Get Up Ash!

For two mornings in a row I have set my alarm clock, and two mornings in a row I have wakened before it. Yesterday I woke 25 minutes early, setting my alarm clock for 10 minutes before we needed to leave for work. Today I set my alarm 45 minutes early and woke up 1 minute before it went off. At least I got it right that time!

So why the early rising? I don't know, usually God tries to get me up, but I just roll on over and say, "good morning, glad your up, I'll just have a few more minutes." You see, some people just pop right up! No problem! The sun is up... they are up... all is well. Some of us are not wired that way. But God, none the less, wants our sleep. For us, it is more important, because we cherish it. And especially when God taps us on the shoulder and we roll over! Sleep has been one of those last things I've clung to. I've somehow justified it's hold on me until now but God is asking for it... how long could I resist? I don't really care to know.

The last two days, as I've not rolled over, I have woken to little flutters in my stomach. If you have ever experienced anxiety or severe anxiety as I have, this is translated as a symptom. But this morning a new idea struck me.

I'm in a place, where I am really unsteady and unsure, and where some of the harder parts of my past and present life are coming to surface again where I can't ignore them. And trusting God in these things has been a challenge for me. Giving these things to Him that I have told myself I can deal with, I can get over has been a challenge.

And I was reminded of something my mama di prayed over me a few days ago as I was headed to a very scary job interview. She prayed, "and those butterflies in her stomach that she is feeling... let her know that those are just a reminder that she needs to lean on You right now, Father, and trust in You."

But my sleep is not really the intention of this blog, though it is part of it. It is part of a total surrender. And recently, many of my ties and strings have been uncovered and illuminated for me to see and break. So today, when I woke to the gentle tap of God and I rolled not into the wall but out of bed and put my feet on the floor, I knew I wanted to just be with Him however He wanted. So I got up, threw some water on my face and grabbed my Bible. I have been in Psalms for the last month, as God has been teaching me about praise and prayer and worship, but today I wanted to look for a scripture that di had given me yesterday. I never did find it... but I did find Isaiah 32: 9-20. A scripture about my life's journey. A scripture in EXACT parallel with my story. How does He do that?!

The Women of Jerusalem

You women who are so complacent,
rise up and listen to me:
you daughters who feel secure,
hear what I have to say!

In little more than a year
you who feel secure will tremble;
the grape harvest will fail,
and the harvest of fruit will not come.

Tremble, you complacent women;
shudder, you daughters who feel secure!
Strip off your clothes,
put sackcloth around your waists.

Beat your breasts for the pleasant fields,
for the fruitful vines

and for the land of my people
a land overgrown with thorns and briers-
yes, mourn for all houses of merriment
and for this city of revelry

The fortress will be abandoned,
the noisy city deserted;
citadel and watchtower will become a wasteland forever,
the delight of donkeys, a pasture for flocks,

till the Spirit is poured upon us from on high,
and the desert becomes a fertile field,
and the fertile field seems like a forest.

Justice will dwell in the desert and righteousness live in the fertile field,

The fruit of righteousness will be peace;
the effect of righteousness will be
quietness and confidence forever.

My people will live in peaceful dwelling places
in secure homes,
in undistrubed places of rest.

Though hail flattens the forest and the city is leveled completely,

how blessed you will be,
sowing your seed by every stream,
and letting your cattle and donkeys range free.

Dee

Today, has been weary and long and full of the magnamity of my own inadequacies and helplessness... not because I have done any great wrong, but because I walk in things I do not understand, that I cannot explain or stay strong through. My heart is laden with things heavier than I have ever carried, my mind is lost in the selection or the ability to find the right things to say... what do I feel? What do I say? How do I pray?

On my knees or with my head in my hands I have sat in the desire to know so much more about God, about His Word, about how to pray, about how to stay in God's strength... this is how I have spent so much of today. I have prayed for healing and comfort and peace and understanding. I have poured out everything I know... everything I know how to give...

I wish I could fly on wings with blinding speed to Alabama and just wrap my arms around brother Jaron and Papa Manyama. But I can't. And not knowing why is part of the struggle. Not knowing what exactly they need or want is part of my confusion. So I will keep reading and praying. I will keep asking and hoping.

The last scripture on my mind tonight, we heard in Church yesterday... "And the victory that conquers the world is faith." (1John 5)

So I will go off to bed with all the faith in God I can muster... His ways are not my ways, I must remember. As far as Heaven is above Earth, that is how high His ways are above mine...

Thy will be done, oh God, on Earth, as it is in Heaven... Holy, Holy, Holy is the Lord, God Almighty! I put my trust in You, my Jesus, Almighty Healer, All-knowing Savior, All-powerful God! Give us all peace... comfort... understanding. I pray for Dee. I pray for Jaron. I pray for Pastor and Malima and Elijah. Let us listen in, that all might be revealed to us.

Good night Love. Thank you for being God. Help me to embrace that more... and show me how to walk in Your ways and Your will.

Day 47: EASTER SUNDAY!!!

CHRIST IS RISEN!!!

Day 46: New Life: Easter Vigil Saturday

I woke early! I was due at church for Confirmation practice at 10 am so I had set my alarm for 9:30. But when I woke, it wasn't to my alarm. Something else had woken me, and my mind was already running when I went from asleep to full conciousness. I thought, "oh God, let me just sleep a few more minutes. Just until my alarm goes off."

And He said, "oh, Ashley, get up and look at the time!"

I sighed and sat up to locate my phone which was buried somewhere in my covers. I found it, flipped it over and hit a button to make the light come on. 7:20.

"WHAT?!" I shot up out of bed. "Well, what is it? You must have me up for a reason if it's this early!"

My sleepiness had me too hazy to realize that God wanted me up... and now! So I jumped up, grabbed my Bible and "Disciplines of the Inner Life" and went into Di's peaceful, unoccupied office. I knelt on the floor facing the window and asked God what He wanted to talk about. I didn't hear anything for a minute, so I looked out the window... looking for Him. What I saw was a beautiful blooming bush with tiny white flowers. Hundreds of flowers adorned each branch in a bunch at the end. Like a bride's boquet. "Oh, there You are," I said, "I can see you in your beautiful creation. I will always think of Confirmation when I see those flowers now, Papa."

I started talking and praying about Confirmation, getting excited and just going through all my hopes for the day, and I could feel the Holy Spirit just dancing and laughing around the room. Eventually the presence of God was so powerful that I finally just laid down, flat on my face and praised God! His glory was that strong! Finally I heard Him say, "Get up."

So I sat up on my knees again and looked out at His beauty. And He said, "this is not only your Confirmation, my beloved. This is your Coronation. Around your neck you will wear a garland of peace. Atop your head a crown of love. And a robe of light will trail behind you." It was so AWESOME! It felt like I was being Knighted or something... I didn't know what a Coronation was, but it was the most special thing in the world to me! I had heard the word before, but had no clue what it meant. It was THE best morning of my entire life! Ever... ever... wait... EVER!

Later I asked Di what a Coronation was, because I hoped to gain some understanding about what God was really doing. "Its when somebody is crowned."

I cried.

She went on. "We used to do Coronation services at camp. We would crown the girls! And you couldn't convince them that those were not real crowns. It comes from Psalm 45."

Tears.

"We had a Coronation service once. At a women's retreat. Beauty for Ashes we called it. The women brought their ashes to God and exchanged them for beauty. It was powerful!"

And I realized, in place of the sins and burdens I brought to Christ at the Cross on Good Friday, God was crowning me with Love. I was exchanging my ashes for beauty. Princess Ashley Elizabeth.

Confirmation was everything I hoped it would be... and more... and even more than I can fathom. And I knew it. I could feel it was beyond my scope. I cannot fully describe the magnitude of this night. Most of it lies beyond the realm of explaination. But I can say that I am full! That my heart, my soul, my life... all are full! Full of the Spirit of God and the gift of the body and blood of Christ.

I thought of the woman at the well. I thought of what Jesus told her about "living water"... and I thought, I shall neither hunger nor thirst again! I thought of new life... God fills us with LIFE. Life's purpose is to live for Christ! The inevitable outcome of life is... LIFE! I thought of God's love... and how blessed I am, because He loves me so much. He has drawn me to Him. He has allowed me to walk with Him on the road of LIFE! He is GOOD! All the time! And all the time! He is Good!

OOOOOOOOOOOHHHHHHHHHHHH THANK YOU, THANK YOU, THANK YOU, LORD!!!

Day 45: Good Friday

Today was not a mass. There is never a mass on Good Friday because the Host is not in the church... but it is one of the most intense and powerful services I have ever been to.

When we first came in, and the host was gone and the church was cold and hollow and filled with solemn absence, there was a moment of realization. Christ did die for us. Christ did leave this Earth, His body went into the ground, and He endured the ultimate sacrifice. And there are some whose "temples" (the Word says our bodies are our temples) are still without the Host. How long did my own temple lay cold and bare like that.

And I sat, for the first time tonight, at the foot of the crucified Christ, while He suffered and died in utter agony of love for us... and I thought, "what have I done? What have I done to my Lord?" I wept at the feet of the One I had condemned. He died for me, because I would sin, and seperate myself from my Father, and from Him. Over and over I must rely on the grace and mercy of His sacrifice.

And Christ knew me! He knew I would sin against God. He knew I would condemn Him. And He still died. And I realized how many times with my anger, my pride, my indifference, my arrogance, my fear... that I have stood in the crowd and yelled, "crucify Him!"

And here I am tonight, in the mud of my own contradiction, under His dying outstreched form, weeping for His suffering... wishing there were some way I could undo it. Wishing I could bring something that would ease the weight of the "cup" He had to bear. And realizing that, as Di said tonight, there is nothing I can bring Him but my sin... and my grieved, repentent heart.

Tonight was the LAST night that I won't be able to take communion and celebrate the Eucharist with everyone... and tomorrow I will eat of the bread, Christ's body, and drink of the cup, the blood He poured out for me.

I am speechless. I am humbled. I am so unworthy of such a love as Your's, oh Christ... and You still have let me follow You. You have drawn me near! I love You... I love You... I love You...

Day 44: Holy Thursday & Washing Feet

Tonight, I am writing this blog from within the St. Rose walls. For creative and cognitive inspiration I have the four most intensely filled and lovely walls in the whole world! I sit in the throne room itself tonight and get to fathom the WONDERS and the mystries of my FAVORITE person: my KING, my GOD, my LORD, my SAVIOR - JESUS CHRIST!

An immeasurable amount of experiences and memories of the day run joyfully and exuberantly through my silent, reverent mind. I am EXACTLY where I am supposed to be tonight! For the first time in my life, there is absoluetely NO DOUBT that I am walking the path that is intended for me and its new, and its strange and its unmapped, but I am not alone and I am NOT AFRAID! I am... grateful... I am full of awe... and I cannot help but exclaim in my heart and on this paper... THANK YOU, OH MY JESUS! ALL GLORY AND HONOR AND POWER TO YOU, OH GOD, FOREVER AND EVER AND EVER!

I have cursed You, I have denied Your power and care, I have doubted You, I have withheld my love and my prayers, I have been angry at You... I have drivin the nails in deeper so many times... and still you wash my feet. Still You stop to clean my heart and catch my tears, still You allow me to sit with You and still You love me... Still You broke Your body for me and poured out Your blood, spread Your sinless, clean hands wide over the cross and DIED for me. For everyone!

Oh, my Jesus... can I just sit at Your feet forever? Can I just dwell in Your love and presence forever? Can I wash your feet tonight with the tears of my broken heart... may my words be like sweet, expensive perfume... and my worship and desire dry your feet?

You have called me here... I will obey! With ALL of me! I withold nothing, my Jesus! I want to follow you everywhere, and live only to love You. Like John. Let me simply serve You Jesus, so that I may always be humbly near and follow You wherever You go!

Day 43: My CPU

I learned about the mind even MORE today! I love when the Lord keeps blossoming one concept over time for me! He has such devotion for my growth, and a patience beyond any I've ever experienced!

Today, while eating a dinner out with Heather and Brother Dominic, the topic of the mind came up during conversation and Brother said something so great. He said that the modern day computer is a sort of mirror of the human mind. It is our mind that worked as the blueprint and format for how our personal computers work today. The cache memory is the here and now; it is what we are currently working on and what we are presently processing. Then there is the desktop. The desktop is our priorities, or most used files and programs. Its the plate that we are working off of... our work and life load. Then, there is the hard drive. Here we have our memories. SO MANY memories. Each file is in there, some harder to locate than others, our files as organized and manageable as we choose to keep them.

And I know, if pondered long enough, there would be sooooo many more great comparisons...

But what struck me was that our minds have so many parts, and folders and files and programs and software, and... and we have to seek every part of this elaborate system and systematically give it to God. We have ot be willing to wipe our hard drives clean if He asks and only allow God's data and programs to be stored there. There are parts of our thoughts and memories and past that are permanent... that even a wiped hard drive won't clear away. This is usually because these things are necessary to life. If we clear them, the computer dies.

But we can take Jesus there! I read a powerful book last year that changed my life and the way I deal with my inerasable files. It was called "Captivating", and one thing that it led me to do was take Jesus to those immovable memories that will always be there and allow Him to transform them! To allow Christ to heal those moments with His love and His presence and change them from hindering to useful and powerful testimonies in my life! Our minds are absolutely and completely penetrable!

I continue to love You with ALL my mind, Lord my God!

Sleep sweet! Well, since you neither "slumber nor sleep", may I sleep sweet and may You find a place to rest in me! Night Daddy!

Day 42: Addressing God?

When we address God, how should this look? What do we say? How do we introduce ourselves?

I wonder how Jesus addressed God. He often took time to just step away and be with God. He took time, amidst all the things He had to do to just be with His Father. He also found rest in it, and would go to the Father for peace!

Phillipians 2 said that Jesus, though He was made of the same stuff as God, His Father, still humbled Himself before God and would not look for equality or acknowledge His equality with God.

That's powerful for so many reasons.
One, because He WAS equal with God, but choose to put Himself below Him, so great was His love and devotion to His Father. The Message Bible says, "He had equal status with God but didn't think so much of Himself that He had to cling to the advantages of that status no matter what. Not at all. "

Two, He knew He would eventually have to die if He continued on His humble path, and could have avoided it if He would have accepted and completely lived in His true power. In the Words of the Message Bible: "When the time came, He set aside the privileges of deity and took on the status of a slave, became human! Having become human, He stayed human. It was an incredibly humbling process. He didn't claim special privileges. Instead He lived a selfless, obedient life and then died a selfless, obedient death - the worst kind of death at that - a crucifixion." WOW.

Three, He was to become the model! His life would be the ultimate standard and the ultimate teaching plan of what God wanted from us! His experiences, His actions and the way He addressed God would set the bar... The Message again, "Think of yourselfs the way Christ Jesus thought of himself."

Wow... So, two things come to mind. I have a lllooonnnggg way to go, and one AWESOME SAVIOR! So, my journey into the mind of the Word continues. If I want to know How to address God I need only to look to Jesus!

I'm lookin'!

Day 41: So... about this mind thing!

A couple days ago I learned the importance of loving God with all my mind! To love Him with every part of my thought life and every part of my internal, hidden processes. My heart... that is a work in progress, but it's His! My mind... my mind is a slightly out of control, cluttery mess. My thoughts so often creep up on me. When life isn't happening in 4th gear, and there is an opportunity for scenery, my mind wanders off, lookin' for trouble. And its so natural and easy to just let it run. Kind of like auto pilot. But when I stop and focus on all of those "careless" thoughts... its amazing how many of them aren't careless. Its horrifying how many of them are judgements, or anxieties, maybe fears, doubts, complaints! And this is not intentional! Sometimes, I see it coming and I give it permission; maybe because I'm lazy or because I'm angry and I want to think about all the ways somebody is making me mad... many different reasons. But many times I snap out of bad thoughts. Kind of like bad dreams!

So what do I do about those?!

Hahaha... hopeless frustrated questions always have great answers! Check out Philippians 2! I found out today... there is more to this mind battle. We are not just called to love the Lord our God with all our mind... we are also called to have a mind LIKE Christ's! A mind like Christ's doesn't run off! A mind like Christ's has ONE thing at its center... one focus... GOD! What does this mean? This means that we are not only willing to love God with our minds and direct praise from within our thoughts OUT toward Him... but we are also to commit our minds to be as Jesus' mind is! To entertain the same thoughts as His. To think and reason and process as Jesus Himself does! A mind that allows Christ to infiltrate and penetrate INTO our thoughts and find perminant residence!

Whew... this is a WHOLE other level!! Well... I'll take one last breath... LETS GO JESUS! I'm ready! :D I just LOVE the way your mind works, Jesus!!! Can I have it?!

Day 40: Wonder

I am very tired tonight. It is late. Almost 1 am, haha. And tomorrow shall begin early. 7am. 6 hours of sleep. AND ITS GONNA BE GREAT!

6 whole hours! That's good! I could have gone to bed an hour ago... but this time I've spent with God and in the Word, and in thought and prayer... no sleep can top that! Wouldn't trade a second of it for any amount of sleep.

May I never lose my wonder for God. When I read the word, or pray with Him and think of how He makes Himself known in everything, I am filled with joy. I am so full of awe and gratefulness that God has let me in on the secret... given me eyes to see even a sliver His mystery!

I long for even more WONDER! I long to know Him more and more! To understand Him more and more. When I am lost in the depths of God, and He is revealing things to my heart, whether they are great or small, it is always all-consuming! Everything is profound and full of amazement... and I wonder, how I ever turn from that place. If I were always the "craziest" person in the room, so what?! If others didn't wanna come to "crazy" with me, who cares. We typically only see enthusiasm and awe and unshakable joy as traits of "crazy" when we don't want to look outside of our struggles or our darkness. When surface and coolness are all we want to share.

I don't really want to live there... ever... again.

There it is. Short and sweet tonight! I love you WONDERFUL God!

Day 39: ALL!

What will become of this heart? I lay and ponder tonight if I will ever overcome all that holds me back, all my "struggles". The mind is a beautiful place, but also very frightening. Such power exists in its fears and its misunderstandings. Such trepidation springs into my heart when I think of what is still to come. So as I pray and read with God... I am given this to ponder... In Luke 10 25-28 Jesus asks a man what the most important thing is? And the man responds, "LOVE the Lord you God with ALL your HEART (this is the most perceivable because love seems to spring from the heart), ALL your SOUL (all our emotion and will), ALL your STRENGTH (our ability to accept His grace) and ALL YOUR MIND (that means every thought and idea, every fear, every misunderstanding)!!"

This is THE MOST IMPORTANT thing we have to do on this Earth. God wants it all! He gave His all for us... He gave us all the ability to choose what we wanted, do what we wanted, love Him if we wanted... He gave us all the opportunity to share eternal joy with Him in Heaven! In return, He wants our all. So that He can transform us! If we give Him ALL the burdens of our hearts, He can carry them and transform them to victories in His love for us... If we give Him ALL the questions and the doubts of our minds, He can transform them into faith... If we give Him ALL the transgressions of our souls, He can cover them with His mercy... If we give Him ALL our strength, He can administer His grace! He replaces fear with hope, sorrow with joy, the death of sin with eternal life!!!

Here I am, Lord... ALL OF ME! I LOVE YOU!

Day 38: Do you know or do you believe

I made a really cool realization today: there is a divine difference between knowing something is true, and believing it is true. You can know all about something, understand its concepts, grasp its potential and see its importance, but you can't walk in its truth until you believe in it. It is one of the ways that often separates Christians from the rest of the world.

"I would like to learn just one thing from you: Did you receive the Spirit by observing the law, or by believing what you heard? Are you so foolish? After beginning with the Spirit, are you now trying to attain your goal by human effort?" (Galatians 3: 2-3)

I was in the midst of a conversation today about God's love, going on between two wonderful people. One said to the other, "If you never overcame your struggle, God would still love you. You don't have to do anything, God won't care, He will still love you!"

And the other replied, "yeah that's true. I know, I know."

And the response was, "you know but you don't believe!"

And then the conversation went on to some unknown place that I didn't hear because it was such a profound and simple realization for me that my being couldn't let pass without chewing! The key to depth with God is faith. Faith in His love. Faith in His provision. Faith in Him! We can know stuff about Him, and read the Bible and know more stuff, and listen to a great song and know more, but until we have the faith to believe in all that we think we know it remains floating above the ocean waves, and we remain on the surface of His unending depths, treading water. It is the belief that allows us to dive into His presence and truth and... HIS LOVE!

As Galatians says, it is not by our knowledge of the law that God works and gives us His Spirit, but it is by believing in Him! We can know He is there. Our hearts and souls know it. We know it when we look in the face of creation and have no idea where to begin the questioning, or find the words for our awe... but until we believe, we don't experience the grace and depths of God. We cannot embrace His love. Rather we only witness His power.

Powerfully Lovely!

Also, today was my first confession. And it was absolutely amazing. The Holy Spirit was all over that room... and every ounce of fear and nervousness turned to complete humility and repentance as I stared into the depths of Jesus and He cleansed me of my sins. I am so grateful for the God lead tradition of confession in the Catholic church. And for Father Sebastian, who takes delight in allowing the Holy Spirit to live and move through the lives of God's children. Today was POWERFUL! All around!

And I got a slammin' fab dress from my sponsor, which we shopped for today and she got me for my confirmation... and the coolest part is that she got me to go and try on dresses, which was such a God thing, because I was so afraid I would see ugliness and undesirable things in the mirror today so I was struggling with going... but I didn't! Instead it was totally a blast to realize and walk in the healing and the blessing of my restored beauty! And FUN shopping experiences, are a wonderful new bonus to my life!!

Thanks for this day, my King. Thank you for Your unconditional love! I BELIEVE YOU AND IN YOU, PAPA! Good night!!! See You in my dreams!

Day 37: Ok 2 Things...

OK! I come tonight with 2 things on my blogging heart...

1.) I have confession tomorrow at 9am... my first confession. That will sound like this: forgive me Father, for I have sinned, it has been my life since my last confession! Hahaha. And I confess... I'm not really ready for it!

Some people struggle with the confession thing, but I really have come to respect it. Confession does a couple of things. Mostly it makes you accountable. I can say it is between me and God, but not really take it to God. And plus, when I know I'm gonna see that Priest around, I'm gonna have extra incentive to really stick to my attempt to not have to take the same problem to confession next time. :D And another really neat thing... lets say I do take my sin to God and skip the confess your sins to one another thing, and God forgives me... but I can't forgive myself. Confession is an opportunity for us to really let it go. To just release the sin and wash it away forever. We realize that sin doesn't have such a grip on us when we are able to share that sin with someone else. Because then the secret is out... and when nobody says, "you're the worst sinner that ever was," or, "you did what?!" then we really allow ourselves to believe that we are free of that sin.

And I say all this in SUCH hope that I'm right! Haha and that I won't just go running out of that room! But be able to really let it all out and not hold back or get scared... I pray that! And that I God will cover up my bad planning and bring to mind all that He wants me to confess, and help me to have words and the confidence to use them!

Alright...

2.) I read 3 Chapters of a book I have really wanted to read for a while now but can't afford. I got to read part of it while chillin' out at Barnes and Nobles today for a couple hours. It is called "The Lambs Supper" by Scott Hahn, and Di always said it was a must read. Before Chapter 1 I knew she wasn't kidding. It may have been the most powerful 3 chapters of the beginning of ANY book I have yet read other than the Bible. I realized why I love Mass in the Catholic church so much, and why Church has been such an impacting place for me over the last two years! I realized that for me, Mass is Heaven! When I experience Mass, I am literally transported into the throne room of Heaven! And it reminded me of the moment that I decided I was going to become Catholic and I really had no other choice. I was kneeling in church during the Eucharistic procession, after I had been up for my blessing and while the remaining rows were going up for the Body and Blood... and something happened.

I call it the flash! And it has happened before. In the past what will happen is I will close my eyes and there will be this bright FLASH and this... vision I will call it... will manifest in my mind. It is always very white, but with dazzle too, and always SO REAL. Little glistening sparkles are everywhere and different wonders happen every time. One time an indescribably brilliant and sparkling vine appeared in midair, right in front of me, and started to grow around me, each new leaf lined and tinged with different brilliant colors. It was soooooooooo cool! But what happens is I get so excited that I open my eyes to see if I'm visibly there, and then it is just the same room I was in before I closed my eyes... and its kind of disappointing.

But this time, when I got the flash, I saw something I had never seen before. I saw row after row after row of people kneeling, facing toward something very bright and far off. It was walking toward us and I can only imagine that it was probably Jesus Himself. Everyone there was wearing white, and in the air and on people's clothes and in people's hair were little dazzling flecks of dust made from all different gemstones, glistening and sailing around the place. Everyone was worshiping, many people were crying, and there was this beautiful, indescribable humming that seemed to lift up from the entire congregation of people in perfect unison in melodious harmony. The entire seen absolutely stole my breath. It was the most beautiful thing I had ever seen. And I started to hum with everyone else, and then, the excitement came and I couldn't help it... my eyes opened. But there was no disappointment. I was still there. I saw St. Rose but everyone was still there and we were still in Heaven, and Jesus was still a brilliant light walking toward us.

And I knew. I began crying and I knew there would be no more wondering if I was supposed to become Catholic. I knew I was home. And Mass seemed to me like... Heaven! And I thought, until today, that it might be a silly comparison and I never really shared this feeling. But as I read Scott Hahn description of Mass as Heaven on Earth, I cried again and realized that Mass is Heaven on Earth to me, and God whispered, "you see, you're not silly," and that what Hahn was talking about was exactly why I couldn't deny the pull of the Catholic Church on my heart and God's call for me to follow Him into something deeper than I'd ever yet known.

And now, I have a quick third thought... I just had such a wonderful night with my family and we shared so many good laughs and thoughts and joys and new horizons that I have to quickly just thank God, again, for this day...

and I just gotta say that I HAD SUCH A JOYFUL, GLORIOUS TIME, in really big CAPS LOCK LETTERS, before I EXPLODE with happiness...Night Papa! YOU are my FAVORITE! THANK YOU, THANK YOU, THANK YOU, THANK YOU, THANK YOU...

Day 36: The life is in the pit!

This is not an original thought, I heard it from Di tonight, but it was something really wonderful that impacted my night that I wanted to write down and share. I learned a lot of incredibly profound things after a wonderful talk with my sponsor/mentor/mama... a lot! But one of the things that she shared with me that really grabbed me was the idea that the life of the fruit is in the pit!

Yeah... the seed is what carries the potential for new life and more good fruit! And yet... it is the part that we throw away! I had never thought of it. I just have to say real quick that I really think that God is so cool because He isn't as mysterious and ambiguous as we often think... really He has something to show us and grow us in just about everything!

So we have a peach market. We pick the ripest (but not too ripe!) specimen. We check it for bruises, worms, all the necessaries; we pluck off it leaves, and we munch! The fleshy part, the part we like to partake of, is sweet and yummy and pleasing and we eat it up vigorously, chomping it down to the pit, and then, while still licking the juice off our fingers, we chuck the life! The inner, harder, not as pleasing to the eye, inedible lump of brown part... is the life. If we plant that we can enjoy 100 more peaches much like it!

But it isn't pleasing. And it takes work. It takes planting, nurturing, growing, pruning, plucking, watering, down in the dirt work! And that is not something us humans are always so excited about or willing to do.

COOL!

What a WONDERFUL NIGHT... thank you so much Papa! SO MUCH! For everything... and for seeds to work on and grow! I am willing... and I love You!

Day 35: Positivity

It is AMAZZZZZING how easily negativity crawls right into our lives, unnoticed, unchecked, and slowly starts to warp our outlook. In this day and age it literally takes zero seconds to find it. Talking to people we have to dodge dart after dart of complaints, problems, gossip. Turn on the TV or radio, flip open the newspaper or a magazine, switch on the internet and woooooosh, a world of bad news awaits your perusal. It is a difficult world, in the midst of a careless, desensitized generation, and these are scary, dangerous times.

But we have a choice what we feed ourselves. When we have to deal with difficult people at work, we can try to select positive filling friends and family to spend off time with. When we have to deal with hard, frustrating circumstances during the day then the last thing we need to see after work is some heart breaking 11 o'clock news or a suspenseful murder mystery.

I once heard this great concept about dealing with people in tricky situations. If you need to talk to someone about something, or confront them with difficult issues, then make sure that you say 8 positive things before the 1 difficult thing. The hard to hear will not fall on such hard, cold stone if we put a nice soft landing down first! And I thought tonight... this should be applied to everything! It doesn't have to be 8 to 1. Lets say 3 to 1. That would be adequate enough to test out my idea. If someone brings us bad news, or a stressful topic enters our day or our mind, we can find 3 good things to break its fall before we "chew" it. Or if we are about to read an article on Yahoo News, and it looks like it might have some negative subject matter, we can stop and read 3 great success stories first... or think of 3 great things that Jesus did today!

And, we can do others the favor too. If we have some bad news we heard and we want or need to share, we can give them 3 positive things first. If we have something critical or difficult to say about somebody, then we can try to have 3 positive things to say about them first. It might keep us off that fine line of gossip too!

I don't know. I just realized today, how many times my mind is infiltrated with heavy topics or burdens or thoughts... and not typically because I sought it, but because it somehow entered my day. And often we can push past it without too much effort... but what about those other times? What about those times when we are in a darker season of our walk, and our load is a little heavier than usual?

Its just something I thought was kind of cool for me to do. I'm gonna try it tomorrow!

Off to sleep! Thanks Papa for an amazing day! You are so incredible!!! And I POSITIVELY, absolutely ADORE You, God!

Day 34: Late night reflections

I have waited until almost midnight to start this blog... which makes me... tired! Haha. But this is my discipline, my devotion and my fast! And, I had some pretty cool experiences that I've decided to just journal... like in old past diaries! Where you just talk about the day and do a play by play of what happened. It will be in that fashion... maybe!

Well today started with week 2 of Mommy and Me, a program we are doing at SOAR in BSL, designed to assist children developmentally and give parents the tools necessary to not only be good at interacting and helping their children, but also in being good advocates for their children in school! Very cool. And it was just really amazing to realize that there were two giants in the child education and development feild sitting in the same room, talking around the same table, discussing issues that have been circulating the education system for years and having real, solid, graspable solutions and intelligent assessments about these challenges! I was once again reminded of an amazing opportunity that I am standing in the midst of, and I have to say, my arms are outstreched wide ready to pull in anything they are willing to offer and teach me. Plus I got to watch baby Hunter interact with the world and that is always a fascinating, miracle of an experience!

Then, later today, Brother Dominic stopped by to ask Morgan about a question she had asked him earlier on his voicemail. He had his hand on the door and was wrapping up his "hello-goodbye" as he asked us how our day went. Suddenly it was three hours later and we had touched on an uncountable number of intriguing discussions and philosophies and topics. We talked about SOAR and all of our programs. We talked about the city and how city government works, which trickled into state goverment and kept going past federal government all the way into the current economic status of our nation. Brother shared an incredibly intelligent and very well articulated philosophy on American life and the current state of the average American physically, emotionally and spiritually, and he gave me some interesting ideas on things to write about in the future.

But the most profoundly impacting part of our discussion was listening to his testimony about being in the Vietnam refugee camps and the poverty and oppression and hopelessness he had come out of because there was no freedom or opportunity there. He said, "When I first came to America I was so sad." It took me back a little. I would have thought he would be absolutely exstatic to be away from there, and sad was not how I had heard the "promise land" spoken of before; but what he said will stick with me forever. He said that when he was in the refugee camps and there was nothing there and all you wanted was to have the resources, the money and the influence to get out, to help your friends and family and to make a difference, America had always been such a dream of all of those things. But when he got here and he saw all of the freedom that we wasted, and saw what we chose to do with our lives, and how we squandered our time and our money and our purpose, he said he was just so sad.

In Vietnam, when a child is smart and blessed enough to make it into one of the few colleges in the country, the entire family goes to work to support that student. And that student becomes a doctor or an engineer or something amazing so that they can be successful, make it out and help their family. In America, we can all go to school if we want. And when the going gets rough we drop out or change our major or only take one course a term. We take such advantage of our opportunites! I felt a little pull on my own heart when I thought about the choices I have made with my opportunities... and the ones that still sit out there... unused.

Then tonight, we went and sat with Di and talked and conversed, and she shared her own experiences of healing and realization over the last couple of weeks. And I realized after a few interesting stories and discussions tonight, that I have some healing of my own that I need to deal with. UGH. And that there are things that I thought were gone that aren't. We talked about "pink eyes", which are better than "rose-colored glasses", because we can take glasses off, but our eyes are in there! Pink eyes is an expression to describe a steady optimism and bright sided view on the hardships of life and the misgivings of the world. And I have prayed for pink eyes since I realized that I am still only wearing the glasses, taking my "pink" off in some of those more painful areas of my life. So I kind of came face to face with some of my own "issues". And that was... kinda frustrating, kinda relieving.

So overall it was just a "kick ya in the butt" kinda day, that was really intense sometimes, but really really cool!

So there. That was my day! Now GOODNIGHT! :D haha

Day 33: Conversation Conversion!

My sister and I had a wonderful talk tonight about everything... we always do. We are extremely good at conversation together. We talk, and listen and care about what each other is feeling and thinking and saying. We give each other time to think and breath and cry if need be. We are patient with each other, looking for ways to patch in lost words or finish sentences. We translate each other's movements and can feel each others moods. We laugh and cry and whisper and talk loud. She is the best conversationalist I have ever known. We are totally open and honest and deep and real with each other in a way we can't be with anyone else. When we talk it is as if we never stopped one conversation... it is simply that life carried us off and we are getting back to the already existing exchange.

And I realized that I long to converse with Jesus this way. Even more deeply in fact. I want to be able to remain in constant conversation with Him. To never have to pick up where we left off because we never left off! Father Jason said today that one of the greatest facilitators in our growth and understanding is conversation... and Jesus is the best conversationalist we can possibly wish to have.

I think it is wonderful that God has given me someone that displays His love in this way. One of my greatest desires is to learn how to "pray unceasingly"! To learn how to direct my life toward God, however dramatic or subtly the moment allows, but toward Him always. If He is always in my thoughts and my heart is desiring to draw nearer to Him, to be more like Jesus, then everything I do and say and think will become prayer. A never ceasing conversation that is more deep than any I have had. Where I am open and listening and translating His movements. Where we laugh and cry and whisper and talk loud. Where He knows me better than myself and shows me how to be better and better. Where I can tell Him anything and He can tell me anything! Where we finish each others sentences... if my sister and I can talk this way, it must be even more possible with Jesus!

And imagine what all of my conversations would look like if the one conversation that really mattered and made a difference in my life were always in progress! Every person I met along the way would simply be entering into an already existing conversation, that never loses interest and promises to bring life!

Cool night! Teach me how to converse with You like this, Jesus!

Day 32: Show me...

So many times a day I get into an unfixable, untalkable, unmaneuverable moment. There are no perfect words... in fact, there is no perfect silence. There are no semi-good words or silences! I am stuck. I am at a loss. Some people seem never to enter these moments... or they seem to always know exactly what to do when they come... so I think they are either as wise as Solomon, or the best actors I have ever know. I am not one of these people. I seem always in the midst of some unexpected perplexing predicament.

Some days I know such unbelievable hope, that I feel as though these things will never bother me again! But... some times, like tonight, the only thing that I wonder is, how could I have done today better? It's not a question sprung from anger... not even frustration or despair... I just long to know how and when some of these... more perplexing predicaments of life will be easier, let a lone avoidable or possible to approach at all.

Show me, God. If I am standing in my own way, which I know I am in more ways that I can see or fathom right now, and keeping myself from growth, search my heart oh, God... and show me Your ways. Show me what I need to see and understand, to overcome the confusion and the loss of the "unfixable" moments.

To change you really have to want to change... and it is a bigger prayer than people think it is... but I, again, with DEEPER sincerity and understanding of what I am asking, and with a more completely willing heart, pray, God, that You show me what You want from me... what do You want me to see? learn? give up? practice? do? change? whatever?! ALL of me, is Yours to do with whatever You want, Jesus! show me...

Day 31: This crazy fast

I remember tonight why God gave me this fast... because it is so hard some nights! And if it weren't for this discipline there are many nights that I wouldn't even attempt to push past my writer's block and write anyway. Some of the most revealing nights of my fast have been a result of pushing past myself and finding God there. I have always had this OBNOXIOUS habit of getting between God and me...

The biggest challenge has been writing even at the end of a long day when I'm tired and my brain seems to have checked out. But even there I have noticed a purpose... so many of these daily entries, as I look back, are full of heart... perhaps because my brain has been at the end of its working rope. My thoughts have not been overpowering, but rather, the things that surface are matters of the heart.

Other lessons of the fast:
I need meat. I long for it. I need protein packed sustenance. There are just so many vegetables and carbs a person can consume before they realize they need more. Veggies are the vitamins and fibers. Carbs are the sweets. And meat gives us nourishment and minerals. A balance of all are important. Just like... OUR SPIRITUAL LIFE... are you surprised?

I need to take more from my spiritual life than just the fillers or the sweets or the easy to digest. There are also those things that build spiritual muscle. The spiritual "meats", full of life building "proteins" that my spirit longs for more of. This fast has been about my need for more.

My need to go deeper.

Day 30: Little drummer girl

I love Christmas music... always have. It is probably one of my favorite parts of the Christmas season. My favorite Christmas song, like even as a really young girl, has always been Little Drummer Boy. Ever heard that one?

Ba rumpa bump bummm...

It's about a little boy with nothing to give to the new born baby Jesus. No silver or gold or jewels or expensive spices or scents. No fine fabrics, no livestock, nothing of significant worldly value. Just a poor boy with a drum. In all his humility the boy still comes to Jesus... despite what the world might have to say about him. Despite what they might think. Though he had nothing to place at the feet of Jesus. He still came...

And he offered what he had. He offered his talent. He offered to play his best for Jesus. He offered to PLAY HIS HEART OUT FOR JESUS! And he did! And what was the reception? Jesus smiled...

:) What a cool song.

I remember I would run around the house as a kid with a pot in one hand, a spoon in the other, singing Little Drummer Boy at the top of my lungs; driving my mother crazy I'm sure. And sometimes when I close my eyes I can still see me, pot in hand, marching around the house. And sitting here tonight I imagine that I am often still just a poor girl, with no gift fit for a King, with a pot for a drum and wooden spoon for a drum stick, playing my heart out for Jesus. I just hope that when I'm done... He smiles.

Good night my King... ba rumpa bump bum... :)

Day 29: Confirmation is coming!

Today Chiquita, my RCIA teacher, gave me such a glimmer of excitement and joy for my impending confirmation that it is the only thing that comes to mind as I meet God tonight. We came in and sat down and she looked around the room, silently, with a big grin on her face and said, "we are nearing the end of this journey, class!" And I was so encouraged in the direction that God is leading me.

But it was when she described to us the experience of our first communion, and her typically even personality burst into a joyous pose and she cupped her hands in front of her and described the first receiving of bread and the feeling of utter closeness with God as you take part in the Eucharist for the first time, that I felt such a renewed comfort and peace in my journey. A happiness spread over the entire room and a shared anticipation to take the awe inspiring, mysterious Eucharist fell over everyone of the candidates. Rhonda said, "Oh I'm gonna be dancing up the aisles." And we practiced a little in our excitement and laughed, and I was so glad... glad to be where I am, surrounded by those that God has surrounded me with, surprised at where my willingness to obey God has brought me, ecstatic to be blessed to be part of the only church I have ever met God so completely, thoroughly and powerfully at, and at total peace despite my inner curiosities and inquiries of my future.

What a wonderful, unpredictable ride this life with Christ is turning out to be!

Day 28: Frosted or Flowing?

"He sends forth His Word and it melts them: at the breath of his mouth the waters flow." Psalm 147.

For so long our hearts lay frozen in our bodies. The pain stored within them. Our ideas of life and love. Our interpretation of what life has been, what it is and what it ought to be. It is water... life giving... but it is frozen and opaque, solidifying our hearts so that nothing can move or flow or bring life.

As we move Jesus into our hearts... He sends forth His word... He comes and melts the interior of our hearts... at the breath of His mouth the waters flow. All the potential of life within us has begun to run from room to room, trickling down every step and across every wall, cascading into the depths of our identities and hopes and dreams, transforming our lives and turning our heart from cold, stone, icebergs to tropical pools, teeming with life!

But sometimes, though our hearts are flowing with living water within, we allow our windows to remain frosted. The life inside stays coolly hidden behind the ice covered view points of our hearts so that all that can be seen might be the impression or glimmering prospect of what is going on within. From comfort sometimes, or from fear, we only let the warm waters lick the windows of our hearts when we are with those we are willing to reveal our transformations to. Perhaps we are afraid to reveal those still lingering messes. Or we are frighted we will overwhelm the world with our sudden change and we won't be taken seriously... but all the good and all the hope that is within us is hidden from view as well!

It is these truths, good and bad, clean and in the process of being cleaned, that bring the vision of LIFE to the world. If we FILL our inner rooms with the flowing waters of Christ then it will melt the frost on our windows so that nothing but our found truth and life can be seen! In fact when we let God fill our hearts to the brim with the living, flowing Love of Jesus they become so full that the water bursts through the windows and breaks open the doors and overflows into the streets and into the homes of those around us... ...let my heart know such a filling!!!!!!!!!!!!! AND LET IT NEVER STOP FILLING, FLOWING AND SPILLING INTO THE STREETS!!!!!!!!

Day 27: Silent Night

I am not in the mood to talk... or blog even. I don't know why. I'm kind of frumpy. UGH. I hate when I'm frumpy! TAKE FRUMPINESS OUT OF MY LIFE JESUS, PLEASE!!! FOREVER AND EVER AND EVER. sigh.

Blocked. Oh, wait... nope. Still blocked...

Words? Anything......................

I guess, sometimes, my brain just hits overload. I call it the over-filled-brain-plate. I decided that just now. The problem isn't really that my head is so empty that I can't think of anything to say, it's that there is so much crammed in there that I can't think of where to start. Lots of thoughts. Lots of emotions. Lots of memories. Lots of hopes... wishes... prayers... questions. This has always been an issue with me I'm afraid. I have a hard time getting started. Once I'm rollin' I can't really be stopped... not easily... but getting me going can be like pulling teeth. Not because I'm intentionally trying to frustrate anyone, or because I love to be frustrated, but just because I legitimately have a hard time getting out of the gate.

Once I got up in front of a class and just stood there. Seriously. Lock jaw. Gaping. Nothing. So the assistant teacher asked me a question. Nothing complicated. I think he asked me what date what I was talking about started. BOOM. Its like I went from zero to sixty in 1.2 seconds. I just needed a starting point. I needed someone to tell me where to begin and my knowledge of the topic launched me from there. It really wasn't an awful speech.

Is this a blog or a diary entry? Is there a difference? A blogging requirement? I don't know. But its what I have tonight. A little self discovery. I do know this: I will go to bed with many requests and prayers for insight on my heart and on my lips. Its something!

Ha! :)

Night.

Day 26: 2nd Scrutiny at dawn

I woke early this morning... a rarely attempted endeavor. But this morning, it was worth it. This morning was 2nd scrutiny! My first observation was, "wow, look how many people are at church at 7am."

My second was, "isn't it amazing that we are introduced to each different sub community of the larger community that is the entire St. Rose parish."

We were asked again what our reason for entering the Catholic church was, and I was at total peace this morning when i answered. Maybe I wasn't completely awake yet, haha, but I prayed before I stood that God would give me words to speak... and really He did! He is calling me toward Himself into something completely new and different, and quite honestly a little bit strange, and I am simply following, because I cannot endure to be where He is not!

P.S.
I am grateful to my wonderful sponsor who was totally prepared to come and pull me out of bed by the feet if I slept through my alarm... thank God that she didn't have to! But really, I am blessed. In so many ways.

Now... I will go to bed early, because the early morning today, combined with a lot of late nights and early mornings this last week, has me slightly... exhausted! Haha. So I will go rest in the arms of Jesus and get a sweet and peaceful long night's sleep! :D

Night Jesus! You are the best!

Day 25: Power tripper

I have always wanted to protect my sister. I was first born. I was brave. I was quick witted and quick moving. I just knew it was my born duty: Don't let an ounce of harm come to my little sister. We were always the closest two people that anyone had ever met. Twins often have an indescribable closeness that can't be understood. It is the most natural thing in the world... if you are a twin. Otherwise, it is hard to fathom. While it is a bond that is unique and unbelievably intricate and close, it is a bond riddled with false roles and misunderstandings. Twins, in my experience, have HORRIBLE boundaries. I mean one can easily see why, the most natural relationship in the world to them is one that is almost without borders and restrictions. Even in the womb there is no personal space or experience.

And then, when you try to collide the twin world with the "real" world, it often results in unhealthy relationships. The world will often takes advantage of such boundaries... not because it means to do such harm, but because it consists of humans. We allow those who don't know relationships like ours to have the same boundaries with us. We try to love everyone like we love each other, not realizing that so many can't love us back that way... they simply do not know how.

Growing up... loving someone as dearly as I did at such a young age... my little girl heart wanted to protect that other more than anything else on earth. Even if it meant holding the other back... or withholding herself from the world in order to stay back and protect. And when I couldn't protect... when the world hurt her anyway, despite all my strength and effort... I hated myself. I hated the the harmfuls. And my job only became more important. It could not happen again! Oh, how long I have locked myself and my sister in that need. How many opportunities I have let slip by. How many joys I have sacrificed for us both.

But more importantly... what breaks my heart to realize... is how many times I have stood in the way between her and Christ, and kept her from living. I have been such a power tripper! I thought I could be strong enough to keep anything from hurting her ever. The hardest thing I have ever given up, in my life ever, was the job of protecting Heather. But I realize, despite how much it rips at my heart to let her go, that only Christ has the strength and the power to truly protect her. I can only do what He gives me. I can only pray that He protects her. I have wanted to be the closest thing to her so that I can always keep her safe and out of harm beneath my battered and inadequately sized wing... I have wanted her closer to me than to Christ...

Oh, forgive me Jesus...

Show me what life looks like after this. Show me how to really let her go. Be her everything, as You are mine. I am so sorry.

Day 24: Healing and Mother Mary

I made a realization about Mother Mary tonight and her place in so many people's lives. I have struggled with understanding her role in Catholic life and faith. But, if we can get past the stereotypes and the apprehensions we have about Mother Mary, there is an amazing gift that her place in Christ's life and in our history has to offer. Christ manifest himself in His mother. God would not have put Christ's upbringing into the careless arms of an abusive or frustrated woman. He CHOSE Mary for her task because He chose someone that would not only nurture and embrace Him until He was grown as He wanted, but because she would be willing to see all that God had for Him and still be willing to accept His purpose, embrace His nature and support Him throughout His life. As she raised up Christ by God's provision and grace, she would learn, more than most, who He was and how He lived. She would have the greatest opportunity to reflect Him. And to be successful at raising God's only Son, she would need the help of God Himself to do it! And so, she became, in essence, "World's #1 Mom".

And I realized tonight, as God showed up huge, what His purpose for Mary was as Christ's mother, in the Word, and for our lives... sometimes it is not a father figure that we need to speak into our lives, especially when we are not yet ready or willing to receive direction in that way. Sometimes, in order to heal and feel safe enough to be vulnerable and exposed enough to heal, we need the loving arms of a mother... the gentle touch of a caring mom, who can accept Christ's purpose for our lives, embrace us without judgment or expectation and support us while God works us through some of the harder things in our lives. Christ, for us, is manifest in the tenderness and sincerity of a compassionate and loving mother... like Mama Mary. Like the mothers of my life... those that are willing and wanting to care and love for God's children when He needs to open up some of the places in our hearts that we won't allow a father to go. Those places that just can't seem to get to on our own... where we need Christ's help!

It has been a late night... but it seems so short! It's been a hard night... but I'm changed for life... again! WOW! I feel like I am constantly changing for life! Haha. I'm beginning to see a pattern here... hmmmmmmmm

Good night dear Jesus... mother, brother, friend, savior... thanks... again.

Day 23: Heartbreaking

I am reading a series of books called the Zion Chronicles right now about a group of Zionists during Partition in Israel in the middle of the 20th Century. The first book, which I finished today, was incredible. Bodie and Brock Thoene are incredible writers, and God knows I love a good fiction, but these books are different. These are historical fictions. So while the characters and the adventures are usually fiction, the setting and the time line are set in real history. There is something about knowing that these events are real that effects me more deeply as I read.

There is something about reading of the human suffering and pain, and maneuvering my imagination through real events and nightmares that stirs my heart differently. I have always been a soppy reader and movie watcher. I get easily invested into the characters and swept away in the story... but then it is over and I go on. But when I am reading about the characters in The Gates of Zion dealing with the emotions and hardships of the Ben Yehuda Street bombing of the 1940s, and I know that it is not a well thought out twist to the plot but a reality, I can't just remove it from me after the page turns. And my heart aches for those things that happened...

My eternal curiosity caused me to look up the bombing, to try and find photographs like the ones described in the book. What I found broke my heart. Not only were there plenty of pictures from the bombing, with men scrambling through the devastated ruins of their city searching for survivors, but there were pictures of bombings throughout the last fifty years. Two suicide bombers killed over a dozen innocent people in 2001. Pictures of the covered bodies of those that lost their lives to some angry cause and pictures of dazed, innocent survivors are scattered all over the internet. In articles, in blogs, on websites...

One article lead me to another to another, until I was reading personal accounts of the Gaza war from people on the front lines. Some of the accounts are so full of hope, some are not. Some are filled with God, some are just angry... Oh, it must break your heart Papa... It must... It breaks mine.

I pray for peace there... I pray that You are with Israel in their suffering... I pray You deliver them from the hands of their enemies... I pray for the love of Christ to infiltrate all sides... I pray for love, peace, grace, mercy... I pray...

Day 22: I searched for myself, and found joy

While we kayaked over the beautiful and peaceful waters of the Jordan River in Mississippi, Jo and I had the opportunity to talk about the changes in our lives since the last time we were together. When she was here last summer I noticed that she was so often sad and struggling. Life was very gray for her. But now, 10 months later, she seems much happier; brighter. She is laughing again. True, deep laughter... and she smiles so much more! And when I asked her why she said, "I don't know. I guess I'm just happier. And I've discovered my identity."

"Really? What did you find out about yourself?"

"That I'm not all the things that people told me I was. Not even the good things. I'm just me." And she beamed over at me from her wobbling kayak.

I nodded... and smiled. I knew what Jo meant. Often our identities get as lost in the positive feedback as they do in the negative. God has given us an identity and only He truly understands it. Only He can give it goodness or purpose. We are what Christ makes us. So... if we find our identities, what we should find is not a list of qualities and weaknesses, gifts and achievables... but simply... JOY! Because we are confident and comfortable in who Christ has made us, and is making us!

Day 21: The Walter Anderson Museum

(I have been away from a computer for the last 2 nights, but I am copying my hand written entries so I can preserve them by electronically filing them.)

We visited the Walter Anderson museum today and it was amazing. Walter Anderson was one with a great ability to perceive! He could see the world in it glory and its beauty... and without needing to understand it all, he could mirror it in art. There are two general concepts in almost every piece of work he did that I saw today: upward motion and continuity. Everything was connected. If the canvas did not end neither would the picture. Like all art, there are many things you can observe and so many things to say and see, but quite honestly the greatest observation I could articulate is that Walter Anderson saw beauty in its rawest, most primitive way, and his work, whether he intended it or not, is worship! Everything seemed to speak out some unspoken thankfulness and awe. Everything was so much bigger than he thought of himself. God is so present in all of his works and I wonder how aware of that Walter Anderson was... does he know what life he saw?

They say he had a nervous breakdown. I can't help but wonder if it was because he could see the beauty of life, of glory and of God and he could paint it... and most of the world could not. Most fo the world could not perceive the optimism of creation and so he always battled...

I can only imagine the look his face when he stepped into the gates of heaven. I bet he wished he could have brought his paints! I hope he knew then...

Another interesting observation I had was that in Walter Anderson's full room art, he never could find good things to paint on the ceilings. The beauty he saw was around him, not when he looked up. I thought to myself, "my ceilings would be covered with bright things"... his were not.

Also... the window and door frames are never a part of the works in his room art. Rather he paints them as tricked out borders to what is beyond them... as if he were simply framing the art work of the creation visible through them. He had such an appreciation and reverance for God's creation and beauty.

On the door wall leading in to the last room we saw (the "little room" they call it), there is a psalm hung up that Walter Anderson wrote on a shabby peice of notebook paper. When you enter the room it is bright and full of life and joy and beauty and hope and greatfulness... it is the psalms, painted! Walter Anderson worshipped God with his art and his paint, like David with his music and his dancing.

It was a beautiful and powerful experience to witness the worship of Walter Anderson's life.

My prayer: That I could live out life much as Walter Anderson could see it. That I would live deeply and gratefully and fill the walls of my life with worship and praise of God's beauty, mercy and grace!

Day 20: Going In

Most breathed words of this last year: "There is One that lives inside of me that is greater than myself, and His name is JESUS CHRIST OF NAZERETH!"

Christ lives and dwells INSIDE of me! In the Word, Jesus calls us to go into our chambers, shut the door and pray. Our chamber, the dwelling where we meet Jesus in prayer... and it is forever stationed within our hearts! So, there is always somewhere to go and pray and experience the deeps with my God. There is always some place that is between Jesus and I, and it is within the inner chambers of my heart. This concept is the missing key to understanding how to stay in the precense of God and stay in constant prayer, as Paul mentions is detrimental to our spiritual lives!

Is it attainable? Will I ever allow God total access to my heart, mind, body and soul no matter what I am doing, where I am going or who I am with? I long for it. I pray for it. I want to learn how to always BE and never feel the need to DO! Because everything that needs to get DONE will get done whilst I am just BEING! It may seem a little cryptic, but I have seen the difference between those that mostly DO and those that mostly just BE; and though both experience their fair share of struggle, suffering, and challenge, those that have learned to BE understand God and His presence astronimically more than those that have not.

I am still in such a place that I WANT to just BE, but it is deep in the midst of DOING that I recall what it means to BE still and KNOW THAT GOD IS GOD!

...Less and less do I find myself forgetting God in my busyness, and more and more am I remembering at that point of realization that there IS a choice... do I remain outside the presence and continue to DO? or shall I go in, meet God in the inner chambers of my heart, and just BE?!

I'm learnin' to go in!

Day 19: Sleepy!

Well today was up... and today was down... and tonight I am tired. But the day was victorious in so many ways! I overcame some fears today and learned to use my humility and patience... I also failed to use both a few times... but I am reminded that we all fail and that it isn't how we fall but rather that we continue to get up... again and again. And that we get 1%, or sometimes only .1%, closer to being what God wants us to be. And that is progress! Tomorrow will bring new opportunities to practice my patience and humility and love, and walk more thoroughly in who God has made me, and I only pray that I will do better tomorrow than I did today... and thank God that I did better today than I did yesterday. AMEN

P.S.
Life with God never does cease to be challenging, humbling and stretching... but life without God isn't life... life without God is ultimate death.

So give me train wrecking, mountain-climbing, rough riding, two-by-four smacking, enlightening, invigorating, life giving, deep diving, super shining, glorious LIFE, any day!!! YEAH!

Day 18: Consider Yourself Lucky

Father Sebastian told us a story today about when he was a boy... He had a curfew set for 6 pm! And he always envied his friends that had late curfews or none. (I bet!) His daily schedule consisted of waking up, going to classes, getting 1 hour to play, get home, do lessons, pray with his family, do more lessons, go to bed and repeat. Even weekends he was required to be home and in by 6pm. I laughed in disbelief while he told the story because I was one of those kids he would have envied, and it seemed a little intense. So one day he complained to his friend Benny, "you are so lucky! You can stay out and play as long as you want!" Then Father said, "I will never forget Benny's response."

Benji told him, "You are the lucky one. My family has given up on me. They do not care. You are very lucky to have people that care whether you do the right thing or not."

"God," Father Sebastian went on, "is like this. He gives us commandments and restrictions so that we might understand the truth of His freedom and His love for us. So many people think that freedom is being able to do whatever we want. But you cannot have real freedom without truth."

I know how true everything he said is. God gives us restriction and requires things of us BECAUSE HE CARES FOR US! And I realized today, as I stood before the church for my first scrutiny, was prayed for by everyone, and as Father Sebastian looked with the caring love of a father figure at the children of God before him, that God is showing me and providing me family right now... on so many levels.

Aside from those that God has given me as my spiritual nuclear family, the ones that have reached into my life and shown me true care and family in ways I can never fully express or repay, there is my ever widening family that God continues to reveal to me through my current walk in Catholicism.

Father Sebastian cares for every confirmation student, requiring that they not only sit through the RCIA classes and come to church but that they learn and grow and walk in their instruction. My family spreads as there is the also the St. Rose community, that cheers and prays for everyone coming in to the church, agreeing to care for every member. The entire church agrees to include everyone and lift one another up with encouragement and prayer. And then, Catholicism itself offers a unified "family" that spreads over the entire world, uniting everyone willing, to join the giant church family, lead and centered around Jesus Christ. No matter where you go, you are home, with your "family".

Each level of family has its own requirements, structure and responsibilities. Each member is called to instruct, and to allow for instruction. Tradition offers specific insight and understanding into different requirements for us as individuals and members of a unified family assigned us by God. We are cared for, required of, and shown "true freedom" in a variety of powerful and impacting ways.

Not only was I encouraged today, but I am convinced that God is in control and has great purpose and design for where I am and where I am headed. I consider myself very lucky! Very BLESSED!

Day 17: Short & Sweet

JoJo is here from Colorado! She has been gone so long... forever it feels like. In reality it has been 10 months since she has been to the Southern Coast and it has been an unexpected joy to watch Bay St. Louis through rediscovering and hopefully searching eyes. It has already given me a renewed optimism and gratefulness for all that God has done here... with houses, with people, with community. Wide eyed she walked through Mel's house and reminisced over every new possession or improvement. She notices changes we've missed because we have been here. I can't wait to just drive around and rediscover with her this week. The week will pass quickly but I am grateful for friendship and memories and fun... and she will be back again. Mississippi NEVER leaves us, and we NEVER really leave Mississippi... not for too long.

Day 16: The gift of instruction

I sit here tonight in the gratefulness of a blessing. I am grateful tonight that God has shown me the value, the importance and the need of instruction. I am grateful that God has sent people that I was willing to hear instruction from because God KNEW how rebellious I could be. He knew it was my struggle. And He knows how stubborn and willful I can be. AND HE KNEW who it would take for me to listen! He knew it would take people willing to deal with me JUST AS HE WANTED THEM TO. And I am grateful that He has changed my heart and softened it and molded it so that I could see, listen and accept the instruction He has for me! I can sit here tonight and think of so many that have missed it. I can think of so many that did not hear it because they were not listening, or heard it and threw it away . Solomon said in the Word that our instruction would be "our life"! OUR LIFE! Proverbs... check it out. So thank you Lord... for LIFE in ALLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLL the ways You give it! In Your instruction, in Your love, in Your sacrifice... YOU ARE LIFE! AND I LOVE LIFE!

Day 15: A change in the seasons

I keep hearing God say "you are ready" and in so many different ways. I have felt a change in the seasons for a while, but the feeling has been SO STRONG since lent began. It has been my prayer from the beginning of this spiritual time of stretching and discipline that God would reveal to me what season I was coming in to and how, in the name of Jesus, was He gonna get me to do it...

So last Saturday I kept feeling a knock INSIDE me heart. I knew there was more in my heart that Jesus wanted to reveal to me. A room He had decorated just for me that would be full of all kinds of new gifts and treasures... and responsibilities, whatever that meant.

On Sunday, Father Chester convicted me. He said to St. Rose, "You have a testimony and you need to share it!" He said, "you might already have a title, but what you need is testimony. And we are all called to SHARE IT."

On Sunday, Heather, Brother Dominic and I drove to Biloxi so our RCIA class could be introduced to the rest of the Catechumans for the Biloxi Diocese. The service was beautiful and it was a powerful experience to see God moving so hugely in the Catholic Church. Afterward, Brother was enlightening us on some of the purposes of Confirmation and he described the tradition as the transition from being instructed and a period of initiation, to a call to share Christ with others and to share the testimony of what we have learned. It was the release of the instructed to begin walking as instructors... never heard that before!

Monday, REVIVAL started and the Priests anointed everyone in whatever we felt God was telling us we needed. My anointing: FEARLESSNESS FOR GOD.

Tuesday, Father Chester said, "You must learn to live using the 5 spiritual senses: POWER, PURPOSE, PASSION, PRAYER and PEACE." It was a call to get crazy for God!

Wednesday (that's today) was the last day of revival and the Hand Maidens of the Lord did this awe filled dance to a song called Seasons. It said, "the wait is over. You are coming into your season!"

And then, nobody was there. Not another soul. Just me and Jesus. And He was walking me, hand in His, right to the door in my heart. And He told me a little about what lies behind it.

And I opened it AND ITS MORE THAN JUST A ROOM! It is a whole new WING! And its amazing. All I can tell you is this: the walls are lined with JOY and the floors are coated in PEACE. And the Holy Spirit is allllllll over! They have been preparing this place for me for a long time I think. Nothing about it looks thrown together. It is clean. It is immaculate, in fact. And I did NOTHING! I only opened the door! And it was light! HAHAHAHA...

And the craziest part... there are a lot more doors in here to look behind...

So I thank you Lord, humbly and with a trembling spirit, and I pray for the grace and strength and mercy to walk this new wing without messing it up!

Day 14: What about my mind?

Isiah 55 Verses 6-7 say: Seek the Lord while he may be found; call on Him while he is near. Let the wicked forsake his way and the evil man his thoughts. Let him turn to the Lord, and he will have mercy on him, and to our God, for he will freely pardon.

Verse 8: "For my thoughts are not your thoughts, neither are your ways my ways," declares the Lord.

God says that we are not only to SEEK Him and FORSAKE our WAY, but also to FORSAKE our THOUGHTS! The mercy and pardon of God comes from a complete turn. So often we change our ways but NOT our thoughts. We put on the suit but we think like the ghetto. The danger in this is that our thoughts are our inner life and our thoughts are the unspoken dictator of so many of our actions and reactions. If we change our way but keep looking back in our minds, we cannot be free of what is behind us and we are at high risk for turning back to our old ways. We want to appear changed, but we don't want to actually think changed.

An example from my own life:

When I first started dealing with myself as a "beautiful" woman of God I flat out didn't believe it was true. I had been the "fat girl with the personality" my whole life. My inner person, I thought was a somewhat decent looking person. My outward appearance, I was absolutely sure, nobody thought was beautiful. So someone shared that oh so famous scripture with me... "you are fearfully and wonderfully made." My reaction... "uh huh... blah blah blah, cut the act." I had not yet turned!

But then other scriptures started coming up in my devotions and studies... "you are the jewels of His crown," and, "made in His image"... Eh, could be something there... who cares?! It was with this attitude that God led me right into one of the most dramatic lessons of my life up to date.

Morgan and I were going to be leaders at a youth camp for young blossoming Christians over the summer. I was so excited because it would be my first opportunity to walk in some of my new found ways and get to actually share and speak into others lives. It was the greatest anticipation of my summer months. Then, Bonnie and Di called us with some "great news". We nodded away, eager to know what wonderful thing God was gonna do... "there is a pool at the camp site we're staying at!" We laughed nervously at each other. "Guess I'll have to pack extra shorts," I replied.

"Oh no! No swimming unless you've got a bathing suit!"

Out of the question! My mother had struggled with me and fought with me and lost every time to the bathing suit battle. I simply refused! There was no way I was showing off my fat in a snug spandex shard of material that refused to cover my upper arms and my thighs while excentuating my middle bulge! We fought it and fought it, but they were firm about the rule. Morgan, "the lawyer" we call her sometimes, was all about trying to find a clever argument. I really just refused. I knew my reason. No denial. I was too fat for a swimsuit.

Eventually we were talked into "looking" for a swim suit. Just checking out the market. A day of shopping later... dispassionate shopping I might add... we were empty handed and even more frustrated. We texted Di and told her we had been and that everything was too expensive and just not what we were looking for in a bathing suit. Pretty much, they didn't cover enough. "PATHETIC" she texted back, "I bet you didn't even pray! Come to Chinese and we'll talk about it."

Well I didn't really want to talk about it, but we did. She asked us if we had prayed before we shopped, that we would find a good deal on a decent suit. "Of course not. I don't want one why would I pray for it!" I was feeling kinda sassy 'cause I wasn't happy with the day or how I was feeling and I deal with stress by getting sassy sometimes.

Then Di said something I'll never forget. That caused an instant turn. INSTANT. She looked at me and said, "Ashley, how can you look at a girl this summer that is struggling with self image and tell her she is beautiful, if you have to wear shorts and a t-shirt to the pool because you don't think you are beautiful."

Tears. Hot at the back of my eyes. Sure sign that I just got CONVICTED! I hung my head and sighed. "You know," I said, "thats so... true." So we went the next day and I picked a sweet little fluff of a thing with a little pleated skirt and some supery flowery pattern. I had forsaken my WAY. But I didn't feel comfort when I put on that bathing suit! I was doing it because I didn't want to APPEAR like a hypocrite. As I wore it more and more I started to accept it more and more though. I started to see beauty sometimes. I was able to appreciate beauty in others much more easily. I started realizing that I see beauty in everyone. But my THOUGHTS were still my own. I had not FORSAKEN my thoughts. So I still had twinges of doubt. I saw the beauty of others, but not always in myself. (What an irrational contradiction!) Is it true? Am I beautiful, or am I faking it?

God says we have to FORSAKE our thoughts. What does that mean? I looked up the word forsake. Here are its definitions: 1. to quit or leave entirely; abandon; desert. 2. to give up or renounce. I had not deserted the idea that I wasn't beautiful. I walked outside of it for a while and returned to it when I didn't feel like it was true. Especially when I felt like others didn't agree with God... when I gave man the power to speak beauty in or out of my life. And I didn't renounce ugliness. I didn't renounce the thoughts that fed my worst fear: that I was NOT beautiful. And so I had no mercy from that recurring hardship and pain. I had no pardon from that mental cage.

So in those WAYS that God would have me turn from, let him give me the grace and mercy to do so body, heart and mind alike! Let me FORSAKE my WAYS AND MY THOUGHTS so that I might better understand and accept HIS, which are not mine!

Day 13: Cosmetics

There are many different cosmetic products and lots of different types... but there are two terms women use to describe them most: Make-up and cover-up. God revealed something really cool to me about cosmetics.

Francis Frangipane in Holiness, Truth & The Presence of God says "wash the cosmetics from your heart," when he challenges his readers to be real with themselves. To stop putting the cosmetics on our hearts that make everyone (including ourselves), think that we are better than we are!

To understand what that meant I had to dive deeper into the concept of cosmetics in a woman's life. We have foundation to cover all the blemishes and make every part of our face the same tone, lip gloss to shine up those boring shineless lips, blush to give our faces a little adventure, eye-liner and eye-shadow and mascara to give us some depth, and it goes on... if you've ever been to the cosmetics section of Wal-Mart, you KNOW how long the list goes! My mother used to REFUSE to leave the house without her "cover-up" on. I asked her about it once when I was a little girl, and with a laugh she responded, "I don't want to scare people." Most of the time that I saw my mother she was without all that fluff and I had always thought the stars of her beauty. She didn't realize her own beauty and had little chance to with all of the make-up she put on to feel beautiful. And the world couldn't see her in her completeness because they saw her in her "revised" state. They were seeing what she thought was her best, all the time. The only pictures that made "the cut" were the ones that reinforced this made-up self image.

So, what are the cosmetics of the heart? What do we have in that make-up bag for our hearts before we will let anyone see us. Patience, kindness, self-control? Perhaps a rock steady strength that is seemingly unshakable. All the things we say we have before we get mad at God for not supplying our needs when we want, or we say something critical of someone because we think its what they deserve, or we fill our immediate desires for pleasure with things we know aren't of God. They are the cover up we put on for everyone to see because we are afraid that what we have isn't beautiful enough. But we get caught up with that image. The only comments we can accept about ourselves are the ones that reinforce this self-image. We begin to see these things as the reality so how can we see the truth? But Frangipane says strip off the cosmetics and ask God to seek your heart! Strip off all our false virtue and righteousness and allow God to bring us to humility, that He might search us, reveal Himself to us and WHO WE ARE IN HIM, and then give us a natural beauty that reflects all of these same righteous virtues.

So are all cosmetics false. I have some friends that would give you the best arguments in the world if you wanted to believe otherwise. I first thought, YEAH! WHO NEEDS FALSE BEAUTY?! But cosmetics can be used to enhance a natural beauty. IF we can see our beauty and embrace it and accept that we are called to love and believe as Christ did, then we can ask for the additions that can enhance our naturally beautiful hearts. "Put first the Kingdom of God and all these things will be added unto you."

When I go out I like to put on some mascara because it accentuates the length and fullness of my eyelashes; and glitter because it makes my face glisten and sparkle in the light. I don't consider it "cover-up". The gifts God gives us can enhance the beauty of the heart we obtain from seeking Christ and aligning our hearts with His.

Day 12: Summer and bigger things

I am so excited about the prospect of Summer that I can't think of anything else while I sit and blog! The gnats have been out -the "flying teeth" they are called in the South! And, as annoying as they are, they mark the beginning of hot days! Soon it will be too hot for them to swarm the South as badly as they do now. The sun will be out every day. Easter will come! Trips to Florida! I WILL rent a Jet-ski this year! And go fishing! City Camp is coming! Bike riding!

Hahahahaha.

Ok. Got that off my mind a little.

We had church today! Revival starts Monday and one of the priests that will do it this year gave the mass today. Chester, I believe. There are two of them. They're twins! God placed them in ministry together!!! And, if Charles is half as annointed as Chester was today we are gonna SEE SOME REVIVAL! The word we heard today was powerful, but the thing that struck me most, was the conviction I felt when he said "we are so nice about our testimony. Too nice." I'm nice about my testimony. Too nice so often. I worry about offending people. I wonder if I'll say the wrong thing. But I say the wrong things anyway! Am I doing them any good by keeping totally neutral? Am I talkin' for me or for Jesus? I MEAN, WHY DO I CARE SO MUCH?! JESUS IS MY LIFE! THE AIR THAT SUPPLIES ME! THE BLOOD THAT RUNS MY VEINS! AND I'M WORRIED ABOUT WHAT PEOPLE ARE GONNA THINK OF HIM?! Do I worry if people will like my sister? Am I afraid to talk about her?! Do I withold good stories about my closest friends because I don't know how others will react?! Nooooooo. If I tell people how awesome my sister is and they hate me for it, WOULD I CARE?! ummmmmmmmmmmmmm.... NO! And Jesus is THE MOST IMPORTANT PERSON IN MY LIFE!

Sigh. Oh, God. How sorry I am....

There was a man Morgan and Bonnie and I talked with in Lake Charles, LA. He said, God has told me you have a great purpose, and that He will make you... wait for it... FEARLESS for Him! Not fearless of Him. Fearless FOR Him. Oh how I long to walk in that prophecy! How I long to never disappoint You again, Papa, with my fears. And I'm so fed up with pretending this fear doesn't exist. It is there OK! AND I'M SICK OF IT! Francis Frangipane says in Holiness, Truth and the Presence of God that if we are to make ourselves pure and holy we first have to wash away the cosmetics of our hearts! How can we be humble if all we ever show anyone is our successes and our triumphs. How can we meet the ALMIGHTY, if we don't think there is anything wrong with us! I'm giving this to JESUS! ~Confess your sins... so that you might be healed! James 5:16~

I know there is a time for subtle words. I know there is a time for gentleness and nurturing. But as the great prophets and disciples of the Bible make it clear in their example, there is a time for boldness and truth! And there is a time for the passion of our love for Christ to overcome the niceties of our religiosity. We will not always be given bold words to speak. Sometimes it will be actions. Sometimes it will be worship. Sometimes it will be between me and Him. Sometimes it will be prayers. A gesture. A thought. But if He says speak and I don't... well, God talks about that in His Word. If He says move and I stay...

Lord, MAKE me TRUST in YOU! Take me out of it, so I can't mess it up! Less of me. ALL YOU! Give me the grace I need to have the strength to open that door you knock at.