Day 25: Power tripper

I have always wanted to protect my sister. I was first born. I was brave. I was quick witted and quick moving. I just knew it was my born duty: Don't let an ounce of harm come to my little sister. We were always the closest two people that anyone had ever met. Twins often have an indescribable closeness that can't be understood. It is the most natural thing in the world... if you are a twin. Otherwise, it is hard to fathom. While it is a bond that is unique and unbelievably intricate and close, it is a bond riddled with false roles and misunderstandings. Twins, in my experience, have HORRIBLE boundaries. I mean one can easily see why, the most natural relationship in the world to them is one that is almost without borders and restrictions. Even in the womb there is no personal space or experience.

And then, when you try to collide the twin world with the "real" world, it often results in unhealthy relationships. The world will often takes advantage of such boundaries... not because it means to do such harm, but because it consists of humans. We allow those who don't know relationships like ours to have the same boundaries with us. We try to love everyone like we love each other, not realizing that so many can't love us back that way... they simply do not know how.

Growing up... loving someone as dearly as I did at such a young age... my little girl heart wanted to protect that other more than anything else on earth. Even if it meant holding the other back... or withholding herself from the world in order to stay back and protect. And when I couldn't protect... when the world hurt her anyway, despite all my strength and effort... I hated myself. I hated the the harmfuls. And my job only became more important. It could not happen again! Oh, how long I have locked myself and my sister in that need. How many opportunities I have let slip by. How many joys I have sacrificed for us both.

But more importantly... what breaks my heart to realize... is how many times I have stood in the way between her and Christ, and kept her from living. I have been such a power tripper! I thought I could be strong enough to keep anything from hurting her ever. The hardest thing I have ever given up, in my life ever, was the job of protecting Heather. But I realize, despite how much it rips at my heart to let her go, that only Christ has the strength and the power to truly protect her. I can only do what He gives me. I can only pray that He protects her. I have wanted to be the closest thing to her so that I can always keep her safe and out of harm beneath my battered and inadequately sized wing... I have wanted her closer to me than to Christ...

Oh, forgive me Jesus...

Show me what life looks like after this. Show me how to really let her go. Be her everything, as You are mine. I am so sorry.