not even the good things. I'm just me." And she beamed over at me from her wobbling kayak.
I nodded... and smiled. I knew what Jo meant. Often our identities get as lost in the positive feedback as they do in the negative. God has given us an identity and only He truly understands it. Only He can give it goodness or purpose. We are what Christ makes us. So... if we find our identities, what we should find is not a list of qualities and weaknesses, gifts and achievables... but simply... JOY! Because we are confident and comfortable in who Christ has made us, and is making us!
"Really? What did you find out about yourself?"
"That I'm not all the things that people told me I was. Not even the good things. I'm just me." And she beamed over at me from her wobbling kayak.
I nodded... and smiled. I knew what Jo meant. Often our identities get as lost in the positive feedback as they do in the negative. God has given us an identity and only He truly understands it. Only He can give it goodness or purpose. We are what Christ makes us. So... if we find our identities, what we should find is not a list of qualities and weaknesses, gifts and achievables... but simply... JOY! Because we are confident and comfortable in who Christ has made us, and is making us!
Day 21: The Walter Anderson Museum
(I have been away from a computer for the last 2 nights, but I am copying my hand written entries so I can preserve them by electronically filing them.)
We visited the Walter Anderson museum today and it was amazing. Walter Anderson was one with a great ability to perceive! He could see the world in it glory and its beauty... and without needing to understand it all, he could mirror it in art. There are two general concepts in almost every piece of work he did that I saw today: upward motion and continuity. Everything was connected. If the canvas did not end neither would the picture. Like all art, there are many things you can observe and so many things to say and see, but quite honestly the greatest observation I could articulate is that Walter Anderson saw beauty in its rawest, most primitive way, and his work, whether he intended it or not, is worship! Everything seemed to speak out some unspoken thankfulness and awe. Everything was so much bigger than he thought of himself. God is so present in all of his works and I wonder how aware of that Walter Anderson was... does he know what life he saw?
They say he had a nervous breakdown. I can't help but wonder if it was because he could see the beauty of life, of glory and of God and he could paint it... and most of the world could not. Most fo the world could not perceive the optimism of creation and so he always battled...
I can only imagine the look his face when he stepped into the gates of heaven. I bet he wished he could have brought his paints! I hope he knew then...
Another interesting observation I had was that in Walter Anderson's full room art, he never could find good things to paint on the ceilings. The beauty he saw was around him, not when he looked up. I thought to myself, "my ceilings would be covered with bright things"... his were not.
Also... the window and door frames are never a part of the works in his room art. Rather he paints them as tricked out borders to what is beyond them... as if he were simply framing the art work of the creation visible through them. He had such an appreciation and reverance for God's creation and beauty.
On the door wall leading in to the last room we saw (the "little room" they call it), there is a psalm hung up that Walter Anderson wrote on a shabby peice of notebook paper. When you enter the room it is bright and full of life and joy and beauty and hope and greatfulness... it is the psalms, painted! Walter Anderson worshipped God with his art and his paint, like David with his music and his dancing.
It was a beautiful and powerful experience to witness the worship of Walter Anderson's life.
My prayer: That I could live out life much as Walter Anderson could see it. That I would live deeply and gratefully and fill the walls of my life with worship and praise of God's beauty, mercy and grace!
We visited the Walter Anderson museum today and it was amazing. Walter Anderson was one with a great ability to perceive! He could see the world in it glory and its beauty... and without needing to understand it all, he could mirror it in art. There are two general concepts in almost every piece of work he did that I saw today: upward motion and continuity. Everything was connected. If the canvas did not end neither would the picture. Like all art, there are many things you can observe and so many things to say and see, but quite honestly the greatest observation I could articulate is that Walter Anderson saw beauty in its rawest, most primitive way, and his work, whether he intended it or not, is worship! Everything seemed to speak out some unspoken thankfulness and awe. Everything was so much bigger than he thought of himself. God is so present in all of his works and I wonder how aware of that Walter Anderson was... does he know what life he saw?They say he had a nervous breakdown. I can't help but wonder if it was because he could see the beauty of life, of glory and of God and he could paint it... and most of the world could not. Most fo the world could not perceive the optimism of creation and so he always battled...
I can only imagine the look his face when he stepped into the gates of heaven. I bet he wished he could have brought his paints! I hope he knew then...
Another interesting observation I had was that in Walter Anderson's full room art, he never could find good things to paint on the ceilings. The beauty he saw was around him, not when he looked up. I thought to myself, "my ceilings would be covered with bright things"... his were not.
Also... the window and door frames are never a part of the works in his room art. Rather he paints them as tricked out borders to what is beyond them... as if he were simply framing the art work of the creation visible through them. He had such an appreciation and reverance for God's creation and beauty.
On the door wall leading in to the last room we saw (the "little room" they call it), there is a psalm hung up that Walter Anderson wrote on a shabby peice of notebook paper. When you enter the room it is bright and full of life and joy and beauty and hope and greatfulness... it is the psalms, painted! Walter Anderson worshipped God with his art and his paint, like David with his music and his dancing.
It was a beautiful and powerful experience to witness the worship of Walter Anderson's life.
My prayer: That I could live out life much as Walter Anderson could see it. That I would live deeply and gratefully and fill the walls of my life with worship and praise of God's beauty, mercy and grace!
Monday, March 16, 2009
Day 20: Going In
Most breathed words of this last year: "There is One that lives inside of me that is greater than myself, and His name is JESUS CHRIST OF NAZERETH!"
Christ lives and dwells INSIDE of me! In the Word, Jesus calls us to go into our chambers, shut the door and pray. Our chamber, the dwelling where we meet Jesus in prayer... and it is forever stationed within our hearts! So, there is always somewhere to go and pray and experience the deeps with my God. There is always some place that is between Jesus and I, and it is within the inner chambers of my heart. This concept is the missing key to understanding how to stay in the precense of God and stay in constant prayer, as Paul mentions is detrimental to our spiritual lives!
Is it attainable? Will I ever allow God total access to my heart, mind, body and soul no matter what I am doing, where I am going or who I am with? I long for it. I pray for it. I want to learn how to always BE and never feel the need to DO! Because everything that needs to get DONE will get done whilst I am just BEING! It may seem a little cryptic, but I have seen the difference between those that mostly DO and those that mostly just BE; and though both experience their fair share of struggle, suffering, and challenge, those that have learned to BE understand God and His presence astronimically more than those that have not.
I am still in such a place that I WANT to just BE, but it is deep in the midst of DOING that I recall what it means to BE still and KNOW THAT GOD IS GOD!
...Less and less do I find myself forgetting God in my busyness, and more and more am I remembering at that point of realization that there IS a choice... do I remain outside the presence and continue to DO? or shall I go in, meet God in the inner chambers of my heart, and just BE?!
I'm learnin' to go in!
Christ lives and dwells INSIDE of me! In the Word, Jesus calls us to go into our chambers, shut the door and pray. Our chamber, the dwelling where we meet Jesus in prayer... and it is forever stationed within our hearts! So, there is always somewhere to go and pray and experience the deeps with my God. There is always some place that is between Jesus and I, and it is within the inner chambers of my heart. This concept is the missing key to understanding how to stay in the precense of God and stay in constant prayer, as Paul mentions is detrimental to our spiritual lives!
Is it attainable? Will I ever allow God total access to my heart, mind, body and soul no matter what I am doing, where I am going or who I am with? I long for it. I pray for it. I want to learn how to always BE and never feel the need to DO! Because everything that needs to get DONE will get done whilst I am just BEING! It may seem a little cryptic, but I have seen the difference between those that mostly DO and those that mostly just BE; and though both experience their fair share of struggle, suffering, and challenge, those that have learned to BE understand God and His presence astronimically more than those that have not.
I am still in such a place that I WANT to just BE, but it is deep in the midst of DOING that I recall what it means to BE still and KNOW THAT GOD IS GOD!
...Less and less do I find myself forgetting God in my busyness, and more and more am I remembering at that point of realization that there IS a choice... do I remain outside the presence and continue to DO? or shall I go in, meet God in the inner chambers of my heart, and just BE?!
I'm learnin' to go in!
Sunday, March 15, 2009
Day 19: Sleepy!
Well today was up... and today was down... and tonight I am tired. But the day was victorious in so many ways! I overcame some fears today and learned to use my humility and patience... I also failed to use both a few times... but I am reminded that we all fail and that it isn't how we fall but rather that we continue to get up... again and again. And that we get 1%, or sometimes only .1%, closer to being what God wants us to be. And that is progress! Tomorrow will bring new opportunities to practice my patience and humility and love, and walk more thoroughly in who God has made me, and I only pray that I will do better tomorrow than I did today... and thank God that I did better today than I did yesterday. AMEN
P.S.
Life with God never does cease to be challenging, humbling and stretching... but life without God isn't life... life without God is ultimate death.
So give me train wrecking, mountain-climbing, rough riding, two-by-four smacking, enlightening, invigorating, life giving, deep diving, super shining, glorious LIFE, any day!!! YEAH!
P.S.
Life with God never does cease to be challenging, humbling and stretching... but life without God isn't life... life without God is ultimate death.
So give me train wrecking, mountain-climbing, rough riding, two-by-four smacking, enlightening, invigorating, life giving, deep diving, super shining, glorious LIFE, any day!!! YEAH!
Saturday, March 14, 2009
Day 18: Consider Yourself Lucky
Father Sebastian told us a story today about when he was a boy... He had a curfew set for 6 pm! And he always envied his friends that had late curfews or none. (I bet!) His daily schedule consisted of waking up, going to classes, getting 1 hour to play, get home, do lessons, pray with his family, do more lessons, go to bed and repeat. Even weekends he was required to be home and in by 6pm. I laughed in disbelief while he told the story because I was one of those kids he would have envied, and it seemed a little intense. So one day he complained to his friend Benny, "you are so lucky! You can stay out and play as long as you want!" Then Father said, "I will never forget Benny's response."
Benji told him, "You are the lucky one. My family has given up on me. They do not care. You are very lucky to have people that care whether you do the right thing or not."
"God," Father Sebastian went on, "is like this. He gives us commandments and restrictions so that we might understand the truth of His freedom and His love for us. So many people think that freedom is being able to do whatever we want. But you cannot have real freedom without truth."
I know how true everything he said is. God gives us restriction and requires things of us BECAUSE HE CARES FOR US! And I realized today, as I stood before the church for my first scrutiny, was prayed for by everyone, and as Father Sebastian looked with the caring love of a father figure at the children of God before him, that God is showing me and providing me family right now... on so many levels.
Aside from those that God has given me as my spiritual nuclear family, the ones that have reached into my life and shown me true care and family in ways I can never fully express or repay, there is my ever widening family that God continues to reveal to me through my current walk in Catholicism.
Father Sebastian cares for every confirmation student, requiring that they not only sit through the RCIA classes and come to church but that they learn and grow and walk in their instruction. My family spreads as there is the also the St. Rose community, that cheers and prays for everyone coming in to the church, agreeing to care for every member. The entire church agrees to include everyone and lift one another up with encouragement and prayer. And then, Catholicism itself offers a unified "family" that spreads over the entire world, uniting everyone willing, to join the giant church family, lead and centered around Jesus Christ. No matter where you go, you are home, with your "family".
Each level of family has its own requirements, structure and responsibilities. Each member is called to instruct, and to allow for instruction. Tradition offers specific insight and understanding into different requirements for us as individuals and members of a unified family assigned us by God. We are cared for, required of, and shown "true freedom" in a variety of powerful and impacting ways.
Not only was I encouraged today, but I am convinced that God is in control and has great purpose and design for where I am and where I am headed. I consider myself very lucky! Very BLESSED!
Benji told him, "You are the lucky one. My family has given up on me. They do not care. You are very lucky to have people that care whether you do the right thing or not."
"God," Father Sebastian went on, "is like this. He gives us commandments and restrictions so that we might understand the truth of His freedom and His love for us. So many people think that freedom is being able to do whatever we want. But you cannot have real freedom without truth."
I know how true everything he said is. God gives us restriction and requires things of us BECAUSE HE CARES FOR US! And I realized today, as I stood before the church for my first scrutiny, was prayed for by everyone, and as Father Sebastian looked with the caring love of a father figure at the children of God before him, that God is showing me and providing me family right now... on so many levels.
Aside from those that God has given me as my spiritual nuclear family, the ones that have reached into my life and shown me true care and family in ways I can never fully express or repay, there is my ever widening family that God continues to reveal to me through my current walk in Catholicism.
Father Sebastian cares for every confirmation student, requiring that they not only sit through the RCIA classes and come to church but that they learn and grow and walk in their instruction. My family spreads as there is the also the St. Rose community, that cheers and prays for everyone coming in to the church, agreeing to care for every member. The entire church agrees to include everyone and lift one another up with encouragement and prayer. And then, Catholicism itself offers a unified "family" that spreads over the entire world, uniting everyone willing, to join the giant church family, lead and centered around Jesus Christ. No matter where you go, you are home, with your "family".
Each level of family has its own requirements, structure and responsibilities. Each member is called to instruct, and to allow for instruction. Tradition offers specific insight and understanding into different requirements for us as individuals and members of a unified family assigned us by God. We are cared for, required of, and shown "true freedom" in a variety of powerful and impacting ways.
Not only was I encouraged today, but I am convinced that God is in control and has great purpose and design for where I am and where I am headed. I consider myself very lucky! Very BLESSED!
Friday, March 13, 2009
Day 17: Short & Sweet
JoJo is here from Colorado! She has been gone so long... forever it feels like. In reality it has been 10 months since she has been to the Southern Coast and it has been an unexpected joy to watch Bay St. Louis through rediscovering and hopefully searching eyes. It has already given me a renewed optimism and gratefulness for all that God has done here... with houses, with people, with community. Wide eyed she walked through Mel's house and reminisced over every new possession or improvement. She notices changes we've missed because we have been here. I can't wait to just drive around and rediscover with her this week. The week will pass quickly but I am grateful for friendship and memories and fun... and she will be back again. Mississippi NEVER leaves us, and we NEVER really leave Mississippi... not for too long.
Thursday, March 12, 2009
Day 16: The gift of instruction
I sit here tonight in the gratefulness of a blessing. I am grateful tonight that God has shown me the value, the importance and the need of instruction. I am grateful that God has sent people that I was willing to hear instruction from because God KNEW how rebellious I could be. He knew it was my struggle. And He knows how stubborn and willful I can be. AND HE KNEW who it would take for me to listen! He knew it would take people willing to deal with me JUST AS HE WANTED THEM TO. And I am grateful that He has changed my heart and softened it and molded it so that I could see, listen and accept the instruction He has for me! I can sit here tonight and think of so many that have missed it. I can think of so many that did not hear it because they were not listening, or heard it and threw it away . Solomon said in the Word that our instruction would be "our life"! OUR LIFE! Proverbs... check it out. So thank you Lord... for LIFE in ALLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLL the ways You give it! In Your instruction, in Your love, in Your sacrifice... YOU ARE LIFE! AND I LOVE LIFE!
Wednesday, March 11, 2009
Day 15: A change in the seasons
I keep hearing God say "you are ready" and in so many different ways. I have felt a change in the seasons for a while, but the feeling has been SO STRONG since lent began. It has been my prayer from the beginning of this spiritual time of stretching and discipline that God would reveal to me what season I was coming in to and how, in the name of Jesus, was He gonna get me to do it...
So last Saturday I kept feeling a knock INSIDE me heart. I knew there was more in my heart that Jesus wanted to reveal to me. A room He had decorated just for me that would be full of all kinds of new gifts and treasures... and responsibilities, whatever that meant.
On Sunday, Father Chester convicted me. He said to St. Rose, "You have a testimony and you need to share it!" He said, "you might already have a title, but what you need is testimony. And we are all called to SHARE IT."
On Sunday, Heather, Brother Dominic and I drove to Biloxi so our RCIA class could be introduced to the rest of the Catechumans for the Biloxi Diocese. The service was beautiful and it was a powerful experience to see God moving so hugely in the Catholic Church. Afterward, Brother was enlightening us on some of the purposes of Confirmation and he described the tradition as the transition from being instructed and a period of initiation, to a call to share Christ with others and to share the testimony of what we have learned. It was the release of the instructed to begin walking as instructors... never heard that before!
Monday, REVIVAL started and the Priests anointed everyone in whatever we felt God was telling us we needed. My anointing: FEARLESSNESS FOR GOD.
Tuesday, Father Chester said, "You must learn to live using the 5 spiritual senses: POWER, PURPOSE, PASSION, PRAYER and PEACE." It was a call to get crazy for God!
Wednesday (that's today) was the last day of revival and the Hand Maidens of the Lord did this awe filled dance to a song called Seasons. It said, "the wait is over. You are coming into your season!"
And then, nobody was there. Not another soul. Just me and Jesus. And He was walking me, hand in His, right to the door in my heart. And He told me a little about what lies behind it.
And I opened it AND ITS MORE THAN JUST A ROOM! It is a whole new WING! And its amazing. All I can tell you is this: the walls are lined with JOY and the floors are coated in PEACE. And the Holy Spirit is allllllll over! They have been preparing this place for me for a long time I think. Nothing about it looks thrown together. It is clean. It is immaculate, in fact. And I did NOTHING! I only opened the door! And it was light! HAHAHAHA...
And the craziest part... there are a lot more doors in here to look behind...
So I thank you Lord, humbly and with a trembling spirit, and I pray for the grace and strength and mercy to walk this new wing without messing it up!
So last Saturday I kept feeling a knock INSIDE me heart. I knew there was more in my heart that Jesus wanted to reveal to me. A room He had decorated just for me that would be full of all kinds of new gifts and treasures... and responsibilities, whatever that meant.
On Sunday, Father Chester convicted me. He said to St. Rose, "You have a testimony and you need to share it!" He said, "you might already have a title, but what you need is testimony. And we are all called to SHARE IT."
On Sunday, Heather, Brother Dominic and I drove to Biloxi so our RCIA class could be introduced to the rest of the Catechumans for the Biloxi Diocese. The service was beautiful and it was a powerful experience to see God moving so hugely in the Catholic Church. Afterward, Brother was enlightening us on some of the purposes of Confirmation and he described the tradition as the transition from being instructed and a period of initiation, to a call to share Christ with others and to share the testimony of what we have learned. It was the release of the instructed to begin walking as instructors... never heard that before!
Monday, REVIVAL started and the Priests anointed everyone in whatever we felt God was telling us we needed. My anointing: FEARLESSNESS FOR GOD.
Tuesday, Father Chester said, "You must learn to live using the 5 spiritual senses: POWER, PURPOSE, PASSION, PRAYER and PEACE." It was a call to get crazy for God!
Wednesday (that's today) was the last day of revival and the Hand Maidens of the Lord did this awe filled dance to a song called Seasons. It said, "the wait is over. You are coming into your season!"
And then, nobody was there. Not another soul. Just me and Jesus. And He was walking me, hand in His, right to the door in my heart. And He told me a little about what lies behind it.
And I opened it AND ITS MORE THAN JUST A ROOM! It is a whole new WING! And its amazing. All I can tell you is this: the walls are lined with JOY and the floors are coated in PEACE. And the Holy Spirit is allllllll over! They have been preparing this place for me for a long time I think. Nothing about it looks thrown together. It is clean. It is immaculate, in fact. And I did NOTHING! I only opened the door! And it was light! HAHAHAHA...And the craziest part... there are a lot more doors in here to look behind...
So I thank you Lord, humbly and with a trembling spirit, and I pray for the grace and strength and mercy to walk this new wing without messing it up!
Tuesday, March 10, 2009
Day 14: What about my mind?
Isiah 55 Verses 6-7 say: Seek the Lord while he may be found; call on Him while he is near. Let the wicked forsake his way and the evil man his thoughts. Let him turn to the Lord, and he will have mercy on him, and to our God, for he will freely pardon.
Verse 8: "For my thoughts are not your thoughts, neither are your ways my ways," declares the Lord.
God says that we are not only to SEEK Him and FORSAKE our WAY, but also to FORSAKE our THOUGHTS! The mercy and pardon of God comes from a complete turn. So often we change our ways but NOT our thoughts. We put on the suit but we think like the ghetto. The danger in this is that our thoughts are our inner life and our thoughts are the unspoken dictator of so many of our actions and reactions. If we change our way but keep looking back in our minds, we cannot be free of what is behind us and we are at high risk for turning back to our old ways. We want to appear changed, but we don't want to actually think changed.
An example from my own life:
When I first started dealing with myself as a "beautiful" woman of God I flat out didn't believe it was true. I had been the "fat girl with the personality" my whole life. My inner person, I thought was a somewhat decent looking person. My outward appearance, I was absolutely sure, nobody thought was beautiful. So someone shared that oh so famous scripture with me... "you are fearfully and wonderfully made." My reaction... "uh huh... blah blah blah, cut the act." I had not yet turned!
But then other scriptures started coming up in my devotions and studies... "you are the jewels of His crown," and, "made in His image"... Eh, could be something there... who cares?! It was with this attitude that God led me right into one of the most dramatic lessons of my life up to date.
Morgan and I were going to be leaders at a youth camp for young blossoming Christians over the summer. I was so excited because it would be my first opportunity to walk in some of my new found ways and get to actually share and speak into others lives. It was the greatest anticipation of my summer months. Then, Bonnie and Di called us with some "great news". We nodded away, eager to know what wonderful thing God was gonna do... "there is a pool at the camp site we're staying at!" We laughed nervously at each other. "Guess I'll have to pack extra shorts," I replied.
"Oh no! No swimming unless you've got a bathing suit!"
Out of the question! My mother had struggled with me and fought with me and lost every time to the bathing suit battle. I simply refused! There was no way I was showing off my fat in a snug spandex shard of material that refused to cover my upper arms and my thighs while excentuating my middle bulge! We fought it and fought it, but they were firm about the rule. Morgan, "the lawyer" we call her sometimes, was all about trying to find a clever argument. I really just refused. I knew my reason. No denial. I was too fat for a swimsuit.
Eventually we were talked into "looking" for a swim suit. Just checking out the market. A day of shopping later... dispassionate shopping I might add... we were empty handed and even more frustrated. We texted Di and told her we had been and that everything was too expensive and just not what we were looking for in a bathing suit. Pretty much, they didn't cover enough. "PATHETIC" she texted back, "I bet you didn't even pray! Come to Chinese and we'll talk about it."
Well I didn't really want to talk about it, but we did. She asked us if we had prayed before we shopped, that we would find a good deal on a decent suit. "Of course not. I don't want one why would I pray for it!" I was feeling kinda sassy 'cause I wasn't happy with the day or how I was feeling and I deal with stress by getting sassy sometimes.
Then Di said something I'll never forget. That caused an instant turn. INSTANT. She looked at me and said, "Ashley, how can you look at a girl this summer that is struggling with self image and tell her she is beautiful, if you have to wear shorts and a t-shirt to the pool because you don't think you are beautiful."
Tears. Hot at the back of my eyes. Sure sign that I just got CONVICTED! I hung my head and sighed. "You know," I said, "thats so... true." So we went the next day and I picked a sweet little fluff of a thing with a little pleated skirt and some supery flowery pattern. I had forsaken my WAY. But I didn't feel comfort when I put on that bathing suit! I was doing it because I didn't want to APPEAR like a hypocrite. As I wore it more and more I started to accept it more and more though. I started to see beauty sometimes. I was able to appreciate beauty in others much more easily. I started realizing that I see beauty in everyone. But my THOUGHTS were still my own. I had not FORSAKEN my thoughts. So I still had twinges of doubt. I saw the beauty of others, but not always in myself. (What an irrational contradiction!) Is it true? Am I beautiful, or am I faking it?
God says we have to FORSAKE our thoughts. What does that mean? I looked up the word forsake. Here are its definitions: 1. to quit or leave entirely; abandon; desert. 2. to give up or renounce. I had not deserted the idea that I wasn't beautiful. I walked outside of it for a while and returned to it when I didn't feel like it was true. Especially when I felt like others didn't agree with God... when I gave man the power to speak beauty in or out of my life. And I didn't renounce ugliness. I didn't renounce the thoughts that fed my worst fear: that I was NOT beautiful. And so I had no mercy from that recurring hardship and pain. I had no pardon from that mental cage.
So in those WAYS that God would have me turn from, let him give me the grace and mercy to do so body, heart and mind alike! Let me FORSAKE my WAYS AND MY THOUGHTS so that I might better understand and accept HIS, which are not mine!
Verse 8: "For my thoughts are not your thoughts, neither are your ways my ways," declares the Lord.
God says that we are not only to SEEK Him and FORSAKE our WAY, but also to FORSAKE our THOUGHTS! The mercy and pardon of God comes from a complete turn. So often we change our ways but NOT our thoughts. We put on the suit but we think like the ghetto. The danger in this is that our thoughts are our inner life and our thoughts are the unspoken dictator of so many of our actions and reactions. If we change our way but keep looking back in our minds, we cannot be free of what is behind us and we are at high risk for turning back to our old ways. We want to appear changed, but we don't want to actually think changed.
An example from my own life:
When I first started dealing with myself as a "beautiful" woman of God I flat out didn't believe it was true. I had been the "fat girl with the personality" my whole life. My inner person, I thought was a somewhat decent looking person. My outward appearance, I was absolutely sure, nobody thought was beautiful. So someone shared that oh so famous scripture with me... "you are fearfully and wonderfully made." My reaction... "uh huh... blah blah blah, cut the act." I had not yet turned!
But then other scriptures started coming up in my devotions and studies... "you are the jewels of His crown," and, "made in His image"... Eh, could be something there... who cares?! It was with this attitude that God led me right into one of the most dramatic lessons of my life up to date.
Morgan and I were going to be leaders at a youth camp for young blossoming Christians over the summer. I was so excited because it would be my first opportunity to walk in some of my new found ways and get to actually share and speak into others lives. It was the greatest anticipation of my summer months. Then, Bonnie and Di called us with some "great news". We nodded away, eager to know what wonderful thing God was gonna do... "there is a pool at the camp site we're staying at!" We laughed nervously at each other. "Guess I'll have to pack extra shorts," I replied.
"Oh no! No swimming unless you've got a bathing suit!"
Out of the question! My mother had struggled with me and fought with me and lost every time to the bathing suit battle. I simply refused! There was no way I was showing off my fat in a snug spandex shard of material that refused to cover my upper arms and my thighs while excentuating my middle bulge! We fought it and fought it, but they were firm about the rule. Morgan, "the lawyer" we call her sometimes, was all about trying to find a clever argument. I really just refused. I knew my reason. No denial. I was too fat for a swimsuit.
Eventually we were talked into "looking" for a swim suit. Just checking out the market. A day of shopping later... dispassionate shopping I might add... we were empty handed and even more frustrated. We texted Di and told her we had been and that everything was too expensive and just not what we were looking for in a bathing suit. Pretty much, they didn't cover enough. "PATHETIC" she texted back, "I bet you didn't even pray! Come to Chinese and we'll talk about it."
Well I didn't really want to talk about it, but we did. She asked us if we had prayed before we shopped, that we would find a good deal on a decent suit. "Of course not. I don't want one why would I pray for it!" I was feeling kinda sassy 'cause I wasn't happy with the day or how I was feeling and I deal with stress by getting sassy sometimes.
Then Di said something I'll never forget. That caused an instant turn. INSTANT. She looked at me and said, "Ashley, how can you look at a girl this summer that is struggling with self image and tell her she is beautiful, if you have to wear shorts and a t-shirt to the pool because you don't think you are beautiful."
Tears. Hot at the back of my eyes. Sure sign that I just got CONVICTED! I hung my head and sighed. "You know," I said, "thats so... true." So we went the next day and I picked a sweet little fluff of a thing with a little pleated skirt and some supery flowery pattern. I had forsaken my WAY. But I didn't feel comfort when I put on that bathing suit! I was doing it because I didn't want to APPEAR like a hypocrite. As I wore it more and more I started to accept it more and more though. I started to see beauty sometimes. I was able to appreciate beauty in others much more easily. I started realizing that I see beauty in everyone. But my THOUGHTS were still my own. I had not FORSAKEN my thoughts. So I still had twinges of doubt. I saw the beauty of others, but not always in myself. (What an irrational contradiction!) Is it true? Am I beautiful, or am I faking it?
God says we have to FORSAKE our thoughts. What does that mean? I looked up the word forsake. Here are its definitions: 1. to quit or leave entirely; abandon; desert. 2. to give up or renounce. I had not deserted the idea that I wasn't beautiful. I walked outside of it for a while and returned to it when I didn't feel like it was true. Especially when I felt like others didn't agree with God... when I gave man the power to speak beauty in or out of my life. And I didn't renounce ugliness. I didn't renounce the thoughts that fed my worst fear: that I was NOT beautiful. And so I had no mercy from that recurring hardship and pain. I had no pardon from that mental cage.
So in those WAYS that God would have me turn from, let him give me the grace and mercy to do so body, heart and mind alike! Let me FORSAKE my WAYS AND MY THOUGHTS so that I might better understand and accept HIS, which are not mine!
Monday, March 9, 2009
Day 13: Cosmetics
There are many different cosmetic products and lots of different types... but there are two terms women use to describe them most: Make-up and cover-up. God revealed something really cool to me about cosmetics.
Francis Frangipane in Holiness, Truth & The Presence of God says "wash the cosmetics from your heart," when he challenges his readers to be real with themselves. To stop putting the cosmetics on our hearts that make everyone (including ourselves), think that we are better than we are!
To understand what that meant I had to dive deeper into the concept of cosmetics in a woman's life. We have foundation to cover all the blemishes and make every part of our face the same tone, lip gloss to shine up those boring shineless lips, blush to give our faces a little adventure, eye-liner and eye-shadow and mascara to give us some depth, and it goes on... if you've ever been to the cosmetics section of Wal-Mart, you KNOW how long the list goes! My mother used to REFUSE to leave the house without her "cover-up" on. I asked her about it once when I was a little girl, and with a laugh she responded, "I don't want to scare people." Most of the time that I saw my mother she was without all that fluff and I had always thought the stars of her beauty. She didn't realize her own beauty and had little chance to with all of the make-up she put on to feel beautiful. And the world couldn't see her in her completeness because they saw her in her "revised" state. They were seeing what she thought was her best, all the time. The only pictures that made "the cut" were the ones that reinforced this made-up self image.
So, what are the cosmetics of the heart? What do we have in that make-up bag for our hearts before we will let anyone see us. Patience, kindness, self-control? Perhaps a rock steady strength that is seemingly unshakable. All the things we say we have before we get mad at God for not supplying our needs when we want, or we say something critical of someone because we think its what they deserve, or we fill our immediate desires for pleasure with things we know aren't of God. They are the cover up we put on for everyone to see because we are afraid that what we have isn't beautiful enough. But we get caught up with that image. The only comments we can accept about ourselves are the ones that reinforce this self-image. We begin to see these things as the reality so how can we see the truth? But Frangipane says strip off the cosmetics and ask God to seek your heart! Strip off all our false virtue and righteousness and allow God to bring us to humility, that He might search us, reveal Himself to us and WHO WE ARE IN HIM, and then give us a natural beauty that reflects all of these same righteous virtues.
So are all cosmetics false. I have some friends that would give you the best arguments in the world if you wanted to believe otherwise. I first thought, YEAH! WHO NEEDS FALSE BEAUTY?! But cosmetics can be used to enhance a natural beauty. IF we can see our beauty and embrace it and accept that we are called to love and believe as Christ did, then we can ask for the additions that can enhance our naturally beautiful hearts. "Put first the Kingdom of God and all these things will be added unto you."
When I go out I like to put on some mascara because it accentuates the length and fullness of my eyelashes; and glitter because it makes my face glisten and sparkle in the light. I don't consider it "cover-up". The gifts God gives us can enhance the beauty of the heart we obtain from seeking Christ and aligning our hearts with His.
Sunday, March 8, 2009
Day 12: Summer and bigger things
I am so excited about the prospect of Summer that I can't think of anything else while I sit and blog! The gnats have been out -the "flying teeth" they are called in the South! And, as annoying as they are, they mark the beginning of hot days! Soon it will be too hot for them to swarm the South as badly as they do now. The sun will be out every day. Easter will come! Trips to Florida! I WILL rent a Jet-ski this year! And go fishing! City Camp is coming! Bike riding!
Hahahahaha.
Ok. Got that off my mind a little.
We had church today! Revival starts Monday and one of the priests that will do it this year gave the mass today. Chester, I believe. There are two of them. They're twins! God placed them in ministry together!!! And, if Charles is half as annointed as Chester was today we are gonna SEE SOME REVIVAL! The word we heard today was powerful, but the thing that struck me most, was the conviction I felt when he said "we are so nice about our testimony. Too nice." I'm nice about my testimony. Too nice so often. I worry about offending people. I wonder if I'll say the wrong thing. But I say the wrong things anyway! Am I doing them any good by keeping totally neutral? Am I talkin' for me or for Jesus? I MEAN, WHY DO I CARE SO MUCH?! JESUS IS MY LIFE! THE AIR THAT SUPPLIES ME! THE BLOOD THAT RUNS MY VEINS! AND I'M WORRIED ABOUT WHAT PEOPLE ARE GONNA THINK OF HIM?! Do I worry if people will like my sister? Am I afraid to talk about her?! Do I withold good stories about my closest friends because I don't know how others will react?! Nooooooo. If I tell people how awesome my sister is and they hate me for it, WOULD I CARE?! ummmmmmmmmmmmmm.... NO! And Jesus is THE MOST IMPORTANT PERSON IN MY LIFE!
Sigh. Oh, God. How sorry I am....
There was a man Morgan and Bonnie and I talked with in Lake Charles, LA. He said, God has told me you have a great purpose, and that He will make you... wait for it... FEARLESS for Him! Not fearless of Him. Fearless FOR Him. Oh how I long to walk in that prophecy! How I long to never disappoint You again, Papa, with my fears. And I'm so fed up with pretending this fear doesn't exist. It is there OK! AND I'M SICK OF IT! Francis Frangipane says in Holiness, Truth and the Presence of God that if we are to make ourselves pure and holy we first have to wash away the cosmetics of our hearts! How can we be humble if all we ever show anyone is our successes and our triumphs. How can we meet the ALMIGHTY, if we don't think there is anything wrong with us! I'm giving this to JESUS! ~Confess your sins... so that you might be healed! James 5:16~
I know there is a time for subtle words. I know there is a time for gentleness and nurturing. But as the great prophets and disciples of the Bible make it clear in their example, there is a time for boldness and truth! And there is a time for the passion of our love for Christ to overcome the niceties of our religiosity. We will not always be given bold words to speak. Sometimes it will be actions. Sometimes it will be worship. Sometimes it will be between me and Him. Sometimes it will be prayers. A gesture. A thought. But if He says speak and I don't... well, God talks about that in His Word. If He says move and I stay...
Lord, MAKE me TRUST in YOU! Take me out of it, so I can't mess it up! Less of me. ALL YOU! Give me the grace I need to have the strength to open that door you knock at.
Hahahahaha.
Ok. Got that off my mind a little.
We had church today! Revival starts Monday and one of the priests that will do it this year gave the mass today. Chester, I believe. There are two of them. They're twins! God placed them in ministry together!!! And, if Charles is half as annointed as Chester was today we are gonna SEE SOME REVIVAL! The word we heard today was powerful, but the thing that struck me most, was the conviction I felt when he said "we are so nice about our testimony. Too nice." I'm nice about my testimony. Too nice so often. I worry about offending people. I wonder if I'll say the wrong thing. But I say the wrong things anyway! Am I doing them any good by keeping totally neutral? Am I talkin' for me or for Jesus? I MEAN, WHY DO I CARE SO MUCH?! JESUS IS MY LIFE! THE AIR THAT SUPPLIES ME! THE BLOOD THAT RUNS MY VEINS! AND I'M WORRIED ABOUT WHAT PEOPLE ARE GONNA THINK OF HIM?! Do I worry if people will like my sister? Am I afraid to talk about her?! Do I withold good stories about my closest friends because I don't know how others will react?! Nooooooo. If I tell people how awesome my sister is and they hate me for it, WOULD I CARE?! ummmmmmmmmmmmmm.... NO! And Jesus is THE MOST IMPORTANT PERSON IN MY LIFE!
Sigh. Oh, God. How sorry I am....
There was a man Morgan and Bonnie and I talked with in Lake Charles, LA. He said, God has told me you have a great purpose, and that He will make you... wait for it... FEARLESS for Him! Not fearless of Him. Fearless FOR Him. Oh how I long to walk in that prophecy! How I long to never disappoint You again, Papa, with my fears. And I'm so fed up with pretending this fear doesn't exist. It is there OK! AND I'M SICK OF IT! Francis Frangipane says in Holiness, Truth and the Presence of God that if we are to make ourselves pure and holy we first have to wash away the cosmetics of our hearts! How can we be humble if all we ever show anyone is our successes and our triumphs. How can we meet the ALMIGHTY, if we don't think there is anything wrong with us! I'm giving this to JESUS! ~Confess your sins... so that you might be healed! James 5:16~
I know there is a time for subtle words. I know there is a time for gentleness and nurturing. But as the great prophets and disciples of the Bible make it clear in their example, there is a time for boldness and truth! And there is a time for the passion of our love for Christ to overcome the niceties of our religiosity. We will not always be given bold words to speak. Sometimes it will be actions. Sometimes it will be worship. Sometimes it will be between me and Him. Sometimes it will be prayers. A gesture. A thought. But if He says speak and I don't... well, God talks about that in His Word. If He says move and I stay...
Lord, MAKE me TRUST in YOU! Take me out of it, so I can't mess it up! Less of me. ALL YOU! Give me the grace I need to have the strength to open that door you knock at.
Saturday, March 7, 2009
Day 11: Knocking
A friend once described God's desire to win His children over is like a knocking on our hearts. I'm a take this concept and run with it! Maybe fly...
So this is how I see it. We are living our lives, often knowing He is out there, knowing our hearts are struggling and fighting, but paying Him very little attention. The sounds of our own desires and the battle to overcome everything the world throws at us with our own fists, drowns out the sound of God knocking. Then someone comes and takes a bit of the load and scares off some of our attackers... this sudden assistance gives us the opportunity to hear the knock more loudly. "Who is it?"
"JESUS."
Hahahaha. Then we flat out ignore it! But for me, I eventually realized, I had a big mess of a heart and there was NO WAY I was gonna be able to clean it up and get all the repairs and renovations done that I wanted without some seriously professional help! And He had been out there for years... never tired of knocking. So I opened the door and He came whippin' in there, doing all this amazing work, cleaning things up, taking out the garbage, installing new windows... and it was all FREE! Really can't beat that deal. I let Him move in. He wanted to and I could use the help, so it was allllll good.
The challenge came when He wanted to start moving out the stuff I liked! Suddenly He was a threat. That ugly old chair might be ugly and broken to you Mr. Jesus, but its comfy and I like it there! But He would persist. And every conversation we had would end up there again and again and again.... and I was getting to where I had a feeling my home kind of depended on this new guy. So I gave in. It was hard to watch it go. Its absence left an ache. And I could no longer use it as a place to lay down and forget about life. I mourned it and moped about it for a while, but I started to forget about it. Then He wanted to take out more things. And more and more. And it was getting harder to deal. But one day He brought me a new chair. Most beautiful chair you've ever seen. The colors themselves would bring anyone joy. And it was far more comfortable than my old gray one. In fact, when sat on it I realized I had NEVER really known comfort. When I laid back in it, I realized I had NEVER really known rest. The house was looking better!
I remember the first time I asked Jesus to just move it all out. I was sick of it! "Just move all my junk out and remodel my house with all of your things. Take down all the pictures and put up the ones you want to see on the walls. Put up pictures of You and us. You pick out the rugs, You pick out the furniture. Make it Yours!" Then the struggle was examining everything He wanted to bring in. Long drawn out conversations about why He wanted that lamp or that kitchen table. I am such a pain to live with! But I'm at a place now where I typically just admire the things He brings in and ask Him to tell me all about it! Sometimes we find an old closet we have to go through and empty and clean up. And its a big house so we are constantly cleaning, but its become a place of rest and peace and joy.
Things are going good. We have a system. But something totally new happened today. Something unexpected. I heard a knock. And it wasn't outside. It was from somewhere within. Jesus is inside my heart, behind a door I've never opened and paid little attention to, and He is knocking...
So this is how I see it. We are living our lives, often knowing He is out there, knowing our hearts are struggling and fighting, but paying Him very little attention. The sounds of our own desires and the battle to overcome everything the world throws at us with our own fists, drowns out the sound of God knocking. Then someone comes and takes a bit of the load and scares off some of our attackers... this sudden assistance gives us the opportunity to hear the knock more loudly. "Who is it?"
"JESUS."
Hahahaha. Then we flat out ignore it! But for me, I eventually realized, I had a big mess of a heart and there was NO WAY I was gonna be able to clean it up and get all the repairs and renovations done that I wanted without some seriously professional help! And He had been out there for years... never tired of knocking. So I opened the door and He came whippin' in there, doing all this amazing work, cleaning things up, taking out the garbage, installing new windows... and it was all FREE! Really can't beat that deal. I let Him move in. He wanted to and I could use the help, so it was allllll good.
The challenge came when He wanted to start moving out the stuff I liked! Suddenly He was a threat. That ugly old chair might be ugly and broken to you Mr. Jesus, but its comfy and I like it there! But He would persist. And every conversation we had would end up there again and again and again.... and I was getting to where I had a feeling my home kind of depended on this new guy. So I gave in. It was hard to watch it go. Its absence left an ache. And I could no longer use it as a place to lay down and forget about life. I mourned it and moped about it for a while, but I started to forget about it. Then He wanted to take out more things. And more and more. And it was getting harder to deal. But one day He brought me a new chair. Most beautiful chair you've ever seen. The colors themselves would bring anyone joy. And it was far more comfortable than my old gray one. In fact, when sat on it I realized I had NEVER really known comfort. When I laid back in it, I realized I had NEVER really known rest. The house was looking better!
I remember the first time I asked Jesus to just move it all out. I was sick of it! "Just move all my junk out and remodel my house with all of your things. Take down all the pictures and put up the ones you want to see on the walls. Put up pictures of You and us. You pick out the rugs, You pick out the furniture. Make it Yours!" Then the struggle was examining everything He wanted to bring in. Long drawn out conversations about why He wanted that lamp or that kitchen table. I am such a pain to live with! But I'm at a place now where I typically just admire the things He brings in and ask Him to tell me all about it! Sometimes we find an old closet we have to go through and empty and clean up. And its a big house so we are constantly cleaning, but its become a place of rest and peace and joy.Things are going good. We have a system. But something totally new happened today. Something unexpected. I heard a knock. And it wasn't outside. It was from somewhere within. Jesus is inside my heart, behind a door I've never opened and paid little attention to, and He is knocking...
Friday, March 6, 2009
Day 10: What I learned about prayer today...
Today, I had a break through in my understanding of prayer. I've been praying for it! Haha. I ask the Lord to show me how to pray because I want to pray prayers like I have seen from others I know. Not the actual words themselves, no two people do much of anything exactly the same, but I want to know how to pray as they do. So what did I learn today? I learned that prayer is deep.
The last thing I learned about prayer was straight out the Word! Paul says, "pray unceasingly." So I realized that prayer must mean a whole lot more than words, cause I know I can' t be "talking" to God all day long. But prayer is a communication, not a verbal dialogue. It is more like... a dance.
So whats the combo? My original thought was that I just try to think and act and talk to God as much as I possibly can. Whether I was feeling "close" to Him or off in shallow waters. But I learned today that prayer is supposed to be deep. This doesn't mean, be deep when its time to be deep and take God with me to the shallows... but live, pray and drink deep of God UNCEASINGLY! If prayer is deep, then God is calling me to unceasing depth.
It reminds me of a conversation I had with Di almost a year ago now. I told her I felt like God was calling me to deep water where I couldn't see the land on any side of me. In fact I felt like He was pushing me into the deepest part of the ocean and my choice was to either learn to dive deep with Him or drown. She told me a similar story of her own experience. I was so excited! I didn't know what it meant... but I was excited.
But as time went on, and I realized there was REALLY no life raft near by or shoreline, I kind of started to flounder a little bit. Instead of diving in I learned how to tread water. I don't know if you've ever tread water, but while it is easy at first, it starts to become absolutely exhausting! Why? Because it take so much TEETH GRITTING STRENGTH and WORK! Diving is effortless! The water itself keeps you light and flowing. It moves you. When you dive the water engulfs you... on every side, below you and above you. When you tread water you are trying to stay on top of the water! Even though it is moving you, you stay atop it because you think, in some preposterous way, that you are moving yourself.
After a while I started experimental diving. I'd move down a little bit, move with it, feel it out, get a little spooked and pop back up for some more treading. When you are above the water you can ignore the things you might find in the deep. You can only see the top of the water so you can forget about what might be down there! Those things, of course, are still there. They still surround you. But you can deny them... for a little bit. Diving takes confidence. Confidence in self, but mostly, confidence in God. Confidence that He is gonna keep supplying the air. Confidence that He is gonna show you where to go and how to swim properly. "BLESSED IS THE ONE WHO TRUSTS IN THE LORD, WHOSE CONFIDENCE IS IN HIM." (Jer. 17:7)
I spend more and more time under water now. I am learning to dive deeper! I am learning confidence! There are no more thoughts of shore. I know that. No more looking off in the distance for a boat to jump in and carry me off. God told me last year it wasn't comin'. But if I am to pray unceasingly, and like God has designed me to, I must allow myself to live in the dive! Live, love, pray... deep!
Now that's deep! Hahahaha.
Thursday, March 5, 2009
Day 9: Unexpected Blessing
A good friend and a good person did something so wonderful tonight, that I found it hard to put myself back together afterward. Rhonda is a woman we go to church with. (I'm using we because the blessing extended further than myself. It was also for Heather, Morgan and Di) She is an incredible woman of faith with an unbelievably big agenda to go with her even bigger heart. We see her from time to time and always share a hug even if we have time for little else. Occasionally we will get the opportunity to talk and she is always encouraging and filling. She is just one of those wonderful people that makes my day brighter. God typically gives us those people in our lives where we are... sometimes many, sometimes one. But tonight we were prepping for the annual Lenten Fish Frys that happen every Friday at St. Rose during Lent, and Rhonda was working with us. So we got to sit and talk and laugh and share for a nice long time. It was wonderful! We worked until it was time to get dinner, and Rhonda, out of nowhere said, "can I buy you girls dinner tonight?"
"What?" We all responded in stereo. She repeated and we did what we were all taught to do which was say, "oh no no no." But then God just said to my heart, "Ashley, I am blessing you, take the offer."
"If you really want to, that would be unbelievably sweet," I told her. What she didn't know was that I really meant "unbelievably". She got up and motioned me to come with her to her car, so I followed. "Want anything from Yun Long's?" I asked. "Oh, no no, my husband's bringing me something here." The gift was not contingent on us "sharing" it with her. She just wanted to get us a meal. She wanted to feed us. I shook my head all the way to the car. "Really?"
"Yes! Really! How much will you need? 20? 25?"
"Oh, oh, 20 is more than enough!"
"I better give you 25. Just in case."
I racked my brain for words of gratitude. Nothing came. I was stunned. I just smiled and stared at her. Like a goof. Then I sort of spazzed and hugged her. Then I said thanks again a couple times. Then I hugged her again. She laughed. I'm sure she thought I was a little crazy. I was just so stunned that she was giving us the money to go out and eat but not because she invited us to a meal or because we all went out and she felt like she should pay. Plus, there had been no warning! No previous mention of wanting to give us anything. She really just had a heart to feed us and bless us. And I had this feeling like it was God's idea and that she was just excited to go with it. So as we walked back I threw my arm around her and I said, "we will have to take you out to eat sometime and return the blessing."
She totally stopped. Not abrubtly or awkwardly, but sort of in slow motion, as if she wanted to say something without the sound of movement. The effect worked because it rang through me... she said, "you guys do enough! Every time I see you, you have a smile on! And the hugs! Even when I'm having a bad day, you just give me joy."
WHAT?! Me? She was talking about all of us, but I admit, I was thinking about me. Stunned... again. I squeezed her and said, "ditto." Which was TOTALLY sincere.
I left and got about half way to my car before I started crying. What was it about the whole incident that touched me so deeply? Honestly, that trainwrecked me! I cried and pondered it all the way to the restaurant. Composed myself, bought our meal, paid for it and cried and pondered it all the way back.
First I thought, because it was such a beautiful gesture with no stipulations. Givers of such gifts are rare. Then I thought, I didn't feel like I deserved it at first. When she first offered it, it took GOD'S VOICE to tell me to take it. I felt awkward for a second. I was even a little frustrated that I didn't express to her how much it impacted me. I mean, I thanked her, but I couldn't find the words to tell her all that it meant to me. "Thanks and ditto" just didn't feel adequate. But there was one thought that brought fresh tears to my eyes everytime it crossed my heart... the blessing was in return for joy... NOT for deeds y'all! NOT for talents. NOT because we were in dire need of money or food. The blessing came out of joy. Joy that we had been given the grace and strength to choose. Fruit for fruit. I'm not saying I think God pays us for being joyful. He paid for us enough already! Thats not how it works, haha... but He showed us His love for us in a way that is from a pleased Father to His adored daughters. I know there are much greater gifts than money or riches or food, but that $25 dollars was one of the most significant of my life. Ever. A TRUE gift and blessing. It was a wonderful show of love!
So I sit tonight, AGAIN, in grateful awe and wonder. Greatful for the beautiful people God has placed in my life, and grateful for a Papa that loves me so much I can't even FATHOM it! And I am filled with JOY!
"What?" We all responded in stereo. She repeated and we did what we were all taught to do which was say, "oh no no no." But then God just said to my heart, "Ashley, I am blessing you, take the offer."
"If you really want to, that would be unbelievably sweet," I told her. What she didn't know was that I really meant "unbelievably". She got up and motioned me to come with her to her car, so I followed. "Want anything from Yun Long's?" I asked. "Oh, no no, my husband's bringing me something here." The gift was not contingent on us "sharing" it with her. She just wanted to get us a meal. She wanted to feed us. I shook my head all the way to the car. "Really?"
"Yes! Really! How much will you need? 20? 25?"
"Oh, oh, 20 is more than enough!"
"I better give you 25. Just in case."
I racked my brain for words of gratitude. Nothing came. I was stunned. I just smiled and stared at her. Like a goof. Then I sort of spazzed and hugged her. Then I said thanks again a couple times. Then I hugged her again. She laughed. I'm sure she thought I was a little crazy. I was just so stunned that she was giving us the money to go out and eat but not because she invited us to a meal or because we all went out and she felt like she should pay. Plus, there had been no warning! No previous mention of wanting to give us anything. She really just had a heart to feed us and bless us. And I had this feeling like it was God's idea and that she was just excited to go with it. So as we walked back I threw my arm around her and I said, "we will have to take you out to eat sometime and return the blessing."
She totally stopped. Not abrubtly or awkwardly, but sort of in slow motion, as if she wanted to say something without the sound of movement. The effect worked because it rang through me... she said, "you guys do enough! Every time I see you, you have a smile on! And the hugs! Even when I'm having a bad day, you just give me joy."
WHAT?! Me? She was talking about all of us, but I admit, I was thinking about me. Stunned... again. I squeezed her and said, "ditto." Which was TOTALLY sincere.
I left and got about half way to my car before I started crying. What was it about the whole incident that touched me so deeply? Honestly, that trainwrecked me! I cried and pondered it all the way to the restaurant. Composed myself, bought our meal, paid for it and cried and pondered it all the way back.
First I thought, because it was such a beautiful gesture with no stipulations. Givers of such gifts are rare. Then I thought, I didn't feel like I deserved it at first. When she first offered it, it took GOD'S VOICE to tell me to take it. I felt awkward for a second. I was even a little frustrated that I didn't express to her how much it impacted me. I mean, I thanked her, but I couldn't find the words to tell her all that it meant to me. "Thanks and ditto" just didn't feel adequate. But there was one thought that brought fresh tears to my eyes everytime it crossed my heart... the blessing was in return for joy... NOT for deeds y'all! NOT for talents. NOT because we were in dire need of money or food. The blessing came out of joy. Joy that we had been given the grace and strength to choose. Fruit for fruit. I'm not saying I think God pays us for being joyful. He paid for us enough already! Thats not how it works, haha... but He showed us His love for us in a way that is from a pleased Father to His adored daughters. I know there are much greater gifts than money or riches or food, but that $25 dollars was one of the most significant of my life. Ever. A TRUE gift and blessing. It was a wonderful show of love!
So I sit tonight, AGAIN, in grateful awe and wonder. Greatful for the beautiful people God has placed in my life, and grateful for a Papa that loves me so much I can't even FATHOM it! And I am filled with JOY!
Wednesday, March 4, 2009
Day 8: How?!
How, oh God, can You continue to bring new revelations OVER and OVER and OVER!? How can you be everywhere, in everything and always present in ALL things? How can you hear the heart of every person and know their pain?! I know you CAN and ARE doing all of this, but I can't help but wonder... HOW?! I know, even if you tried to tell me, I'd probably be totally lost, but... I still am in awe and wonder at it! Everyday seems like a new day to be even more amazed by You, God. YOU ARE WONDERFUL! AMAZING! INCREDIBLE! BEAUTIFUL! LOVING! PERFECT! GOD AND FATHER! And You love me... You spend your days and nights trying to explain things to me over and over and over... HOW, oh God, do You put up with me? That is the greatest wonder and mystery of them all... I break your heart, I forget, I throw fits, I, I, I think about me all the time! How?! But more importantly... thank You, papa... thank you... thank you... thank you... thank you... thank you... thank you... thank you... thank you... thank you... THANK YOU! It looks little like Yours and has almost no resemblence to the magnamity of Yours Papa, but i love you. With all that i am, and all that i have, i love you. And even that i learned from You! Even that love, i saw first in Jesus, and knew because YOU loved me. And if i can learn to reflect even a mustard seed of Christ's love in my lifetime, it will be the greatest and only accomplishment worth being remembered when i leave this world and enter YOURS, GOD ALMIGHTY!!!
Tuesday, March 3, 2009
Day 7: Be Still, Ashley, Be Still
"BE STILL AND KNOW THAT I AM GOD." Psalm 46
Over and over I must remind myself of this! In my own inability I think I have to do so much more. Instead of turning to God in my overwhelming moments I so often turn to DOING more, WORKING faster, TRYING harder. And then, a whisper catches me between winded breaths and says, "Be still, Ashley, be still."
I always think I should know more than I do. Whenever I am at a loss for what to do or say I have this tendency to assume that it was something I failed to do. But today, while reading "Holiness, Truth and the Presence of God," it occurred to me that maybe I expect myself to be at the final result before going through the process and time it takes to go from raw to refined...
This realization WOULD in fact be completely feasible for a person like myself. I am often stubborn and impatient and find it legitimately challenging to sit still and just be. Even when I think I am, when I REALLY stop and step back, I often realize, I am not.
So, Lord, as I strive to seek You and understand You, help me to just be still and know You are God. Show me what that means and what it feels like.
Over and over I must remind myself of this! In my own inability I think I have to do so much more. Instead of turning to God in my overwhelming moments I so often turn to DOING more, WORKING faster, TRYING harder. And then, a whisper catches me between winded breaths and says, "Be still, Ashley, be still."
I always think I should know more than I do. Whenever I am at a loss for what to do or say I have this tendency to assume that it was something I failed to do. But today, while reading "Holiness, Truth and the Presence of God," it occurred to me that maybe I expect myself to be at the final result before going through the process and time it takes to go from raw to refined...
This realization WOULD in fact be completely feasible for a person like myself. I am often stubborn and impatient and find it legitimately challenging to sit still and just be. Even when I think I am, when I REALLY stop and step back, I often realize, I am not.
So, Lord, as I strive to seek You and understand You, help me to just be still and know You are God. Show me what that means and what it feels like.
Monday, March 2, 2009
Day 6: Strength & Grace
STRENGTH & GRACE:
I was talking with my sister today, who has recently arrived her
e from Oregon to help and work with us in Mississippi, and she said something really interesting that struck me and made me think. She said, "it's amazing the way God speaks to you here. I mean every single time I do anything or talk about anything He affirms it or gives me scripture or words or something!"
It is so true of Mississippi. Ever since coming here I have known God in such a deeper and richer way... sometimes it is hard to know whether it is the heart or the place that has brought such change and communication with God. There is something to be said for the love and inclusion that you find here in Mississippi. Bay St. Louis is a unique and embracing community. But I know also that God has been in hot pursuit of my heart since my birth and I have only just realized and turned and chosen Him, so it feels like it must be a combination of both, eloquently orchestrated together in God's will and timing.
So we talked on for a little bit, in awe and wonder of our AMAZING and EVER vocal God and we started sharing stories about the different ways He speaks to us. Sometimes we don't even realize how incredibly amazing and cool something is until we sit down and talk to someone about it. Then it kind of hits us, like, OH YEAH! WOW! That is INCREDIBLE! And I realize how blessed and loved I am and I rack my brain trying to figure out how I can ever feel anything opposite. Why are we so fickle?
So I was telling her about my week. It began with STRENGTH and GRACE. How do two such words and concepts come together, you might wonder... well God is determined to show me. And every time I forget to seek Him about it or forget to pray for it, He refocuses my thoughts, right back to these two things... right back to HIS will for my present learning! I shared with Di my concept of strength and its challenges, she expressed compassionately the value of weakness. "True strength," she said, "is manifest in grace!" I pondered. "Sometimes, the greatest strength comes in allowing yourself to be weak. And when you are weak, you can administer grace. Which is what strength is."
The next day (and I mentioned this on Day 1 already), Father Sebastian said, "may God give us the grace to stay faithful during this Lenten season." And I thought... "grace?" isn't this gonna take strength to stick to our fasts and allow ourselves to really enter into repentance while we diligently and fearfully seek the Lord and His ways for us! But it is by Christ's strength, manifest in grace that we have any strength at all to remain faithful during Lent!
So I contemplated that night these two words that once seemed so ambiguous and separate from each other, trying to more deeply understand the impact of everything I was learning and hearing. The next day I got to talk with Jaron Manyama, who is as a brother to me and who always has such amazing insight into all things. We don't talk often enough so we talked about so many things, but the conversation started pulling toward the concept of strength and I was very poorly trying to articulate what I was trying to comprehend and all that I was learning. And Jaron, as he ALWAYS does, instantly had a scripture for me! Jaron said to me, "Paul talks about strength and weakness in 2 Corinthians 12, somewhere near the end of the chapter, check it out." (This is gonna blow your mind!) I looked it up and 2 Corinthians 12:9-10 reads:
BUT HE SAID TO ME, "MY GRACE IS SUFFICIENT FOR YOU, FOR MY POWER IS MADE PERFECT IN WEAKNESS." THEREFORE I WILL BOAST ALL THE MORE GLADLY ABOUT MY WEAKNESSES SO THAT CHRIST'S POWER MAY REST ON ME. THAT IS WHY, FOR CHRIST'S SAKE, I DELIGHT IN WEAKNESSES, IN INSULTS, IN HARDSHIPS, IN PERSECUTIONS, IN DIFFICULTIES. FOR WHEN I AM WEAK, THEN I AM STRONG.
Christ says, "my GRACE is sufficient for you!" Not His strength! And then He calls us to let go of our strength and allow ourselves to be weak; that His power is "PERFECT in weakness." It is when we allow our "strength" to be weakness, that Christ can administer His grace, which will bring us HIS strength!
AMAZING! When I am confused He speaks to me! When I am forgetful he reminds me!
My Discipline this week:
Psalm 46: 10 "Be still and KNOW that I AM GOD."
When we are constantly exerting our strength in moving and judging and striving to DO, we forget that when we allow ourselves the weakness of being still, we will KNOW WHO GOD IS! And that He can administer His grace to us.
My Bible verses for the first day of my discipline this week:
2 Corinthians: 7-10
HAHA! You did it again Papa! I'm gettin' it, I'm gettin' it!
Final Reflection: It was by grace that Jesus laid down all His own strength and power and gave us life eternal! His strength was that He was willing to be weak, that we might know grace!
I was talking with my sister today, who has recently arrived her
e from Oregon to help and work with us in Mississippi, and she said something really interesting that struck me and made me think. She said, "it's amazing the way God speaks to you here. I mean every single time I do anything or talk about anything He affirms it or gives me scripture or words or something!"It is so true of Mississippi. Ever since coming here I have known God in such a deeper and richer way... sometimes it is hard to know whether it is the heart or the place that has brought such change and communication with God. There is something to be said for the love and inclusion that you find here in Mississippi. Bay St. Louis is a unique and embracing community. But I know also that God has been in hot pursuit of my heart since my birth and I have only just realized and turned and chosen Him, so it feels like it must be a combination of both, eloquently orchestrated together in God's will and timing.
So we talked on for a little bit, in awe and wonder of our AMAZING and EVER vocal God and we started sharing stories about the different ways He speaks to us. Sometimes we don't even realize how incredibly amazing and cool something is until we sit down and talk to someone about it. Then it kind of hits us, like, OH YEAH! WOW! That is INCREDIBLE! And I realize how blessed and loved I am and I rack my brain trying to figure out how I can ever feel anything opposite. Why are we so fickle?
So I was telling her about my week. It began with STRENGTH and GRACE. How do two such words and concepts come together, you might wonder... well God is determined to show me. And every time I forget to seek Him about it or forget to pray for it, He refocuses my thoughts, right back to these two things... right back to HIS will for my present learning! I shared with Di my concept of strength and its challenges, she expressed compassionately the value of weakness. "True strength," she said, "is manifest in grace!" I pondered. "Sometimes, the greatest strength comes in allowing yourself to be weak. And when you are weak, you can administer grace. Which is what strength is."
The next day (and I mentioned this on Day 1 already), Father Sebastian said, "may God give us the grace to stay faithful during this Lenten season." And I thought... "grace?" isn't this gonna take strength to stick to our fasts and allow ourselves to really enter into repentance while we diligently and fearfully seek the Lord and His ways for us! But it is by Christ's strength, manifest in grace that we have any strength at all to remain faithful during Lent!
So I contemplated that night these two words that once seemed so ambiguous and separate from each other, trying to more deeply understand the impact of everything I was learning and hearing. The next day I got to talk with Jaron Manyama, who is as a brother to me and who always has such amazing insight into all things. We don't talk often enough so we talked about so many things, but the conversation started pulling toward the concept of strength and I was very poorly trying to articulate what I was trying to comprehend and all that I was learning. And Jaron, as he ALWAYS does, instantly had a scripture for me! Jaron said to me, "Paul talks about strength and weakness in 2 Corinthians 12, somewhere near the end of the chapter, check it out." (This is gonna blow your mind!) I looked it up and 2 Corinthians 12:9-10 reads:
BUT HE SAID TO ME, "MY GRACE IS SUFFICIENT FOR YOU, FOR MY POWER IS MADE PERFECT IN WEAKNESS." THEREFORE I WILL BOAST ALL THE MORE GLADLY ABOUT MY WEAKNESSES SO THAT CHRIST'S POWER MAY REST ON ME. THAT IS WHY, FOR CHRIST'S SAKE, I DELIGHT IN WEAKNESSES, IN INSULTS, IN HARDSHIPS, IN PERSECUTIONS, IN DIFFICULTIES. FOR WHEN I AM WEAK, THEN I AM STRONG.
Christ says, "my GRACE is sufficient for you!" Not His strength! And then He calls us to let go of our strength and allow ourselves to be weak; that His power is "PERFECT in weakness." It is when we allow our "strength" to be weakness, that Christ can administer His grace, which will bring us HIS strength!
AMAZING! When I am confused He speaks to me! When I am forgetful he reminds me!
My Discipline this week:
Psalm 46: 10 "Be still and KNOW that I AM GOD."
When we are constantly exerting our strength in moving and judging and striving to DO, we forget that when we allow ourselves the weakness of being still, we will KNOW WHO GOD IS! And that He can administer His grace to us.
My Bible verses for the first day of my discipline this week:
2 Corinthians: 7-10
HAHA! You did it again Papa! I'm gettin' it, I'm gettin' it!
Final Reflection: It was by grace that Jesus laid down all His own strength and power and gave us life eternal! His strength was that He was willing to be weak, that we might know grace!
Sunday, March 1, 2009
Day 5: What would you have me write about...
I am resigned to write tonight... and even feel like writing... but I know not what about! What, Holy Spirit, would you most like to write about? What would you have me say, Jesus?
We visited with Di today. Always an enlightening experience, but even more refreshingly an open environment to share, process and learn. A setting that allows and embraces all three is often VERY hard to find. We talked about a lot of things, but one of the most interesting realizations I made tonight was about food... I got your interest now! Let me explain further!
We were talking about the inclusion of food in our lives and how it is present for all of our meetings, gatherings, family events, church functions, workshops, and on and on. We realized that we are so enamored with food, and life so often seems centered around its influence. Cake is expected and often anticipated at birthday parties and weddings. We have potlucks, barbeques, community suppers, charity dinners, and picnics. There is a saying down here in the South: "Lets do lunch." In the words of Morgan tonight this mentality seems "addictive". Why can't we discipline ourselves? Why don't we do other things as much... like exercise?
But after a minute of contemplation I realized I actually like going to dinner with family and friends. I really like cooking a meal for friends, or more often practiced, eating a home cooked meal at someone else’s house. HAHA. I like that focus. And then, as I tend to do with EVERYTHING these days, I thought about how the topic related to my walk with God. In my own spiritual life and communications I prefer to focus on things of substance instead of just fluff and air. I like to talk and live and walk in things that will leave me and others present with something to chew on and fill our "spiritual bellies". I like to have a focus and I prefer (at most times require) conversation, prayer, worship and so on, to center around "spiritual food". The danger, I guess, is in the type of "food". There are some edibles that leave us empty afterward because they were hollow, or leave us sick because they were false or rotten, or leave us "spiritually fat" because we take it all in and add it to our "spiritual waistline" instead of using it and sharing it.
What better "spiritual food" can we fathom to be more filling than Jesus Christ,
Himself? Every Sunday, when Father Sebastian does Communion he says, "We offer these gifts to Jesus who has made Himself for us our spiritual food!" In Matthew 26: 26 when Jesus breaks the bread during the Last Supper He says "...take and eat; this is my body." Jesus, who has made Himself our food, asks that we center our lives around Him in order that we might enter the Kingdom of God.
We so often mirror the spiritual in the physical. Food, in both the physical and the spiritual is so important. It is what we eat and who we share it with that will determine its effect on us and its level of value and worth in our lives.
We visited with Di today. Always an enlightening experience, but even more refreshingly an open environment to share, process and learn. A setting that allows and embraces all three is often VERY hard to find. We talked about a lot of things, but one of the most interesting realizations I made tonight was about food... I got your interest now! Let me explain further!
We were talking about the inclusion of food in our lives and how it is present for all of our meetings, gatherings, family events, church functions, workshops, and on and on. We realized that we are so enamored with food, and life so often seems centered around its influence. Cake is expected and often anticipated at birthday parties and weddings. We have potlucks, barbeques, community suppers, charity dinners, and picnics. There is a saying down here in the South: "Lets do lunch." In the words of Morgan tonight this mentality seems "addictive". Why can't we discipline ourselves? Why don't we do other things as much... like exercise?But after a minute of contemplation I realized I actually like going to dinner with family and friends. I really like cooking a meal for friends, or more often practiced, eating a home cooked meal at someone else’s house. HAHA. I like that focus. And then, as I tend to do with EVERYTHING these days, I thought about how the topic related to my walk with God. In my own spiritual life and communications I prefer to focus on things of substance instead of just fluff and air. I like to talk and live and walk in things that will leave me and others present with something to chew on and fill our "spiritual bellies". I like to have a focus and I prefer (at most times require) conversation, prayer, worship and so on, to center around "spiritual food". The danger, I guess, is in the type of "food". There are some edibles that leave us empty afterward because they were hollow, or leave us sick because they were false or rotten, or leave us "spiritually fat" because we take it all in and add it to our "spiritual waistline" instead of using it and sharing it.
What better "spiritual food" can we fathom to be more filling than Jesus Christ,
Himself? Every Sunday, when Father Sebastian does Communion he says, "We offer these gifts to Jesus who has made Himself for us our spiritual food!" In Matthew 26: 26 when Jesus breaks the bread during the Last Supper He says "...take and eat; this is my body." Jesus, who has made Himself our food, asks that we center our lives around Him in order that we might enter the Kingdom of God.We so often mirror the spiritual in the physical. Food, in both the physical and the spiritual is so important. It is what we eat and who we share it with that will determine its effect on us and its level of value and worth in our lives.
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